Silent Heart

by Susan Simone

  Stone tapped my knee making me look at him. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked.

  ‘Bear,’ I said simply. He nodded sadly and I broke. The tears came like rain and no amount of wiping at my cheeks and eyes would take them away. Stone put his arms around me pulling me into his chest and let me cry. He rubbed my back and spoke into my hair. I had no idea what he was saying. He could have been cursing me out and calling me foul names for all I knew, but it was soothing and it was his lips moving in my hair sending tiny vibrations across my scalp that calmed me more than anything else. I wished he was speaking out loud instead of just whispering. I longed to feel the vibration of his chest against my face as well.

  When I was little I spent long hours resting on my father’s chest while he told Bear stories. Bear would translate of course but I always thought I understood the story better by feeling the rise and fall of my father’s rumblings beneath my cheek. Whenever I was scared or sick or hurt, my father would hold me saying words I couldn’t hear but I understood by feeling the deep vibrations. When he died it was Bear’s chest I would feel when I was upset.

  Calming myself, I pushed away slightly and he let me go, but he didn’t move far away. He gave me that look like I was a fragile piece of glass again making me want to scream. I was all too aware of my limitations and that I had just been sobbing on his chest…again, I didn’t need him treating me like I would break at any moment.

  ‘What was in that broth?’ I asked unexpectedly, desperate to find a different subject.

  ‘What?’

  ‘The broth you gave me. How did you make it?’

  ‘What broth?’ he asked stumbling over the unfamiliar gesture.

  ‘When I was sick. In the water skin. You gave me broth. How? We had no supplies.’

  ‘Oh! Sorry. New word,’ he smiled and dug in our bag pulling out a few small packets and handing them to me. ‘It’s soup boiled down to almost nothing and mixed with…salt?’ I nodded that he used the right gesture. ‘Some herbs,’ he accidentally said plants and I corrected him absently. ‘Just mix it with a skin of hot water. It was made by a court healer. I only use it when in great need.’

  ‘And you wasted one on me,’ I said with small hands looking at the packets. He picked my chin up.

  ‘No waste. You were in need.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘For?’

  ‘Making me live.’

  ‘Just don’t die and we’re even,’ he said getting up and walking to the bushes before lying down. He slept with his back against mine wanting to keep me warm but avoiding another mishap like that morning. That was good enough for me, though I kind of missed having his arm as a pillow.

  Eleven

  Stone’s familiar large hand closed over my mouth. Lost in a dreamy haze, I startled awake. Before I could ask what was going on he wrapped his free arm under me and rolled us into the brush in the dead of night. He landed half on top of me and put his finger to my lips. I was going to have to talk to him about that. It really wasn’t necessary.

  ‘Don’t move,’ he gestured urgently and took off back to our little camp. My eyes followed him as he picked up our food and water, hastily tossed dirt onto the fire and ran several yards away and to the river. He jumped in with both feet and splashed making as big a fuss as he could, then threw rocks to the other side before sneaking back to me on his stomach.

  ‘What—?’ I started.

  ‘They’re coming. Be still.’ I gasped unable to control myself and Stone clamped a hand down on my mouth again. ‘Be still!’ he repeated.

  The men in black loomed over us soon after. They were on foot and I couldn’t feel them coming without the horses. I watched completely petrified while they inspected where we slept and sent others ahead to follow the tracks Stone had left for them. I could see their mouths working and could feel the wind from their capes as they moved.

  The skeleton man crouched down across the dead fire and stared into the brush. I could feel his eyes and the blue diamond ones never far behind like a curse. Was that what happened when you murdered somebody? Did you carry around their soul with you for the rest of your days…were their eyes always lurking in the back of your head? Did they torture you at night? I liked to think so. I liked to think he saw Bear’s sapphire blue every time he closed his eyes and that they made him bleed and suffer. I stopped caring if he saw us there while I willed my curse upon him, but I never moved and eventually he got up, moving on to inspect other little details.

  We waited for what must have been hours in total stillness for the men to leave. Twice I thought they were gone only to have them double back past us. Once a man combed through the brush and he came so close to us he actually stepped on my hair. Stone pulled out his knife and his muscles tensed, poised to take action. After long breathless moments he too left without ever seeing how close he was to the prize.

  Stone finally relaxed as the sky turned grey announcing the emanate sunrise. He rolled away shaking one of his hands that had apparently fallen asleep. I tried to sit up but he motioned me down.

  ‘Not safe. You can move a little but no sitting or standing yet,’ he ordered.

  ‘Are they close?’

  ‘I don’t know and that’s the problem.’

  ‘We can’t just lay here all day.’

  ‘I know. Trust me a little.’ I sighed and rolled on my side to so I could face him. I waved my hand in his face getting his attention again. ‘What?’

  ‘Can I ask you something?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘What is it like to kill a man?’ He visibly startled and frowned at me.

  ‘Why?’ he asked slowly.

  ‘I want to know…. I want to know if the skeleton man suffers for what he did.’

  ‘Skeleton man?’

  ‘The leader. His face is sunken like a skull.’

  ‘Oh, I see. Skeleton man. Good name for him.’

  ‘You have another?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I thought he saw us and I wondered if he suffers. I want him to suffer.’

  ‘I don’t know. Some men have no soul. They feel nothing when they kill. Everyone is different.’

  ‘What do you feel?’

  ‘How do you know I’ve killed?’

  ‘I watched you, in the fire.’

  ‘Oh. I forgot you saw that.’ He rolled over on his back and stared at the lightening sky. ‘It’s a hard question to answer.’ He used small hands and fiddled with his fingers between words. ‘I remember all their faces. Even the ones that…deserved? That deserved it.’

  ‘You’ve killed men that didn’t deserve it?’

  ‘In battle who knows who deserves it? Everyone is just following orders and trying to live. Does the common good soldier who is loyal deserve it no matter what his country is or may have done? Is he responsible for the crimes of his king? Does he deserve to die more than you do?’ His chest rose in a deep breath. ‘Killing should not be easy, but in the heat of a fight you just want to live and hope you want it more than the other. Your brother was right. Men are awful…beasts? Beasts. We are all capable of horrible things.’

  ‘Do their faces hurt you?’

  ‘At first, then I learned to put it away. That is the deadliest thing a man can do; learn to put the things he’s done to the side and not think on them.’

  ‘Do you regret them?’

  ‘Some, yes, I will always regret. Other’s I’m almost proud of.’ He turned to face me suddenly and looked me in the eye. ‘Don’t ever learn to kill Paige. Let the men in your life do it if it needs being done. Don’t kill. It will change your heart forever.’ I started to respond but he took my hands in his and squeezed lightly before rolling over away from me.

  I fell asleep in the brush for a short time. Stone woke me up just after sunrise to move again. He was still most of the day, lost in his own revelry. He flat out ignored my attempts to draw him out and I wondered what demons I woke up with my questions. Did he fall asleep seeing their faces? I wanted to
apologize but wasn’t sure how. I didn’t really regret my questions and his answers had revealed much of his soul, but still it bothered me to see him hurting so. I left him to his stillness hoping he would come out of it on his own eventually.

  We left the path that day. Stone dragged us through the deep brush, veering dangerously towards the river. There was no trail to speak of, often not even a clear space to put your foot. After a few hours I felt like I was bleeding from head to toe with uncounted scrapes and cuts. Stone never seemed to notice. He just continued on undaunted with his relentless pace.

  It was mid-afternoon when we finally made it to the city. Well city was a strong word; it was more like a glorified town that straddled the river. A network of bridges crisscrossed between the two halves of oddly clustered buildings that were half built for river life and half nestled into the mountain foothills. From a distance it looked like how I imagined a troll village from one of my father’s stories.

  Stone pulled up short when we reached the first bridge taking my hand. He visibly sighed and turned to me abruptly. It was the first time he really looked at me all day. ‘We need to be married,’ he said without preamble.

  ‘What?’ I stepped back shocked. He looked up at the sky fiddling with his fingers trying to find the right word.

  ‘Not for real,’ he stumbled.

  ‘Pretend,’ I corrected.

  ‘Yes. We will sleep at an inn tonight. I can’t give you a room. Not safe. Can you pretend to be my wife?’

  ‘Can you stop giving me cold hands?’

  ‘Cold hands?’

  ‘You haven’t spoken to me all day.’ He smiled to himself and hung his head.

  ‘Sorry. Yes I can do that.’

  ‘Good,’ I said threading my arm through his. ‘Now get your wife off her sore feet.’ He shook with laughter and led the way through town. ‘Have you been here before?’

  ‘I stop through often. Evard did not make his seat very accessible to the rest of the country.’

  ‘Are there any jealous girls I should watch out for?’ I teased.

  ‘No one who would be jealous,’ he laughed.

  ‘Should I be offended?’ I asked dubiously.

  ‘No. I mean…. I have a few friends in town but no one I plan on courting.’

  ‘I see,’ I smiled suggestively.

  ‘No you don’t.’

  ‘I’m not a prude, Stone. Bear liked prostitutes.’ He stopped dead in his tracks and stared at me horrified. ‘Not to buy. He courted them.’

  ‘Courted them?’ I took his arm and started walking again.

  ‘Mother was a prostitute before she met Father. She always said he saved her life. Bear was a lusty man. He could joke and tease the prostitutes better than other women and he always thought he’d find a real nice one and take her away from it all.’

  ‘Bear was a good man.’

  ‘Yes. He was,’ I said with small hands.

  ‘At the risk of offending you,’ he started jovially. ‘I’ve never had to pay for it.’ He caught me enough off guard I laughed. ‘Come on. You should meet my friends.’

  ‘I promise not to be jealous.’

  ‘You say that now, but when you meet my favorite girl you’ll be green.’

  ‘Oh so I do have competition.’

  ‘Not for tonight. Tonight I’m all yours.’

  ‘Only tonight? I thought I squeezed at least two out of you.’

  ‘We’ll see about that. By tomorrow you’ll be so sick of me you’ll be glad it’s pretend.’

  ‘Am I your wife to your friends too?’

  ‘No,’ he laughed. ‘Just for show. They’re looking for a soldier traveling with a woman, not newlyweds on their honeymoon.’

  We had walked to the stables before I even realized it, having spent most of my attention on Stone’s large hands rather than where we were walking. They were large and callused, definitely a rough man’s hands, but he used them so eloquently and gently. I had seen those hands take a life right in front of me, but I also remembered those hands holding my head up and helping me drink when I was too weak to hold a water skin. His hands were distracting to say the least.

  He tapped my shoulder and I realized I’d been staring off into space. “Paige,” he spoke and gestured at the same time. “This is my friend,” he paused searching for gestures, ”I don’t know the words.”

  ‘Does his name look like anything?’ I asked. Stone forgot to translate and his friend looked on confused.

  ‘Can you read?’ Stone asked.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I wish I had thought to ask that before.’ He looked around the small enclosure that housed his friend. A short round man with a hard look about him, though he had gentle blue eyes. Stone pointed to a word in a sign.

  ‘Will,’ I showed him.

  “Right then, my friend, Will. He’s the stable master.”

  ‘Nice to meet you,’ I held out my hand waiting for him to take it. He eyed me warily and in the end wiped his hand on his apron before taking mine awkwardly.

  “Are you here to see your girl then?” Will asked Stone.

  “Just a visit. We’ll be picking her up tomorrow.”

  “Kitted out?”

  “Full gear. I need to get back to Evard.”

  “Then why aren’t you up on that mountain you love so much?”

  “Long story. We’ll be taking the long way around.”

  “Suit yourself,” he said shaking his head and opening the gate. Stone pulled me down to a stunning roan mare. Her color faded to gleaming black on her muzzle just below her eyes and all four legs below the knee. She had one black birthmark the shape of fresh sage on her hind quarters. The horse immediately stuck her nose into Stone who petted her with such affection in his eyes.

  ‘This is my favorite girl,’ he told me. ‘Basil.’

  ‘Basil? I thought her name would have been Sage.’

  ‘Why sage? She’s got basil on her hind end.’

  ‘That’s sage,’ I laughed.

  ‘I always thought it looked like basil.’

  ‘Aren’t war horses always stallions?’

  ‘Usually, but Basil here is special. She was a gift several years ago when everyone thought I would marry. She was a beautiful foal. She’s seen me through more battles than most knights ever see. I keep her here when I can’t take her with me. She’ll shorten our trip by days.’

  ‘How much further do we have?’

  ‘Going around the mountains we have a few weeks yet.’

  ‘Why do you keep her so far away?’

  ‘This is a regular stop over for me and I grew up out here.’

  ‘Your parents live in the mountains?’

  ‘Grandparents. My mother was raised in this little city.’

  ‘Town,’ I corrected.

  ‘Town. My father is lord of an estate to the north. They live in the city with the other nobles and only visit on occasion.’

  ‘Will you become lord?’

  ‘Hardly. I’m a third son and my brother’s are married with sons of their own. You’d have to kill near ten people to get to me,’ he smiled. ‘I never wanted to be lord anyway. Evard keeps me busy enough for ten men. So what do you think?’

  ‘About?’

  ‘Basil?’ he smiled.

  ‘You’re right. I’m jealous. Her mane would make wonderful brushes.’

  ‘Hey, none of that. My horse will not be objectified.’

  ‘Objectified?’ he had made up that gesture and I wasn’t sure what he meant.

  ‘Taken advantage of?’ he tried.

  ‘I see…I think.’

  ‘Come on, I want to get off my feet,’ he laughed.

  The inn was situated only a block away in a little nest of trees and the bend of a small stream that branched out from the river. From a distance it looked nice and homey but up close it was as rowdy as any bar Bear had ever told me stories of. Even in the day light hard looking men walked in and out the doors followed by even harder looking, scant
ily clad women. They all had the same look in their eyes of silent desperation masked by joviality and sensuous make up.

  I tried to picture my mother with that look, tried to see her with her hair up in a messy knot, and carmine painting her cheeks and lips. Did she wear her skirt pulled up in front to show her knees and her bodice part open to show her cleavage the day she met my father? What was it about her that made him see her as more than an object? My memories of my mother were always normal. She wore the standard farm dresses and didn’t touch make up. She was kind but tough and never looked at another man. She was like any mother, but still I tried to see her as one of those women with quiet desperation.

  Stone took my hand and we walked boldly into the little inn. Rough necked men watched us over their drinks, the prostitutes hovered in the corners making comments to themselves or waving to each other from across the room. I never really saw myself as a proper lady but I guess in current company I was enough of a sight to warrant talk…or it could have been Stone on my arm. He did say he was known in town.

  A tall blond woman of middle years came out of the kitchen wiping her hands on a towel and throwing it over her shoulder. Her hair was up in a loose messy bun with many strands coming out the sides. Her sleeves were rolled up showing boney elbows. Stone pulled me to the counter and the woman lit up like a lantern, her smile taking years off her face. She half ran around the counter and took him in a giant hug. Stone had dropped my hand to embrace her and the two of them talked rapidly with bright grins.

  It took several minutes but eventually the woman inquired after me and Stone remember his manners.

  “Oh! I’m sorry,” he hung his head speaking and gesturing at the same time. “This is Paige. Paige this is my aunt…um… Do you have something to write with?” he asked the aunt.