My Love Regret

by Anna Antonia

  Despite his previous attitude, Damian wasn’t immune to my emotions. He wouldn’t be so enraged otherwise.

  I couldn’t break. I had to be brave.

  My courage took a hit when Damian fisted his hand in my hair and pulled me up brutally. I yelled from the sharp sting and wrapped my hands around his. He shook me once and then got in my face.

  “What the fuck do I have to say to make you understand? Do you want me to hurt you? Is that what your love for me really is about, little girl? A way to hurt and be hurt? It’s what you like, isn’t it?”

  “No!”

  My tears ran faster, slicing into me like Damian’s fury.

  “Don’t lie. You crave it.”

  “It’s not just about sex. My love for you is real.”

  His eyes narrowed with unbelievably cruel calculation.

  “You love me only because I won’t love you back. You treated Gretchen as if she was the intruder when it was you all along. You covet what’s not yours to have, Risa. It’s an ugly trait you should work to eradicate.”

  The unfairness of his accusations burnt through me like acid. I wasn’t the kind of woman he made me out to be.

  If only I could tell him the complete truth about us. If only I could tell him about how he lied to me about who he was, how he kidnapped me, chained me to a bed, and kept me prisoner.

  You wouldn’t be able to look down your nose at me then, would you?

  Instead, he’d worship the ground I walked on because I managed to hold onto my love for him in spite of everything.

  Even now when he was working so hard to strip me to my core and diminish my emotions for him.

  “Stop trying to hurt me, Damian. I won’t let you do it.”

  His fingers tightened, forcing me on tip-toe. “You mean like this? Don’t you like it when I hurt you, little girl? Isn’t that why you’re really here?” Damian leaned closer and nuzzled my cheek with his lips. “Tell me.”

  Answering in a broken sob, I cried, “I’m here because I love you!”

  “Stop saying that.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Lying little bitch! You promise me obedience and then you defy me at every turn.”

  “I’ll obey the answer to my question.”

  Damian snarled, “What if instead I give you my cock tonight? What if I put you back on your knees and make you suck me off? You’d like that, Risa. I know you’d suck my cock and swallow my come better than any whore could.”

  Letting go of him, I covered my ears. His ugliness poisoned me. I didn’t know how to fight back, how to make him stop.

  One day you’ll be sorry.

  I repeated the words silently, over and over again.

  Damian let go of my hair only to yank my hands down. His fingers dug into my wrists.

  “What if I told you to take off all your clothes and get face down on the ground? Would you spread your cheeks for me? Would you obey me then, Risa? Would you beg for me to fuck that tight little pussy? If you beg me nicely I’ll stretch you on my cock and fuck you until you scream. And I won’t stop. I’ll use you thoroughly, Risa. I bet the thought makes you wetter than you already are, doesn’t it? But you’re fucking it up royally, little girl, by trying to trap me with your love. Stop it.”

  So, so ugly.

  “You can’t make my love dirty. I won’t let you.”

  Damian continued as if I hadn’t said anything at all.

  “What will happen if I pull down your pants, Risa? Will you soak my hand? I bet you will. If I finger you until you come, you’ll suck my fingers clean and ask for more. Won’t you, sweet girl?”

  I wouldn’t let myself fall into the vicious tale he wove. I wouldn’t let him use my lust against me even though I couldn’t stop the carnal visions.

  Because I would do every dirty thing he mocked me with.

  “Cat got your tongue, baby girl? That’s okay. You just listen. I’ll make you beg for it, Risa. I’ll fuck your little mouth just to shut you up. Once I get tired of feeling that then I’ll finally give you want you want. You’ll drain me dry, taking my big cock into that sweet tight pussy. You’ll moan for me then, wouldn’t you?”

  Unable to hide my trembling from him, I lifted my chin and didn’t hide the affect his words had on me.

  “I’d be your perfect little slut, Damian.”

  Damian scented my neck. Soon I felt his tongue lick a delicious path from my throat to my ear.

  “Yes, you would.”

  “I’d happily do whatever you wanted me to. I’d be yours completely.”

  “Silly girl. You give what isn’t required. Just stop talking to me about your love and then I’ll give you what you really want.”

  His teeth bit my earlobe hard enough to sting.

  I let out a soft cry. “I will but only if you answer me.”

  He drew back. Anger, resentment, and lust burnished his bright orbs. Pushing him was dangerous but I had to do it.

  It was the only chance we had to make it through.

  He wrapped one hand around my neck, holding me firmly in place.

  “I don’t have to answer you. I just have to fuck you long enough for you to forget all about this.”

  “I love you, Damian. I won’t ever forget.”

  “And why not?” His fingers tightened.

  “Because I know you’re scared. You’re scared of letting yourself love me. I just don’t know why.”

  Damian shoved me so hard I almost fell to the ground.

  “I am not scared of you.”

  Even though my heart slammed against my chest in nauseating thuds, I dared him.

  “Then prove it.” I took one step towards him. Damian took two back. “Answer me. Tell me you love me, hate me, or never want to see me again. It doesn’t matter as long as it’s the truth.”

  Damian lunged. He grabbed me by the arms, lifted me up, and held me against the nearest wall.

  “Why the hell are you pushing so hard, Risa? Just fucking let it go.”

  “Answer me.”

  He dropped me and slammed his fist into the wall.

  “Leave it alone goddammit!”

  I should’ve been terrified of Damian, of this man who I’d never seen lose control in this way. His chest heaved like he’d run a marathon. The skin around his mouth and eyes were white while the rest of his face looked gray.

  Cautiously, I reached up and covered his fist with my hand.

  “You don’t have to be angry. You don’t have to try to scare me. I won’t run away from you anymore. Not ever again. Just tell me, Damian. Tell me and set me free. Please.”

  Damian let a hoarse cry. He then forced my chin up and kissed me, groaning my name as his lips devoured me.

  “Risa…fuck! What are you doing to me?”

  Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pushed up on my tip-toes, desperate for his strong body to completely cover mine.

  “Answer me, Sir,” I whispered thickly against his open mouth. “Please, please answer me.”

  “Ssh, Risa.” Damian fisted both hands in my hair. As always, he kissed me like I was oxygen and he was dying to breathe.

  Every time I tried to ask him again, Damian’s tongue and lips stopped me. When my legs went out from underneath me, he was there to pick me up.

  I wanted to take his kiss as an answer. I wanted so badly to believe that every suck and every slide of his tongue was a promise to never, ever let me go again.

  But experience was a hard mistress.

  Damian’s fingers dug into my thighs as he lifted me higher. I wrapped my legs around his lean waist, locking my ankles together. Pleasure beyond compare flooded my system.

  Time passed and it didn’t. Loving Damian, feeling his tongue against mine, inhaling our shared breath, all of it felt like forever.

  We finally broke apart but he couldn’t resist giving me soft kisses.

  Stroking his handsome face, I asked him one more time to please, please answer me.

  Damian shook his head. �
�Don’t, Risa. Just don’t.”

  “I have to.” My lips brushed across his mouth, chin, and cheeks. “Please understand it’s the only way either of us will ever be free.”

  He set me down on my feet gently. His hands smoothed down my arms until our fingers intertwined.

  “You already know my answer, Risa.”

  Blood rushed loudly in my ears. I knew the risks before I came here. Numb acceptance settled on my shoulders like a permanent weight.

  “Tell me.”

  Pity glimmered in his gaze. Damian brought my hands up and kissed my fingers with reverence.

  “I need you to hate me for a reason.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You should.”

  “Why, Damian? Why don’t you want my love? What is so wrong with it that you can’t allow yourself to take this further?”

  He closed his eyes. His words were emotionless but his expression was anything but.

  “Understand me clearly—I will never allow myself to love you, Risa.”

  It was over. I lost Damian for the final time.

  And that was when I learned what this was all really about.

  54

  DAMIAN

  I got what I needed, but not what I wanted. Never that.

  Risa closed her eyes. A soft sad smile touched her beautiful lips. I mourned knowing I’d never taste them again.

  This was my final act in taking care of my sweet little girl.

  Condemned to a hell of my own kindness, I accepted Risa would eventually lose her love for me.

  She’d be free from me and I would have to take solace in knowing she’d find the happiness she so richly deserved.

  Would it all be worth it? I believed so.

  Permanently hollowed out, I watched her open her eyes. They were dry, clear even.

  My heart swelled with pride for Risa.

  That’s the way of it, little girl. No tears for me. I don’t deserve them. Forget me. Let it be as if I never existed.

  Love.

  How much better our lives would had gone if we never knew such an emotion existed?

  Yet, I didn’t regret one moment of Risa. I’d take the bad with the good because for the first time in my life I’d known what it was like to really be alive.

  Memories were all I’d have of this beautiful girl and I’d treasure them until the day I died.

  55

  RISA

  “I prayed every day in Switzerland for you to come back to me. I wanted you better. I didn’t care if you were in a wheelchair or incapacitated just as long as you were alive.

  “When you didn’t remember me, I felt like the gods played me dirty. I was so angry. Now I understand. It was a lesson I had to learn. Love isn’t about winning or losing.”

  “Then what is it about?” Damian asked softly, his focus completely on me.

  Did I know something he didn’t? Would he use what he learned tonight on Gretchen or someone else?

  It hurt but I accepted it. This was just part of what I had to learn.

  “It’s about loving someone without getting anything in return. It’s about me being able to tell you that I truly love you and thank you so much for letting me experience it through you. Although I wish it wasn’t so short, I’ll treasure my time with you forever.”

  Damian’s eyes widened. Something inscrutable slid across his expression.

  “I see.”

  Regret tried to pull me down, but I wouldn’t let it. We loved each other once, for far too brief of a time, but circumstances changed that. Even so, the emotions we felt were real.

  Imperfect, messy, and out of control but beautifully real nonetheless.

  I couldn’t try to keep Damian in the prison of my memories. He was a different man now than the one I knew then.

  I had to release him.

  Maybe one day, in a different life, we’d come across each other again. Hopefully, there’d be a glimmer of recognition, maybe a sense of coming home.

  I’d pray the future Risa and Damian would try again. Perhaps their path would run smoother because of now.

  The ember of hope was all I had left. Just hoping that in another time and another place, I’d have the chance to start over again with Damian made all this hurt a little less.

  I let go of his hands. I couldn’t minimize the pain branding every part of my body. I didn’t even try. I accepted it as another facet of my love for Damian Black-Price.

  “Thank you for seeing me tonight. Please take care of yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep, okay?”

  Damian frowned. “Risa, you’re not supposed to take care of me.”

  Another push. No pull.

  “You’re right. Worrying about you is a habit I’ll have to break.” I took in a shaky breath. There wasn’t anything else to say but the last thing. “Goodbye, Damian.”

  I walked around him, birthing a metamorphosis between agony and joy in my heart.

  Damian wasn’t a man of many words and I didn’t expect him to change now, but it would’ve been nice if he’d said something that I could’ve taken with me.

  Some bit of kindness or affection.

  He didn’t say anything. He simply followed me to the doors and stood there while I walked alone to the elevator.

  Damian’s gaze remained on me, even while I stood with my back to him.

  My eyes burned with unshed tears. Tonight I learned love given freely was a beautiful experience. I’d also learned it hurt worse than anything I’d ever suffered before.

  Worse than learning Damian wasn’t the man I believed him to be.

  Worse than learning Damian was exactly the man I believed him to be.

  A conundrum I embraced nonetheless.

  The doors slid open and I stepped inside. Pushing the button, I didn’t allow myself to look at Damian. I was afraid I’d undo all my learning and run right back to him.

  Thankfully, my shoe chose in that moment to pinch my heel uncomfortably. Leaning with one hand against the wall, I slipped it off and flexed my foot.

  The doors closed, giving me just enough time to look through the narrowing space and see Damian’s hand lift up, as if in a wave. I closed my eyes.

  Goodbye, my love.

  56

  DAMIAN

  The avalanche overtook me in seconds.

  It hammered against my skull, blasting through the catacombs of my memories.

  Switzerland. No. Further back. A time I couldn’t pinpoint and a place that didn’t make sense.

  “It didn’t have to turn out this way, Risa, but I’m glad that it did. You’ll understand sooner than later.”

  “It didn’t have to turn out this way, Damian? Really?”

  “No, it didn’t.”

  “I think you’re lying to me. I think this would’ve happened no matter what I did because you’re obviously a sick bastard.”

  “I know this is…disconcerting…but the rules still apply. You are to behave like a lady, Risa.”

  Risa. Chains. France.

  France?

  How could that be? Risa was my PA, recently hired. Why would I have her in France, much less chained up? That hit too close to my depraved fantasies. It couldn’t be real.

  “You’ve got to be joking! A gentleman would never do this to a lady.”

  “I never promised to be a gentle man.”

  “But you want a lady.”

  “I want you.”

  “Do you do this with every girl?”

  “No. Just you. Only you, Risa. Always you.”

  I was always careful to be civilized, to hold the dark legacy of my ancestry at bay. I wasn’t a criminal by nurture but it was definitely in my nature. Why would I have risked exposure?

  The images couldn’t be true. Surely they were wrong…

  “Why did you do this then, Damian?”

  “Because we’re not finished and I won’t let you go until then.”

  “I didn’t know you ever cared that much.”

  “Well, you�
�re wrong. I do care. I care very much, Risa. So I’m not about to let you destroy what we have.”

  “It’s all about control, isn’t it? You can’t stand that I ended it first. You have to be the one to throw the girls out. No one else has that right, is that it? Well you know what, Damian? Fuck you!”

  The last time Risa told me to fuck myself I nearly fucked her on my office couch. A phone call was the only thing that kept me from sinking deep inside her…

  “You need the words.”

  “Yes, I need the words.”

  “Fine but don’t forget. You asked for this.”

  “What? Damian, what?”

  “Stay here. Not an inch, Risa, or I’ll have to chain you again.”

  My gaze remained fixated on Risa and her delicate foot. More memories flooded through the growing cracks.

  I’d seen that before. But when?

  Something sharp burned in my temple. It hurt so fucking bad I needed to touch it, to see if blood was pouring out of the wound. The elevator doors were sliding shut as I raised my arm.

  The fragments molded whole, revealing everything I’d forgotten.

  The world I thought I knew disintegrated. The truth was really a lie. Risa and I were lovers. No. We were more than that.

  “Words again, Risa?”

  “Yes. Words again.”

  “Because I want forever with you, Risa.”

  “Forever?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re not exaggerating?”

  “No.”

  “Are you asking me to—”

  “Risa!”

  I ran to the elevator but it was too late.

  Fuck!

  My body ran hot and cold.

  I remembered everything.

  Risa had been by my side all this time and I’d betrayed her in the cruelest of ways. I’d turned to Gretchen, used her presence as a buffer, and degraded the only woman I loved in the process.

  Dying by a thousand memories, I saw every single time I hurt Risa.

  Each time I accused of her trying to use me or come in-between me and Gretchen.

  Each time I diminished her and her feelings.

  Each time I broke her heart.

  And worse, I believed I was being noble with my callousness.

  Breaking out into a sweat, I ran my hands through my hair. Unable to focus on any one point, I paced in the hall. My security looked at me askance, but it didn’t matter.