Remembering 1942

by Liu Zhenyun

  “Nonsense! You think the armory made one just for you?”

  The tape showed fifteen meters.

  We all felt sorry for him, particularly because he’d worked so hard. He rolled around the ground and sobbed.

  “I didn’t mean it. I wanted to do better. You all saw what I could do during practice, didn’t you?”

  Utterly deflated, Li waved and said, “That’s enough. I didn’t expect you to do worse than Wang Di. You panicked when handling the real thing.”

  That only made Chief cry harder.

  The test ended with that unhappy episode. We walked listlessly back to camp in single file. Wang Di was the only one in high spirits back at the barracks. He was humming a tune as he walked out with his rifle, saying he was going to practice for the next test.

  Chief didn’t sleep that night, for he had dark circles under his eyes the next morning. He stopped me by the toilet.

  “Will they take away my title as key cadre because of the incident?”

  “Don’t worry so much, just get ready for the next test,” I said. “They’ll keep you on as a key cadre.”

  He nodded before adding, “But what about my post assignment?”

  I had nothing to say about that. “I don’t know. I can’t tell you anything.”

  “I’ve let you down,” he said tearfully. “I’m a key cadre and I only managed fifteen meters.”

  “Don’t let that affect your marksmanship test.”

  “I’ll show you I’m not totally worthless.” He dried his tears and said with determination, “I’ll do better in the next test.”

  “That’s the right attitude. I believe you will.”

  He worked harder than anyone during target practice, lying there aiming his rifle even when the others were taking a break.

  Target shooting had three parts: two hundred meters prone, one hundred and fifty meters kneeling, and one hundred meters standing. Sixty was a passing grade, seventy was good, and anything above eighty was excellent. After a demo from Li Shangjin, three soldiers came up and all made it over seventy. One of them, however, cut his finger when it was caught in the safety. Li wrapped the man’s hand with a towel.

  “Very good,” he said. “That was good shooting. Go take care of that hand.”

  Wang Di was one of the next threesome. One of them got a passing grade while Wang and the other man both made it to excellent. It was dumb luck that Wang got exactly seventy, nearly missing one shot. The squad leader would have liked all three to get seventy, but he’d learned a lesson from the grenade throwing.

  “Passing is good enough, better than failing.”

  Carrying his rifle upside down, Wang took out a pack of cigarettes, picked one out, and lit it, without offering to share. But then, to our surprise, he crouched down and began to sob.

  “That’s enough, Wang Di,” I told him.

  “Don’t cry. You did well,” Li said.

  Three more came up, including Chief; Li and I were both nervous for his sake.

  “Be calm, Chief,” I said. “Pull the trigger slowly.”

  “Go ahead, do your best,” Li said. “You can take the credit if you do well, but it will be on me if you don’t.”

  Chief nodded gratefully, but his lips and hands were trembling.

  “Relax, Chief, take your time.”

  The platoon leader, who was watching us from a distance, shouted angrily, “What’s going on there? What are you waiting for?”

  The three soldiers got down for the first round, drawing cheers when they were done. Chief did well, hitting two nines and a ten.

  “Great, Chief. Keep it up.” Li and I were happy for him.

  Chief looked grim and said nothing. He got up, moved fifty meters forward with his rifle and knelt to shoot. Again he did well, getting an eight, a seven, and a ten. Another cheer erupted among us while we moved forward with him to the hundred meter mark. By then he was bathed in sweat.

  “I can’t see very well,” he said.

  “Only three more left. Just try to focus.”

  “The target is filled with holes. What if I hit someone else’s holes?”

  “Don’t worry. Even a crack shot couldn’t do that.”

  “The target doesn’t look straight. The ones ahead of me must have made it cockeyed.”

  “Are you losing your head again, like when you were throwing grenades?” Li was losing his patience.

  The platoon leader ran over with a flag and lashed out at Chief.

  “What’s matter with you? Why are you taking so much time? My arm’s getting sore holding the flag.”

  Chief and the other soldiers raised their rifles and began shooting. Li Shangjin and I were stunned to see that Chief missed two altogether and the third shot only got a six. When he recovered, Li got down to add up Chief’s score with a twig on the ground and came up with fifty-nine, a point shy of passing. Forgetting his promise, Li yelled at Chief, “Couldn’t you have tried harder and gotten the extra point?”

  When Chief finally came out of a daze, he said woodenly, “Didn’t I say I couldn’t see very well? But you didn’t believe me. See what happened?”

  “Enough!” the platoon leader said with irritation. “I knew you weren’t cut out for this. I bet you couldn’t see well when you were throwing the grenade either.”

  Chief opened his mouth, but a searing look from the platoon leader forced him to swallow his tears as he stared at the target with his rifle in hand.

  Our squad did not look very good when the two live-ammo tests were over. We didn’t pass because of Chief’s low scores, which made Li Shangjin sigh repeatedly.

  “We’re finished. It’s all over.”

  “We did pretty well with daily work and in our formations.”

  “We’ll have to wait and see how the other squads did.”

  All the squads in the company finished the tests two days later. Lucky for us, three other squads failed also, and Li and I could finally be a bit more at ease, though we couldn’t feel good about ourselves, since we hadn’t passed.

  Things began to change in the squad. With his low scores, Chief’s status as a key cadre was in jeopardy and others treated him differently, as had happened to Wang before. He felt bad and behaved like a maligned little mouse. He wrote a letter of resolution to show he would pick himself up, but there wasn’t much he could do, since basic training would be over in two weeks. Wang, on the other hand, was looking smug again after his performance with the grenade throwing and target shooting; he was forever humming a tune and constantly spewing sarcastic remarks about everyone else. Sometimes he sounded so blustery he didn’t seem to think much about Li or me. Offended by his insolence, Li and I had a talk about him, and concluded:

  “He did well with the tests but deep down he’s a bad character.”

  Under normal circumstances, Chief had to be replaced by Wang Di as a key cadre, but Li and I decided to speak to the platoon leader on Chief’s behalf.

  “There’s no need to change the key cadre now that basic training will be over in two weeks. Besides, Wang Di is so arrogant he’d revert to his petty bourgeois ways if he got to be a key cadre again. Remember last time, when he sent a notebook to the company commander? The others in the squad weren’t too happy about that. And he’s always badmouthing the platoon.”

  The platoon leader, who had been writing a letter, frowned as he read it before crumpling the sheet up and tossing it away.

  “What?” He turned to look at us. “What did you just say?”

  We repeated what we’d said, which he thought over with a frown.

  “Do what you want then.” He waved us away.

  Hence, no adjustment was made regarding the key cadre. After waiting a few days, Chief’s spirits rose when he realized he wouldn’t be replaced, and got active again; pulling out all the stops, he ran around all day, sweeping the floor, bringing in water for everyone to wash up, cleaning the toilet, and raking the pigpen. Wang Di, in contrast, lost some of his swagger when noth
ing had changed.

  Then came time for postings, a tense moment for everyone. Our hearts were in our throats, as we wondered where we would be sent, though, of course, it was pointless to think about it. One morning we were all called over to the drill ground to await an announcement for job assignments. Standing in formation, I could almost hear everyone’s heart beating wildly in their chests, as we craned our necks for the moment when we’d learn our fate. Before reading off his list, the political instructor gave a speech that could hardly get our attention; we began to whisper among ourselves the moment he finished, but immediately quieted down when he gave us a dirty look.

  We got terrible assignments because of our failing scores. Several were sent to man a boiler room, some to guard a warehouse, while some others were sent to a combat unit. Wang did better than any of us; he’d be going to army headquarters. He’d likely be sweeping floors and bringing water for his superiors, but it was, after all, a position at headquarters. In a way, he’d gotten Fatty’s dream job, which bugged us all. He’d done well on the tests, but he was a terrible soldier. When we were dismissed, someone asked the platoon leader about Wang’s assignment.

  “He has qualifications the rest of you don’t.”

  “Why?”

  “Headquarters wants someone who’s at least five-ten, and he’s the only one in our platoon.”

  That knocked us for a loop. There really was no telling how life would turn out for every one.

  Chief was the cause of the lousy assignments in our squad, and no one could bring himself to forgive him even though he’d worked so hard. In fact, Chief would be growing vegetables in the field, the worst assignment of all; he looked about to cry when he heard, but knew better and swallowed his tears.

  Wang was grinning broadly when we returned to the barracks, packing up his stuff and commenting to Chief, “Growing vegetables is pretty good. You’ll be close to the source of the good stuff.”

  Chief gave him a wordless look. Being assigned to the training corps, I didn’t do badly, but I felt bad for the others and Wang’s self-satisfaction only aggravated me even more.

  “You’ll be close to the source of good stuff too. You’ll be seeing the commander all the time, with plenty of opportunities to make reports.”

  “Why you—” Wang’s face turned bright red as he pointed a finger at me, looking to be on the verge of tears.

  A movie was shown that night, so we lined up to go to company headquarters to watch it. Chief sat on his bed as we were filing out.

  “Come see the movie, Chief.”

  He gave me a glazed look before saying. “I’d like to be excused.” Then he lay down with a blanket over him.

  “Chief is acting weird.” Li Shangjin took me outside. “Why don’t you stay and talk to him?”

  After everyone left, I dragged Chief out to have a talk in the desert.

  Spring was in full force, and there wasn’t a hint of chill in the wind blowing in our faces. A few rare blades of grass were struggling to sprout on the barren land.

  He looked lifeless and I couldn’t find the right thing to say, except to resort to cliché: “Your life is just beginning, Chief, so don’t lose your will to fight over a couple of setbacks.”

  He sighed and said, “The only thing that worries me is I signed up to be soldier but am ending as a vegetable farmer for the army.”

  “Ignore what Wang Di said. His assignment may look good, but he’ll be doing chores and running errands. It’s not that much better. Besides, he’s a damned snitch. It won’t take long for people to see through him.”

  He looked up at me wordlessly.

  “To be sure, your assignment isn’t the best, but you still fared better than Fatty. No one can forgive Wang Di when you think about how Fatty was discharged.”

  Out of the blue he put his arms around me, to my utter surprise.

  “I want to tell you something.” He was choking on tears. “But you must promise you won’t be upset with me.”

  “What is it?”

  “It wasn’t Wang Di who ratted on Fatty.”

  “Who else could it be if not him?”

  “It was me,” he said flatly.

  “You?!” Stunned, I struggled out of his arms and stared at him. “You? How could it be? Why did you do that?”

  He began to wail. “Fatty had his mind set on being the army commander’s driver. It sounded great to me, so I wanted that job. Back then, he and I were the key cadres and I thought I’d be the one if he wasn’t chosen. I snitched on him to eliminate the competition.”

  I could only stare at him.

  “Now I’m suffering retribution for my action.” He continued to sob. “Growing vegetables! What was the point of being a key cadre then?”

  “You, you …” I pointed a finger at him, struggling for words. “You’re so—that was really vile.”

  He burst into loud wails, sitting on his haunches.

  Neither of us said a word when he finally stopped.

  From the base in the distance came the sound of people talking, a sign that the movie was over.

  “Let’s go back,” I said to him.

  “Please don’t tell anyone,” he said timidly. “I told you because I trust you.”

  “So you wouldn’t have told anyone if you’d been selected to be the commander’s driver, is that it?” I glared at him.

  “I’d have felt really bad if I hadn’t told you.” He began to sob again.

  “You ought to feel bad; you’re a snitch.” I was relentless. “So we blamed the wrong person. Wang Di isn’t too bad after all.” I walked off without waiting for him.

  “Banfu!” he shouted after me, with a hint of despair in his voice.

  7

  On a Sunday shortly before the end of boot camp, we went shopping in Dadian, a market town that had sprung up near the army base. It had shops, a restaurant, and a few willows; everything else was desert. We bought notebooks as gifts for each other to commemorate the three months we’d spent together. On the cover page we wrote things that turned out to be pretty similar: “May our friendship last forever,” or “Best wishes for further advancement in life,” or “Here’s to mutual encouragement.” Then we exchanged notebooks. Chief, who was in a funk, walked around with his head down; he’d obviously been crying, for his eyes were puffy. But he bought a pile of notebooks, one for each member of the squad. On mine he wrote in his squiggly handwriting, “The road in life is not as even as Changan Avenue—a mutual encouragement with Banfu.” I knew what he meant as I recalled our conversation on the way back from Dadian.

  “I’ll be tending fields soon, Banfu,” he said after we’d walked in silence for a while.

  “Drop me a note when you can, all right?” I felt a sudden pang of sadness.

  He took a deep breath and said, “I have a favor to ask.”

  “What is it? I’ll do what I can.”

  “Please keep this between us. It’d be the end of me if others knew.”

  “You have my word.” I nodded.

  “I’m not going to give Wang Di a notebook,” he said after a pause.

  “It’s up to you who you give them to. Besides, I don’t think he’s giving anyone anything.”

  That was true; Wang Di returned from Dadian empty-handed, buying only some toffees that he put in his pocket. I saw him pop them into his mouth.

  “Wang Di is really weird. He was all about mutual encouragement with the company commander when he shouldn’t have been, but he refuses when everyone else is doing it. I guess we’re not good enough for him anymore now that he’s been assigned to army headquarters,” someone observed.

  “Encouraging my ass!” When he heard the comment, Wang Di spat out phlegm and toffee. “Everyone has treated me like an enemy during our three months together. What’s the encouragement for?” He took off running.

  No one knew how to respond to his outburst.

  We began packing that night, washing everything that needed to be cleaned. Li Shangjin w
alked in and out, looking agitated. I knew it was still about his party membership. Basic training was coming to an end but he hadn’t heard anything. He grabbed my hand while pacing the room when we were alone.

  “Basic training is nearly over, so how come I haven’t heard anything?”

  “Yes, it’s about time.” I had to agree with him. “I don’t know why either.”

  “Could the deputy company commander have lied to me?”

  I gave that question some thought. “A deputy company commander must mean what he says.”

  “I’m sick from all this waiting,” he said with a sigh.

  I went out with several squad members to do some cleanup the following morning. When we were done, I returned to the barracks and saw Li lying on his bunk. He was staring silently at the ceiling, which told me he was thinking about the same thing again.

  “Time to eat, Banzhang,” I said to him.

  Imagine my surprise when he jumped up, took my hand, and said, “It’s done. It’s a done deal.”

  “What’s done?”

  “You know.”

  “So they told you to fill out your application?” I was happy for him when I realized what he was talking about.

  But he gave me a disapproving look. “I can’t believe you don’t know. They want to talk to me before it happens. A headquarters messenger came to tell me the P.I. wants to see me after lunch. It has to be about that, doesn’t it? Why else would he want to talk to me if not for my admission to the party?”

  “That’s true.”

  He led me to a spot behind the door and opened his palm.

  “Take another look. What do you think? Look again.”

  It was the girl’s photo, of course. I had to take another look at the plump girl for his sake. “Not bad.”

  “It’s been a month since I last wrote her.” He sighed.

  “Now you can write her again.”

  “Later. I’ll do that tonight.”

  He pretty much inhaled his lunch at noon. When he finished, he wiped his mouth and smoothed his uniform at a mirror, before giving me a shy smile and taking off. He tiptoed back inside about twenty minutes later, during our afternoon nap.