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by Rachel Martin

The soldiers sighed and looked at each other.

  “Fuck’s sake,” one of them said.

  “This is really bad, what shall we do?”

  The other shrugged and shook his head.

  “Don’t ever let us see you down here again.”

  She nodded. They allowed her through the second barrier and into the sterilisation booth, with its heat sensors, and sanitising mist. A process that lasted about twenty minutes and one she never wanted to do again.

  Afterwards, she ran up and out into the blazing heat. She ran all the way to the compound park to the copse of trees and hid behind the trunks. She fell to her knees, cupped her face in her hands, and cried. She collapsed onto her side and curled up into the foetal position, wishing she could go back in time and not see the truth. What else could she do? It was so painful. The images were imprinted on her mind. How could they? How could they? How could they? She sat up. She grimaced at the thoughts, at her new and disturbing memories. Yet even then, when everything was so raw, the shock and repulsion turned into anger. Tears were useless, anger was better, it was something she could use. She looked forward, gritted her teeth and grew strong.

  And now she needed to escape again. Once more into the fray, she thought. Once more. Only once more, that’s all she needed. If she didn’t do it, she would simply implode, because she still hadn’t done what she needed to do. She absolutely had to go out there and tell. Why did this have to happen? Why, on her very first act of truancy ever, did she have to get caught? She should have known better, she should have been more patient, she should have been smarter, hacked a letter to the teachers… but it was the knowledge, it was burning her up from the inside, it was making her see through cloudy visors. What did her parents know about her real feelings? What did they really care about? And who the Hell were they anyway? A tear fell from her eye. She furiously wiped it away, and in that act, she felt as though she were wiping the last remnants of her lost innocence away, her once blind love. What is going to become of us?

  She stared down at the garden. It was crush or be crushed. There was hope yet, wasn’t there? Surely there had to be. It all started with her. Yet, even in the depths of her misery, she was distracted by the birds as they flew about, hovering, circling, diving for the seeds. Then she saw a squirrel. It ran up the trunk of a tree with a nut in its mouth. A nut! It had been months since she had seen a squirrel do that. Years even. She followed the squirrel with her eyes, as it ran up the tree and along the branches. She could see the leaves rustling as it jumped from branch to branch, along the treeline and into the distance. It soothed her, calmed her. Her thoughts became more lucid and clear. A warm feeling cascaded up through her. For the first time in a long time, she allowed herself a smile, one devoid of hatred, one caused by happiness. Somewhere within she could sense there was hope, there was something to fight for. If only she could make things right. Tonight was the night. She lay down on her bed and looked up at the ceiling. Together they could make it all right, at least for them. She could at least be happier at knowing that she actually tried to help.

  The front door slammed shut. She jumped up, silently opened her bedroom door, and crawled over to the top of the stairs. Peeking through the bannisters, she could see her Father hanging up his overcoat. Her Mother approached him. She put her hand on his shoulder and started whispering.

  “What… that’s insane. How could she? Where is she now?” Her Father said as he stepped back away from his wife.

  “Ssshh Si, she’s upstairs, she’s in bed asleep, and Matt’s in the living room watching tele. Please don’t go up there and make a scene. We have the kids from over the road coming in a couple of hours.”

  Sadie rolled her eyes. Once again, concerned only with keeping up appearances.

  “Let her sleep,” her Mother continued. “I’m worried about her. Really worried. You don’t think that somehow she, you know.”

  “What? What do you mean?”

  “You know…” she trailed off into a whisper.

  “Of course not,” he stuttered. “This is just teenage angst. Don’t you remember being a teenager?”

  “I suppose so, sort of, I guess, but… I don’t know, this just feels… well, different.”

  “Of course it does, things are so different now… and she’s our daughter. You’re on the other side. Now you know how your parents must’ve felt.”

  “No… it’s not like that at all, I could handle that. I mean… how can we possibly understand what it’s like for someone like her to grow up in here, and go out there… I mean… they’re not even shown a picture of what it’s like, they’re just told its bad and not to go out there. What is her experience of bad? Is it like that? I seriously doubt she could have imagined that. I don’t know… I just don’t know. I should have handled it better. She was acting like a crazy person earlier. I almost totally lost it with her.”

  “Why, what happened?”

  “She was screaming her head off about us being liars, and I just slapped her round the face, that’s all. I feel awful about it, but she’ll be OK. I just can’t believe she made me that mad. I never thought I could do something like that.”

  There was a thoughtful silence between them. Sadie could feel their minds ticking over. Tick, tick, tick.

  “She’ll be fine Hel,” her Father said softly. “She’s just acting up. She’ll come round, it’s just shock.”

  “Do you really think so?”

  Tick, tick, tick.

  “What else could it be?” her Father asked.

  “I mean why did she go out there in the first place? I just can’t understand it. You know a few weeks back Shirley said she saw a little girl out there that looked just like Sadie. She said she saw her when she was out doing her outreach work. She said she thought it was such an uncanny resemblance. Thank God she never looked deeper into it, and she hasn’t mentioned it again.”

  Sadie shrunk back from the bannisters. The worry in her Mother’s voice was feeding her rebellion. She was glad her Mother was feeling confused, lost in the dark. Perhaps, with that insight, she would be able to experience what it felt like to be left in the dark for a whole lifetime.

  “Oh come on, Hel. Don’t you remember breaking the rules, going off the beaten track? It’s all part of being a teenager. She’s just rebelling… and got more than she bargained for, I bet. In a few days or so it’ll be like it never happened.”

  Yeah right, Sadie thought.

  “Yeah, I suppose so. But she’s been acting weird for a while now.”

  And whose fault is that? Sadie thought

  “Stop worrying. Now she knows there’s nothing for her out there, she’ll forget all about life outside of here soon enough.”

  “I hope so. I really do.”

  Sadie watched as they kissed, hugged, and disappeared off down the hallway and into the living room. She sat up and leaned back against the bannisters. She smirked to herself. They were wrong, so wrong. They had no idea how wrong they were, and they had no idea what she had planned for them. She would never forget life outside the compounds, and soon it would come back here to confront them.

  Back in the bedroom, she sat on the chair, elbows on her desk, chin in hands. Running away was the only option. She had to go today. Now. She was going to run to the gang. They would accept her. They needed her anyway for their plan tonight. She would help them crack the locks, to hack, she was willing to do anything if it meant she could stay close to them and get them to do what she needed them to do. She looked at herself in the mirror. A slight bruise was growing over her right eye. She shuddered with anger. She was glad her Mother felt bad for doing it, and Sadie knew that her Mother was going to feel a hell of a lot worse before she was through doing what she had to. She smiled wickedly at herself through the mirror. She needed make-up; she wanted to look older, more attractive, seductive. She would have to steal her Mother’s make-up and some of her old clothes too, clothes from before the walls. There were a few other things she needed to
steal too. She glanced at her nail file and hair clip and almost laughed. Right now though, she had to wait. She lay on the bed and unrolled the tablet. Without the rage burning away inside her she had the patience to hack into the neighbour’s Wi-Fi. Seconds later a message popped up on her screen: ‘yo bootyful yo stil cummin l8rz’ Sadie grinned and started typing.

  Twelve

  “Oooh, good question,” Zach said. “Hmmm… well, now I suppose I’ve always fancied selling myself to a rich, bored housewife.”

  “Zach,” Sasha cried, punching him on the upper arm.

  They all laughed. Zach rubbed his wounded arm. Sasha folded her arms and turned her head away from her husband. She rolled her eyes for Jack and Mia to see. Zach put his arm around Sasha’s shoulders, and pulled her closer and kissed her on the cheek dramatically. She smiled spitefully.

  “No, but seriously, something to get 500k. Hmmm. What about a diamond heist, that would be fun. Or a big cocaine deal, on a yacht off the coast of Monaco. Guns blazing, beautiful tanned women in bikinis falling all over me.”

  “Zach,” Sasha twisted around and hit him again.

  “Ouch,” he said sarcastically rubbing his arm again.

  “Hope you like sunburn!” Mia muttered.

  “Only joking beautiful, all I need is you,” Zach said, pulling Sasha onto his lap. He gave her another sloppy kiss on the cheek. She struggled weakly then gave into him. He kissed her on her lips.

  “Very romantic,” Mia said dryly.

  They all drank.

  “Come on,” Mia began whining slightly.

  Jack winced.

  “Be serious, if you were going to do something, what would you do?”

  “Mia,” Jack said, in a low growl.

  “I’m sure you must’ve thought about doing something drastic before, who hasn’t in this day and age? Come on, tell me your secrets, what would you do? Obviously, it depends on whether or not you have the minerals to pull something off in the first place though, ay?” She winked.

  “I have plenty of minerals, thank you very much,” Zach said. “And yes I admit it, I’ve often thought about going wild.”

  “Of course you have.” Mia grinned. “That’s why I asked.”

  Zach couldn’t hold back a smirk. He leaned back and swigged from his can.

  “Actually I have many ideas,” Zach said with vigour.

  Several beers, a few glasses of wine, and many different and plausible crime plans later, Mia disappeared into the bedroom then re-emerged some minutes later dressed in knee-high boots, a miniskirt, a black skin-tight top, and an old leather jacket draped over her shoulder. She grabbed her evening bag and shoved in a lipstick, an eye-liner, and some cash.

  “Let’s go,” she said.

  “Finally,” Sasha announced, as she finished her glass of wine and slammed it down on the kitchen counter.

  Jack bolted the flat door, then closed and bolted up the barred security-door-gate and all three extra padlocks that he had recently added himself.

  “Can’t be too careful,” he said to Zach, as he threw the huge keyset up into the air, caught it, and zipped it up in his inside pocket.

  “I guess not.”

  They followed the girls down the dingy, smelly, piss-soaked hallway, to the stairs at the arse-end of the building. Lifts had never been installed here, not even with a building of this height, there was no point. Sometimes Jack liked the exercise, but mostly he hated it, especially after a back-breaking day on the new builds. But, going down was always quite an experience, especially after a few drinks. The graffiti and the stench of urine, which grew and grew as they descended, took on a new meaning in his inebriated moments, it was almost funny. The lights that were still operational were flickering, sparking the idea of leaving. The Canadian border was filling his peripheral vision. He could practically taste the clean air. It was becoming more and more like a viable option, the only option. A wave of excitement flushed over him. He tried to contain it. Mia was right. It was the only choice they had left. But he had to wait. He had to be strong. He wanted to be strong. He looked forward and continued spiralling down into the bowels of Hell. It was comedy what had happened to their precious England, a divine joke. It was all gone now, destroyed. He almost laughed.

  “Give us some of that beer,” Jack asked Zach with an elbow jab to his chest.

  “Jeez, alright dude,” he pulled out a can.

  Jack cracked it open and began guzzling down the contents in large gulps.

  “Oi, stop hogging it,” Zach said, as he snatched the can out of Jack’s hand and swigged.

  “Git,” Jack said quietly.

  Zach stood on the step below Jack, opened his eyes wide, smiled sweetly, and put his hands together. He started blinking, rapidly, flirtatiously. Jack eventually gave in.

  “Come on the party’ll be over by the time we get there,” Mia called out from the flight below.

  “OK, OK, wait for us, don’t go down there without us,” Jack shouted jumping down the steps to catch the girls up.

  “Calm down,” Mia called back. “We’re not going out there without you. Don’t worry.”

  True to form, at the bottom, filling the entrance way was one of the gangs. Most of them teenagers or twenty-somethings, boys and girls in equal numbers. The gang looked at them like vultures eyeing a corpse. Jack, Mia, Zach, and Sasha stood on the bottom step together, looking back at the gang, no fear in their eyes. Jack stepped onto the floor. Still, they all stared in silence. Eventually, the leader of the gang stepped back, and the gang followed his lead. They began parting, slowly, sarcastically, infuriatingly, slinking back, just one tiny step, just enough to make a small path between them. The leader lifted his hand and swept it in from of him, showing them the way through. Jack tried to conceal the rage, and pushed forward, clearing the way for his people. He could feel the hot breath of the gang on him, their pent-up anger waiting for even a flinch of weakness. But, he strode through, looking down at the crowd showing them who the boss was, and soon he was out into the muggy evening air, the gang and their intimidation techniques a thing of the past.

  “You all alright?” he asked as Zach exited, the gang closed the path between them like a zip.

  They all nodded.

  “Good.”

  “It was them,” Mia said.

  “What?” Jack asked.

  “It was them what lit up that junkie earlier,” Mia said.

  “Oh right,” Jack said.

  He looked through the window at the gang leader. There was a moment between them. Mutual respect, mutual hatred.

  “Come on, let’s get outta here.”

  They threaded their way through the tents and the rubbish and the fires and the bodies and Mr Crispy, they could smell him now, but pretended to ignore it. They made their way towards the tube.

  Thirteen

  Pain was flowing back to him. Pain of all colours, of all textures, of all smells, and sounds, everything was bleeding into his senses at once, everything was bleeding into one another, it was all confusion and intensity, it was pain. Pain of being, pain of life, pain of coming back. Physical pain. Life is pain. He became aware of a light shining, a bright blinding light. It was pain. There was a strange dripping sensation, more pain, it was rolling over him, cascading through him, pain. He tried to move, pain. Everywhere, intense shooting pain. His neck. His head. His arms, his legs, pain, pain, pain, pain. The golden feeling that had materialised inside him, that had made him feel real that had made him feel wanted, and a part of something greater, something beyond knowing, was disappearing, pain. The serene happiness that had taken hold of him so absolutely was fading, more pain. He was being wrenched out of the arms of warmth, complete pain, he was utterly broken. He was being born again, in a much worse world, pain. All joy was ebbing away from him once more, only faster, it was spiralling away into nothing. The more he tried to hold onto the feeling of warmth, of being wanted, the more it evaporated into the air, gone forever. He was becoming a person aga
in, heavy and pointless. His body was crying out, ‘don’t let me go’. But he had already fallen. Gross consciousness returning. He felt as though his head was caught within the grip of a vice. His body was heavy, so heavy. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t think. Threads of thoughts were muffled and incoherent. His internal voice was not his own. He didn’t recognise it. Who was he? How long had he been gone? It felt as though he had been gone for an age, an eternity, lifetimes upon lifetimes upon lifetimes, but now, after bliss, he was returning, slowly coming back to life. And what a life. He felt his body begin to shudder and contract, it was as if it belonged to someone else, his skin was tightening around him, trapping him inside. How he wished he was someone else. Anyone else, anyone else but him. But, no, it was him, he was floating back into himself, his form, his identity, his wretched soul, it was all returning like a recurrent nightmare. The sounds of the slums were flowing back to him. Senses become normal again, whatever that means. That low murmur of misery iced his veins. That smell of degradation, of rot, of death. The heat. Voices were blurred and indistinct. He felt a sickness cascade up through his stomach, up to his throat, up to his mouth. He turned his head. Pain. Then a sudden feeling of being dropped made him want to cry. He was lost and confused, that cold isolation washed over him again and again and again. He was back in the cruel nightmare world he thought he had disappeared from. He had been happy. Pain.

  He became aware that he was flinching. Someone was dripping a liquid onto his closed eyes.

  “Ashley,” a voice was calling.

  “Yo’ alwight bud?” said another.

  A strange stinging sensation flushed over him. Someone was slapping him gently around the face. He coughed and opened his eyes. It was too bright. He squeezed his eyes shut and brought his leaden hand up to cover his face. He opened one eye. The light was so intense.

  “Ash… are you OK?” said a female voice.

  He rolled over onto his side, he retched, but nothing came out. He rolled back. Everything ached. He opened his sore eyes once more. Two faces became visible before him.