Till We Rise

by Camila Cher Harmath

  I don’t even have to explain what I do before going to college, so I am going to skip that part because I always do the same fucking thing.

  I have to admit that this morning something is different; my breakfast is not over the table, which means that someone is missing. I get a little bit sad about this but I have promised myself that I don’t have to feel sad anymore, just because I say it; that’s why I keep walking as if anything has happened.

  It’s cold outside so I grab my leather jacket, obviously, and step outside the house. I walk down the staircase and open my car’s door.

  I turn on the radio, whishing some interesting –and not sad– song is playing. I need to hear some happiness, something fun, not dull and dark as my life.

  I barely feel my hands and my feet. It’s dangerous for me to drive the way I am feeling at the moment; cold and fragile.

  I finally get to college and park somewhere, despite not even bothering to look where it is, and rapidly get out of the car, sighing and kind of crying.

  In the time I make a quick run to the Main Building I see him, and the more steps I take the nearer I am from him. I can't feel relaxed because I know that nothing is going to end right, I just know it. I don’t want to look at him, to those beautiful dark eyes I dig in so much, because if I do, I know I will fall in love again and I don't want to keep suffering.

  The moment I am in front of him I can't do anything else but stare at the floor. I can't look at him, please, Calypso don't make me. I feel his presence, I feel his breath, and as soon as I do, I speak.

  "I need to talk to you."

  "Hello, right?" he giggles.

  The worst part is that he thinks that everything is going to be alright or that we are cool right now and that scares the hell out of me because I don't know what is happening with me and the whole situation either. I sigh.

  "I can't," I say trembling.

  "What? Are you okay? You're so pale and fragile and you—"

  "Please stop," I interrupt him, finally looking at his eyes, which makes me feel bad, really bad, because I like them and I don't want to like them. I look away, timidly grabbing the sleeves of my sweater.

  I look at him again, his puppy face at its worst. I can't make me feel this way, it’s like threatening myself with something I know is going to hurt as hell, so I just look away. I know I am stronger than this. I know I can do it.

  "See you at yours at two?" he asks after all the period of staring at each other.

  “No,” I speak immediately, “at your place.”

  “Room 305,” he says while the bell rings and the fact that I am happy about it makes me feel strange.

  He approaches me and I step back instantly. He was about to kiss me and I fucking stepped back.

  “You have to go to class,” I say.

  “Yes, I know,” Theodore says, “You too.”

  “Yeah, bye,” I turn around and start walking towards another direction; to my class.

  I can’t believe what I have just done; I treated him like if we were strangers. They say that sometimes lovers turn into strangers, because there is so much to know about each other that they never end up being actual lovers, but I think that if we knew a person that much we would just get tired of him or her.

  I know that there are so many reasons why I am doing this, but one of them is that I don’t want him to get tired of me because that will break my heart into pieces. I am so selfish I am not thinking about him, about his heart being broken by me.

  Before getting in class, I push every single person I have in front of me, I don’t care about anything anymore. They stare at me as if I were crazy and out of my mind but as I said before, I don’t care.

  I step into the classroom and don’t even bother to take my seat; I just sit on the first place I see, which is the furthest from the professor I could find.

  I don’t give a shit about what the professor is starting to say and I just stare at the ceiling, waiting for the time to pass as fast as it can. Some students chat, others are paying attention and some are just doing nothing, like me.

  Another class I am not paying attention to. I don’t even look at the professor. My college day is almost over and I don’t know what subjects I had today, and you know what? I think I have more serious issues to take care of at the moment, instead of worrying about college.

  I grab my phone and check the time and it’s almost time to go. I realize that if I want to, I can grab my stuff and walk away because this is not school anymore and we don’t have the same rules we had when we were little kids. So I just do so; grab my black leather backpack and walk away.

  I walk fast through the corridor towards the parking lot, feeling extremely scared. I sigh and breathe as hard as I can because there’s no such thing like air entering my lungs when I am completely nervous.

  It appears to be raining so I take a quick run to the car, which is completely the same as if I walked because I am getting extremely soaked; it’s pointless in any way.

  “Please calm down,” I murmur to myself when I finally get into my car. I hate saying this, but lately I have spent all my time inside this effing car.

  I breathe a few times and get even more nervous, I can’t stop trembling, my knees are the shakiest they have ever been and I have reached to the conclusion that I can’t drive this way, though I have to because it’s almost two o’clock.

  “Come on, don’t be pathetic,” I add minutes later and immediately turn on the engine, get out of the parking lot and start my way to the campus.

  During the time I listen to the radio, I don’t know which song is playing but it sounds good to me, although it is kind of odd, I have to admit it is the best song I have heard for ages.

  As I am driving I practice how I am going to say hello. I repeat the words “Hey”, “What’s up?” and “Hi” for about twenty times while staring at myself in the rearview mirror, which is not as big as I wish it was, though.

  I finally get there, I can feel the adrenaline in my veins, I can sense how terrified I am and how much more I am going to be later on.

  He is not waiting for me and I don’t see him either, which is why I step out from the car and just wait. It is actually freezing so I cross my arms to keep me warm.

  Minutes later he appears getting off the bus while looking to the floor, kind of hopeless. It makes me feel bad, to be honest. I don’t like that face because it makes me feel really guilty.

  Theodore sees me and pulls a forced smile, which is completely noticeable and makes me feel even worse than I was before.

  “Hi,” I say when he gets closer to me. It is not like the “hi” I had practiced in my car, it is another one; a drearier one.

  “Hey,” he answers and notices that I am pretty cold. He hands me his jacket while saying, “There you go.”

  “Thanks,” I stare at him, kind of speechless. His polite attitude makes me want to punch me in the middle of the face because of the stupid decisions I’ve made.

  “Let’s go,” he says while grabbing my hand. I kind of freak out a little bit.

  The campus is extremely big, I can’t believe how awesome it is, and it is literally like it is shown in the movies. Everyone is laughing and chatting, the rooms are like small parties and they seem to be enjoying themselves. I wish I could go to campus but on another state or country because being in Boston and living so near college makes everything easier to me and stuff.

  Although the walk to Theodore’s room is extremely awkward and weird while holding hands, I try to focus on other things, such as how cool and metallic the elevator looks like or how extremely tidy and clean the floors are.

  Room 314.

  Room 309.

  Room 307.

  We finally reach to his room, he opens the door and immediately steps into it. I do the same as his and he closes the door afterwards, he pushes me against it and starts kissing me the toughest he has ever kissed me.

  I can barely breathe; I can’t think correctly, I am conce
ntrated on how our tongues are playing together and how strong he is grabbing my waist.

  Theo stares at me and kisses me again, I am breathless. I hate this, this is not supposed to happen.

  “No. I can’t,” I finally say when he starts kissing my neck, which I love and always will. It is my weakness.

  “Why?” he caresses my cheek tenderly, “Tell me what’s wrong, love,” Theo adds. I kind of realize how lovely he looks like when he is just inches away from my face.

  “Nothing is wrong, that’s why,” I admit, pushing him away.

  “I don’t get it,” he says placing both his hands on the nape of his neck.

  “I don’t get it either, I just know that it is the right thing to do,” I try to speak as calm as I can so he can process every single word that comes out from my mouth.

  “What do you mean, Cal?” he asks confused.

  “This is so wrong,” I answer joyless and then add, “I hate saying this but it’s the truth.”

  He approaches me and starts kissing me again, grabbing me by the neck. This time is another type of kiss but I can’t explain it.

  “Theodore, don’t,” I speak between kisses.

  “What’s wrong? Please tell me,” he yells and his voice sounds unhappy, which hurts every single part of me.

  “I hate being in love with you, that’s why I am letting you go.”

  “Why, Calypso?” he asks confused, again.

  “Because I don’t want to suffer any longer.”

  “What did I do?” Theo’s voice starts shaking.

  “Nothing, Theodore, you did nothing.”

  “I still don’t get it,” his eyes are puffy and watery. I can’t look at him, I can’t do this while looking at him.

  “The thing is...” I try to look away, “I’m terrified of loosing you and I can’t live thinking about the possibility of you leaving me.”

  “I won’t leave you,” he sits on his bed, placing his arms over his knees and his head on his hands.

  “You will, eventually.”

  “What makes you think that I am gonna leave you?”

  “I just do,” I speak.

  “You are lying,” he raises his voice and makes me jump a little bit. Later on he adds, “What’s the matter with you?”

  “I don’t want to have my heart broken,” I admit.

  “And that’s why you are breaking mine?” he cries.

  “I am not.”

  “Yes, you are, Calypso.”

  “I am not.”

  “YES.”

  “Don’t fucking yell at me,” I speak kind of furious.

  “Don’t leave me,” he quickly gets up from bed and adds, “You fucking promised.”

  “I can’t stand this,” I start walking to the door, I am about to open it but I can’t. I just can’t leave him but I know it is the right thing to do.

  “If you step out of this room you are never gonna see me again,” he dares me.

  I stop doing everything I am doing, such as thinking or even breathing, trying to realize what I am doing, also trying to calm the fuck down. I turn around immediately. I realize how much I love him and how much he hurts me.

  “Just a reminder, I am not doing this because I want to, I am doing this because I have to.”

  “You don’t have to, Cal, we can be happy together, we can love each other as much as we do right now,” he says while walking directly to me, staring right into my eyes and lips.

  He places a nice kiss on my lips. This time it feels like the last kiss we are going to ever have. It feels nice, I know it is not, but there is a thing I take for granted; it feels nice until it’s over.

  “Theodore, stop,” I say.

  “I thought you were different.”

  “That’s why I have to do this.”

  I leave.

  CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN

  That’s it. It’s done. I made something I was convinced about. I can’t admit that I am not feeling sad or depressed, of course I am, but I am glad I finally did it because it was driving me mad in a very bad way.

  Few weeks have passed since it happened. I hate being in a relationship with someone because I am afraid of being left alone or broken. That is why I prefer not being in a relationship at all, which leads to being alone for my whole life or at least trying to leave with it; with the fear of someone leaving me, which is inevitable because at some point it always happens.

  Anyway, Roth is still my best friend because he knows and understands me more than anyone –even than myself. I got used to him, to the way he acts towards me and how our friendship works. I know he is not going to let me down although there are times he does, I know it is for good.

  I told him the whole story with Theodore and he said that it was something between the both of us –me and Theodore– and that he wasn’t supposed to know that stuff, which is great but I have always wanted someone to talk about my boyfriend and stuff related to him, etcetera.

  Roth is the reflection of the person I always wanted to be; social, with lots of friends and carefree, which is completely the opposite of who I am; obsessive, antisocial and a control freak.

  There’s nothing I cannot not control because unfortunately that’s who I am. Everything I do is because there have been lots of hours of thinking before making it.

  I don’t miss us, I never got used of him because being alone is my comfort zone, I mean, I miss him as a couple and a friend but I don’t miss the person who I was when I was near him. We were definitely not meant to be; it wasn’t that we didn’t love each other; we did so much I was afraid of losing that lovely thing we had together. And now, together is no longer a thing.

  Staring at his eyes and grabbing his face by the nape of his neck was the most amazing thing I had the pleasure to feel and I regret nothing we did together, not even a single thing. In spite of the arguments we had, every single moment was special.

  I remember when he told me that I would never be able to see him again. It was a lie because I have and I know he has, too. I have seen him several times at college and I couldn’t resist but to stare at that lovely face. Of course, when we walked past each other he never said a word or looked at me, which made me feel pretty uncomfortable.

  You are probably thinking about how I didn’t talk about my mother. The reason is: I don’t want to, because she hid things from me and now I am caged with something I also don’t want to talk about; my father, let’s not even name him.

  I need to face something, my mom died because of me, she committed suicide because I escaped from home. Come on, it was not because of the alcohol or the drugs because she had issues with them from the age of twenty-one.

  Sarah was desperately looking for some moment when she was able to kill herself and she found it perfectly. I know it sounds horrifying but it’s the truth.

  What I believe is that life has something prepared for everyone, and for me this is ending up alone. Nonetheless, it is what I have always wanted by reason of my fear of being surrounded by people.

  The thing is, I was the dark side of him, I was the one who resembled darkness and I was so stupid I wasn’t able to recognize that. I mean, there’s something good in every bad thing and there’s something bad in every good thing. I have to admit that this time the good thing is that I found myself and the bad thing is that I was lost for a very long time.

  I was lost, now I am not.

  I’ve risen from an awful past, hope we all did.

  EPILOGUE

  I take a look in the mirror and realize that my hair is longer now, way longer than two months ago. I am happier, healthier, I don’t cry in my sleep anymore and my mood is better than ever, although sometimes I feel a pain in the ass, I can admit that I am in my best moment.

  My grades are good, the house is tidy –lonely, though– and I started working at Target so I have some extra money to pay the bills.

  The mirror reflects someone I have always wanted to be; confident, mature and responsible.

  Sudde
nly, I hear the bell ring and I feel confused. The only one I can think of is Kate but I don’t believe she is capable of coming to my house at this time of the evening.

  I made new friends at college, I even talked to Lisa and she seems a pretty nice human being, to be honest. I am kind of best friends with Kate and Dylan, who are in a relationship. They are great and so cute together, I feel so comfortable around them. I am so glad I could finally socialize and meet some new people.

  The only thing that catches my eye is that they remember me so much about him and it makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable sometimes, but I try not to think about it because I don’t have to be attached to someone forever.

  I start walking down the stairs as fast as I can and get to the door. While grabbing the door knob and finally open the door, disconcerted.

  A man is standing at the entrance, waiting for an answer. He is wearing a black nice coat. He is brunette and pretty tall, I can tell.

  “Hello?” I speak. He turns around and I see his face. This man seems worried; he has a pretty rare look. He also has blue eyes.

  “Hi,” he approaches me.

  “Do you need something?”

  “I’m Alex.”

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  There are so many people to thank but at this moment I can’t think of anyone. I am sitting at some random bed trying to think about something to say but it is impossible to acknowledge all the friends, teachers and siblings that gave me so much support and believed in me in so many aspects of my life. I will try hard to remember every single person I need to thank for.

  Mom, I would love to be as strong as you are but that’s physically impossible; I try hard to impress you every day, I want you to know that. Thank you for supporting me with this project and I am really sorry for reading out loud the same fucking pages over and over again every single time I could.

  Family, I will always love how proud of your little girl you are, although I am not that little anymore. I appreciate your concern for me when I had tough times and also a big thank you for providing me with the support every time I needed it.