Surrender

by D H Sidebottom

  ADAM LOOKED UP AT me when I quietly walked into his office the next morning. He frowned then quirked an eyebrow. “You look like I feel.”

  Simply nodding and giving him a forced smile, I tossed my bag into the corner of the room then went back into the main area to make us a drink.

  He was leaning back in his chair, his fingers steepled and his eyes studying me when I returned and placed his coffee in front of him. Sitting in the opposite chair, both of us silent, I looked at him over the rim of my own cup and blew into my hot tea.

  “Seems my brother was murdered,” I divulged bluntly with a sigh as I took a sip. Curiously Adam nodded. “You know?”

  “Of course I know.” He stared at me like I was stupid. “Isla, I work for Jake Devine. I know everything.”

  I snorted at that, gulping more tea down. Adam eyed me. “I take it you two have had words.”

  I shook my head then plucked the small notepad from my bag. “Nope, that’s the problem. Jake, it seems, has trouble with words.”

  “Eh?”

  Shaking my head and sighing, I plucked the lid off my pen and looked at Adam. “Right. What’s my first job?”

  He frowned. “I didn’t think you’d want to work today.”

  “Why?”

  “Well, the new development with Seb . . .”

  “It’s hardly a development, Adam. He’s not a project . . .”

  “No, I didn’t mean that, just . . .” He sighed and rolled his eyes. “Well, Jake’s looking into it already.”

  “What?”

  He leaned forwards, his hands placed flat on his desk. “Just what I said. Jake is sorting it; Sebastian’s murder,” he finished as if clarifying what he meant.

  “I don’t understand. This has nothing to do with Jake.”

  I jolted when Adam laughed out loud. “Uh . . .”

  “Uh what?” My stomach was in knots with the growing anger.

  He coughed and straightened up when he saw my annoyance. “Isla, even you’re not that naïve.”

  “Obviously I am,” I growled, shifting in my seat to try and alleviate the heat in my veins.

  His face grew serious and he scrutinised me for a moment. “You do understand you’re now Jake’s?”

  I was stunned silent for a moment but I swallowed and lifted a brow at him. “I’m sorry?”

  “Isla. According to Jake, you fucked yesterday.”

  “I . . . What? I’m sorry . . . how . . .”

  He waved a hand at me. “He’s my best friend Isla. We talk. I also know how he works. He says you’re his then believe me, you are his. All of you. Even your damn soul.”

  “But . . .” I shot upright. “I don’t fucking think so. Just because we . . . had intercourse does not mean anything of mine belongs to him.”

  “Why are you mad?”

  My mouth popped open and my glare fixed on him with incredulity. “Are you all fucking crazy?”

  He pursed his lips, deliberating my question. “Maybe. Yes. But I don’t get what your problem is.”

  “Jesus—H—Christ!”

  “Isla, belonging to Jake Devine is far from bad. You won’t have to worry about anything ever again. No one will touch you, you won’t want for anything . . .”

  “Apart from my independence it seems!” I raged. “How dare he? Who the fuck does that man think he is?”

  “He’s Jake Devine,” Adam said frankly as though that explained everything. “He will find who killed Seb, Isla.”

  I blinked, not sure how I felt. Did I want my own justice? Or did I want the police to arrest him. Did I want to enact revenge? Or did I want the British justice system to put him away for a few months then give him a bank account full of cash and a nice little apartment somewhere to get him back on his feet? I winced when the anger in my belly wanted my own hands to bring justice to Seb’s murderer.

  Slowly, I sat back down and stared at Adam. “How did he know?” He shook his head telling me he didn’t understand. “Jake,” I clarified. “How did he find out about Seb?”

  “Do you have any idea who Jake is, Isla?” When I shrugged, he nodded slowly. Looking away for a moment, he pulled in a breath. “He . . . his life is . . . different to most, Isla. Jake is respected in many areas and not just with this business or because he has money. He’s respected because . . . well because many men, including high class fucks and even lowlifes are terrified of him. Do you understand how much someone will respect you if they’re scared of you?”

  “But why would anyone be scared of Jake?”

  A rueful smile lifted his lips, making him seem quite menacing. “I know what you did to Dwaine, Isla.” He shook his head when I stiffened. “I know how much you beat him, how much your dark side took over and did a job for you that would seem implausible any other time. You see, to Jake, it wouldn’t be his darkness that did that, it would be his light. Jake Devine has no rules, Isla. He’s the only man I know who can rip out someone’s throat with his bare hands while he’s playing online poker with the fucker’s brother on his phone.”

  My eyes widened and I was struggling to breathe. “I . . .”

  “You’re part of him now, Isla. Whether you like it or not, you are under the Devine wing, as we call it. You won’t ever get out. But you also need to understand that there are many people on this planet that would kill for that opportunity. You will never be touched by anyone again. No one will dare even look at you without permission from Jake.”

  “But what if I don’t want any of that?”

  Adam shrugged. “Unfortunately, sweet, you don’t have a choice. If he’s declared you his then even you can’t argue. Jake owns things, Isla. You included.”

  Shaking my head, I slowly stood. Leaning forward and pressing my sweaty palms to his desk, I got in close. He didn’t move back, just stared me out. “I—don’t—care. I am Isla Cormack. There’s a reason my parents gave me a name, it was to give me an identity, a title. If Jake Devine likes to own things then maybe he should spend an hour in an auction room. I am me. I am mine. No one else’s.”

  He nodded slowly. “We’ll see. When he gets back from . . .”

  “Fucking his whore?” I cut in.

  “What?”

  “Genesis.”

  Adam’s face darkened with the mention of her name, his teeth clenching tightly as his eyes shifted away. Silently, he stood up and pulled some paperwork from a shelf on a high unit and held it out to me. “These need taking to John the Casino. While you’re there I think he has some work for you.”

  He was dismissing me, sharply and rudely. Snatching them from him, still simmering at what he had insinuated with Jake and me, I nodded firmly. “On it . . . boss!”

  He shook his head and turned, terminating our conversation. Rolling my eyes, I grumbled under my breath and got to work, relishing in the chance to be actually doing something to stop the rampant thoughts in my head.

  Don’t think about it and it isn’t happening. It was a stupid saying. It didn’t work.

  The day flew by; I loved it. Everyone was lovely to me and by the time my shift was over I was shattered but happy.

  Adam smiled at me when I walked back in his office. “Hey, how did it go?”

  I nodded and smiled, glad we were no longer at loggerheads. I hated when an argument dragged on. “Good. Great actually.” I scratched Bernie behind his ear as I yawned and pushed my bag on my shoulder. “Well, I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Isla,” Adam shouted just as I started to descend the stairs. I looked over my shoulder to him. “Why didn’t you answer your phone to Jake?”

  Jake had been texting and calling my phone all day but I’d declined and deleted all of them. “Do you two tell each other everything?”

  He nodded. “Yep, we even compare dick sizes.”

  I blinked and he winked when my lips twitched. “Oh yeah, who won?”

  He rolled his eyes as if my question didn’t have a base to go on. He sighed as he slipped Bernie’s lead onto his collar.
“He’s furious.”

  “Is he?” I smirked and winked at Adam. “What a shame.”

  He stared at me then shook his head and chuckled. “Dear God, I think the holy Jake Devine has finally met his match.”

  “Or his superior,” I rectified with another wink. “See you in the morning, Adam.”

  He laughed but I didn’t miss his words as I reached the bottom of the stairs. “Good luck, Isla. He’s livid and on his way home.”

  I gulped, juddering slightly as I grabbed the door handle. This would be fun.

  DR LOVEJOY WALKED SWIFTLY towards me when I entered my mother’s nursing home. I had smiled at the receptionist when I’d walked in and she’d stopped me, holding me in the main foyer.

  I frowned at the look on his face, his usual calm demeanour full of anguish. My heart sped up and I gripped hold of the counter. “Isla, if you’ll follow me, I need a word in my office.”

  I swallowed heavily, following him as fast I could as he tore through numerous corridors. My stomach flipped. What if mum had remembered? What if she’d told him what I’d done? Things rushed through my head, mainly the thought that I was finally going to prison for what I had done but another happy flicker in my chest told me that maybe, finally, my mother had managed to free herself from the nightmare that cursed her.

  I slowly stepped into his familiar office, my mouth dry as he gestured to a chair at his desk. Settling behind it he pushed his specs up his large nose and pursed his lips.

  “Isla.” He sighed.

  “Dr Lovejoy?”

  He swivelled round in his chair without saying anything else and pointed a remote to a monitor on his wall, nodding towards it for me to watch. I peered at the flickering images, squinting as I tried to focus on the distorted CCTV recording. He paused the image when a man stepped into a corridor. “Do you recognise this man, Isla?”

  I reared back and stared at him. “Dr Lovejoy, he could be bloody Jon Bon Jovi and I wouldn’t have a clue from that image. Who is he?”

  He ran his tongue along his lips. “This man entered your mother’s room this morning.”

  I froze, staring at the doctor as my heart started to gallop and sweat broke out on my forehead. “What? What did he do?”

  “Calm down, he didn’t hurt her.”

  “But who . . . what did he do?”

  He dropped his eyes for a moment. “At the moment we can’t determine much but . . . he informed Marianne of Seb’s death.”

  I couldn’t breathe. Everything in the room rushed at me as my ears hummed. I was sure I stopped living for the slightest moment in time. “Oh God, no.”

  He tipped his head, gazing at me sympathetically. “She’s not doing well, Isla. We’ve sedated her for the time being.”

  I nodded, tears filling my eyes. “Who the hell was he?”

  “We have no idea how he even got in. I’m so sorry, Isla. I wanted to tell you before I informed Mr Cormack.”

  “Thank you. Can I see her?” He nodded but I could tell he had something else to say. “Doctor?”

  He leant forward and braced my hand that was resting on the top of his desk. “Isla, I’ve tried numerous therapies for your mother, as you know.” I nodded. “But I have the feeling there’s something I’m not seeing.” I stiffened in my chair. “I also have a feeling you can see the thing I am not.”

  “Doctor . . .”

  “Anything you tell me, Isla, and I mean anything, is treated in the strictest confidence. I am confident that Marianne is suffering from a form of post stress disorder. But I can’t help her if I don’t know what I’m treating.”

  He stared at me long and hard. He knew. I knew he did. Closing my eyes, I slumped in my chair and sighed. “I . . . a long time ago I . . . I was raped. My mother was tied to a chair and witnessed it.”

  When I opened my eyes, Dr Lovejoy was smiling softly at me. “Isla, you know I ‘help heads’ as you so humorously put it. Why didn’t you ever tell me this? Your mother has been here a long time. I consider us friends. I am not only here to help Marianne but you also.”

  “Because that’s not all,” I whispered. I knew my dad would shout and scream at me for this but my mother had been through enough. She needed help and it was time to stop being selfish and give her all that she could get.

  “Go on,” he encouraged softly.

  “This is confidential, right?”

  He nodded firmly. “Absolutely.”

  My mouth was dry and my heart beat way too fast but I took a deep breath, prepared to take the consequences for my mother’s health. “The man . . . the man who raped me threatened to . . . rape Seb.” Dr Lovejoy grimaced but remained silent and fully focused on me. “So I killed him,” I divulged quietly as I kept my eyes trained on him.

  “Did Marianne witness that too?” I nodded, slightly stunned that was all he had to say. “Okay. Now I can try to give her the correct treatment.”

  I regarded him, my eyes widening marginally. “That’s all?”

  He shook his head. “No.”

  I thought not.

  “I want you to see me professionally, Isla.”

  “Believe me, Dr Lovejoy, you do not want to see what is in my head.”

  “I get the impression you’re not as traumatised by the event as your mother.”

  I smirked. “I see why you chose this profession, Doctor. You’re very good at what you do.”

  “Please, Isla. You would be a perfect subject for me to study. I’m rather intrigued by the dark side in some people.”

  I nodded and chuckled. “Then you ought to delve into someone I know, you’d be in your element.”

  “Who?”

  Shaking my head and dismissing that direction, I picked up my bag. “I’ll think about it if that’s okay?”

  He nodded, standing to accompany me out of his room. “Please do. I don’t judge Isla but I’m fascinated by the various depths of empathy people have. I want to see what drives your violent side. Of course there’ll be no charge and this study will be for my personal therapy only. But I think I can help you as well as you aiding my research.”

  I pondered his words as we strolled towards my mum’s room. I had always struggled with the side of me that had taken enjoyment in killing someone. Even though Dwaine had done what he had done, was it up to me to enact judgement? Was it for the justice system to decide? Was it even up to God to decide? Even though I had been haunted by what I had done, another part of me was grateful that I now knew he wouldn’t hurt anyone again and he had paid for what he had done to my family. Could talking to the doc help me make peace with myself for what I had done, and would I finally be able to sleep through the night without waking in a sweat drenched nightmare?

  “Okay.”

  Dr Lovejoy grinned widely, patting my shoulder when we reached my mother’s room. “Thank you. I’ll ring you to make an appointment when it’s convenient for you.” I nodded as I gazed at my mother sat in a high-backed chair in front of the window. “She’s quite groggy still, Isla.”

  I smiled, thanking him as I stepped into the room and he closed the door behind me.

  My heart grew tight as I watched her pretty long hair blow with the breeze from the open window. For a woman in her early fifties I was in awe of how young my mother still looked. She sported no grey hairs and her skin was as smooth as a woman in her twenties. She had an amazing figure, her body healthy and trim. It was the inside that was diseased and weak.

  “Hey, Mum,” I whispered.

  She turned her head slowly to me. I gasped at the horror in her tear-filled eyes. Tears burst from my own with the look of utter devastation in her once happy eyes. “He’s dead, Isla,” she slurred. “My boy is dead.”

  “Mum.”

  She held out her hand and I rushed towards her, the sound of her distraught sob making my knees buckle. No mother should ever live through the death of a child. My mother had already been through so much. I’d wanted to shield her delicate mind from this but I hoped, prayed, that my
admission to Dr Lovejoy would allow him to begin to heal her.

  “I love you, Mum.”

  She nodded against my head as I sat in her lap and curled into her, relishing the feel of her arms around me. I felt protected, like a five-year-old taking comfort in the arms of her mother.

  “You do know,” she whispered against my head quietly. “That this is all your fault Isla.” I stilled, my body wincing involuntary at her honest words. “If you had never brought that evil man to our home then Sebastian would never have been haunted by the sin you executed. He would never have had to bury a body that you smashed into tiny pieces.”

  I squeezed my eyes closed, hating the truth that she ravaged me with. “I know . . .” I choked out.

  “You will never see your brother again, Isla. My only daughter will never follow me to Eden. The devil will take you.”

  I nodded, hoping she was right because I didn’t want redemption, I didn’t want to sit on a damn fluffy cloud. I wanted to burn in the depths of my own sin. And, if I was honest with myself, I wanted to follow Jake Devine into hell.

  MY EYES OPENED SLOWLY and I groaned against the banging in my head. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that last vodka. I frowned as a soft glow illuminated what should have been darkness and froze when I tried to sit up, my body refusing to move. My hands were held above my head, clasped together with something that wrapped around my wrists tightly. I gasped when I realised my legs were spread open and also tethered by the ankles to the bottom of the bed frame.

  “What the fuck?”

  “I don’t like to be ignored, Isla.”

  My head shot towards the voice. Jake was sitting in the chair watching me with eyes that penetrated my skin and froze the marrow in my bones.

  “Let me go!” I demanded as I pulled at my hands and feet. I had no idea how the hell he’d managed to tie me to the bed without waking me, but then I imagined Jake could do a lot of things stealthily.

  He leaned forwards in his chair, his elbows on his knees and his steepled fingers resting on his mouth.

  “Why didn’t you answer my calls or reply to my texts?”