Till We Rise

by Camila Cher Harmath

  “I’d kiss you every time I see you, I’d make love to you, I’d just remember you how beautiful you are and I’d-“

  “You’re so romantic, Theo,” I interrupt him, laughing.

  “Don’t laugh at me, Calypso,” he adds pretty pissed off.

  “I’m not, you’re just so sweet,” I say.

  I rest my head on one of his shoulders and close my eyes, I am too tired and dizzy I can’t even think anymore. The only thing I can hear is Theo’s steps and his breathing. I feel kind of sleepy; I think that I am falling asleep.

  “Cal,” I hear his voice again, “We’re here,” he adds.

  I make weird noises because I am comfortable in his arm and I don’t want to get down. I grab his neck, embrace him pretty hard and laugh about it.

  “I don’t wanna go,” I say like a little child.

  “Come on, I’ll stay with you” Theo says. “Where’s your key?”

  “Hum, the carpet,” I barely remember where it is.

  “I need to get you down.”

  Theodore does what he says and puts me on the floor, obviously I am on my feet. I can manage to maintain the balance but not for so long.

  He moves the little green carpet that is on the floor and finds a tiny key, and then he gets up and opens the door.

  “Are you okay?” he inquires staring directly at my eyes.

  “Kind of,” I answer touching my forehead, which is hurting like a bitch.

  “Let’s get you something to eat,” he says.

  I didn’t remember how hungry I was. I didn’t eat for a day or longer, that’s why I am feeling dizzier than I should. I am not taking advantage of my lack of food because I am totally aware that I had an enormous amount of alcohol which I am not used to.

  Alcohol is horrible, to be honest. I don’t really like it; I just drink without thinking about it. I like the way it makes me feel afterwards; crazy, happy and invincible.

  We step into the house and he walks directly to the kitchen, I have no idea how he knows that well my house. Maybe yesterday when I was asleep he investigated it, who knows.

  I follow him and realize that I can walk now; I am less dizzy than I was before. Maybe because I am at home and I know that I am safe here.

  “What do you want? I’m a good cook,” he says glad of himself.

  “Is there something you’re bad at?”

  “Golf. I suck at it.” We laugh together.

  I imagine Theodore playing golf and it is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever thought about. I am laughing more than I should.

  “Okay, stop it,” he exclaims while opening the fridge, which is completely empty, the only things you can find in are some eggs and a few vegetables. I am not into salty things, I like sweet better.

  “Cal, you’ve nothing in here.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you want me to go buy something?” he asks. He is so sweet, that’s why I like him so much.

  “How?” I ask, “How did you get to the party?”

  “A cab,” he answers.

  “Oh, my God, you’re so cute” I say while I approach him.

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know, you just are,” I grab his face and give him a nice little peck. I missed his lips.

  He grabs my waist and pulls me near him, then he kisses me like he always does; grabbing my face with both of his hands.

  “Mmmm,” I say between kisses, he is an extremely amazing kisser, I would never get used to it.

  “Cal,” he says while tearing our faces apart. He caresses my right cheek and stares directly into my eyes.

  “What?” I ask.

  “Seriously, you have to eat something cause if you don’t, tomorrow is going to be a really bad day for you,” he states seriously.

  I really love how much he cares about me; he went to the party IN A CAB just to fetch me, but I don’t care about eating now, I want to kiss him and be with him and I can’t because I am drunk as hell and everything is so unfair and I am stupid.

  “Ugh, Theo”

  “Don’t get mad at me,” he pulls a nice face. I can’t get mad at him with those eyes and smile. I can’t even try to because it’s against my morals to get mad at someone extremely gorgeous as Theodore is. God, I am so weak when I am near him.

  “I have some cookies in the cupboard,” I point at the place where the cookies should be.

  “Great,” he speaks while searching for them. The cupboard is empty as the fridge. I don’t know how my mom managed to leave me without any food to live just for a few more days.

  Theo grabs the cookies and hands them to me; I grab them reluctantly and say “Thanks,” to him.

  “Let’s go upstairs,” I say and grab his hand with my empty one. I try to walk normally but it’s impossible, although I can walk, it’s not the same walk I normally do.

  “Feeling better?” he asks as he sits on my bed.

  “Kind of,” I say.

  I take out my shoes and then my jeans. I don’t care if he is watching, I am in my room and I can do whatever I want to. I’m going to change my clothes because they have a hideous smell and I want to be more comfortable.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, Theodore,” I turn around to look at him, “Thanks for asking, though,” I place my dirty clothes inside my closet and grab a pair of pajamas.

  “My pleasure,” he says amazed. I can’t distinguish if it is because I have just changed my clothes in front of him or what.

  “I’m so sleepy,” I say while I grab a cookie and then go directly to the bed, lying down.

  “Go to sleep, then.”

  “No,” I stare at him.

  “Why?” he asks confused.

  “Because you’re gonna disappear.”

  “I thought you wanted to be alone”

  “Why would I?”

  “Because of what happened,” he says pretty convinced he is saying the right thing to say. I have no idea what he is talking about, I mean, I do have an idea but I don’t really believe it’s the same thing I am thinking about.

  “What happened, Theo? What are you talking about?” I ask confused and altered.

  “We both know,” he answers very quiet, placing my messy hair kindly behind my left ear.

  “What do you know?” I ask again.

  “Don’t make me this, Calypso,” he sighs and seems frustrated, like annoyed by my presence.

  “HOW DO YOU KNOW, THEODORE?” I yell at him while trying to stand correctly on my feet.

  “I just do.”

  “What did you do?” My eyes start filling with water, I am so sensitive. I can’t control my emotions and lately I have a big tendency to cry. To cry a lot.

  “I read the thing,” Theo says while getting up from bed and getting near me, “I was curious and I-“

  “What thing?” I speak cautiously.

  “The letter,” he answers.

  “You’re sick” I interrupt him, “Why did you do that? Why did you do that to me?” I say shouting at him, again.

  “Calyps-“

  “Don’t talk to me.” I can’t believe it, I start walking towards the door.

  “But please, I want to help you,” he approaches me and grabs my waist. I take his hand off of me because I can’t believe what he has done.

  “Help me with what? I AM PERFECTLY FINE.”

  “With your father,” he says.

  “Don’t. Even. Say. That.”

  “You can’t deny it forever.”

  “You’re disgusting.” I continue my walk downstairs and I can feel that he is just behind me, I want to keep yelling at him how confused and sick he is.

  I start kicking and punching the walls and I am hurting myself but I don’t give a fuck. I deserve this feeling, I deserve to suffer. I deserve to make myself hurt and the fact that I am alcoholized makes everything easier for me.

  “Cal, Cal, please don’t do that,” he says while embracing me in every way possible.

  “I hate everyone
,” I scream.

  “Stop it, please,” he whispers in my ear.

  “I hate you,” I say facing the wall.

  “Hey, easy, easy,” he grabs my hair and puts it behind my ear. I can hear him crying.

  “I’m lame,” I breathe as I cry, “I’m stupid,” I speak again, “I want to die,”

  “I love you.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

  I wake up and Theo is by my side, we are cuddling and I find it quite romantic. I have the most horrible hangover I have ever had –of course, because I have only drunk twice in my entire life.

  I can’t remember a thing; I have no idea why I am lying in bed with him. The last thing I can manage to remember is when Kate offered me something to drink and then I had an argument with Roth, as always.

  I want to sneak into the bathroom because I have a horrible breath and I want to brush my teeth. When I get up I realize that my world is turning around. I am never going to drink again. I promise.

  “Oh, Calypso,” I say to myself as I take a look in the mirror. I am looking like hell, my hair is messed up and my make-up is all over my face, even in my cheeks.

  I wash my face, brush my teeth and comb my hair. I am normal now; at least I am not looking like a monster anymore.

  As I walk back to my room, I try to make the less noise I can to try not to wake up Theodore. I reach the door and open it, of course it makes that extremely noisy and annoying sound doors usually do and unfortunately, I wake him up.

  “Shit,” I whisper.

  “Hey,” he says smiling at me.

  “Hello, love,” I say pretty happy. I like when we wake up together in the same bed. Except this time I am standing at the door, but he is in my bed so it’s the same, really.

  “Come here,” he speaks while making a gesture for me to go where he is.

  I walk directly to the bed and lie on top of him. We both hug each other in a cheesy way but it feels nice, to be honest. I stay above him silent for about twenty minutes straight.

  “How are you feeling?” he says while caressing my back and kissing my forehead.

  “Bad,” I admit, “I can’t remember how we got here,” I say frustrated.

  “Do you wanna know?” he asks in a nice way.

  “Sure.”

  “Roth called me because you were too drunk to walk on your own terms,” he starts speaking, “I called a cab to go straight where you were.”

  “A cab, really? You’re so cute,” I interrupt him

  “You told me the same thing yesterday, Cal,” he laughs.

  “Really?” I ask, “Okay, continue.”

  “Nothing else, really. I went to fetch you and I took you home by foot.”

  “That’s it?” I ask again.

  “Yep,” he answers.

  “Nothing interesting happened?”

  “Not really,” he speaks, “You need to eat something, Cal. You have barely eaten these days,” Theo tries to change subject fast and I pretend that I don’t realize. I don’t want to fight and if we did fight yesterday, I don’t care because I was drunk.

  “I am not hungry.”

  “But you are so pale and-“

  “I am not hungry,” I interrupt him.

  “Calypso. Don’t make me angry,” he says.

  “Theodore. Don’t make me angry,” I repeat.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he says while giving me a peck, “but you need to eat.”

  “You have ruined everything,” I giggle and give him another kiss.

  The little kiss ends in a make out session and the bed ends in a big mess. I love when we kiss like we’ve never kissed before. It’s like the first time I saw him or the first time we talked in the bathroom.

  “Seriously, I am hungry,” he says tearing our faces apart.

  “You have to control your hunger,” I say laughing. It can’t be possible that he is hungry 24/7.

  “Let’s go,” he gets out of the bed and starts walking to the door. I do the same, obviously, and follow him downstairs.

  He has already started making some omelet for him to eat. I don’t like it so I just take a look at him and how utterly nice he looks while cooking.

  For the first time, the house seems quiet but disorganized; everything looks so messy and strange. I take a look at everything, the ceiling, the floor, the walls… Wait. Why are they dirty as if they were covered with blood?

  I approach the living room’s wall and take a look at them clearly; maybe this is the place where she died.

  While I am staring at them I see my hands, the knuckles are full of blood too and they hurt me, I hadn’t realized this whole time but they are hurting like hell. I don’t understand what’s happening. Am I going crazy? I don’t remember anything.

  I start running to the bathroom to wash my hands that are kind of bloody. I don’t know how I didn’t realize when I went to the bathroom earlier that I had blood on them. I feel nervous and I need to rush and clean them as fast as I can. I don’t want Theodore to see them.

  “Everything’s fine?” he yells from the kitchen. I can barely hear him.

  “Yeah,” I yell back, trying to sound convincing.

  When I finally get out of the bathroom I freak out because Theo is standing right in front of me, I didn’t see that coming.

  “What are you hiding?” he asks looking above my shoulders.

  “Nothing,” I say innocently. I realize I am grabbing my hands behind my body and that makes even more obvious that I have something strange with them –at least that’s what I think– so I instantly grab his face and give him a peck and he answers with one nice kiss.

  “I was kidding,” he giggles between kisses.

  Our relationship is being extremely cheesy lately and I like it and dislike it at the same time. I like it because it’s me who is experiencing it and it feels nice, but I dislike it –a lot– when I see other people kissing and being absolutely disgusting. So basically, that is why I hate cheesy couples but I don’t hate being cheesy myself.

  He is now eating his hideous omelet and I am just looking at him and I can’t believe how magnificent he looks while eating something as horrible as that.

  “Is that okay?” I say with a disgusted look.

  “Amazing,” he answers with his mouth full of food. Fact: He is still extremely handsome.

  “Are we going to college today?” I ask.

  “Love, it’s twelve in the morning,” he answers kind of laughing about the stupid thing I have just said.

  “Right.”

  • • •

  I felt like being lonely for a couple of hours so I took Theodore to the campus a few minutes ago.

  I want to do something productive, such as writing something or watching a sad and depressing movie but I don’t want to get my laptop because I am going to do things I will regret afterwards.

  I have this strange feeling again, like if everything is somehow bad and I can sense it. It’s not because of my hideous hangover, of course, it’s because of something else I haven’t been able to figure it out yet. I have to admit that Theodore is making things weird lately; I don’t know how to explain it.

  Not that I don’t make things odd, you know. Since that happened I have been trying to be a person I am not, or maybe this is the person I have always been but never realized.

  I’ve made a choice and I need to stick to it. Not like every other thing I have tried to do but never completed. I mean, it was nice and I have to admit it still is, but I don’t want to suffer anymore.

  I can’t keep pretending that everything is making me feel better, because it honestly doesn’t. It’s like living depending on someone; you are happy when you are with that person but when you are not, you feel completely devastated.

  This is not a way of living anymore. On one hand, I can’t stand living by myself, I can’t stand loneliness, and on the other hand, I can’t be all the time with someone else. I know there’s always a middle point when you can balance both of them, but imagine th
ere’s no in-between, because that’s my life, there are never middle points, never in-betweens and never satisfaction. This happens because I don’t let myself do it, I mean, feeling satisfied. If I did I would eat the world in just one bite, metaphorically speaking.

  Whatever, I am going to fetch some white paint because I need to clean up the mess downstairs. I start looking for it but I have no idea where to find it; the fact that I start looking for some paint in the bathroom makes me realize that I am kind of desperate.

  The kitchen, the bathroom, the basement, the white paint. The bathroom, the basement, the kitchen. My breath, my sigh, the white paint. The bathroom, the kitchen, the basement. I cry, I can’t find the white paint, I get extremely mad, I touch my hair, I cry, I sigh, the white paint..

  I am getting extremely crazy; I am making a big problem out of something that isn’t that problematic such as paint and blood on the living room walls.

  I don’t have paint, I don’t have a paint brush either but I have blood. I see blood everywhere. I see my mom, I see blood, I scream. I need to calm down, there’s nobody in here, just myself and blood. I am crazy, I can’t stand this anymore.

  I am standing by myself in front of the wall full of blood. I sigh, I dry my tears, I close my eyes, I take a look at my feet, I stare at the wall, the blood stain is not as big as I imagined, I calm down, my breathing slows down too. I take a look at the mirror and see I’m a mess; my face is full of water and tears.

  I can’t concentrate.

  CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

  I immediately get up from the floor; I don’t know how I got here, maybe I passed out or something like that.

  It’s almost midnight –I’ve been on the floor literally for about nine hours– and I am the hungriest person I’ve ever been, so I start walking directly to the kitchen.

  As I stare at the fridge I think of what I feel like eating and when I open the door, I realize there is nothing inside of it. I can’t believe it; I want to cry while crawling on the floor.

  I don’t want to drive somewhere to buy some junk food, although I would like to eat some. However, I am neither mental nor emotionally prepared to drive right now, so I just walk to the living room, sit on the couch and stare at the ceiling. I close my eyes from time to time, falling asleep till the sun rises.