Unspoken Words (Hope and a Future Book 1)

by Janna Halterman

  As she looked at her mother’s grave, she wondered, as she always did, why her mother had chosen to give her, what she assumed, was her father’s last name. She didn’t even know her father’s first name; he was never listed on her files.

  When she got up to leave, she noticed a man sitting at the bus station. She had never seen anyone at that station before. As she walked back through the cemetery and closer to the bus station, anxiety began to overtake her. She knew the man at the bus station and knew it couldn’t be a coincidence he was here.

  Tom.

  There was nothing she could do about it. She had to get home and it was too far to walk, so the bus was her only option.

  Tom turned and when he saw her, he stood. She became very self-conscious as he let his eyes wander over her. She forced herself to continue to the bus stop and sat down on the bench. Tom sat down too close. She didn’t speak and kept her eyes on her fidgeting hands in her lap. She wished she was brave and that she could talk to him and pretend she wasn’t afraid of him, or hurt by him. How did other girls have such confidence around him? He reached over and took one of her hands. She tried to take it back, but he would not let go of it. “Please, Tom,” she whispered. “Please let me go.”

  He refused to obey. “Evie, why won’t you look at me?” His voice was sweet and tender.

  Evelyn looked up, surprised. He caught her eyes with his and held them. Uncertainty paralyzed her. She wanted to leave…wanted to say something, or look away…anything…but couldn’t.

  “I’m sorry Evie. You have to believe me. I’m so sorry.”

  “Why did you do it?” She asked him. It was hard not to have feelings for him with her hand in his and with his blue eyes pleading with her.

  “I don’t know. I guess my pride was hurt when you rejected me.”

  “Tom, I wasn’t rejecting you. I was scared of you! You know I’ve never kissed anyone.” She bit her lip…that wasn’t true anymore, and Tom knew it.

  “You kissed Jackson Monroe.” Where she expected to hear anger, she heard sadness.

  “Because I was scared of you again. I panicked, and I didn’t think you’d actually care.” She saw now that he did. “I’m sorry, Tom. I honestly never wanted to hurt you, or make you angry. Please forgive me.”

  Tom couldn’t remember a time that he’d received an honest apology, and even he knew Evelyn had nothing to apologize for. He’d seen the shock on her face when Jackson kissed her. He laid every ounce of blame for that kiss on his Captain. He was lost in this game, but he was slowly realizing that, unlike other girls, Evelyn wasn’t playing a game.

  “Evie.” He squeezed her hand. “Evie, look me in the eyes.” Evelyn obeyed. “I still want you.”

  She didn’t want to be wanted; not like he meant. She wanted to be loved before anyone took what he was asking for. He had to stop. She would not sit and listen to the lies she was too close to believing. Today was supposed to be her private time with her mother; not a time for him. Her frustration at his interruption was the only thing keeping her mind focused.

  “No, Tom, you don’t want me. I could never be what you want. I can’t give you the things you want from a relationship.” She was relieved to see the bus just down the street. “I need to be left alone. I need you to leave me alone. We’ve known each other a long time; can’t you grant me this one request?”

  His look went cold. “He’ll be worse than me. I hope you know that.”

  The bus was almost there.

  “He’s older than me, Evie, and you don’t think he’ll want more, or be willing to take it?” Everything about Tom was threatening now, but the bus had stopped and was opening its doors.

  “We’re just friends, nothing more.” With that she slipped her hand from his and stepped onto the bus. She exhaled as the doors closed behind her, leaving Tom at the station. He must have had an alternate way home, in case things didn’t go as he wanted. The trip home wasn’t as peaceful as it was on the trip out. She knew Tom liked to tell lies, but the quiet of the bus let her mind agonize over the possibility of what he’d said about Jackson being true.

  Chapter 13

  Jackson’s fists clenched every time he looked at Tom while teaching. Eventually he had to just stop looking at him. It was a relief, though not a surprise, that Tom vanished as soon as class was dismissed. Now that he’d sobered up, he undoubtedly wised up too.

  His original plan was to use the remainder of the day to work on papers at the library. However, when he found out Evelyn wouldn’t be working, he decided to occupy his time with work instead. Today’s Patrol work required a focused mind, so he didn’t have to worry about his mind wandering a lot to thoughts of Evelyn. It almost worked.

  By the time he was off, it was late. Most students had either left campus for the break or were home packing to leave in the morning. What if she already left for the break? Temptation got the best of him, and he headed in the direction of Evelyn’s apartment.

  Lights were on in the windows as he knocked on the door. He hoped she was home, but wasn’t sure what his excuse would be for being there if she was. Before he could think of anything, an unfamiliar girl answered the door.

  “Jackson!” She practically yelled at him before clamping her hand over her mouth giggling. “Sorry, I meant to say, hi! Are you looking for Evelyn?”

  He laughed easily with her. “Hi. Yes, is she in?”

  “Yes.” She smiled ear to ear. “Yes, she is. Why don’t you come in, and I will let her know you’re here?” She opened the door and stepped aside making way for him to come in. She was up to something, but he went in all the same, eager to see Evelyn. “Feel free to sit anywhere. She’ll be just a minute.” He sat on the couch as she disappeared down the hall.

  Evelyn had heard voices and wondered who would be visiting Bekah this late, when Bekah walked into her room. Her face communicated distress. “What’s wrong?”

  “You have a visitor.”

  Her body in its entirety tensed. She thought she had made herself clear to Tom. She gathered her wits about her and walked out to the front room, grateful it was Bekah home and not Sarah. “Tom, I told you I…” but it wasn’t Tom. Her heart leaping into her throat cut off the reprimand intended for Tom. There sat Jackson, impressive and striking, still in his uniform, sitting, on her couch. And she was in her nightclothes. He stood as soon as she entered the room.

  “Jackson,” she corrected herself. “Is everything ok?”

  He smiled warmly at her. “Good evening, Evelyn. Yes, everything’s fine.”

  “I’m sorry…” Evelyn stated in confusion. “Why are you here?” Suspicion pricked at her when she saw him hesitate. He’d never been nervous around her before. What would cause a man of Jackson’s fortitude unrest? She still battled with what Tom had said and worried that Jackson had come with lies and unwelcome intentions. But no, Tom was lying. He had to be. She was sure of it.

  “Well,” Jackson began, “I just got off work and, to be honest, I was just curious if you had left for break yet or not, so I thought I would come by and see.”

  “Evie,” Bekah butted in. “Isn’t that nice of him? Now, aren’t you going to offer him something to drink? Jackson, would you like something to drink? Evie and I were about to have hot chocolate.” She smiled gleefully at Evelyn and added, “Sarah’s already left so we’re allowed to act like kids now and giggle and drink hot chocolate in our nightclothes. Well,” she looked Jackson up and down with a look of unmasked appreciation. “You’re not in your nightclothes, but you can still be invited.”

  “Thank you, but I shouldn’t impose. It looks like you two have the night planned out already.”

  Evelyn didn’t miss the glare that Bekah shot her. She had promised to invite him if he ever asked. He wasn’t technically asking, but in Bekah’s mind, this was pretty much the same thing. She smiled reassuringly at Jackson. “I would love to make you some hot chocolate as well, if you could stay.” Bekah was beaming.

  “I would really en
joy that. Can I help you?”

  Bekah plopped herself into a chair and answered for Evelyn. “You might as well sit down and relax. She doesn’t allow us to help.”

  Jackson sat down and looked at Evelyn as she busied herself in the kitchen.

  “She always tells me,” Bekah continued, “that cooking, or in this case brewing, is how she shows people she loves them.” She giggled and pretended like Evelyn couldn’t hear them, “But don’t tell her I told you. She’d be embarrassed.”

  “Thank you, Bekah, for giving away my secrets.”

  Jackson looked at Bekah. “Bekah, it’s nice to know your name.”

  Bekah threw her head back against the chair. “Jackson, I am so sorry! Yes, I’m Bekah!”

  Evelyn was pleased to have the conversation go between Bekah and Jackson. Bekah did most of the talking, with Jackson asking questions about her classes and work. Evelyn graciously used the time it took to make their drinks to collect herself as best she could. When the drinks were done, she arranged the mugs of steaming cocoa on a tray and adorned each mug with her homemade whipped cream and shavings of dark chocolate. She carried the tray to her friends and set it on the coffee table. She wasn’t surprised that Bekah had taken the chair, leaving her to sit on the couch with Jackson. She handed out the drinks and hoped Jackson didn’t notice her hand shaking when she gave him his mug.

  “Mmmmm. Thanks, Evie!” Bekah said through her sipping.

  “This looks amazing,” Jackson complimented.

  Evelyn smiled her thanks.

  “So where are you two off to for break?” Jackson asked, looking to both of them.

  Bekah, unsurprisingly, answered. “I’m headed home tomorrow. My parents live a couple hours south of here in Binghamton.”

  Evelyn shouldn’t have been surprised when Bekah answered for her as well.

  “Evelyn is staying here, for the whole break! I’ve tried to convince her to come home with me, but she won’t.”

  She almost choked on her hot chocolate. She didn’t like people knowing she stayed during breaks because she didn’t like having to explain why she had nowhere else to be.

  Jackson sat patiently as the drama unfolded before him.

  “Evie,” Bekah continued on. “It’s not my fault you refuse to come with me. If you were, I could have said that we were going to Binghamton tomorrow.” She took another sip of her hot chocolate then stood up. “Well, I’m tired. I think I’ll just finish this in my room. It was a pleasure meeting you, Jackson. I hope you have a good break. Evie, thank you for this. It’s delicious, as usual.”

  She skipped off to bed.

  Jackson really liked Bekah, and the fact that she appeared to be on his side. Now alone with the woman he was there to see, he shifted to better face Evelyn. “Are you really staying here for break?”

  Evelyn was not normally a violent person, but she could hit Bekah for doing this to her. She wasn’t ready to tell him her life story. “Yes. I enjoy having the apartment to myself,” she lied.

  “Evelyn,” he tried again. “Why won’t you tell me?”

  Her resolve was pathetic around him. Putting her drink down, she took a deep breath and answered. “I have nowhere else to go.” She paused to consider her next words. The decision to tell him everything was easy. Bekah would come bounding back in to help fill in the blanks if she didn’t. Evelyn never heard her door close, so Bekah was probably listening in. Though it was an easy decision, it was not an enjoyable one.

  “My mother and father are both dead. I was told my father died a couple months before I was born; got into a fight with the wrong people, or something like that. My mother died when I was 9, but I never knew her either. She died from an overdose of drugs. Today is her birthday, or was her birthday; she would have been forty. I visit her every year, that’s where I was today. I have no other family.” She didn’t want him feeling sorry for her. “But I don’t mind staying here. It’s what I’ve always done. I think that it’s easier, anyway, to be alone rather than see what I’m missing.”

  Jackson had an impressive poker face, but his voice revealed his emotions. “What do you mean, see what you’re missing?”

  “If I never have to see a family together in their home, it’s easier not to ache for it.” She could tell he pitied her. Pity always made her feel small and worthless. “I have everything in the world to be thankful for. I have a home, a job, and am getting a wonderful education. That’s more than a lot of people can say, and more than most of those brought up as I was.” She stood and took their empty cups to the kitchen to wash them. “Enough about me. How was your day?” The subject of her life was closed.

  It felt good to busy her hands with a familiar task. That, and doing the dishes kept her in the kitchen, a safe distance from Jackson. Yet even while hiding away in the kitchen, his deep voice soothed the tension from her body as he told her about his day.

  Too soon the task was completed, and Evelyn was left wondering what to do with herself.

  “I think I’ve overstayed my welcome. I should leave,” he said, standing suddenly.

  “You’re welcome to stay,” she said quickly, knowing it was her behavior that gave him the false cue to leave. She blushed knowing her voice sounded too eager. “It is late, though, I understand if you need to leave.”

  “I want to stay, but I probably should leave. It is getting late.” He smiled. “And I think your friend probably wants her roommate back.”

  Bekah’s voice came down the hall, “No I don’t!”

  They both laughed. With timid steps, Evelyn walked Jackson out. Though she wanted so badly to be near him, without Bekah listening, even for just a moment, she simply didn’t possess the courage to close the door behind her.

  But she didn’t need to be brave. Jackson reached behind her and closed it, shrinking the space between them. Their breath mixed in the cold air.

  “Thank you for my hot chocolate. It was best I’ve had, I think ever.”

  Evelyn smiled up at him. It had to be cold outside, but standing so close to him warmed her from the inside. Was he radiating the same heat she felt?

  “I’m glad I could make it for you, and that you liked it.”

  Jackson watched her, trying to figure her out, as her eyes flickered to his mouth. He had a good idea what thoughts consumed her when fear leapt into those lovely eyes, causing her to withdraw from him, and bump into the door.

  The war inside her was evident on her face. “Why are you so scared of me?” Jackson finally asked.

  “I ran into Tom today,” she quietly confessed. Jackson’s jaw went tight. “He said you’d be worse than him and that you’re lying about just wanting friendship. That you’d want more from me…that you’d take things from me.” She looked down again, too ashamed and embarrassed to look him in the eyes. The hurt was all too evident on his face. “I told him to leave me alone.”

  She expected a growl in response, as Tom would have done. Instead, his voice was low and gentle.

  “I wasn’t lying to you when I told you that you will always be safe with me. Is it so hard for you to believe me?” He wanted to hug her, and to punch Tom in the face.

  “I want to, Jackson, it’s just difficult.” The words spilled out before she could stop them. “I mean, you’ve kissed me! Tom never even did that!” She bit her lip, silencing her admission.

  Jackson didn’t say anything. Evelyn could see his eyes shifting, replaying their time in the garden…and the amphitheater…and the library…

  “Evelyn, be very clear please. Who was your first kiss?”

  Her red-hot cheeks gave her away.

  “You.” It was barely a whisper.

  “Geez, Evelyn!” Jackson backed up, grabbing his head in panic. “It was hard enough to believe Tom was your first kiss…but me?”

  “Please, Jackson,” she pleaded, grasping his lowered hand. “Don’t let this be the last thing I tell you, and please tell me I don’t need to be ashamed in front of you. If we truly are friends
, please show me that we are.”

  He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her. This time, she didn’t tense at his touch; but rather rested her head on his chest, hugging him back, tightly around his waist. She’d never felt safer.

  “How’d a woman as beautiful as you get to college without ever being kissed?” Evelyn’s knees almost gave under her. “I’m proud of you for speaking to me like that. You never need to be ashamed in front of me, and this will not be the last thing we say to each other. I’m sorry I took that from you. I never would have done it if I had known.”

  She forced herself to let go of him and moved back just a step. “I know.”

  “You could have stopped me if you had wanted to,” he teased. He began laughing before she could respond. “No wonder Tom’s ready to kill me!”

  “Yeah, I did stop him.” She closed her eyes and shook her head slightly, dismissing the memory of Tom. “I should go inside.”

  Jackson tucked her comment away for another time. “I work tomorrow. I won’t be off until after your curfew, but I’d like to come see you when I’m off, if you don’t mind.”

  “Bekah will have left by then,” she thought aloud.

  “We can stay out here,” Jackson offered. “If that’d help.”

  She nodded with a smile trying to press through her pursed lips.

  “Then I’ll see you tomorrow,” he replied, winking as he continued. “Now get inside and save Bekah from her torment. I’m sure she’s waiting to hear from you.”

  Chapter 14

  Evelyn was glad she didn’t start work until ten that morning. Even with the thirty-five-minute walk, she was able to sleep in and have a lazy start to her day. It surprised her that Bekah was already gone by the time she woke up, but Bekah left a note telling her goodbye and that she expected lots of exciting news when she returned next week. She laughed her response. Jackson didn’t see her as anything but a little girl who needed looking after. Still, he was the most wonderful man she’d ever had the privilege to know. She suspected he could indeed be the most wonderful man alive, but had not enough knowledge of any others to prove that theory.