Unspoken Words (Hope and a Future Book 1)

by Janna Halterman

  Evelyn smiled and rested her head against his chest as he pulled her into him, her hands unintentionally gripping his shirt.

  “Do you know its torture when you do that?”

  “When I do what?” She asked, looking up again.

  “Grip my shirt that way.”

  She dropped her hands from him. “Sorry. I only do it because I shake so badly around you.”

  He gave her a curious smile. “Is that the only reason?” Her blush gave her away. “I didn’t think so.” Jackson let the subject drop and led her up to the sunroom.

  The only lights on in the room were the ones twinkling on the branches of the Christmas tree. The couches had been pushed back to make way for a bed of blankets and pillows just below the tree. She obeyed Jackson when he told her to sit and watched as he retrieved a tray she hadn’t noticed when she looked over the transformed room.

  Jackson set the tray of cookies on one side of Evelyn and handed her a cup of hot chocolate, then sat on her other side. “I made it all myself, as a way to say I love you. I made the hot chocolate while you were showering. You shower very fast by the way.”

  Evelyn smiled and drank her hot chocolate. Stars shone through the wall of windows and the moonlight reflected off the snow covering everything outside. After what seemed like a long time, she put her cup down and lay back against the pillows behind her. “Who am I that I get to be here with you, to be served hot chocolate and cookies, and somehow be loved by you?”

  Jackson lay back next to her and turned on his side to face her. “You’re the woman I’ll never deserve.” Even in the dim light, he could see her blush. “I know you want to talk about us, but I need to tell you some things first. There’s a lot I need to tell you.”

  Evelyn sat up again, too nervous to recline as she was. Jackson appeared very uncomfortable. The change in his demeanor happened so fast, it worried Evelyn even more than she already was. She held her breath as she waited for him to continue.

  “There are two main things I need to talk to you about. The first concerns my past.” God, please guide my words, and please let her forgive me. “I haven’t been completely honest with you about my past with women.

  “You asked me on our drive home after Thanksgiving about how many girls I’ve dated…and if I had loved any of them. I wasn’t lying when I answered you. I only had four girlfriends in college, but you should know I dated frequently and, if you asked any of them, I was just the same as every other man, just the same as Tom.” He saw the terror flash across her face, but forced himself to continue. “Girls have always sought me out, and I knew what they would let me get away with. A lot of them were like Sarah, but some of them were nice girls who just had too much to drink. I promise you, I never crossed any lines like Tom did, or anything remotely close to it, and I have never used my uniform against a woman, nor would I ever. My interactions with women, when I was off-duty, however, were anything but pure.”

  Evelyn felt something strong, but she didn’t think it was anger. Maybe jealousy, though she wasn’t sure. She’d never experienced this particular emotion before. “When was the last time you dated a woman besides me?”

  “The night I got attacked in New Mexico.”

  “What happened there?”

  “Four men attacked me on my way to work after being at a…” he hesitated being honest with her, and hated himself for it, “after being at the home of the woman I was dating. I was shot twice and had a few of my ribs broken…to say it was a bad day would be a gross understatement.” The details of his story were gruesome, and still difficult to remember. Now that he was physically healed and the pain from his wounds no longer afflicted him, it was easier to pretend like he could forget what had happened that morning.

  “Why did you stop seeing her?” She saw pain flash across his face briefly. If she had blinked, she would have missed it.

  “She was in on it. She told the men where and when to find me.” Evelyn looked like she was about to break apart, and Jackson hated that he had to go on. “She was what extremists call a huntress…an assassin. I don’t know why God protected me, even while I was living in sin. Most huntresses do the killing themselves and people don’t typically survive their attacks. But it was good that she was involved. I wouldn’t have had the strength to leave her if she hadn’t betrayed me. And anyway, she’s in jail now.”

  “What do you mean by living in sin?”

  Jackson cringed. He’d hoped that one, slipped-in, comment would explain his relationship with the woman. He was such a coward. And he’d forgotten how foreign God’s Word was to Evelyn…no one outside of the Church would understand his cryptic comment.

  “God made marriage for…” He felt like a schoolboy blundering through his explanation. “That is, He was very specific…” He had to take a breath. This was embarrassing and he was pathetic. “I’d always planned to save myself for my bride.”

  Evelyn looked utterly confused.

  “I planned to not have sex with a woman before I was married. I slept with the huntress. For three months I ‘lived in that sin.’ It’s why I had been at her house before the attack. I went to her like a dumb puppy and turned my back on everything I ever believed…including God. I haven’t been with anyone since, and I will not cross that line again until I’m married.”

  Evelyn’s heart broke for Jackson, even while it ached over what his confession meant for her. She’d actually assumed he’d been with women before…almost everyone but herself had. Hearing it still hurt. “But that was a long time ago. You haven’t dated anyone since her?”

  “No. I guess you could say that after getting my ribs broken and getting shot, God got my attention. Then I met you, and I already told you I couldn’t think about anyone except you after we met.”

  Tears were swelling in Evelyn’s eyes. “Were you scared?”

  “No,” Jackson answered honestly. “I was very angry.” There was still more, worse. “Evelyn, you need to know I killed two of them.” He frowned when he felt her shudder and shift away, ever so slightly. “I didn’t want to; I swear to you I didn’t. But it took me a little while to care about the lives I ended. I justified it by telling myself there were four of them, and only one of me, so I had no choice. But it eventually caught up with me. I know now that I did have a choice, and I chose selfishly.” He had taken two men’s lives. Nothing could justify that.

  “Those men would have hurt others if you didn’t stop them,” she said, and meant it, too. No one would have come through her door to save her from Tom if he had died that night. “I’m sorry you had to experience that, all of it.” Distress still lined Jackson’s face. The words from Psalm 32 filled Evelyn’s mind as she sat there with him. Charles had suggested she read it yesterday while she was avoiding Jackson. She had it memorized now. “’Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight. Yes, what joy for those whose record the LORD has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty.’” She inched closer to him and squeezed his hands. “Your dad said it was one of your favorites. I think I see why now.”

  He truly would never deserve her. Evelyn frequently humbled Jackson, but never more so than now. He wished there was nothing more they needed to talk about, that he could simply hold her until the sun came up. But there was more, and there was no easy way to tell her. “The second thing is about your parents. But you have to understand, I didn’t know any of this before Friday.” He saw the depth of her confusion in her eyes. “We – you and I – we’ve met before, a long time ago…twenty years ago. Your parents and my parents were friends before you were born.”

  Evelyn wasn’t sure how to hear what he was saying. “Jackson, I don’t even know who my dad is. How could you know?”

  “I didn’t know until you took me to your mother’s grave. Your father, Harold Thompson, was the Secretary of State and good friends with my father. He met and married your mother on a business trip to Texas. Extremists murdered your father, and your m
other came to my parents looking for safety. There was no way to get her back to Texas after that. Extremists were looking for her, and she was pregnant with you. The morning after you were born, we woke up and both of you were gone. We didn’t even know your name, where she was going, or any of her plans.”

  Evelyn felt as if she should be freaking out, having an emotional breakdown of some sort, but she wasn’t. No doubt it would come later. “So…I was born here?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you knew my mother?”

  “Yes.”

  “And she wasn’t a drug addict?”

  “No.”

  “My files say she was.”

  “Your file says whatever story she told them. She probably lied about it to keep you safe. No one would be looking for a drug addict’s daughter. My father’s going to look into it after Christmas.” He forgot he hadn’t told her that his parents knew this information too. “My parents only found out Friday as well. I needed to talk to my father to make sure I wasn’t wrong. But your mother was not a drug addict before you were born. She was a soft-spoken, kind-hearted woman who loved you very much. She called you her flower. I don’t know what happened after she left, but I wouldn’t blame her for anything after losing your father and then you too. But before then, she was as pure as you are.”

  “Thank you for telling me.” Evelyn’s mind refused to think about what she’d just heard about her parents. Jackson’s past was a needed distraction. “What was her name?”

  “Whose?” Jackson asked. He worried about the glassy look in Evelyn’s eyes. “Your mother’s? You know that.”

  Evelyn shook her head. “No. The woman you had sex with.” She hadn’t meant to say it so plainly.

  Jackson hadn’t spoken her name since he visited her when he got out of the hospital. Even locked in a cell and dressed in criminal’s clothing, she was enticing, and he hated her for it. That first night he met her, she had made him a slave to his fleshly desire for her body and kept him shackled for three months. He still struggled with hatred for her, but prayed against it every time it rose in him again. “Alice.”

  “How did you meet?”

  Jackson noted her fidgeting hands. Not a good sign. “At a gym. She sought me out.”

  “How long did you date her?”

  Jackson wasn’t accustomed to talking about himself. Aside from the report he had to write, and the trials he had to attend, he didn’t share these details of his life with anyone; not even his parents. They knew the basics, but not every intimate detail like Evelyn sought. But he knew she deserved an answer to every question she had, so he tried not to let his anxiety show. “Three months.”

  “I thought you said…never mind. I must have misunderstood.”

  He knew what she meant. He had already admitted they slept together for three months. “No, you didn’t. I took her home with me the first night.”

  Oh. That shocked Evelyn out of the daze she was in. “You walked away from me when we met. She must be very beautiful, to captivate you so quickly.”

  Jackson was glad to see life back in her eyes, but knew he needed to affirm her. “She had her charms, but she is nowhere near as beautiful as you. And she didn’t captivate me, you do. She ensnared me. I would let men talk about Alice. I didn’t respect her enough,” or myself, “to keep people from saying things. I’ve never let men talk about you, even before I really knew you. Maybe I shouldn’t tell you, but I want you more than I ever wanted her. And, if you will remember, I did not walk away; you did.”

  Evelyn smiled sadly. “Do you mind if I go? I just want to go to bed.” She was standing even as she spoke, not waiting for an answer. She left Jackson sitting alone and when she knew she was out of sight, she ran to her room to get away from everything she’d heard.

  As soon as her door was closed, she collapsed on the floor and cried, though she wasn’t entirely sure what she was crying about. It was good news that her father had been a good man, and that her parents had been married, and that she had been loved and not the accident she always assumed she had been. And it was good news that she now had a connection to her past through the people she loved most. But something still tore at her heart.

  As she cried, she tried to discern her feelings about Jackson’s past. She knew she didn’t judge him for what he had done; his actions against those men were in self-defense, and she’d seen Sarah dig her claws into the hearts of enough men to know how easily they could fall prey to seductive women. She discovered her hurt in her own shortcomings. After being with that Alice woman, how could she ever be enough for Jackson? She wasn’t sure how it was possible to be jealous of the woman who hurt the man she loved; but she was. So she cried and cried until she couldn’t cry anymore. When she had shed every last tear, she finally crawled into bed and tried to sleep.

  Chapter 41

  Evelyn wasn’t sure what woke her up. There wasn’t a noise. No nightmare. It was too dark to be morning. She checked the clock. Three o’clock. She lay restless for a few minutes until she decided she would get a drink of water. As she passed the sunroom she looked in and saw Jackson.

  He sat on the floor with his legs crossed and his head in his hands and his lips moving, though she heard no sound. She couldn’t understand why he wasn’t in bed. She whispered in to him, “Jackson?” He became rigid at the sound of her voice. “Jackson, why are you still up?”

  “I just lost track of time.” He didn’t look up at her.

  Something told her to go to him, so she did. Kneeling in front of him, she could see the agony on his face. She forgot about her own pain, her insecurities; she forgot about herself completely. She climbed into his lap and wrapped her arms around him, hoping she could love the pain out of him. The strength of his arms around her fought against the fear in her heart and, after some time, she could speak. “I love you, Jackson.” She thought she felt him laughing, but when she looked at him, she saw he was crying.

  It wasn’t fear; it was absolute terror that swept through her. “Jackson!” She would have jumped away from him if he wasn’t holding her still. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”

  Jackson remembered the last time he had cried. He was seven, and he had learned that Justine Thompson and her baby girl were gone. And now that precious child was back, grown and beautiful, and she loved him. “Everything’s wrong,” he admitted. “I am an adulterer, and a murderer, and I’ve rejoiced in seeing you open your heart to me when I should have made you close it and lock it away from me. I tried so hard to protect you from everyone else, but it’s me who puts your heart in real danger.”

  She shook her head and smiled. It was her turn to speak against the lies in his heart. “Do you want to know what I see when I look at you?” she began, remembering how he spoke against the darkness in her own heart. “I see a man, a very handsome man, who has had to endure some terrible things.” She spread her hands over his chest and ran them up to his shoulders. “I see a man who is built for battle, who has never backed down. I see a man who will make tough decisions to protect those who need protecting, and who will sacrifice himself for those he loves. I see a man who loves deeply but judges himself too harshly.” She took his hands in hers and kissed them. “I see a man with strong hands that have saved me so many times and arms that hold me together when I’m breaking apart. You are fierce and strong, and you are kind and just.

  “You could break others, but you choose to build them up.” She let his hands go and draped her arms about his neck. She forced herself to look straight in his eyes. “Jackson, you brought me into your family and your home. You’ve fought for me, you’ve protected me, and you were willing to let me go to keep me safe. You’re walking a path of selflessness, even though I know you don’t see it that way. You’re my hero.” She bit her lip nervously. “When you look at me you send chills through me, the touch of your hands makes me tremble. Since the first time you kissed me, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.” She leaned in and whispered against his lips
: “That is what you must see in yourself.” For the first time, she kissed him.

  Jackson was dangerously close to losing control. Emotions raw from the agonizing hours not knowing if his past had pushed her away, his body ached for her comfort. He could feel her pulse matching his, racing under his palms as he cupped her face. Gasping for air to clear his mind, he pushed her out of his lap.

  “I’m sorry,” he spoke, his voice deep and rough with his emotions. These feelings, yearnings, were all too familiar. He had been praying unceasingly for her since she left him earlier that night. He prayed for her comfort, for understanding, and for healing. And he prayed she’d return. He couldn’t let himself use her this way.

  He kept his eyes closed and his hands tight around her arms as he tried to calm down. Weakness against his flesh was his shame. He couldn’t have her any closer, but he didn’t want her to leave either. When he opened his eyes, he wasn’t surprised that Evelyn’s were downcast. He let go of her arms and tipped her chin up. “I’m sorry I pushed you off my lap, but I had to get you away from me. I was losing control.” He smiled weakly at her. “You can be a little overwhelming.” Seeing her blush at her own words repeated back to her made him smile wider. “I think it’s time we talked about us.”

  Evelyn moved to sit next to Jackson and, continuing in her newfound boldness, held his hand as they talked. “So, you’re my boyfriend, and I’m your girlfriend, right?”

  Jackson lifted their hands and kissed her fingers. “Yes. That’s what we are, for now.”

  Evelyn shifted slightly at those last words. “What do you want from me, as your girlfriend?”

  Jackson took his time answering. He’d thought about what it would mean to have Evelyn in his life this way, but he hadn’t thought about it in the way she was asking. “Hmm,” he started, and smiled as she laid her head on his shoulder. “I guess what I want from you is honesty. Honesty and a lot of help keeping me accountable.”