Sarah touched his hand; his skin was rough and calloused and warm. “It’s okay. Addiction does crazy things to people, and this is how your family deals with what happened to Blaine. But it would have been easier knowing going in, and it would have saved a lot of heartache.”
He nodded. “I’m not one for doing a lot of talking.”
“You had no problem talking to me in Las Vegas.”
“Vegas was different.”
“Yes, it was.” Those two days had been a fairy tale. But once back in the real world, they couldn’t sustain the fantasy. “It was easy there. We could be what each other needed. Back in Seattle, not so much.”
His eyes darkened to a midnight-blue. “That’s—”
“The truth.”
Cullen didn’t say anything, but his chin dropped.
A nod of agreement? She couldn’t be sure.
“We’re been doing better now,” he said. “Talking. Trying.”
“Yes, but this isn’t real. I mean, I’m still recovering. It’s almost like I’m on vacation.”
“Like in Red Rocks.”
Disappointment squeezed her heart. She nodded. “But you’re not on vacation. You’re home. I realized Hood Hamlet’s real appeal to you tonight.”
Cullen’s gaze met hers.
Sarah’s pulse skittered.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“The community, the people. They’re one big extended family. You take care of one another and have each other’s backs, like your sisters had your mom’s with me. Or Leanne wanting to know about our marriage.”
“Or Hannah and Carly mentioning the volcano observatory in Vancouver wasn’t that far away.”
Sarah’s mouth gaped. “They didn’t.”
“They sure did.” Cullen sounded amused. “Much to Garrett and Jake’s dismay.”
“No wonder you found your way back to the kids and me.”
“I was afraid to stay in the living room any longer.”
She laughed.
“Maybe I should have listened to what they had to say. Because they’re right about one thing.” He raised her hand to his mouth and kissed it. “You belong here.”
Her heart stumbled.
“In Hood Hamlet,” he continued.
Sarah thought he was going to say with him. Hoped he would. But he didn’t. She ignored the disappointment. “I live in Bellingham. MBVI is there.”
“I live here.” He faced her, his gaze trapping hers. “We should be together.”
The poles shifted. Her world spun off its axis. Air rushed from her lungs. “Together?”
He nodded with a determined set to his jaw. “A couple.”
Surprise clogged her throat. It took a second to find her voice. “We already tried that.”
“We’re good together.”
“Sometimes.”
“That’s a start.”
If only... No. Too much separated them. Too high a wall to climb, too wide a river to cross. “We’re too different.”
A seductive fire blazed in his eyes. “Opposites attract.”
He leaned closer. His heat enveloped her.
She felt light-headed. “They can also repel.”
One side of his mouth lifted in a sexy grin. “We definitely attract.”
She struggled to breathe.
“I’ll prove it to you.” His lips swooped down on her. He kissed her hard until her toes curled, sparks ignited under her skin and she was gasping for air. “Enough of a data point, or do you need more?”
Oh, she had all the information she needed to make a conclusion. That brief but oh-so-hot kiss reminded her of the time they’d first met. His kisses had stripped her bare, leaving her naked and emotionally vulnerable and wanting another kiss. All her dormant fairy-tale fantasies had clamored to be heard.
But Sarah didn’t need to be rescued. She couldn’t fall under Cullen’s spell the way she had in Las Vegas. The way he’d—they’d—been acting tonight made it so easy to believe they could be a couple again, not the same as before, but like Hannah and Garrett or Carly and Jake. The way Sarah had always dreamed.
But how long would that last?
Her parents had abandoned her. Dylan, her ex-fiancé, too. She found it hard—okay, impossible—to believe Cullen would stay the distance. And when he left her...
She couldn’t let him make her believe in magic or happy endings. “I can’t.”
He stroked her cheek with his knuckle. “You’re going to have to give me more than that.”
That was what she was afraid he would say. “I’m tired.”
He wrapped a finger around a loose curl. “We can have this conversation lying down.”
Warning bells clanged in her head. “Cullen.”
“Nothing wrong with the horizontal position,” he said. “You used to like it.”
Loved it. Heat pooled low in her belly and spread outward, making her limbs feel like liquid silver. She swallowed.
“Come on.” He pulled her up from the couch and tugged her gently forward by a wayward curl. “Get ready for bed. Then you can tell me why you ‘can’t.’”
* * *
Can’t. Can’t. Can’t. The word echoed through Sarah’s head.
She was tired, but took her time in the bathroom. A mix of procrastination and nerves, each vying for victory. But she didn’t imagine there would be any winners tonight.
Apprehension coursed through her veins. She put her robe on over her pajamas. An extra layer of protection. Not from Cullen. From herself.
In her room she crawled into bed, then pulled the covers to her neck. She willed herself to sleep. Hard to talk if she was asleep.
Cullen entered the room wearing only pajama bottoms. His muscular arms and smooth chest and his defined abs made her mouth water. He looked as though he’d been sculpted to her specifications.
She itched to run her fingers over his skin, to feel his strength and his warmth. To have his hands touch her all over.
Sarah shivered with need.
He took a step toward her.
“I’m not having sex with you.” The words fell from her mouth like a glacier calving.
His lopsided, sexy grin appeared again. “Who said anything about having sex?”
The man was sex with a stethoscope. Well, if he had one with him. “Just setting some ground rules.”
“That’s rule number one. Any more?”
She narrowed her gaze. “Maybe.”
Laughter sparkled in his eyes. He turned off the light.
Darkness filled the room. She couldn’t see or hear him. As he stretched out beside her, the mattress dipped.
She tightened her grip on the blanket. “Stay on top of the covers.”
“Your wish is my command.”
Sarah gulped. That was what she was afraid of. Because she wanted him. Now. Here in his house. In this bed.
He cuddled against her.
Every muscle tensed. “What are you doing?”
“Getting comfortable for our conversation.”
That would be impossible for her to do. Even with the covers, a robe and pajamas separating them, she felt the warmth emanating from his body. And it felt good.
“So why can’t we be together?” he asked.
“You’re serious about having this discussion in bed?”
“You sound surprised,” he said. “Did you think I was going to put the moves on you?”
“Yes.” She’d hoped. And dreaded. And, well, she was about as confused as she could be right now.
He guffawed. “O, ye of little faith.”
“I have only past experience to go by.” She inhaled, then exhaled slowly. “That’s why I can’t be with yo
u. I’m no good at relationships.”
Sarah expected him to offer up a counterpoint. He didn’t. The crushing weight of disappointment settled on her chest.
The house creaked. The heater came on, shooting warm air through the vents. Outside the wind blew.
He brushed his fingers through her hair. “Why do you think that?”
She doubted he wanted to stay up all night to hear the long list of reasons. Might as well cut to the chase. “I haven’t told you much about my parents.”
“You said they’ve each been divorced multiple times and they’re no longer part of your life.”
Sarah remembered the last time she saw her mother. It still hurt to think about. “I was an only child, and my parents should have never had me. I think they regretted it. But one thing was clear. They didn’t care about me.”
“What do you mean?”
“They never wanted me around. After the divorce, they shuttled me back and forth.”
He pulled her closer. “That’s no way to treat a child.”
“No, but that’s what they did.” The numb tone of her voice matched the way she felt. Resigned. Indifferent. That was how she wanted to feel about what had happened. “I’ve never seen a successful relationship or experienced one. Only broken ones.”
“You saw two tonight at dinner.”
“A glimpse.” She shivered, and his arms tightened around her. “Being jilted and having my parents walk away has skewed my view.”
“You don’t have to tell me.”
“I want to.” She should have told him long ago. “I wanted you to talk to me, but I wasn’t so eager to do the same myself.”
“We both share the blame. I didn’t ask you a lot of questions,” he admitted. “So your folks...”
“My mom’s fourth husband made a pass at me. It’s something that had happened before with men she was dating, so I always kept myself scarce so I wouldn’t get hurt, but it had never happened with one of my stepfathers.”
Cullen brushed his lips over her hair. “I’m sorry it had to happen at all.”
“I told my mom because I was scared, but my stepfather lied. Claimed I was trying to seduce him. My mom believed him and kicked me out of the house. It was heartbreaking, humiliating, you name it.”
The memory burned through her.
“Shame on your mom. That’s horrible for choosing a man over her own daughter.” He squeezed her. “Did you go live with your dad?”
“Yes, but I bounced around a lot. I was still in high school. I ended up spending a lot of time with Dylan.”
“You were with him a long time.”
She nodded. “He was all I had. When I turned eighteen, my dad remarried again. His new wife, Caylee, was uncomfortable having a stepdaughter who was just four years younger than her. After I graduated high school, I never saw my dad again.”
“Sarah—”
“It’s okay. I ended up with a pair of not-so-great parents, but at least they didn’t beat me.”
“They did in other ways.” His warm breath caressed her neck. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it’s good they’re out of your life. Neither deserves a daughter like you.”
And she didn’t deserve Cullen. Because he needed someone who knew how to make relationships work. She didn’t.
Tears stung her eyes. Sarah blinked them away.
“But you’re not destined to repeat what your rotten parents did,” he said. “You can have what they’ve never had—good, solid relationships. Ones that last.”
“Maybe I can do better than my parents.” But no way would any relationship last. The result would be the same. She would end up alone and brokenhearted. The way she always had. “But I’ve learned my lesson. I can’t jump back into something...”
“That something is our marriage.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do,” he said. “But here’s the deal. We don’t have to jump back into anything. We did that the first time around. It didn’t work. There’s nothing to stop us from going slower this time.”
A vise tightened around her heart. “I’m not going to be here much longer. We don’t live in the same state.”
“Long distance can’t be any worse than being apart for the past year.”
A flutter of hope emerged. “I suppose that’s true.”
“It is true. But don’t decide right now,” he said to her relief. “Think about it. Think about what it’ll take to turn your ‘I can’t’ into an ‘I want to.’ Will you do that for me? For us?”
Affection for Cullen deepened. He might have been a stranger when they got married, but she’d picked a great guy to marry even if he had a few faults. “Yes, I will.”
He squeezed her shoulder. “Now get some sleep.”
She wanted him next to her all night. “Will you stay, please?”
“You’re going to have to kick me out. Though I can’t promise you I won’t sneak under the covers if it gets colder.”
“You can get under them now.”
“Let’s not test my self-control too much.” He kissed her forehead. “Sweet dreams, Lavagirl.”
Sheltered in his arms, Sarah had a feeling she would have very sweet dreams. Maybe a couple of hot ones, too, starring the handsome and incredibly fit Dr. Gray. She hoped she woke up knowing the answer to his question.
What would it take to turn her “I can’t” to “I want to”?
* * *
The next day, Cullen put away the dishes while Sarah looked at the newest data from Mount Baker. Everything she’d told him last night tumbled around in his head. He couldn’t believe they’d been married and knew so little about each other.
I’ve never seen a successful relationship or experienced one. Only broken ones.
He ached for her. But he needed to know stuff like that if they wanted their marriage to work. Sarah needed help. Therapy, perhaps, maybe together the way his family had done. That could help her move forward so they could work things out. If she wanted to work things out...
All he could do now was wait and hope.
* * *
The next two days passed quickly. Too quickly for Sarah. She had no idea what to say to Cullen. Fortunately, he’d been working at the hospital and on a ready team, so she could avoid the confrontation. But she couldn’t put it off much longer.
Rays of morning sunlight streamed in the kitchen window. Sarah made herself a cup of chamomile tea. Cullen sat at the kitchen table reading the paper. Today was the beginning of three days off for him. He was looking forward to it. She had mixed feelings. “Want something to drink?”
He lofted a smile her way. “No, thanks. But I’ll take another blueberry muffin. Then maybe we could talk.”
She picked up a muffin for him, but nerves made her almost drop it. If Christmas magic did exist, in June or December or whenever, she wished it could come to the rescue now.
He glanced over the paper at her. “Sean invited us to a BBQ tomorrow night. Everyone will be there. I went ahead and told him we’d attend.”
She hoped people wouldn’t want to talk about her and Cullen. But given the phone calls after the dinner at the Willinghams’ house, she knew the chances of that were slim to none.
Her cell phone beeped with a text message.
“Must be Tucker,” she said. “He’s early this morning.”
“Tell him you’re still recovering, if he wants you back.”
“I’m nearly self-sufficient now.”
His gaze locked on hers. “You ready to go back?”
“No.”
With a little smirk, he returned to reading the paper.
Sarah’s cell phone rang. Tucker’s ring tone. That was odd. Considering the text was most likely from him.
She walked to the recliner, picked up her phone and saw the words Steam Blast on the screen. Her heart slammed against her chest. Forcing herself to breathe, she hit the answer button. “What’s happening up there?”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
SARAH’S WHITE-KNUCKLE grip on the phone, her stiff posture and the rise in her voice told Cullen all he needed to know. It was time for her to go. A weight pressed down on his chest, right over his heart.
She disconnected the call.
He took a deep breath. “Tucker wants you back.”
“Another steam burst occurred this morning.” She gathered her papers and shoved them into her laptop bag. “Tucker needs me there. Now.”
No. The word positioned itself on the tip of Cullen’s tongue ready to spring out into the world. Sarah couldn’t go to Bellingham. She wasn’t healed enough. Not exactly true, but he would do or say whatever he had to in order to make her stay. He wasn’t ready to let her go. If she went away, she might not come back. Especially with things so up in the air between them. “Now?”
“Tucker would have preferred having me there yesterday, but since we don’t have a time machine handy...”
Cullen’s cell phone vibrated. He pulled it from his pocket to turn it off. He glanced at the screen.
Damn. A rescue-mission call out. “I don’t believe this.”
She stopped her flurry of activity. “What?”
“Missing climbers.”
Someone needed help on the mountain, but Sarah needed help here. Priorities waged battle against loyalty. He had a duty—two actually. The physician and mountain rescuer wanted to be part of the mission, to help whoever was in need. The husband wanted to be with his wife because he might not have much time left with her.
Cullen stood. “The unit’s gathering at Timberline Lodge, but I can skip this one and drive you to Bellingham.”
“You’re needed on the rescue.”
He could be. “I don’t know the mission specifics. It might not be anything. I’ve missed missions when I was in the middle of a shift and couldn’t get someone to cover for me. They’ll have plenty of rescuers.”
“You’re the only doctor.”
His throat thickened. “I’m driving you.”
Their gazes locked. Neither moved or said a word. Stalemate.
Winning Back His Wife Page 17