My Love Regret

by Anna Antonia

  Was I brave enough to risk my heart and pride again?

  There was no guarantee this would end any better than it did the first and second time around. In fact, it could blow up in my face.

  Resolutely, I stood up.

  No, there wasn’t any guarantee I’d get a different outcome tonight. There was a high likelihood Damian would break my heart again. Yet, it was a chance I had to take because Damian’s presence here changed everything.

  Until tonight I didn’t have much fight in me but I knew differently now.

  I still had more than enough to fight for Damian one last time.

  50

  DAMIAN

  I sat in front of Risa’s building like a goddamned stalker.

  She was just across the street, several stories up. Physically close enough for me to see her within two minutes. But I might as well have been in New York.

  I wouldn’t go up there. My conscience wouldn’t let me. My ruthlessness wouldn’t let me leave. Deadlocked I sat here, torn between both sides.

  My fists tightened around the steering wheel.

  What the hell was happening to me?

  I couldn’t concentrate on my business.

  I couldn’t contact my father.

  I couldn’t see Risa.

  A lifetime of control unraveled, leaving me lost and helpless.

  The surveillance proved I just couldn’t let go of Risa. I didn’t want to. I spied on her nearly every hour of her waking day. Madness dictated I extend the spying to her apartment.

  It wouldn’t be difficult. I’d then be able to watch her to my heart’s content.

  So why hadn’t I done it? Because I feared I wouldn’t be satisfied. I feared what would happen the moment she let another man cross her threshold.

  I made my decision to abandon her for altruistic reasons. It was best for Risa to live far from me and the ghosts linking me to Konstantinov business. Even if my father had succeeded in dismantling his empire, it inevitably was going to create a power vacuum.

  Blood would spill.

  There was no guarantee it wouldn’t reach me. If I’d wanted that kind of safety, I wouldn’t have pursued and kept a link to my father.

  His heart hadn’t been able to close me off completely and it ended up almost costing me my life.

  I accepted it and didn’t regret either of our choices. However, I wouldn’t tolerate any harm coming to Risa.

  Her safety was the driving force of my split. Yet, my love for her also tore me in two. I wanted her happiness. I just didn’t want her happiness to involve anyone else.

  Being a saint-in-progress didn’t work that well for me.

  Lost in my thoughts it took me a moment to realize Elaine was crossing the street and heading right towards me.

  I steeled myself, disgusted at the spurt of guilt and shame that she’d caught me.

  Elaine got in after I unlocked the passenger door.

  “She knows you’re here in Denver.”

  Uncharacteristic warmth touched my cheeks. “Does she?”

  Maybe I wasn’t the only one keeping tabs?

  “Yes. I told her.”

  My mouth flattened into a hard line. Of course. Risa wasn’t off-kilter like me.

  “Why?”

  “Because this limbo must come to an end. You either take her back or you let her go.”

  “It’s not whether I should take her back or not. We both know I shouldn’t.”

  “You want her still. As long as you do, you will be of no use to Bridgewater. You’ve been discreet but your fixation on Risa will soon draw attention. Gossip will ensue and then you will have a real problem on your hands.”

  I bristled at the implication.

  “I haven’t neglected my duties, Elaine.”

  “No?”

  “No.”

  “Then what are you doing sitting here in the dark like a teenage boy? These are not the actions of the man I raised. I didn’t train you to be weak. Nor did I train you to abandon reason over emotion. You want this woman then take her. You don’t want her then move on.”

  “Watch your tone.”

  “Ever the autocrat. So much like your father.” She turned to me, a strange light entering her gaze. “Your life is your own, Damian. You don’t have to continue like this. You can make different choices than those of Grigor’s.”

  “My life has never been my own.” I didn’t state this with bitterness. Simply matter-of-factly. “I abide by my duty.”

  It was true. Only my strange affection for Risa threw it all out of balance.

  “Your duty is compromised. I know about the surveillance, Damian. You’re not in danger of discovery any more. There’s no need to keep watch over her.”

  Clenching my jaw, I heard the censure in her voice. I knew I earned it.

  “It’s not too late, Damian. Risa still loves you. She will follow you anywhere. You can use her emotion for you to keep her in line. She’s easy to control. Do it.”

  Elaine’s dispassionate logic mirrored mine. Yet, hearing it caused me to mentally flinch. One of my talents laid in using words as a velvet weapon. I could get anyone to do anything I wanted just by saying the things they truly wanted to hear and believe.

  I could do it to Risa. Easily.

  Temptation snapped its jaws.

  “I’m not interested in manipulating her.”

  “You’ll do it anyways, Damian, because you can’t help yourself.”

  The words fell from her lips not as a warning, but a statement. One I couldn’t refute or deny. That truth was everything wrong with me and a reminder of why I wanted to change for Risa.

  Why I would change for her.

  I turned on the engine.

  “Do you need a lift to your hotel?”

  “No. I’m going back to the airport.”

  “Why did you come here in the first place?”

  “You know the answer.”

  She opened the door and got out. Her car pulled up in front of mine. I watched as she got in and drove away.

  I did know the answer. Elaine’s first and only loyalty belonged to me. She smoothed my path back to Risa’s loving embrace for a reason.

  All I had to do was take what I wanted.

  I could keep Risa, make her my mistress. We’d have an arrangement similar to what I had with Gretchen. Risa could stay here and I’d be in New York. I’d fly her up every other weekend. Take her on an extended trip once a quarter.

  Eventually, the love I felt for Risa would extinguish. I’d realize it was lust after all.

  Picking up my cell, I made the call I’d avoided since Risa left New York.

  “Sir.”

  “Cease surveillance immediately. Get your men out of Denver now.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  I made my choice.

  Now I had to live with it.

  51

  RISA

  My heart felt stuck in my throat as I approached the front desk. It wasn’t too late to turn around and walk out of here. Damian would never even know.

  “Good evening. How may I help you?”

  “I’m here to see Damian Black-Price. Can you please call his room and tell him Risa Kelly is here?”

  I was so nervous I felt lightheaded from it. I was all ready to fight for Damian one last time, but that wouldn’t do me any good if he turned me away.

  Blood drummed loudly in my ears. I almost missed the clerk’s smooth “Mr. Black-Price’s security will escort you to his suite shortly.”

  “Thank you.”

  A member from his team greeted me in seconds. “This way, Miss Kelly.”

  We entered an empty elevator and then before I knew it I was standing in front of a set of double doors. The man opened it and I walked in slowly, dimly hearing the doors close behind me.

  Was I really ready for this?

  No, but I have to try.

  Damian stood there, hands in pockets and handsome face wiped of all expression. I unfurled like a flower reaching for t
he sun. My gaze consumed him, hungry for the sight of him. Like always, his male beauty slayed me in the best kind of way.

  Black slacks, white shirt open at the neck, no tie. Perfect.

  Warmth centered in my heart as love. Lust centered much lower. My nipples tightened painfully as every cell in my body came alive. Desire for Damian urged for me to walk up to him and kneel at his feet.

  Would he always have this kind of effect on me?

  “I must say this is a surprise, Risa.”

  Time to fight. This is the last battle so make it worth it.

  “That’s my line.”

  He cocked his head. “How so?”

  “You’re here in Denver. Why?”

  His eyes remained flat, lifeless even. I noted the shadows marring the skin beneath his remarkable eyes. My fingers twitched from the urge to wipe the fatigue away.

  I didn’t have the right to question him about the amount of sleep he’d had, or to force him to take better care of himself, but I wanted to.

  Badly.

  A faint, patronizing smile landed on his lips.

  “That’s none of your concern, Risa. What are you doing here? I made it clear I was not to see you ever again.”

  His cold words shafted my heart. Dread and disappointment wrapped their bitter vines around me. Elaine was wrong. Damian clearly wasn’t here for me at all.

  “Damian fights a battle within himself. You are the reason and the victim.”

  No. My fear was trying to reassert itself. I wouldn’t let it.

  I trusted Elaine enough to come to Damian’s suite. If this was my last battle for our love, I wasn’t going to do this halfway. I wasn’t going to hold anything back. What Damian ultimately did was up to him, but at least I’d know I gave it my all.

  I wouldn’t have regrets after tonight.

  “You didn’t have to let me up.”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “But you did. Why?”

  “Gossip, Miss Kelly. Better I let you in here than risk you creating a scene in the lobby.”

  Damian’s fangs were showing. He wanted to hurt me into retreating. I had to tread softly lest I risk him ripping me to shreds.

  “Very smart. You made the right decision.”

  My cool answer seemed to catch his attention and surprise.

  “Is that why you’re here, Risa? Did you have more to say to me that you didn’t cover last time in the hotel?”

  “Yes. I do.”

  His jaw clenched. The corners of his mouth tightened. His hooded gaze bore into mine.

  “Then by all means let me have it.”

  I inhaled deeply and stepped forward until I was within arms’ reach of him.

  “I didn’t sleep with you in New York because I wanted to manipulate you or because I wanted your money. I slept with you because I love you, Damian.

  “I’ve loved you far longer than you know. I miss you. Every single day I think of you. Not always nicely. But I think of you. I worry about you working too hard. I worry about your health. I worry because I love you.

  “I want you to be happy with me, but if you can’t do that, then I want you to know your happiness is what matters to me. With or without me.”

  There. He had my heart in the palm of his hand. Damian could crush it or take it.

  “You don’t love me, Risa. You’re simply infatuated. Sex between us didn’t help. Time will cure you of it.”

  “That’s all you have to say?”

  Damian shrugged. The careless action chipped away at my bravado.

  Frustration bled into my tone. “Why are you trying so hard to push me away? Why can’t you just accept my love for you? Even if you don’t feel it in return, you don’t have to act as if I’m betraying you by having feelings for you.”

  Another blast of cold.

  “You don’t want me to answer that.”

  “I do.”

  “I’m pushing you away because I don’t want you.”

  Fatal wound. Damian never lied. Why would he start now?

  “Damian fights a battle within himself. You are the reason and the victim.”

  “I see.”

  I wanted to believe Elaine. Truly, I did. But I was helpless to my tears just as I was helpless to reach him.

  He wouldn’t relent even with me standing right here.

  Damian closed the distance between us. His thumbs brushed away my tears. Although his face was blank, he reminded me softly, “You were going to forget me, Risa. You should keep that promise.”

  52

  DAMIAN

  I shouldn’t have touched her.

  But how could I keep my façade intact when she looked up at me with those beautiful dark eyes in so much pain?

  The irony didn’t escape me.

  I liked inflicting pain but not this kind.

  Elaine was right. It would be criminally easy to take advantage of Risa’s love. A nudge here, a soft caress there, and she would be mine for the keeping.

  I had all the power.

  “I don’t want to forget about you, Damian. Not like this.”

  Sweet little girl. I have to hurt you one more time, understand? One more time for your own good.

  “You moved on rather quickly, didn’t you?”

  She shook her head, body tense as if waiting for the death blow.

  “No.”

  “Yes,” I drawled. “Think really, really hard.”

  “I don’t know what you mean. I moved here because I wanted a fresh start. Not because I moved on from you.”

  Seeing the incomprehension stamping her lovely face, I unsheathed my anger.

  “Risa, you don’t have to lie to me. I don’t care about the reasons.”

  Why did she have to be so goddamned trusting and innocent? Couldn’t she see and respect my sacrifice?

  I’d made the decision to let her go. Completely. Why was she here now? Were my sins so grave that the universe conspired to rub my loss in my face?

  “You went out with the boss’s nephew tonight. One Steven Morris Holland. Remember him?”

  Risa took a step back. Wariness replaced the grief in her eyes.

  “I can explain.”

  I let my love for her sink into hatred. I needed the fuel to push her away for good. Otherwise, there was no telling what I was capable of when it came to Risa…

  “There’s nothing to explain. You can see whoever you want. Your actions tonight are simply proving my point. You’re no different than any other woman. You’re attracted to power, Risa. You’ve probably done this at every job you’ve had.”

  “No!” She yelled the word in defiance. “Don’t you dare! I’ve only loved you, you hard-hearted bastard!”

  I shook my head, clucking my tongue in false pity.

  “Now are those the sweet words of a woman in love? I think not.”

  “Damian, please don’t believe this of me—”

  “Risa, for the love of God! Have some sense of dignity! This isn’t a negotiation. I am offering you a way out—take it.”

  I shouldn’t have said that. It shaved too close to my truth. Risa, thankfully, didn’t pick up on it.

  “You’re right. I should have some sense of dignity. Pride.” Her painful smile slid into me like a needle. “But I won’t.”

  “Why?”

  She took the barked question in stride.

  “Because there’s no room for dignity and pride when it comes to love, Damian. I thought I could love you and still keep a part of myself intact. You taught me otherwise. I should hate you for that alone, but I don’t. Right or wrong I’m open to you, Damian. No barriers. Nothing to hide.”

  Her noble vulnerability humbled me.

  I’d never experienced a love this pure and perfect. My heart yearned to meet her halfway, no. All the way.

  To extend a sacrifice equal to Risa’s.

  “Damian, I love you. Now and always. There’s nothing you can do to kill my feelings for you.”

  She licked her lips and sw
allowed hard. Instinct told me the next words would change the course of both our lives.

  Suddenly, I wanted to slap one hand over her mouth. I never feared anything, but I lived in fear of Risa.

  Of what she could do to me and what I would eventually do to her.

  “Stop talking and leave.”

  “I’m sorry, Damian. I can’t do that. Not until I tell you.”

  “I don’t want to hear it.”

  My denials sawed into her. Risa’s gaze dulled with pain but resolutely she kept going.

  “You are the first man I’ve ever loved, Damian. The only one I’ve ever loved. I love you still. Even now. I’m not asking for you to love me back. Not yet. I just want you to know that I’m yours. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. If you want me to go, I’ll go. If you want me to wait, I will. If you want me to move on and never contact you again, no matter what, I will do that too.”

  She got down on her knees.

  Panic burned me. She couldn’t do this. I wasn’t strong enough to deny her when she was on her knees. It was like waving raw meat in front of a wolf. I’d devour her offering and her too.

  “Risa, get up. Now.”

  She ignored me, apology clear in her face.

  “I’ll do whatever you want me to do, Damian, because I love you. Should I stay with you or should I go and never return? Tell me what to do and I’ll obey you.”

  My perfect pure control disappeared in a flood. It was over.

  God help Risa because I sure as hell couldn’t do it anymore.

  53

  RISA

  Damian lost control.

  I’d never seen him this enraged with me. Not when I left him the first time around and not when he thought I’d broken the window to either slice my wrists open or throw myself out of the third floor.

  I’d welcome that over this.

  “Get the fuck up off your knees, Risa! Right fucking now!”

  I shook my head. He cursed again, large form looming over me with rage etched deeply in his face. I should’ve been terrified being the center of his wrath.

  I wasn’t.

  Perversely, I was happy.