Remembering 1942

by Liu Zhenyun

  “That’s the last thing I’d do,” Fatty said tearfully. “I just slow down when I’m nervous.”

  “But you were able to do it in the past.”

  “That was then. I don’t know what’s happening to me, but I just don’t have the energy.”

  Wang Di, who slept next to Fatty, said privately, “Fatty must be sick. He breathes hard at night and even foams at the mouth.”

  When I overheard the comment, I mentioned that to Li Shangjin.

  “Did he have any health problems before?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  Fatty did even worse later. He was still fumbling in the barracks when we left to catch spies; he tried to catch up with us, but we didn’t see him even after we returned to camp.

  “Looks like he’s really sick,” Li Shangjin said.

  “He must have epilepsy.” That was Wang Di’s diagnosis. “Why else would he foam at the mouth? He stiffens when he hears the whistle. It must be epilepsy.”

  Li Shangjin took me aside. “That would be a big problem,” he said. “They would send him home, since the army can’t take anyone with that kind of health issue. A recruit who came with me was discharged because of the same problem.”

  I looked around. “We have to keep it a secret, Banzhang. He wouldn’t be able to face anyone back home if he was discharged after two months.”

  Li rubbed his chin, lost in thought.

  “Besides, his epilepsy doesn’t seem too bad,” I said. “He didn’t show any symptoms during our first two months, and it only acts up once in a while. So it’s obviously an intermittent problem. We have to cover for him.”

  “Well, I guess that’s all we can do,” Li said. “You help him out when we have another emergency muster, all right?”

  I nodded.

  Fatty was dripping wet. Even his backpack was wet when he finally emerged in the dark.

  “So you made it back,” Li said.

  “And you did it all on your own,” Wang said sarcastically.

  Still panting hard, Fatty couldn’t respond.

  I sought him out the next day around noon. “Do you have epilepsy?”

  “We grew up in the same village, so you know I don’t.”

  “But I remember your father did.”

  He looked down without a word.

  “The army will send you home if you show any symptoms.”

  “I didn’t mean for it to happen.” He began to weep. “I wanted to do my best.”

  “Don’t worry.” I looked around before telling him what Li Shangjin had said the day before. I told him to make sure it didn’t happen too often and offered my help during night fall-outs.

  “You and the squad leader are good men.” He gave me a grateful look. “I’ll never forget you. If I become the army commander’s driver—”

  “Just be a good person, no matter what you do, and that’s enough.”

  He nodded.

  I then talked to every soldier in the squad to make sure they kept his secret. When we fell out at night, I told him to focus on getting dressed while I helped him with his backpack, and we walked out with him in the middle so he wouldn’t stand out.

  Two weeks went by and nothing happened. Li Shangjin and I were relieved. To show his gratitude to everyone in the squad, Fatty worked doubly hard, keeping the floor clean during rest periods and bringing in water for everyone to wash up, even going so far as to squeeze out toothpaste for us. He worked up a sweat, a pitiful sight to behold.

  “Take a break, Fatty,” I said to him.

  “I’m not tired.” He pretended to look energetic.

  We thought everything was going well, but then a snitch in the squad reported Fatty’s problem to company headquarters. Ordered to conduct an investigation, our platoon leader gave up his nap that day and sprawled on his desk to write a letter. After crumpling up a few sheets of paper, he called Li Shangjin and me over to the Ping-Pong room.

  “Are you aware that Li Sheng’er has epilepsy?”

  Li and I exchanged a knowing look, but we gave a vague answer. “We haven’t heard that.”

  “You haven’t?” He slammed his letter down on the table. “Someone reported that to company headquarters.”

  “Who?” I asked

  “So you want to know who did it, eh?” He glared at me.

  I looked down without saying a word.

  “Well, well. I thought everything was fine in your squad, but you’re hiding an epileptic from me to get me into trouble. Why didn’t you tell me before?”

  “We never saw him having any problem.” Li made a courageous attempt.

  “We’re from the same village,” I added.

  “You’re still not going to come clean, is that it?” The platoon leader said. “We’ll know when I send him for an examination at the hospital tomorrow. I’ll deal with you after that.”

  Having been lectured to, when we left the room, we wondered, “Who’s that snitch? Why did he sell out a comrade like that?”

  Neither of us said it but we both guessed it had to be Wang Di, who hadn’t gotten along with Fatty to begin with. Wang was likely to bear a grudge after Fatty replaced him as a key cadre. Besides, as the “backward element” in the squad, he loved to stir up trouble, so he would not likely pass up a ready-made opportunity to add fuel to the fire. He had to be our snitch, a feeling that was reinforced when we went back and saw him laughing and singing.

  “We’ll deal with him later,” I said to Li, knowing we couldn’t do anything to him, because his action was considered progressive at company headquarters. We could only feel sorry for the gaunt, sallow-faced Fatty, who was worried sick as he waited for his fate to be determined the next day.

  A three-wheeled motorcycle took him to the field hospital early the next morning, and he didn’t return until the evening. We knew he’d be discharged the moment we saw his sad face; he would no longer be a key cadre and could never drive for the army commander.

  He began to cry when he got off the motorcycle. “We’re from the same village, aren’t we?” He took my hand and continued. “I don’t know who ratted on me. We came here like brothers. What turned us into enemies?”

  “Fatty.” That was all I could say.

  “How am I going to face people back home?”

  “What’s the big deal if you have to go home? You’d only be throwing grenades if you stayed,” Wang said before swaggering off.

  We shook with anger. As if it weren’t enough to rat on Fatty, he had to make that kind of remark to Fatty’s face. I was so outraged I could only point at Wang’s back and say, “Why you—Wang Di!”

  “I’m so sorry, Fatty,” Chief said as he went up to take Fatty’s hand. “We’re both key cadres and all we want is for the squad to look good. We never imagined something like this could happen.” He too started to cry.

  We sat around Fatty that night, as a sort of farewell. He stared blankly ahead; gone were his collar and cap badges.

  “Comrade Li Sheng’er hasn’t been in the army long, but we all witnessed how hard he worked. He was even a key cadre,” Li Shangjin said.

  “Comrade Li Sheng’er is an upright person with a broad mind, unlike some people who like to scheme behind others’ backs,” I said, casting Wang Di a glance. He was lying on his bunk.

  “I’m leaving tomorrow, and I’d like to ask your forgiveness for anything I did wrong in the past,” Fatty said.

  Some of the soldiers began to cry, when the platoon leader walked in to join us. He took out a pack of Daqianmen cigarettes and gave one to Fatty, something he’d never done before.

  “Don’t blame me, Sheng’er. It was an order from headquarters and I had no choice.” The platoon leader handed him a pair of rubber-soled shoes. “Here, for you to wear at home.”

  “I’m sorry I peed on you, sir.” Fatty wept again with the shoes in his arms.

  He left the next morning with the cook, who was going to buy pork. “Want me to take a message back to your family?” he asked before
getting on the truck.

  “No, thanks,” I said. “Go learn to be a bricklayer with my father if life is too hard in the village. I’ll write to him.”

  He nodded and tearfully climbed onto the truck.

  The truck drove off, but we didn’t turn to leave until it had disappeared from view. We had to practice grenade-throwing, but we weren’t in the mood. Looking around, I found them all despicable. Back home we had slept on the wheat thrashing ground together, but they turned rotten once we arrived. How could eighteen-year-olds change so fast?

  The call for another muster sounded.

  6

  Skill assessment got under way the day after Fatty left, to be followed by assignments, in which the skill assessment was a major component.

  I had a talk with Wang Di before the grenade-throwing assessment. I told him that, according to the squad leader, he wasn’t qualified for this assessment, since he was never able to throw thirty meters. Then I gave him a serious tongue-lashing, as a way to avenge Fatty.

  “The platoon and squad leaders both hold the view that you’re a loafer. You’re dragging down the performance of the whole squad and platoon. What are you going to do?”

  “How come I’m not qualified?” He was sweating. “How is that possible? And how do you know I’d fail?”

  “You failed with dummy grenades, so how do you expect to pass with the real thing? A live grenade will explode and who will take the blame if you’re killed?”

  “I didn’t feel any pressure with the dummies, but I might pass when throwing a real one.”

  “You think you’ll pass? You won’t, even if you do it twice. The squad leader and I have decided that you will not take the grenade test yet. First write a self-examination and analyze the ideological reason behind your half-hearted practice. You need to probe why you didn’t practice more.”

  “What do you mean I didn’t practice more? Look at that arm!” He threw his arm out before me and continued with a choking voice, “You’re just trying to torment me.”

  “What did you say?” I gave him a searing look. “That’s the problem with you. You don’t work hard, and when we ask you to reflect upon it because we care, you say we’re tormenting you. Do you expect us to give you a medal for failing grenade throwing?”

  He began crying so hard that snot flew.

  “If you have problems with me, tell me straight out. Don’t put tight shoes on me like that. We came here in the same van and you know me well. I know I’ve got a big mouth, but I’ve never made any major errors.”

  “I don’t know if you have or haven’t. The squad and platoon leaders told me to talk to you, and that’s what I’m doing. I’m not going to say anything else. I don’t want anyone to snitch on me at company headquarters. What if they kick me out too?”

  He stopped crying and glared at me. “What do you mean?” he demanded as he jumped to his feet and drew up close to me. “Do you think I had something to do with Fatty?”

  “Did I say that? Besides, it was considered progressive to report.”

  “Well, well. Now I see you do suspect me.” He pointed at me, his face crimson. “I don’t care if you do, now that our friendship means nothing to you. So this is what you think. I wouldn’t take the grenade throwing test now even if you asked me to.” He ran off.

  I was left standing there, confused. I told Li Shangjin what had happened when I returned to the barracks. “What if it wasn’t him?” I said.

  “Who else could it have been?” Li rubbed his chin. “There are only so many of us. I look around and he seems to be the likely one.”

  I went through them all, and Wang did seem the most logical one.

  “That’s it, then. Don’t listen to his excuses. He’s always been a bad egg, so it must have been him.”

  So that was that.

  “I want to talk to you about something else,” Li added.

  “What’s that?”

  “Do you think they’ll grant me party membership after basic training?”

  What was I supposed to say? “Don’t worry about it. Didn’t the deputy company commander say they would?”

  He nodded, but then said, “I’m just worried that the incident with Fatty will affect my chances.”

  “Fatty’s problem was his alone. Besides, they’ve discharged him, so how could it affect anyone else?”

  He nodded again but still looked worried. “I guess it’s all up to me. I must find a way to improve squad performance.” He got up from the bed and said, “Maybe we ought to let Wang Di take the grenade throwing test.”

  That surprised me. “But, didn’t you decide against it?”

  “He’ll get a zero if we don’t let hm. The squad will be affected if he gets a goose egg. Won’t the company commander want to know why someone in our squad got a zero?”

  Now I saw what he meant. “But it could be dangerous if he can’t make it past thirty meters.”

  “The live grenades are a few ounces lighter than the dummies, so he might make it.”

  “Then we’ll let him try.”

  “Yeah, that’s what we’ll do. We’ll tell the others to move back when he comes up.”

  So I went to tell Wang, but couldn’t find him anywhere. He must have gone off somewhere to mope. I went to the sand dune behind the drill ground, but he wasn’t there. I’d only said a few words about his performance, and now he was off somewhere sulking. Not a real soldier, I grumbled, when I noticed a dark shadow running in the distant open field, as I turned to head back. Under the crescent moon, it looked like Wang, so I walked over and called out to him. He didn’t respond. Now it was clear: he was running back and forth, practicing throwing a grenade. I was moved.

  “That’s enough, Wang Di. It’s late.”

  He continued, without a word.

  “That’s enough. The squad leader said you could take the test with live grenades.” I went up to drag him back and saw that he was drenched. One of his arms was so swollen it looked like rising dough. He shook off my hand, as if pouting, and continued to practice. Then he threw himself on the ground and cried his eyes out.

  “I wouldn’t have joined the army if I’d known it would be like this.”

  “No one is trying to bully you.” I felt terrible.

  It was time for the real thing, which would take place at the hill behind the firing range. With the pin ring looped through our pinkie, we’d run down the hill and throw the grenade, the ring still on our finger. A loud explosion would sound in the valley. We had to hit the ground right away, so as not to get hit by shrapnel. That would not be fun. The testing standard was thirty meters to pass, thirty-five for good, and over forty as excellent.

  Li Shangjin was first. A veteran soldier, he went up to do a demo and would not receive a score. As expected, his grenade went far, earning applause from everyone after it went off.

  “I’m out of practice.” He shook his arm. “I did fifty back when I was a boot.”

  “I want to be like you,” Chief said. “I want to do fifty.”

  I was second up and managed thirty-eight. “You’d have been excellent if you’d thrown it harder,” someone said, speaking for everyone else.

  “That was very good. We’ll be in fine shape if everyone does that well,” Li said.

  If everyone made it to “good,” the overall grade for the squad would be excellent.

  “All we have to manage is thirty-five. That shouldn’t be hard,” someone said.

  Two soldiers went up next, one good and one excellent, earning applause from us all.

  Then it was Wang Di’s turn.

  “Are you nervous, Wang Di? Take a break if you are,” Li said.

  Without a word, Wang held down the safety lever and looped the pin over his finger.

  “Be careful, Wang Di!” Li backed off in fright.

  Still without a word, Wang ran forward and tossed the grenade. We all flattened out on the ground.

  “My God! Is he suicidal or what?”

  An explos
ion sounded. We stood up and spotted Wang lying ahead of us.

  “Are you all right?” someone asked him.

  He didn’t reply; instead he got up, picked up a tape to measure the distance. Thirty-six! Impressive. We were happy for him.

  “That was good, Wang Di.” Li went up and thumped him on the arm. “So you’re cut out to throw live grenades!”

  “That was no big deal,” Wang said without looking pleased. “And you didn’t want me to do it.” He spun around and walked off.

  “I was worried about him,” Li said, feeling euphoric. “Who’d have thought he actually got a ‘good.’ Our squad will surely get excellent now.”

  The soldiers after Wang all got “good” or better, making Li so happy he took out a pack of cigarettes to share with everyone. The last one up was Chief, who had thrown farther than anyone at practice. He looked fully confident.

  “I’ll go over fifty,” he said with a cough.

  He went up after finishing his cigarette. We stuck our heads up from the bunker to watch him. While uncapping the grenade to put the ring over his finger, he suddenly spoke up,

  “Do I put the ring over my finger?”

  “That’s right,” Li said from the bunker.

  “But the fuse looks shorter.” Chief sounded worried. “It won’t go off too soon, will it?”

  “Don’t worry. The grenades are the all same.”

  We laughed. “So Chief is only good at the dummies,” someone jeered, as he ran forward. He raised his arm after a few steps and then we heard him shout, “Oh no. The fuse is too short. I can hear it ready to explode.”

  I stuck my head up and saw his arm go limp as the grenade left his hand. Oh no! It didn’t even travel twenty meters before there was smoke. Chief froze at the sight. Li Shangji leaped out of the bunker.

  “Hit the deck!” Li shouted as he threw himself on Chief. They fell in a heap when the grenade went off. We ran out after the explosion.

  “Are you all right?”

  Li rolled up and spat out dirt, his eyes glaring at Chief.

  “Did you have a death wish?”

  Chief sat up on the ground, still dazed, gazing blankly at the crater in front of him.

  “My fuse was too short,” he finally managed to say.