Every Breaking Wave

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  He pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me as I rested my head on his chest. He felt safe, but even so, I was still afraid. Afraid to feel what I was feeling for him…afraid to set myself up to be hurt again. As much as I told myself I shouldn’t be doing this, that I shouldn’t be letting him in, I knew I wanted to let him in. I’d told myself I didn’t need anyone else again, and that was true. I didn’t need just anyone else. I needed Jeremy.

  “I wish you’d said hi,” I whispered into his chest.

  It was a ridiculous notion, but I wondered if somehow knowing Jeremy sooner might’ve affected my life for the better. The only good thing that had come out of my marriage to Darren was Noah and I wouldn’t change that for anything. Everything I’d been through was worth having that little boy as my son. But still, maybe my life would’ve been different if I’d known Jeremy. It was certainly different now.

  “I wish I’d said hi too,” he said, pulling back, holding my arms gently as our eyes met again briefly before his lips were on mine once more, not wasting any time before kissing me so deeply, I thought I felt my knees give for a second. I was starting to lose all sensibility as my head started swimming with thoughts of things I wanted Jeremy to do to me, but then he abruptly stopped.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked breathlessly and a little smile formed on his face.

  “I think it’s time I go to my room, Beth,” he said, just as breathless as me and I looked at him quizzically. “If I don’t go now, it’s going to be very hard to ever leave.”

  As much as I didn’t want him to go, I knew he was right. Feelings were starting to fly that wouldn’t be able to be contained much longer.

  “I think you’re right,” I agreed and he pulled me to him, planting a soft kiss on my forehead, his lips lingering for a few moments before letting go.

  We walked quietly back into the room and I was grateful for the bathroom light Noah had insisted I keep on. He was still fast asleep as we tiptoed past his bed, making our way to the door. Jeremy opened it just enough to step out so the bright light of the hallway wouldn’t come spilling in. I leaned the door against my shoulder as Jeremy stood in the hall.

  “Good night, Beth. Sleep well,” he said.

  “Good night, Jeremy. See you in the morning,” I replied.

  Our eyes locked for a moment and then he leaned in, kissing me on the cheek, before turning and heading to his room, leaving me alone to think about all the things I wanted him to do to me.

  ~~~

  We got home at lunch time the next day. I was sad for the trip to end, but glad to be back in Travers Cove. Boston was a great city, but I liked the quiet the little beach town had to offer. Unlike the trip to the city, Noah was great on the way home and I was glad it had ended on a high note.

  Jeremy and I didn’t talk about it, but I knew things had changed between us after last night. He knew my fears and I knew his. Things were different and I was happy.

  We unpacked Jeremy’s SUV and after making Noah a cheese sandwich with a side of sweet gherkins, he settled himself in front of the TV for some Paw Patrol.

  “You’re all set then?” Jeremy asked, taking my hands as we stood in the kitchen, doing his best with my casted one.

  “Yeah, I think so,” I said, knowing this meant he was going to leave.

  “We’re going out tomorrow on the boat. Back to the grind,” he said with a forced laugh.

  “I’m not gonna lie. I’ll miss seeing you lazing around.”

  “Lazing around?” he scoffed. “I hardly lazed around.”

  “I know. It’s fun to tease you though,” I said, smiling up at him. “But I will miss having you around so much. Noah will too.”

  “It couldn’t last forever. Bill had to get his ass in gear and get that boat fixed eventually.”

  “Are you excited to get back to work?”

  “For the most part, I am. It’ll be good to get back into the routine. The break was kinda nice, especially when I noticed how hot my new neighbor was.” I laughed again and then he took my face with his hands, kissing me softly. “Can we have dinner tonight? I’ll grill and you and Noah can come over.”

  “I’d like that,” I said and he kissed me again.

  “I’ll see you guys around six then,” he said and I nodded as he smiled at me and then left.

  I leaned against the door, watching him as he made the short distance between the houses. He turned and waved to me before going inside, but I didn’t move right away. I stood there, contemplating how I’d gotten here…how I’d gotten to this point. I hadn’t come here for this. I hadn’t come here to be swept up in some summer romance…a romance I had no idea where it could lead, but I thought back to our conversation on the beach that night of our first date. Maybe Jeremy’s father had been right. No matter what happened to me, there would always be something else waiting right behind, and right now, I knew that something was Jeremy.

  Twelve

  It was strange not having Jeremy around like he’d been. He was gone before I woke up in the morning and not home until dinner time, sometimes after. Noah and I spent our days at the beach. Sophie and Aubrey often joined us. Noah was ecstatic to see Sophie and I was glad to get to know Jeremy’s sister a little better. Noah and Sophie became fast friends and since Noah’s birthday was July seventh, we even threw a small birthday party the weekend of the Fourth of July at Aubrey’s house for him. He loved celebrating with his new friends and getting to watch fireworks on top of that.

  In the evenings, when I knew Jeremy should be getting home I’d keep my eyes on the house next door and when I’d see his SUV pull in, I couldn’t wait to see him. On the first night after he’d gone back to work, I’d seen him pull into the driveway, watching as he climbed out. I thought he looked adorably rugged in his fishing gear and I didn’t want to wait to see him. I checked on Noah to make sure he busy playing and then walked out the back door. Jeremy must’ve heard me because just as he was about to open his front door, he turned and smiled when he saw me. He was holding some kind of tackle box, but he set it down and we started walking towards each other, meeting in the grass between our houses.

  “Hey,” I said when he stood in front of me. “How was your day?”

  “Long,” he answered and I reached out, resting my hand on his arm as I moved my body closer. Then I stopped and my nose curled up.

  “You stink,” I laughed and he grinned proudly.

  “That’s the smell of the sea, Beth.”

  I couldn’t help but crack up.

  “You need a shower,” I said, slapping him playfully on the chest.

  “Hey, cut me some slack. You try spending the day on the north Atlantic, pulling lobsters out of the ocean.”

  “You may look pretty hot in this fishing getup you’ve got going on, but I don’t think I can handle the smell.”

  “No?” he grinned and I stepped away, shaking my head. “You think I emit a foul and unpleasant odor?” I laughed and nodded again as I stepped away from him. “Too bad!”

  He grabbed me, wrapping me in a bear hug so I was consumed by his fishy smell. I was laughing as he held me while also trying not to gag and when he let me go, he reached down, kissing me. He may have stunk, but he tasted just as good as always and I was disappointed when he pulled away.

  “I’m gonna go grab a shower and after I get something to eat, I’ll come over.”

  “Just go take a shower. I’ll make you some dinner,” I told him and I noticed the way he looked at me, an eyebrow raised and a slight cock of the head as he smiled.

  “Thank you, Beth,” he said, taking my hand and kissing the back of it. “You’re too good to me.”

  I shook my head, knowing it was the opposite way around. He was too good to me, but I didn’t argue with him, I just squeezed his hand and then let go as we went our separate ways.

  And that was how our little routine began. I’d make dinner for Noah and me and if Jeremy was home when it was ready, he’d join us after showering. If he wasn
’t home yet, I’d set a plate aside and he’d come over as soon as he was ready. We’d play with Noah for a while and then put him to bed before we settled in to spend time together. Sometimes it was just watching TV or a movie or even just talking. Regardless of what it was, it was nice being together and every day I found myself falling for him more.

  I was beginning to think my decision to spend the summer in Maine had been the right one. For the first time since learning of Darren’s indiscretions, I felt like my life might be okay after all, regardless of what happened between Jeremy and I because I discovered I could have feelings again. No matter how scary they were at first and even though I still had my moments of doubt, the feelings were still there and I doubted I would’ve made it this far had I stayed in Providence wallowing in my self-pity.

  I sat in my chair under the umbrella that was shading me from the particularly warm day. The July sun had a way of beating down like no other time of year and I was grateful for the umbrella and the wide-brimmed hat I’d chosen to wear along with a white strapless sun dress. It revealed more skin than I was comfortable with, but if I was going to have to sit on the beach for hours, I chose comfort over my own self-conscious insecurities.

  We’d swung by and picked up Sophie. Aubrey had been more than willing to allow me to borrow a playmate for Noah since she was hoping to refinish a cabinet, a job that would be much easier sans a curious five-year-old. I was reading and the kids were taking turns burying each other in the sand. Sophie had already buried Noah once and now it was Noah’s turn to bury Sophie. My eyes kept darting from my book to the kids, but I got consumed in an engaging chapter and only looked up when I heard Noah’s voice shouting out.

  “Daddy!”

  My head jerked up immediately. Noah’s eyes were focusing on something behind me and I bolted around to see Darren walking towards us, his hands tucked into his long khaki shorts, the slight breeze pressing his white polo shirt against his chest and causing his sandy hair to blow around. He was wearing sunglasses, but when he saw me staring at him, my mouth obviously agape from seeing my lowlife of an ex-husband waltzing towards us as if this was an everyday occurrence, he took them off and grinned at me. It was the same grin I’d fallen in love when I was a stupid college kid, but now that I was the woman I was, it didn’t seem endearing anymore. It was just cocky and arrogant. Had I not been so smitten, his grin would’ve been my first clue about what kind of man he really was.

  “What the he…what are you doing here, Darren?” I asked, catching myself with the language before I said a word in front of Noah and Sophie that I shouldn’t.

  “Hello to you too, Beth,” he replied, but before we exchanged anymore pleasantries, Noah was bounding through the sand and leaping into his father’s arms. Darren scooped him up and swung him around as Noah held on tightly.

  “Daddy! I missed you!”

  “I missed you too, buddy,” Darren said, kissing Noah on the head. “Wanna build a sandcastle with me?”

  “Of course,” Darren said, striding past me and joining right in on the action. I just sat there, staring at them, wondering what in the world was going on. Darren hadn’t told me why he was here and he was acting as if this was no big deal.

  I continued to sit in near silence, just watching as Darren laughed with Noah and Sophie. This must’ve gone on for at least ten minutes before I finally decided to say something. I stood up, walking over to Darren and tapping him on the shoulder. He looked up just as he was about to dump over a full sandcastle mold.

  “Can I talk to you for a second?” I asked and I could hear how curt my words were.

  “Sure,” he said, dusting the sand from his hands and following me so Noah couldn’t hear us.

  “You still haven’t answered my question, Darren. Why are you here?”

  “You don’t look happy to see me,” he said, crossing his arms.

  “I’m kind of in shock right now to be honest,” I said and he got quiet for a moment.

  “I didn’t call because you would’ve told me not to come and I didn’t want to fight with you, Beth.”

  “Why are you here though?”

  “I missed my son. I haven’t seen him in over a month.”

  I met Darren’s blue eyes, which were staring intensely into mine. I knew he was telling the truth and I didn’t blame him. I couldn’t imagine going a month without Noah and yet I’d done it to him.

  “How long are you planning on staying?” I asked and then hesitated when I feared he might expect to be sleeping over at my place. “And where are you planning on staying?”

  “No worries, Beth. I got a hotel up the road and I’m only planning on staying for a day.”

  “You want to take Noah for the night then?” I asked and when he didn’t answer right away, I got nervous.

  “Actually, I was hoping to take him for a week.”

  “A week?” I asked, surprised at how quiet my words were.

  “I want to take him to Disney World.”

  “Disney World? This is a joke, right?”

  “It’s not a joke. I’m not trying to be petty or start a big fight, but your trip to Boston made me a little envious. I’d like Noah to have some memory with me this summer. I don’t want to be completely absent.”

  “You’re serious?”

  “Totally.”

  I folded my arms and we must’ve looked like we were in the middle of a standoff. I wasn’t mad at Darren. I was stunned.

  “You can’t just spring this on me, Darren,” I said, making sure my voice was extra calm. “You’re talking about whisking him off to Florida out of nowhere.”

  “I’m sorry, but the opportunity just came up. I was able to get the time off work and I scored a great deal on tickets and the hotel.”

  “And let me guess? Stacey’s taking her kids too,” I quipped and he sighed heavily.

  “No, Beth,” he said sternly. “How many times do we have to relive this? She was the biggest mistake of my life and I pay for it every day that you and Noah aren’t with me.”

  His face was sad and I couldn’t help my mind from drifting back to that time when I found out and how he’d begged me not to leave, begged me for another chance, promised he’d never do it again. He’d been desperate for me to stay, but I couldn’t, not after the way he’d betrayed our family.

  “I didn’t say a word when you told me you wanted to bring Noah here for the summer. I knew I had no right to, not after what I’d done. You know I didn’t want you to bring him here for the entire summer, but I knew why you needed to. I’m just asking for a week.”

  He paused for a second and then surprised me when he reached his hand out, touching me on the arm. I couldn’t recall the last time he’d touched me. He’d tried touching me when I found out about his affair. He’d tried holding me as I cried after Stacey had rushed out of our house, but I’d pushed him away, revolted by his touch. I don’t know if it was the passing of time, but I didn’t find it repulsive anymore. It felt the same as I remembered it, before everything had changed.

  He was pleading with me without saying a word and I don’t know why I didn’t fight anymore, but I nodded.

  “Thank you,” he said, his hand finally lifting from my skin.

  “When does your flight leave?”

  “Tomorrow at noon, out of Bangor. We’ll be back next Thursday.”

  “You’re brave. Leaving right before his nap.”

  “He’ll be fine.”

  “Okay,” I said, but all I could imagine was a cranky Noah on a plane. I was glad he would be Darren’s concern at that point and not mine. “I’ll pack his bag tonight and you can pick him up in the morning.”

  “Actually, I was hoping I could pick him up after dinner and just take him back to the hotel with me so we can get an early start without having to disturb you.”

  “Fine,” I said reluctantly. “Whatever you want to do.”

  An awkward silence fell over us, my arms folded guardedly across my chest. He was still loo
king at me with those eyes I hated to admit I still sometimes missed. I didn’t miss them because I still loved him. I couldn’t love him anymore, not after what he’d done, but a part of me would always care for him because we shared Noah. Noah was half him and even though Darren had made a decision that had destroyed us, I couldn’t deny he had a lot of great qualities…qualities I saw in Noah and because of that, I would always have some affection for Darren.

  “How are you, Beth?” he asked and I was surprised by the gentle tone of his voice.

  “I’m really good actually,” I said, an honest smile spreading on my face and then I watched as his eyes left mine and traveled down my body.

  “Aside from the cast, you look great,” he said and I thought I felt myself blush. “I mean it. You look rested.”

  “So, you’re saying I usually look like a tired hag?”

  “No, I’m not saying that. I’m just saying I know it’s been a tough year,” he said, pausing as he glanced away for a moment before looking back at me. “It’s been tough for all of us, but especially you and you look more relaxed than I’ve seen you since…since I messed everything up.”

  The silence descended on us again and I didn’t know how to react, so I didn’t.

  “You can pick Noah up at six o’clock,” I said and then turned quickly back to my chair.

  I sat down and Darren stood watching me for a second before walking over to Noah. He squatted and I could tell by the way Noah started jumping up and down that Darren was telling him about their plans. Then Noah wrapped his arms around Darren, holding on tightly for a long time. He eventually let go and then Darren waved to me and walked away as Noah came running over to me. I didn’t want to be without my son for a week, but when I saw the smile on his face, I knew it wasn’t about me, it was about him. He was happy and that was all that mattered.

  Thirteen

  I had to cut our beach day short if I was going to get Noah ready for his last minute vacation. I made Noah and Sophie some lunch before dropping her off and bringing Noah back home to nap while I threw in his laundry and got everything together for his trip. I stuffed a carry-on bag with markers, coloring books and all of his favorite snacks. I plugged in his tablet to make sure it had a full charge and then hopped in the shower.