Till We Rise

by Camila Cher Harmath

  His hand is next to mine and it reminds me of those silly movies when they are in love and they touch each other’s hands without realizing it and oh my God, he touched my hand, he might be profoundly in love with me; let’s have kids, oh my God, oh my God.

  "I don’t know, Theodore," I answer trying to be serious, but I obviously don’t succeed. I feel extremely funny right now, as if everything he does or says makes me want to laugh for about two days or so.

  "Interesting answer," he speaks while he lies back on the wall. Now I am looking like stupid sitting next to a sexy man that’s lying on the bed.

  "Shut up," I add joking while changing my position and try to look less stupid, but for sure I look equally or even more stupid than I did before. He is looking through the room with such curiosity I don’t want to ruin the moment by saying something, so I just stay quiet and look at him instead.

  His hair is now messy and not pulled back as it was hours ago; I think that I like it more this way. It’s like he is less preoccupied about life, college and every responsibility he has to take care of; he’s now looking like a relaxed Theodore.

  We spent like four minutes staring; he is staring the walls and I am staring at him. All I can think about at this moment in time is: AWKWARD.

  Finally, when he ends taking a look at everything at the fucking room, he places his eyes on mines.

  "Let’s do something," he once and for all breaks the silence. He sits back again with energy, moving the bed from side to side. Why is he so excited? I like excited Theodore too.

  "Mhmm," I speak looking at him pulling a what-now face.

  "Well, do you know Truth or Dare, right?" he asks smiling.

  "Yeap," I mumble.

  "Let’s play, okay? Without the dare part, though." Theo looks like a child about to play Wii for the first time.

  "But I like dare better, it’s more fun," I admit pulling a puppy face. I really enjoy playing truth or dare, but seriously, the best part is the dare one.

  "I know, I know. Maybe another time, you know," he adds convinced that we will see each other again; oh, yeah.

  "Sure," I say smiling "You start."

  We both sit with our legs crossed in front of one another to see our faces better. I have this strange feeling that everything is so random and weird but still perfect.

  "Favorite color?" Theo asks.

  "I don’t have one," I answer timidly.

  "Oh, C’mon. Everyone has one. Mine’s blue, for example" he adds. I remember the blue coat he has and now I get why he likes blue; it surely fits him.

  "I don’t," I admit.

  "Now you should ask something you, um, want to know about me," he speaks looking straight into my eyes. I feel that he is challenging right now, to be honest.

  "Any siblings?" I wonder vaguely. I am into the game, I really am, but I got nervous and didn’t know what to ask, so most likely, I will be asking the most stupid questions.

  "Three. Chloe, 25. Frank, 9. Oh, and Stephen. Right or left handed?" he is really good at this, by the way.

  "Right Handed. Where do you live?" I am getting excited.

  "Northampton. Do you lik—"

  "Oh my god, I didn’t know you lived far away from here," I say with a tone of surprise and sadness. It makes me feel bad for him, he is about two hours away from his family and that must be absolutely hard.

  "We’ll talk about it later. Do you like pasta?"

  "I do. What about cats?" I inquire.

  "I love cats. Beside Roth, who’s your best friend?"

  "I don’t have any. Do you care what people think about you?"

  "Not really. Greatest fear?"

  "That’s a hard one," I admit doubtfully.

  "Answer, Lypso"

  "Lypso? What’s that supposed to mean?" Lypso? I don’t know why, but I am kind of associating everything with sex right now, and… Lypso sounds like lips and I can’t contain my emotions.

  "Who cares? Answer" he avoids my question like a total amateur. I do, Theodore, I do care.

  "Losing someone I love, I guess. Do you like travelling?"

  "Who doesn’t?"

  "I don’t, though."

  "Weirdest situation?"

  "Duh? Entering the wrong bathroom, you know, that’s lame," we both laugh for some seconds.

  "That was obvious, ugh. I want to change my question."

  "Do it," I demand.

  "Okay, Role model?"

  "My mother. How do you spend a typical Saturday night?"

  "Studying, or maybe… Nah, just studying. Do you like yourself?"

  "I just try to accept me, it is what it is. Greatest quality?"

  "I try to be a strong person, emotionally speaking. Are you organized or messy?"

  "Um, messy. What do you have on your pockets?" he stops for a minute to look what’s inside them, then he takes out a key and some small pieces of paper.

  "Trash and my room key. Birthday?"

  "September 6th. White or dark chocolate?"

  "Milk chocolate. Smoke, drink, take drugs?"

  "None. Are you being honest?"

  "Totally. Do you have any allergies?"

  "Don’t think so. Are you capable of killing?"

  "Yes." What? "Are you afraid of me?"

  "No? Do you believe in ghosts?"

  "Yes. Favorite sex position?"

  "I—I don’t, um, have one. Are you, you know, a virgin?"

  "No. Are you?"

  "Yeah. Have you ever been in love?"

  "Deeply. What makes yo—"

  "What happened?"

  "You shouldn’t interrupt me"

  "Who cares?" I say imitating him "I want to know."

  "And I don’t want to speak about it."

  "Why, Theodore?"

  "I just don’t."

  "That’s not the answer I will take from you."

  Why is he so mysterious about it? I want to know. I don’t care if she was the most desirable girlfriend someone could ever have, I care about his past and I want to know why he is acting like an incomprehensible boy.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  The game was a pretty good idea, he absolutely smashed it. I asked the most stupid and awful things, and I slightly regret my choices, but anyway, it ended up being an extremely interesting conversation and we were both really into it.

  I tried to make him say something about his ex girlfriend, ex lover, ex whatever, but I did not succeed. I would like to know at least who she was, how she looked like, her hair color, at least her name. I need to know, I want to, but I also don’t want to look like an annoying freak that’s pushing too hard on him to talk about something he doesn’t want to.

  Another thing that’s making a lot of sound in my head is the fact that Theodore said he is capable of killing; I should be kind of afraid of it or at least feel some rejection, but I don’t. I know he wouldn’t be able to hurt me or try to, I can sense it.

  The game is over now and I regret that I did not ask him more about it, maybe he has already killed someone or maybe it’s just me who’s being paranoid.

  At the moment I am at Roth’s kitchen searching for soda and some crackers or cookies to eat because it’s almost three in the afternoon and we haven’t had lunch.

  As regards me, I am not that hungry but he might be, he is a growing man and I don’t know why they are always fucking hungry even though they eat tons of food a day and they DO NOT GET FAT. I wish I was a boy, honestly, because being a girl sucks; periods, boobs, getting really fat on a short matter of time, literally dying to get that so-called thigh gap because the only way you can get it is eating an apple a day, trying to look nice every fucking moment of the day, let’s not even talk about acne and wearing make-up, that stupid obligation of buying new clothes because it’s not socially acceptable to wear the same shorts more than twice a week and all that stuff that boys don’t care about –besides boobs— but girls do.

  After having this girls-sucks dilemma, I am having a food one. What does Theodore prefer?
I AM FREAKING OUT. I just grab whatever can be a possibility and start walking straight back to the room. My both hands are full with about seven choices of snacks –including a banana– because I am so fucking indecisive. Also, I am carrying two bottles of water hoping nothing falls from my hands.

  I arrive and place everything in the bed and now it appears to be a mess; I can’t do better, I am sorry. I am sweaty and tired as if I have just finished building a whole huge house and worked all day long beneath the hot sun but I’ve literally just walked less than fifty steps while carrying around three pounds of food.

  "I am fine," I say sarcastically. He doesn’t even move and he is demonstrating how much he gives a shit. HELLO? Where are those boys’ manners you showed me a while ago?

  "I didn’t know what you prefer so I… Whatever, um, just grab what you want," I let him know. I feel kind of ignored and it makes me feel sad. I grab my bottle and sit on the floor like the antisocial weirdo I am.

  Minutes pass and he remains silent without eating anything, clearly something is wrong with him but I am not asking Theodore a thing again.

  "She left me, I loved her and she left me," he sobbed. I am so sorry that he was thinking about that this whole time. I feel really bad about it and I don’t know what to do.

  He moves aside, making some place for me to sit down beside him, so I do; I stand up silently from the floor, living my bottle in Roth’s beside table and I settle near him.

  I stay quiet looking at him; I want Theodore to talk without me making him some annoying questions. I want him to speak about his story and I will try not to interrupt or make him feel under pressure.

  "She was my girlfriend in senior year," he starts speaking, looking down at his hands. "And… One day she told me she was leaving," he continues with a tone of disappointment; he seems really hurt, I can see it in his eyes, the way that he stares.

  I can partially understand how he feels; I am really close to the feeling of being left behind, but not by someone I do care about and even less about the person that I am in love with.

  I listen and stare at him carefully, trying not to ruin the whole thing up as I am used to ruin every important thing in my life. I feel the urge to hug him, I want to make him feel that I am not capable of leaving him, although I don’t believe I am capable of leaving anyone because that means that I would be more lonely than I am.

  "She left the next day and..." he mumbles, then raises his head and turns his gaze to me. His eyes are puffy, like if they were about to cry and I start to feel really bad because I can’t do anything about it; I can listen, of course, but he is already broken and nobody’s gonna ever make him feel better.

  "I’ve never seen her again" Theo starts sobbing and little tears are coming down his cheeks, he tries to wipe them fast but I already realized that he is crying and there’s nothing wrong about it.

  "I said I’d try to," he adds. I am a little bit confused because it seems that he is speaking alone or with someone else, definitely not me, because I never said a word. Then, I remember that when we were playing that questions game he said he tries to be emotionally strong, I don’t know if he is referring to that but it is all I can think about at this moment.

  "You are, Theodore," I take a chance and finally speak. I know I told myself that I wouldn’t interrupt him and that I’d just listen to what he wants to say, but I can’t help myself, so I just speak.

  He wouldn’t be emotionally stable if he didn’t cry about his ex girlfriend, because it’s normal to feel sad about something that hurt you in the past and still hurts you in the present.

  He looks at me with those red eyes and tries to pull a little smirk, even though he fails because now his willing to cry is stronger than the one to smile. It doesn’t matter, I know he really tried.

  He turns his gaze down and furrows not only his forehead but his whole face muscles, as if he is going to mourn again. I find it nice when men cry, not nice in the masochist way but in the real way; they have feelings too, you know, they are allowed to release them and that is being strong, being able to express what you feel is being absolutely emotionally strong, because it’s a normal thing, it needs to be done. Moreover, I am glad he is doing it because he will feel a lot better later.

  What I don’t like about boys –or any human being– crying is when their cry stops being a releasing-emotions cry and starts to be an I-am-suffering cry. I sense that he is really suffering right now, as if he has never been able to set those horrible feelings free, or maybe he never had the chance to speak to someone about it so to liberate them.

  I can’t contain myself. I approach him and wrap my arms around him in a pretty strong yet soft way, feeling his altered breathing and his little sobs. I concentrate on that smell of him I loved a day ago; it’s not like a perfume scent but more like a natural and humanly smell; it’s extremely nice.

  I would like to stay like this forever, but then I remember that I am alone with an emotional boy crying between my arms, who is suffering because of the love –or ex love– of his life, trusting me, letting me know him, embracing my hug as if he had been needing one for a really long time (I needed one like this too, to be honest, so this is just something that benefits us both) and I need to be there for him instead of enjoying and thinking about his beautiful smell.

  "I don’t even know if she is alive" he adds minutes later. I decide to start caressing his back because I remembered that I love when someone does this to me while we are hugging. It’s comforting and makes me feel relaxed; as if I were a little baby, so fragile that everyone is afraid of breaking me. Like my mom does so. I try not to like it but the truth is that it is the best thing in the world.

  "I am afraid of losing someone else, Calypso" he whispers right into my left ear, sending me shivers all the way down my spine.

  "I won’t leave you," I whisper him back. I really mean it, as I said before; I just think that I am not capable of leaving him like she did, and even less when this someone has been absolutely kind with me and talked to me like no one ever did in my entire life. Maybe he wasn’t as kind with her as he is with me, who knows. I don’t think that someone as pure as Theodore is capable of doing something that wrong to make a girl leave him without any explanations. Even the fact that he confessed that he is capable of killing someone is not an excuse to leave him. Maybe I am right or maybe I am wrong, but I won’t know until I know.

  He does not answer to what I have just said, he just hugs me tightly. I believe that actions are more important and emotional than words, so I prefer this response better than a single "thanks" or something of the sort.

  I have never felt so attached to a human being. In a matter of days I have given my entire life –in a metaphorical way– to a guy who has done nothing but talk to me, making me feel something on my insides that no one ever did. I don’t know what this actually means, and I have been wondering it all the time I have been around him. I honestly don’t know what to do or how to act in response…

  All I can say is that I feel like I should keep it this way.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  "HELLO?" We hear a loud and familiar voice coming from the hall. Theodore freaks out and pulls me apart; he seems scared but really cute at the same time. I am a little bit afraid too because I literally did not hear anything before, such as a door opening or something like that.

  "It’s okay, it’s Roth,” I say softly, trying to calm him down. He takes a deep breath and afterwards he places his head kindly on his knees.

  "WE’RE HERE," I shout immediately.

  Theo starts complaining about my decision by sighing, denying and making every single facial movement he is able to make me feel like I have done everything in my entire life wrong.

  "COMING," I add later, looking at him.

  I get out of bed and start walking towards the entrance hall as fast as I can to try to stop Roth from entering his own bedroom, which is stupid as fuck because it’s his bedroom but anyway, Theodore doesn’t want to see h
im. Honestly, I wouldn’t want anybody to see me the way he is looking either.

  I see Roth walking slowly with his backpack hanging from his right shoulder, he is smiling looking down at his phone, obviously texting with one of his many friends or maybe with Terrence, I don’t really care about it right now. The only thing that appears to be on my mind is that I don’t know what the heck to do with Theodore and that sucks, you know.

  "Hey, you," Roth looks up and speaks.

  "Hi," I say instantly. We are now less than twenty steps away from his room. I know he wants to get in there, I can tell by the way he looks at the door, so I just stand in front of him and interrupt his walk, pretending that everything is normal but for some reason I know than I am acting strange. I can't be a good actress, I am shit at it. He seems annoyed and, to be honest, I would be annoyed at myself too. I am acting –or whatever I appear to be doing– like a stupid girl lately and it’s all because of this guy.

  "How did you get here?” I ask quickly the first thing that comes up to my mind.

  "It's my house, Cal," he answers hesitantly.

  "Yeah, stupid, I know," I laugh nervously "I mean how did you get here from college," and I am actually hating myself because it’s pretty obvious that I already know the answer. Roth always comes and goes to college in the same fucking way.

  "Bus, Cal. Can I get into my room now?" He inquires with a tone of fatigue, rolling his eyes. He knows that I am hiding something, which in fact I am, but at the same time I am not; Theodore is the one who is hiding from him and I truly don’t know what to do.

  Lately I don’t know lots of stuff but I keep doing them anyways, God knows why.

  "Uh, yeah. But Theo is inside and—"

  "Oh my God, I absolutely forgot about it,” Roth interrupts me. I hate the way he refers to Theo like a thing and not like the real person he is.

  "Well, I kind of forgot about your existence too,” I tell him sarcastically. Hours passed really quickly with Theodore and I absolutely forgot about Roth and the fact that we were at his house, in his room, on his bed.

  "HA. Funny," he says pulling a weird face.