Till We Rise

by Camila Cher Harmath

  As always, I get to the Main Building and walk to my respective class. I sit down and figure out that Roth is seating on another seat, not the one he should be in; right behind me.

  Everyone is screaming and laughing and smiling and I’m the only one that’s seating on her seat and doing anything else. I am lame, to be honest.

  Ms. Greene steps into the classroom and I realize its debate class. God, no. I also realize that it’s Tuesday today and I don’t give a fuck about that fact.

  As always, she picks two students –thanks to the Lord I am not one of them– and they start the debate –I don’t know what is about and I don’t really care. I just stare at the ceiling and wait for the minutes to pass and the class to end.

  It does, it always ends. You just have to wait until it’s over. And that moment of waiting is the most annoying one; you don’t know what to do to make time pass faster, you just stand there, doing nothing.

  The bell rings and I get up immediately, like everyone else. This class is so stupid for everyone else who’s not debating –over thirty people approximately– and the ones who are for sure want to kill themselves. Honestly, if some day I get called by Ms. Greene I prefer to start running.

  I start walking along the corridor, looking for Theodore but I feel that I am not going to find him today. Perhaps he is too tired and didn’t come to college today, who knows.

  There are some colorful papers on the walls, they really call my attention. I approach the nearest I can manage to see and start reading:

  “Biggest Party Ever

  Next Tuesday 27th

  156 Ellingwood St”

  It’s today! I have no friends but I will go anyways. It’s near home too and that’s cool, I can go walking, really. The thing is I don’t actually have clothes to go to the party, as I don’t have a lot of them I always use the same kind of clothes because I don’t know what else to use.

  I keep walking and I finally see Roth far away. I kind of start running like a total dork but I need to talk to him, no matter what kind of argument we had last night. I said I didn’t want to talk with him but I think I changed my mind.

  “Roth,” I say while running, “Roth,” I repeat.

  He turns his gaze and stares at me as if I am totally out of my mind and I am doing something completely crazy.

  “What?” I ask.

  “Nothing,” he says giggling.

  I am breathless; I am definitely not physically fit to run for about twenty seconds.

  “Listen,” I say between breathes.

  “Yeah?”

  “Are you going to this party tonight?”

  “Are you?” he says kind of impressed and sarcastic at the same time.

  It’s not that I’ve never been to parties, come on. I am not that of a party person but I know how to party and the last three parties I went to were with Roth so…

  “Yes, I am, Roth,” I try to sound a little bit serious but I fail.

  “It’s going to be interesting, then,” he says, “See you there”

  “Uh, okay?”

  He turns around and leaves. I was going to tell him if he wanted me to give him a ride to the party but it seems that he has other plans. Anyway, I wanted to go walking.

  I have another class I don’t want to have, and I am about to skip it but lately I skipped lots of them so I am not taking advantage of my disinterest in college again. So I just walk where I have to reluctantly and sit where I always do.

  • • •

  I get up from my daily nap and take a quick shower. I haven’t had something to eat yet because I am not even hungry and I am not that bored to eat, although my energy is bad I still don’t want to.

  It’s almost eleven o’clock –I overslept– and I have to get prepared for this party I will attend today. The thing is I love fashion but I don’t have enough money to buy the clothes I like so I can’t dress correctly, I have to try hard with the ones that I have. Like, I swear I have an amazing taste in clothes but I can’t show it properly because I can’t buy the things I would like to wear.

  I start looking for something. Let’s take into account that today is a cold and kind of windy day and I don’t want to get flu or something of the sort.

  I look for a pair of denims –I am obsessed with them– and I am between two of them. I finally choose the mid-rise distressed jeans; I’m going to wear them with a black crew neck knit top and, of course, with my Dr. Martens. Those shoes follow me everywhere. I can’t live without them, literally.

  I get dressed and go directly to the bathroom to get my make-up done and to comb my hair and all that girly stuff that I have to do whenever I get out of my house.

  The weather is not that bad after all, so I am definitely going to go walking because it’s less than five blocks away. Besides, there is probably going to be cars everywhere and I won’t have a place to park mine so it’s a problem less.

  We usually get to parties at ten o’clock or so, but this time I am going later because (a) my nap was longer than I expected and (b) I don’t want to be by myself all the time waiting for someone to show but (c) I will not be waiting for anybody, anyway.

  I walk down the stairs and I almost pass out. I go to the kitchen to have a cold glass of water because I am going to die in this instant moment.

  I am not that interested in going to the party but I need to set my mind in other things. I plan on drinking just a little bit –now that I’ve drunk something for the first time with Theodore– and nothing else.

  I take a look at myself in the mirror for the last time and then leave, placing the keys under the carpet that’s outside my house. I know it’s not that secure to leave them there and it’s totally out of my mind but I don’t care, yesterday I left the door literally open and nothing happened.

  The night is nice-looking and I have a good feeling about this one. I am so near the party that I am able to hear the music that comes from it and the people that is getting there is so loud that I hear them too.

  I am kind of shy and now I am a lot more because I am by myself, I want to get there and find Roth immediately, but I know that he won’t give me his attention because of the argument and stuff. Besides, today in college he was so weird with me, we were talking and he kind of wanted to go to another place… I don’t want to eat you, my friend, keep calm.

  I get to 156 Ellingwood Street and automatically step into the house, the music is loud, the people is crazy, there is alcohol everywhere, people smoking weird shit, among others.

  When I step inside I realize that no one bothered to look at me because I am another random person. I don’t know if this is good or bad because (1) they aren’t looking at me because they don’t care about me or, (2) they aren’t looking because I am kind of invisible or, (3) they aren’t looking because nobody knows who I am or finally, (4) they are living their lives and no one cares about nobody else but themselves.

  It’s probably a mix between the four of my points; they don’t care about nobody but I am nobody so they don’t care about me. I need to stop over thinking, as always.

  The music is pumping in my ears and I love it, I feel the adrenaline passing through my veins. The people is completely out of their minds, they are shouting, dancing, moving from side to side, running upstairs and laughing really hard.

  There are some faces I’ve already seen at college, such as Lisa –I hate her–, Sam, Peter and Kate. We share some classes and I know them because they have participated several times and the professor called their names and I am a very reminiscent person and I remember their faces and their names.

  “Hey you” Kate yells, “Calypso, isn’t it?” she says again at me. I can’t believe that she knows who I am.

  “Yeah,” I say smiling. I completely changed my posture, I mean, the way I was standing; I was very cramped before and I am now relieved.

  “Do you want something to drink, huh?” she asks with a mysterious tone of voice. Kate is standing at a corner of the house with some bott
les; she seems that she is offering drinks to whoever passes by.

  “Sure,” I answer, “Why not?”

  She grabs a bottle of vodka and pours it into a red plastic glass; she grabs another bottle of something I don’t know what is and tips it out again.

  “There you go,” she says while handing the glass to me.

  “Thanks,” I say shyly.

  “See ya,” she winks at me.

  I take a sip and it’s extremely disgusting, but I am going to drink it nevertheless because I don’t feel like being sober anymore. I want to have fun and make some friends if it’s possible.

  I start dancing in the middle of the place; some boy grabs me from behind and starts dancing with me. We dance together the whole song and I kind of enjoy it. I turn around to look at his face, he is really hot. He has hazel eyes and blond hair. I want to talk to him but I can’t, I remember about someone. Theodore.

  “Hey,” he says. He starts the conversation; I am not the one who started it so I am not responsible about it.

  “What’s your name?” he adds while approaching me. I make a step back because I don’t want him to get near me. I was wrong, I don’t like him anymore.

  “Uh, Calypso,” I answer.

  “Nick,” he says while smiling. We are both dancing, “Nice to meet you,” he adds.

  Suddenly, I see Roth –my salvation– walking down the stairs and I want to get out of this conversation that has just started.

  “Sorry, uh, I need to go,” I say and instantly walk to where Roth is.

  He is extremely handsome, honestly. He is wearing a blue paneled thermal Henley and dark skinny jeans. He seems drunk because of the way in which he is walking, moving from side to side, his eyes are kind of lost.

  “Looking good,” I say while standing in front of him.

  “Oh, hey, what’s up, Cal?” he says. He is definitely drunk considering the way in which he reacted. I mean, he was supposed to be mad at me but everything seems to be extremely okay.

  “Hey, dude,” I yell. The music is too loud.

  Suddenly, the world starts spinning around, my thoughts are incoherent and I kind of stagger really badly on the stairs.

  “Woah. Easy,” he says, “CALYPSO VON STEEMBERG DRUNK?” he laughs and I laugh too.

  “I’m not drunk, I swear,” I raise my hand and slap his cheek softly. We both laugh about it.

  “Yeah, sure,” he says sarcastically.

  The truth is that I am drunk but I am feeling happy, for the first time in these days. I just want to drink a lot more and get even happier and have lots of friend.

  I stumble and fall on the floor. I’m okay because it doesn’t hurt. Roth comes and helps me stand on my feet. I am still dizzy but I don’t even realize.

  “Thanks, my friend,” I say and give him a big friendly hug.

  I start walking to go outside to the garden because the party is everywhere; upstairs, downstairs, outside, everywhere.

  “Cal, Cal. Be careful,” Roth says. It seems that he followed me to the garden. I don’t understand a thing.

  “With what?” I say inquisitive.

  “With yourself, you’re pretty drunk,” he answers.

  I don’t know what he is talking about.

  “What do you mean?” I tell him displeased.

  “I mean that you have to take care of yourself,” he answers slowly, word by word.

  “OH MY GOD YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.”

  “Calypso, calm down.”

  “I don’t have to calm down, you’re not my mother.” I breathe.

  “I’m not,” he speaks, “but I am your friend and I want to take care of you.”

  I hate it when he does those things. We were having a great time together and now he starts an argument –which is invalid– and he also starts treating me like if I were a total freak and I have serious issues and stuff.

  I know that I do have issues but he doesn’t have to talk to me in that way, because it hurts, it really hurts. My only friend makes me feel like shit and all I can do is pretend to be okay.

  “I hate you,” I start crying. He makes me feel bad.

  Roth places his hands on the nape of his neck as if he is pissed off. He turns around and sighs. I start walking to another place because I don’t want to see him anymore.

  “Calypso,”

  “What do you want, Roth?” I turn around and stare directly at him.

  “Stay here.”

  “Why?” I don’t want to. I just want to have fun.

  “Because you are extremely drunk,” he states. I am not that drunk. I think.

  “I don’t wanna be with you,” I speak.

  “Okay, give me your phone then,” he approaches his hand near me and opens it as if I have to give him something.

  “What are you going to do?” I ask curiously.

  “JUST GIVE ME YOUR PHONE,” Roth yells at me, he scares me sometimes.

  “FINE,” I yell him back, I love when I do that. I place my phone in his hand.

  “Stay here, okay?”

  CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

  I am not where Roth told me to stay because I was extremely bored standing there by myself, so I went to find something more interesting to do.

  I dance with some people and have some fun while I wait for Roth to come back with my effing phone. I don’t even know what he was going to do with it but he seemed so serious I gave it to him.

  Lots of minutes pass and I am still alone, I hate the fact that I am always by myself and I can’t socialize with other people. Maybe I have kind of a trauma.

  I am seating on the floor. I have no idea how I got here but I am comfortable. I laugh about everything and take a sip of every drink I find. Yes, I steal drinks from the ones who are already drunk.

  I just wanna go home and sleep, I feel exhausted but happy at the same time. I want to laugh and cry at the same time, my life is so miserable I wish that I was dead, nobody would notice if I were gone, though.

  Suddenly, someone grabs my arms from behind and make me stand up. I know that smell.

  “There you go,” he says while I try to keep still.

  Theodore.

  “Here’s her phone, take care of her, man,” Roth tells him and pats him on the back, as if he was really his friend.

  “I will.” I look at him embarrassed. I can’t believe he is here.

  Theo seems disappointed, he is older than me and of course he is old enough to have this stupid situation where a girl gets extremely drunk and somebody has to take her home, which is probably what is going to happen. Anyway, this has already happened between us so maybe it is not that bad…

  “Let’s go,” he says with a tone of voice I’ve never heard. I don’t know if it is bad or good.

  We start walking and I realize that I can’t do it properly. I can’t walk on my own terms, I am weak, I am stupid at this moment and I don’t feel like a human being. I don’t feel my body anymore.

  “Oh God, Cal. What did you drink?” Theo says moving his face side to side and then he grabs me and raises me like a baby. Maybe it is not a good idea because I am about to throw up everything, but this is definitely better than walking –or at least trying to– by myself.

  I am speechless; I’d have never thought Roth would ask for my phone to call him. Does that means that I am really drunk and I can’t even move? Yes. The best part is that I feel great, I feel extremely nice and everything is funny and I love life sometimes.

  “Excuse me,” he says while trying to pass by the people that are dancing to get out of the house. I know that now everyone is probably looking at me because I am extremely disgusting, not like at the beginning of the party when no one knew who I was.

  When we reach to the house’s door he asks somebody to open the door for him because he has both of his hands occupied –with me.

  “Do you want to try to walk now?” he asks looking directly at me. His dark eyes are the most beautiful than they’ll ever be, honestly, they look like two perfec
t circles and the fact that they are staring at me makes everything even more perfect.

  “I’m fine,” I say placing my head on his chest.

  “Ha, I know,” he says giggling. “Honestly, what did you drink, Cal?”

  “Vodka and other stuff, Theo. What’s the matter with that?” My voice is definitely not my voice.

  “I’m a bad influence for you.”

  “I know, but I like you” I admit. He’s probably saying that he is a bad influence because he made me drink for the first time when we were at Ramsgate.

  “I like you too,” he says.

  “You know, I was all over you when we first met,” I start speaking and then I add, “I think I might be in love with you.”

  I can’t believe what I’ve just said, but come on, I’m drunk and nothing is wrong about it. I can say whatever I want and tomorrow everything is going to be the same as yesterday.

  “You’re drunk, Cal.”

  “Ugh, you don’t understand”

  “What?”

  “That you are the first boy that makes me feel this way,” I just speak; I have no idea what I am doing.

  “What way?” he’s kind of taking advantage of my situation.

  “Alive,” I yell. I need to shout that I love this person, but not when I am drunk. I know I am not sober but I have my limits. I can’t ruin everything by telling him that I love him because that is completely out of my mind.

  He laughs tenderly and I take a look at him, staring at his mouth and at every single faction on his face. He’s so beautiful. Let’s remember that I am being carried like a baby, I’m on his arms, and I am not walking because I can’t manage to do it.

  “You’re beautiful when you laugh,” I say.

  “You’re beautiful every time,” he speaks, and every time he does, I fall in love even harder.

  “Don’t lie to me, Theodore,” I giggle.

  “I’ve never lied to you, why would I?”

  “To make me feel better”

  “I wouldn’t make you feel better by lying to you, Cal,” he says in a nice tone of voice.

  “So, what would you do?” I ask curiously. Not that I really want to know, I am just curious. Ha. I want to know, obviously.