Till We Rise

by Camila Cher Harmath

  As I walk I take several breaths to calm myself down. I approach a litter bin and throw the post it the principal gave me, I won't ever need that shit and I assuredly couldn't care less.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  As I walk down the hallway I realize that our debate class is over because I see some faces of people who were before in class. I wonder who won the debate, I am not that interested but I am the most curious person in the world and I always want to know everything as long as it is not mine.

  Sometimes I want to know every little thing about other people just because I don’t want to think about my life and my problems; it’s like an easy way to run away from my can of worms. However, I always end up screwing the whole thing up because my plan of skedaddling and pretending that I have no things such as problems –that are completely common because every single person has at least ten of them and if you have less you should consider yourself a really lucky and blessed person– always ends up failing. I can’t avoid them completely but I can’t keep up with them either, so I prefer acting like I don’t give a shit and LOOK, A BIRD. Basically that’s how it works.

  Maybe he was right, maybe I do need help but I am a coward, that’s why I have this ability to curse at everything and everyone; I don’t want to show myself as if I am hurt, I don’t feel comfortable crying or making me look vulnerable in front of other people, even in front of my mother, I can’t.

  I am afraid of acknowledging the truth, I don’t want to know certain things about my past, or even about my present because I don’t know how I would react. I don’t want to know either if I am capable of listening to things, which obviously I am not prepared to listen. I truly don’t know what I need but I am sure that whatever it is, it will come by itself sooner or later. I wish later.

  I see Roth across the corridor, and think that yesterday I would have tried to hide myself from my friend, but today I need to come up against him. I keep walking towards his direction and, the nearer I am, the more uncomfortable I feel.

  He is standing beside the wall and his eyes are looking straight to the floor; he is obviously feeling my presence, but he is not brave enough to look at my eyes. I am not either, but, come on, he is the man and he is the one who disrespected a woman, something I find slightly disgusting.

  I stop beside him and wait for him to look at me, he seems nervous and disturbed. I don’t understand what the hell is wrong with him and if he doesn’t tell me I will never find out. It’s okay if it’s something extremely personal and has to be kept a secret but I find it definitely NOT OKAY TO TALK TO ME THE WAY HE DID EARLIER.

  Roth is completely still, so I cough on purpose just a little bit louder than normal because the college is crowded at this time of the day and lots of people are talking and walking. I know he could hear me but he doesn’t move. I don’t know what else to do because I don’t want to start the conversation; he is the one who has to.

  I put my backpack over one shoulder and lean against the wall; I am tired of waiting, so I start to talk.

  "Are you going to talk to me, or you are going to stay quiet for one hour straight?" I inquire with a tone of cruelty. I am really sorry, Roth, but you totally deserve it.

  He turns his head a little bit and looks at me with fear. He doesn’t seem scared, he seems petrified. While he is looking at me I realize that his eyes are moving from left to right really fast. Roth takes a deep and almost endless breath and begins the sentence…

  • • •

  We ended up talking inside my car because he was afraid of everyone hearing it. I had to insist and persist for him to say a fucking word.

  He’s gay. Roth is gay. On Monday, he had spent the whole day with his 21 years-old boyfriend at his house because it was his birthday, totally acceptable. Plus, their parents are on a trip, so Roth has the house for himself this week. He looked so happy when he confessed it to me; he was smiling and laughing while he talked about Terrence and how perfect he is. They met last Summer at a bar and since then they can’t live without each other, and they always talk over the phone before going to bed, which made me feel a little bit resentful because I always dreamt about waiting every night for my boyfriend to call and talk about stupid things, such as pigeons, for example, for a matter of hours.

  One thing that amazed me about Terry (Roth calls him like that) was the fact that he has been studying biochemistry for about four years at Harvard, he must be really smart and I am completely sure he looks like a sexy nerd with blond hair and trekkie glasses.

  He also told me that he had reacted defensively towards me because he thought I was going to laugh and tell everyone about his homosexuality; I obviously denied it because (a) I am not homophobic, (b) he is my only friend, (c) I am not capable of telling someone his secret and (d) this whole argument is senseless.

  I gave him moral support, told him that everything was okay and all that cheesy things friends are supposed to do and say. I am actually really happy for him because I know that he is a great friend, and he obviously can be the best boyfriend on the entire Earth.

  We did not talk about why the principal was looking for me; he did not seem to care at all by virtue of his lack of interest in me, so he never asked about it. I kind of felt grateful because I was not going to tell him, of course, otherwise our conversation would have lead to an argument and I was happy about the whole situation and everything, so I stayed quiet and listened to what he said.

  I wonder if he has told his friends about his sexual orientation, because he is my only friend, but I am not his only friend. I am starting to feel a little bit more special than I should; maybe that’s why he was feeling extremely nervous, because nobody knows about it but me and Terrence.

  Now we are getting back to college because our class is about to start and Roth is beyond all bearing with being punctual so if we had not gotten out of the car he would have freaked out and I don’t want to have a nervous Roth beside me.

  We are walking in silence to the first floor and suddenly, I see Theodore and some other boys –I guess they are friends of him– walking in other direction, far away from me but every step we both make takes us nearer each other.

  My heart stops and so do my legs; I can’t keep walking. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. He is a boy, not a serial killer that’s looking for girls like me to kill.

  "What’s wrong?" Roth asks and stops walking. He doesn’t approach me; he just stands still two or three steps ahead of me.

  I decide not to look at him because I am looking at Theodore. He follows my gaze to see the same as me, but he fails and quickly turns around and glances at me for the second time.

  "Calypso, are you okay?" he asks again with a tone of concern.

  I try not to be obvious about the whole weird situation, but I honestly can’t help myself at this moment.

  "Roth, I, um, forgot something," I lie to him. My voice isn’t convincing at all but he seems to believe me; perfect. I don’t want to argue with Roth anymore.

  I see Theo walking straight to my direction, he is now all by himself and I am freaking out on my insides. "Go to class, I’ll catch you later," I add instantly.

  "Thank you about... You know," he says after nodding. I smile at him and he starts walking again at a slow pace.

  "Hey, there," I hear his sensual voice right in front of my face. I freeze. Wake up, Calypso, wake the fucking up.

  "I was expecting a ‘hi’ back but it’s okay if you don’t want to talk," he adds sarcastically while crooking his smile. I know he is joking but I don’t need to look like a total dork in front of him. In just two days I have already made lots of stupid things so come on, I need to be smart now or I will lose him forever.

  "Oh, hi. Sorry," I finally speak, thanks to God.

  "Don’t be, I am kidding," he looks elegant but untidy; he has an extremely rare beauty and let me tell that I admire everything that is rare.

  The way his dark eyes matches his nose, the way his nose matches his not-so-fleshy lips,
the way his lips match his defined cheekbones and the way everything altogether matches everything.

  He is the most perfect human being I have ever seen in my life, and I thank to God I’ve been offered the pleasure to see it with my own pair of eyes.

  "What happened with the principal today? I am sorry about that too," I say innocently, as if I didn’t know what the principal had told him. I want to know his side of the story and why everything ended up alright with him and the principal because when he got out of the office he was laughing and Mr. Abernathy did not seem to push too harsh on him as he did with me.

  "It was not your fault," he admits with a soft voice and his eyes looking at me tenderly as if he feels bad that I think it is actually my fault; it definitely is but it doesn’t matter as long as he keeps staring at me with those eyes.

  "Yes it was, come on," I laugh a little bit and he smiles at me. "I don’t really care so don’t you dare feel sorry for me, okay?" I speak and while I do I realize that he is looking directly at my lips, which makes the whole situation extremely sexual and I’ve never experienced this feeling but I kind of like it. And I definitely love that Theo is the one who makes me feel this way; hope I make him feel this way too. I wish, I really do.

  "What did Mr. Abernathy told you?" I don’t want to wait until he says something after me so I just ask him this question to break the silence that maybe was going to come.

  "Um, we just talked about the thing in the bathroom, you know," he answers half serious and half joking but I can’t realize if he is actually being serious or if he is joking.

  "And why were you both laughing like crazy when you left?" I interrogate him.

  "We were just laughing about it, it was funny," he answers crooking his smile and touching his hair.

  "Yeah, sure. You were laughing about me. Great", I tell pretending that I am partially angry at him but I am not. How could I be angry at him?

  "No, Calypso," Theodore adds seriously, I start to feel that he is the one who’s angry. I stare at him perplexed, waiting for him to say something else.

  "I am kidding, relax, girl," he laughs and grabs my arms to make me feel comfortable; it works and because of it, I sigh and then pull a thanks-to-God smile.

  "Oh, God. You really like to joke around, huh?" I raise my eyebrows.

  "Not really. You’re tensed up and I want you to relax," he admits. I find it kind that he wants me to feel comfortable around him.

  "Oh." I don’t know what to say, he is totally right. I am afraid because I am trying to be someone else in front of him and that doesn’t work.

  I find it really hard keeping up a normal conversation with people I barely know because I am not used to it at all. When I have the chance to talk to someone that I care about or that I want to have a chat with, I always end up trying harder than I should and therefore, I screw everything up. And it’s completely wrong, I shouldn’t; I just need to be myself or at least try to.

  The bell rings, and consequently everyone around us starts walking faster, making everything even more annoying. Suddenly, Theodore approaches me and now he is approximately ten inches away from my face; we are both staring at each other in silence. I have to look up because he is a little bit taller than me. His eyes are sky-dark but bright and vivid at the same time, they have life, they look radiant.

  I realize again that from time to time, he looks at my lips but I don’t do anything about it, I just keep looking at his darting eyes and observing his beauty –which is a lot of beauty– and wish that this has no end. I could live for ages staring at someone like him, he is like life itself, he wants me to be alive.

  He slowly moves one of his arms and places my hair behind my left ear, such a cliché. I feel his warm hand besides my cheek and I start smiling at him, I can’t control it. Lots of emotions at once are pretty harsh to handle.

  "You should go to class," he says between teeth, putting his arm back to its original place.

  "I don’t care," I breathe.

  "But I do care, you will, um, miss class," Theo looks really worried, maybe he is extremely responsible and doesn’t want me to skip class because of him, but as I said before; I don’t care.

  "I don’t feel like going," I admit while grabbing the sleeves of my black pullover. Fuck, I am nervous.

  "And what do you feel like doing?" he asks biting the edge of his lower lip.

  CHAPTER SIX

  "Woah, is this your car?" he asks looking impressed. It’s not the best car in the world and IT’S RED. I don’t know why he is so amazed.

  "Kind of," I answer and get into it. He follows me and sits on the passenger seat and instantly put the seat belt on; what a cautious man.

  "I am not a fan of cars so..."

  "Oh God, you’re gonna kill me," Theodore sighs and pulls a disappointed face.

  "I am not! I was just letting you know," I say laughing. I don’t want him to feel that he is literally going to die. Whatever, if he dies at least we are going to die together, so maybe that is not so bad after all. I turn on the engine and start moving forward.

  "Are you sure that it’s okay if we go to your friends place, I mean, I don’t know who he is and... Does he know who am I? What about his parents? Oh god, you are definitely going to kill me, lady," he speaks nonstop. I wish I had the balls to shut him up with a fucking kiss.

  "Now you’re the one who’s all tensed up," I say laughing. I turn to look at him for a millisecond and add, “Roth's parents aren’t in Boston, so don’t worry."

  He takes a deep breath and then rolls down the window as if it was hot or something, I am kind of freezing but its fine, I can stand it.

  I start thinking about the situation and it’s a little bit awkward; we are going together to a friend’s house whose parents are out of town and we barely know each other. Don’t get me wrong, I am not thinking about something extremely weird. We just met yesterday and I don’t know why, but I feel that I trust him. And certainly, he trusts me too because skipping college and agreeing to come into my car –in spite of me not being a good driver at all– is an important thing, you know.

  Roth’s house is kind of near mine’s, so I know where we are and how to get back to college afterwards.

  "We are here," I say as I park in front of the small brown wooden house. I feel proud of myself considering I managed to do it in just two perfect shunting; it makes me feel happy as I hate driving and everything about it.

  "I’ll take your stuff," Theo offers with such a nice tone of voice, which made me die of tenderness on my insides.

  "Thanks," I say shyly; he is certainly starting to affect me. It’s normal for boys to carry girls’ stuff and make them feel special, but I truly don’t know how the hell to react; am I being cold, or am I being enthusiastic? I seriously don’t know.

  I think that the fact of not having girl friends is such a big problem because I would have learned so much from them, and also, I would have had the opportunity to talk about boys stuff. Now maybe with Roth I will be able to talk about males too, but it’s still not the same, I mean, we both like boys but eventually, we are not the same gender and that completely changes the situation.

  When we approach the front door I instantly grab the keys and open it as fast as I can because I am seriously freezing. When I exhale, steam indeed comes out of my mouth. I enter first and realize that by his look, he might be wondering if it’s okay to get inside.

  "Seriously? Get in, Theodore," I take a few steps to get him and carefully grab both of his tensed arms and bring him inside with me.

  He closes the door after getting in and then places his and my stuff in the wooden floor near the warm chimney. He takes out his blue coat and only keeps his plain white t-shirt on, showing his beautiful long arms. It is hot in here, though.

  "Wow, this is great," he says with his mouth open. He seems amazed by everything –including my hideous car– and I find that completely cute; it probably means that he is pretty easy to impress.

  I had kin
d of forgotten how nice Roth’s place was. He has a huge entrance hall and everything matches different tones of green. The best part of it is the piano they have at a side of the room, which makes the scenery even more beautiful; I would love to play the piano, but obviously, I never had the guts to start piano lessons because I am stupid as fuck.

  "Where should we, um, go?" he asks excitable. It sounds pretty weird, to be honest; it actually seems that he is thinking the same as me because he is now smiling like he is about to laugh.

  "Roth’s room?" I doubt.

  "Seems good to me," he says confidently.

  I start walking towards the bedroom and Theo follows me in silence, I could barely hear his steps.

  Sometimes I forget why I am here, in this house and with this boy. I feel that something big is coming up, I just sense it and honestly it feels great, I’ve never felt this way and it kind of makes me sad, but at the same time grateful that Theodore is the one who makes me feel this different.

  We both awkwardly sit on the bed, obviously far away from each other but still near enough to feel his warmth.

  "Why are we here?” I take a shot and ask him. Maybe he is wondering the same as me, who knows.

  "Because, um, I want to know you better and...”

  "You’re so cheesy," I laugh loudly.

  "Am I?" he asks with a tone of surprise. "Well, pardon me, Calypso," he adds sarcastically. We both laugh at our stupidity.

  We could certainly know one another better at college but we kind of made it more important than it actually is; I had run like crazy among the corridor just to get Roth before he got inside the class to ask him for his keys to go to his place and skip class just because Theodore and me wanted to run away from college and blah. In my opinion, it is more than just "wanting to know each other better". If you ask me, it’s just an excuse.

  "So tell me. If you aren’t cheesy like me, tell me why we’re here," Theo teases me, moving his eyebrows up and down for like three times.