Silent Heart

by Susan Simone

  ‘NO! That was horrible!’

  ‘That bad?’

  ‘The room was dancing with the wind.’ He threw back his head in laughter.

  ‘You were pretty out of it. Fell asleep on my lap.’

  ‘I what?’

  ‘It’s not a big deal. I think we’ll just dump this batch.’

  ‘Be careful not to hit anything living with it. There’s no telling what mutation it will inspire.’

  ‘Oh it’s not that bad.’

  ‘You didn’t take any.’

  ‘I promise I’ll make a weaker batch.’

  ‘Don’t bother. I hate that stuff. It makes me say the worst things.’ He grinned and turned around leaving me to wonder horrified what I said.

  “Stone,” I said out loud making him turn around. ‘What did I say?’

  ‘Nothing,’ he smiled.

  ‘You’re a terrible liar. Did I say something awful?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Stone!’

  ‘Don’t worry about it. You just tell the truth.’

  ‘What did I say?’ I demanded.

  ‘You’ll remember; eventually. Eat your breakfast. We’re leaving as soon as the rain lets up.’

  ‘Not until you tell me what I said.’

  ‘Fine. Starve.’ What? That wasn’t like him. Oh God what did I say? He only smiled and went about dividing up the food.

  The rain had stopped before we finished eating and we emerged into a muddy world. Stone picked me up to put me on the horse and I put my hand on his shoulder.

  ‘I’m not getting on that horse until you tell me what I said.’ He laughed and put me on the horse.

  ‘Let it go, Paige, let it go.’

  ‘This is going to drive me crazy! Please, I’m begging you, what did I say?’ “Please?” I added out loud with a pout.

  ‘I’m not going to tell you,’ I felt him chuckle behind me.

  ‘Why?!’

  ‘What you say when you’re drunk or high is usually the truth, but you also didn’t mean to say it. Just leave it lie for now. Say it in your right mind and all bets are off.’

  ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘Just what I said.’

  ‘How am I supposed to decide to say it in my right mind if I don’t know what I said?’

  ‘Nice try. No.’ I groaned and leaned against him. He was still topless and drying. He laughed and put an arm around my waist pulling me into him. I froze and took his hand in an iron grip. He didn’t move his arm but he loosened his grip and stopped the horse.

  ‘I—I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s okay. It’s just me. What scared you?’

  ‘I don’t want to say.’

  ‘You can always tell me the truth. My heart is stronger than you think.’

  ‘It’s so hard to be touched.’

  ‘You know I won’t hurt you.’

  ‘My heart knows, my mind knows, but the rest of me is scared of everything.’

  ‘It kills me to see what they did to you.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s not your fault.

  ‘I felt like we had a chance before, but now we spend all our time dealing with my crazy problems. Is this too much for you?’

  ‘Paige, I’m not going anywhere. It’s only been two weeks. You still have bruises. We have our whole lives. We will get past this.’

  ‘I still can’t believe you want me after that. I’m so damaged.’ He took my shoulders before I could protest and turned me so I had to look at his face.

  ‘Look at me,’ he demanded. ‘You are now and always have been the most beautiful, amazing, intelligent woman I’ve ever known. What happened; what they did, means nothing to me. Nothing. Do you understand that? You are hurt and scared but you are still the same woman. Don’t let them make you a victim.’ I was speechless, completely speechless.

  ‘Stone.’ I put my hand on his face. He caught it and laid a gentle kiss on my palm. I was so stunned all my fear melted away.

  ‘I will not ever hurt you, as long as I live. I promise on my life and everything I hold dear. Don’t give up on yourself. We will get through this. Together.’

  ‘I’m trying.’

  ‘I know. Believe me, I know.’

  ‘I’m still sorry,’ I half sobbed the tears clouding my vision again. Would the tears ever stop? ‘I can’t even let you hug me anymore without panicking. It’s so hard.’ He ignored my edicts and I was wrapped tight in his arms before the first stifled sob came out of my mouth. I breathed in his scent trying to calm myself. I was so tired of melting down every day. I was tired to the point of breaking, of being scared and not even being able to let him hold me without some sort of drama. I was tired of being broken. I would have done anything at that point to stop being broken. If sleeping with him would have made it all better I would have stripped down naked right at that moment with no regrets. But I knew it was never going to be that easy.

  ‘Some day, Paige, I will kill them,’ he promised brushing my tears away. ‘It will be long and slow and painful and they will all die by my hand.’

  ‘No. I want them to live in pain the rest of their lives like I do. I want them to feel what I feel.’

  ‘As you wish,’ he said with dark eyes. He righted me on the horse and secured me against him before I had a chance to protest, starting Basil at her steady trot. I cowered against him the rest of the day; needing his security and re-acclimating myself with his touch, his smell, just him. I vowed I would learn to not be frightened of this man or die trying.

  ‘Stone talk to me,’ I said gripping his knee until my knuckles were white. Four days on a horse with my mangled foot bouncing with every step had wore on me badly. Pain crept up my leg exhausting every part of me, awakening injuries that I thought had healed.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ It had been a day or two since I flinched around him.

  ‘I hurt. Please talk to me, take my mind off of it.’

  ‘Do you want to rest?’

  ‘No that’s even worse. I can feel the horse moving in my dreams. Just talk to me.’

  ‘Maybe you should let me make you tea.’

  ‘We’ve had this discussion.’

  ‘Yes we discussed, I never said I agreed.’

  ‘If fighting is your idea of distracting me you’re going to have pick another tactic.’ He laughed.

  ‘Alright, let’s try this.’ He reached down and pulled out a thin scroll of scrap leather. I unrolled it to find an alphabet carefully spelled out. ‘You said something about teaching me to spell. That seems like a good distraction.’

  We spent the next several days correcting his use of my alphabet and discussing changes to difficult hand positions. I didn’t see the point of changing what had worked my entire life, but he argued that his hands weren’t used to the intricate postures and that no one else was either. He argued that we should make it to make it easier to learn. I wondered who else would have to learn. That set off another round of discussions that since I was such an apt teacher there was no reason I shouldn’t teach as many people as possible. He didn’t understand why I chose to isolate myself. He had a point. I started to ask myself the same question.

  The rains really started on the fifth day. It had rained lightly off and on for awhile but on the fifth day the water started coming down in sheets. It rained persistently letting up for only brief minutes here and there. We spent all our time drenched and pushing through the torrent with our heads low, Basil slipping and fighting with the constant rivers of mud and muck we had to trudge through. We found shelter in a series of caves and lean-to’s that looked as if they had been set up for weary travelers on the road. It was a road we followed now, though undulating with mud it may have been.

  Stone was topless most of the time, keeping his jerkin carefully stowed away claiming he dried faster this way. He was rather nice to look at all topless and wet, and I liked the feel of his skin against my cheek. Sex and intimacy were still far away from my mind, trapped in that cage of fear
that made me feel lost and impotent when he was close. At least, I could still appreciate a well made man and his touches didn’t scare me anymore. He made me feel secure. I really needed security and bathed myself in as much as I could get. If he wanted more, he didn’t show it but seemed pleased when I let him next to me and when I reached out to him.

  I spent my time under a blanket mostly. It was heavy and uncomfortable, sodden with mud and water, but I endured for the greater good.

  ‘Why are you making me use this? It isn’t helping,’ I asked exasperated.

  ‘Please just use it.’

  ‘Why? I don’t like it.’

  ‘Can you please trust me? You really need to use it.’

  ‘Stone.’

  ‘Fine. I’m going to be blunt. You are wearing a thin white shirt. It’s raining and a little cold.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘Your breasts are showing and your nipples are sticking out. For my sake cover yourself.’ I looked down horrified to see he was right. I might as well have been naked the way my skin showed through. I used the blanket from then on without complaint.

  At night, Stone worried over my ankle and the burn on my foot that was still healing. It seemed to heal slower than my other injuries, but it was also the worst and in an awkward spot. He made me rest it un-bandaged by the fire while he dried the dressing. He kept checking and re-checking it, smelling it, poking at it, massaging the joints in my toes, and measuring the swelling.

  ‘Stone I’m fine,’ I chided with a smile.

  ‘I’m just checking on it.’

  ‘You check on it every night. It’s getting better. It doesn’t even hurt that much anymore.’

  ‘But it’s not healed and with all this rain I worry.’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘Gangrene,’ he spelled badly. ‘It’s not good to let it get wet. Indulge me, okay?’ I smiled and he laid out all our wet gear near the fire in our little cave for the night. I was beginning to become an expert on caves. This one was small, but perfectly round and had a high ceiling. The shape made it easy to see in the dark with a fire, no dark corners, but the ceiling made it hard to keep warm. Low ceilings were hard to maneuver in but you never froze no matter how big they were.

  I poked at the fire with a stick, making charcoal and drawing on the rocks that lined the permanent fire pit in this cave. There was a large piece of scrap leather on the ground and it looked to me like canvas. How long had it been since I painted? I couldn’t remember. Stone was sitting across the fire from me, the flames reflecting on his wet, bare chest. I watched him for a long time, seeing in my head how I would draw the lines of him, the play of light and shadow in his eyes.

  ‘What is it?’ he asked.

  ‘I want to draw you.’

  ‘Draw me?’ he smiled. ‘On what, with what?’

  ‘I can make charcoal pencils out of sticks easy enough, and you have a nice piece of leather over here if I can use it.’

  ‘Be my guest. Where do you want me?’ I cocked my head and looked at him thoughtfully, the vision filling my head. I scooted my way over to him, holding my ankle off the ground.

  ‘Let me arrange you,’ I said. He raised his eyebrows and smiled. I pulled him down on his side propped up on his elbow. He was the perfect doll, letting me move and position each limb, holding them steady but moving easily when I moved them. I arranged him in a pleasing pose, at least to me, but something was missing. I wanted to show his eloquent hands but one was alongside his body and the other flat on the ground. Frowning, I started over and brought one of his knees forward to shift his hips a little and boldly pulled out his dagger from his thigh, putting it in his hands. I angled it so it caught the light from the fire and arranged his hands so it looked like he was testing the edge with his thumb.

  ‘No talking,’ I told him before I scrambled to the other side of the fire. ‘I need your hands still.’ From this side he had the effect of a warrior god born out of fire. ‘Look at me,’ I said and started. Maybe it was a good thing I was still a little wet and not using the blanket. I had his full attention. He was a good model and sat still for me for what must have been an hour or more. He kept his focus and I worked meticulously to capture that expression; that look in his eyes that revealed the rawness of his emotion and the complexity of his mind. I felt like I knew every detail of his soul when I looked at him like that. It was like he gave me everything in him through his expressive eyes.

  I couldn’t make love to him. I was damaged in so many ways and while I knew he didn’t care, I did and always would. I was too frightened to get that close to him. For now, it was a triumph just to let him touch me and to sit in his arms all day on the horse. I couldn’t make love to him, but I could put my emotions into this picture. I could painstakingly scribe every detail of him; I could run my fingers on his drawn body, shading all those wonderfully defined muscles. I could show the play of light in his eyes, I could capture his soul on this piece of leather. I could give him my heart as I drew his likeness.

  When I was done, he threw himself back on the ground and stretched every part of him like a cat. ‘Can I see it?’ he grinned. I scooted over to him and he propped himself back on his elbow. He stared at it for a long time looking as if he was drinking it into his soul. ‘This is how you see me?’ he asked looking into my eyes.

  ‘You’ve seen my work. This is how you look.’

  ‘It’s amazing, Paige. Are you sure this is me?’

  ‘Do I need to get you a mirror?’ He laughed. His fingers inspected the back of my hand and slowly slid up my arm while he caught my gaze with those luscious dark brown pools of his soul’s essence. His hand worked its way behind my neck, massaging the joint where my hair met skin. There was a gentle pressure from his hand as he tried to pull me forward, this kiss he intended written on his face. For a second I leaned in. For a second I wanted that kiss and perhaps where it would lead, but then…

  I panicked.

  What else is new? I backed up with force and scooted away from him hugging my knees to my chest trying desperately to hold back my tears.

  ‘Paige?’

  ‘I—I’m sorry.’ He ran his hand over his face and looked at me.

  ‘No, I’m sorry. You weren’t ready.’

  ‘I wanted you to kiss me, I really did,’ I cried now. ‘But then it was too much. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me sometimes. I keep doing this to you.’

  ‘Paige,’ he said moving next to me and putting an arm around me. ‘It’s alright. You didn’t hurt my feelings. It’s alright.’

  ‘Sometimes I feel like it will never be alright. Like nothing can ever be right again. I’m so fucking frigid!’

  ‘Give it time, Sweetheart. I promise in time it will all be alright.’

  ‘How? No matter what I do I can’t get past this.’ He picked me up pulling me into his lap wrapping his arms around me.

  ‘Do you know how long I’ve been doing Evard’s dirty work?’

  ‘No. I don’t even know how old you are.’

  ’28,’ he smiled. ‘I started training when I was twelve. I was singled out by sixteen and given my rank by 20. When there is a lady of the court or a friend of a lady that has no one to defend her, I get sent out. I can’t even count the number of rapists I’ve killed. I see what happens to these women. It takes them years to recover, some never do. What has it been, three and half-four weeks? You’re pushing yourself too much on my account and you need to stop it. You’re so worried about hurting me that you’re not giving yourself time to heal.’

  ‘I don’t want to break your heart,’ I said meekly.

  ‘You’re not going to break my heart. You’re trying, and that’s all I can ask. Don’t give up on yourself. I’ll be here. Ten years from now I’ll still be here.’

  ‘What if I’m one of the ones that never heals?’

  ‘We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Don’t be ashamed to be afraid of me. I understand.’

  ‘I’m not a
fraid of you.’

  ‘Then what are you afraid of?

  ‘I’m afraid of being touched. I’m afraid of never being able to trust anyone with that part of me. I know what it feels like and I don’t know if I can do that on purpose—.’

  ‘Wait a second,’ he put his hands on mine. ‘You really need to understand something. Watch me closely. What they did to you was not what it is supposed to feel like. Making love isn’t even in the same category as rape. The two have nothing more in common than anatomy.’

  ‘You’re a man how would you know what a woman is feeling?’ He stifled laughter making me look at him sharply.

  ‘Trust me. It’s kind of obvious at the time.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Paige. It is intensely pleasurable for both. When you choose it there’s no pain,’ he brushed the hair behind my ear. ‘No fear, just love.’

  ‘Promise?’

  ‘With all my heart.’ His brown eyes swallowed me whole and I fell into him. Locked in his arms, it was a minor adjustment to bring my face next to his. The back of his hand caressed my cheek and we stared at each other for a long breathless moment, and I didn’t panic, I didn’t flinch away. He took a deep breath and then rested his forehead against mine. I couldn’t let this slip away. I was so afraid all the time that when for one blessed moment the fear melted away I had to seize it.

  I tilted my mouth up to his and kissed him. He stilled for only a second and pulled me hard against him kissing me passionately. The jolt when his tongue touched mine sent shockwaves through me, clenching those muscles I was afraid of. Just when I could take no more he pulled away, his face was flushed and he was breathing hard.

  ‘Thank you,’ he said and kissed my forehead. ‘Thank you. I—I need to let you go now.’

  ‘Can you just hold me?’ The corners of his mouth quirked up for a second.

  ‘I don’t think that would be a good idea.’

  ‘I climbed a mountain with you, Stone. If you can keep your hands to yourself I’ll be fine.’ He surprised me by blushing brightly.

  ‘So you knew.’

  ‘Yes. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, adrenaline does that.’