Renewing Hope (In Your World #2)

by Jennyfer Browne

Perhaps I wasn't made for this life.

  When the lesson was over, I offered my thanks to the young Bishop just as Naomi did and walked out in a rush, following Naomi onto the porch to wait for Nathan while he spoke to the young Bishop for a few moments. When we were out of earshot from the men, she let out a long exasperated breath and looked over at me shaking her head.

  "There are many things I agree with about our way, but I plan on being my husband's partner, not his slave," she muttered.

  "But the Ordnung says," I whispered, my words trailing off at her eye roll.

  "God made man and woman to serve together side by side. Not one over the other. This is a man's way of holding something over us," she said and pulled me down off the porch so they could not hear us.

  "Do not fret, Katherine. Nathan understands this. He does not see you beneath him," she said and patted me on the shoulder while I frowned at her contradiction to what we had learned and how she had reacted in the room.

  How was I supposed to know which rules really applied and which ones could be bent? And why would they have such rules if people didn't believe in them? Why weren't they written down somewhere? Things would be easier if they had been written down.

  "That is so they can change them to suit the community’s needs," she explained when I asked.

  "Well that's confusing," I huffed and wrapped my arms around myself, feeling more lost than ever now.

  "Naomi! Come inside before your father returns for his supper!"

  Naomi rushed inside at the young Bishop’s call, past Nathan as he stepped outside with Zachariah. The young Bishop watched as she passed, saying something low to Nathan, who smiled timidly and glanced my way. He shook hands with the young Bishop and placed his hat back on his head as he walked toward me, his smile faltering as we walked in silence to the buggy. He hitched Magnus to the buggy in a rush and let me get up into the seat before he followed.

  "You are worried," he said as we started off.

  I let out a breath and shrugged.

  "I'm confused, I guess," I murmured and glanced at him.

  His brow creased and he slowed the horse to a walk so that he could look at me more carefully.

  "Is it regarding what we discussed tonight?" he asked, worrying his lip.

  I nodded, hesitant to reveal my fears.

  "Some. But things that happened today, too," I said and tried to make my words less worrisome for him.

  "Nathan?" I started. "Am I too outspoken?"

  He seemed taken aback at my question.

  "How do you mean?"

  I sighed in frustration and told him what happened at the garage, and then what happened at the store with Jeff and Benjamin. He stopped the buggy on the side of the road and turned to me.

  "Kate, you are everything I want in a wife and a partner. I understand Mark's point, even Benjamin's. A traditional Amish woman is quiet in her tasks while in public. But if you were quiet and reserved like the other girls here, we would not be where we are today. Your courage brought us together when I had none. Your bravery and outspoken ways kept you alive when I could not get to you. And I would not wish you to be any other way," he said, his voice strong as he spoke.

  "But that's not…” I started but he shook his head and interrupted me.

  "Kate, you will be my partner in life. We stand beside one another, not above or below. God made Eve from Adam's rib, because he wanted Eve to be Adam's equal. Not above or below. Had he wanted Eve to be Adam's servant, he would have made her with the bone of his foot. The Amish way is to love and respect one another. Not to serve. The only one we serve is God. Do you not see that with Jonah and Fannie?" he asked, his voice softening at the mention of his aunt and uncle.

  I nodded, feeling my throat tighten in his proclamation.

  "It's just been a difficult day. I keep feeling like I’m messing up," I whispered.

  He took my hand and brought it to his lips.

  "You have not done anything wrong. I want all of you, Kate, just as you are. Do not be upset over what you have heard tonight. Zachariah Ropp was brought up much as our Bishop was. And if I am destined for the role of Bishop, do you not think we will have some sway to change that?" he asked, raising his eyebrows in challenge.

  He leaned in and offered me a brush of his lips on mine, his sincere eyes allowing me to relax some.

  "I would not have you any other way, Kate," he whispered.

  I nodded and smiled, watching him as he flicked the reins, putting us back on the road to home. I thought about what he had said. He wanted me as I was, regardless of what the Ordnung said. He wanted me as his partner, and for that he put my mind at ease. He was right. Jonah and Fannie lived as they wished, and they were well thought of in the community.

  I just needed to learn to temper myself around others.

  We arrived at Nathan's house just as the sun was setting. Nathan showed me how to unhitch Magnus from the buggy and grinned when he watched me guide the horse back to his stall. Again, it was really more a matter of the horse simply knowing where to go as I walked beside him. But he nickered softly when I closed his stall, his head poking out to nudge me before I could step away.

  "He is taken with you," Nathan chuckled and pulled me into his arms.

  "He's not so tough," I joked, feeling the horse snort behind me.

  Nathan pulled me from the barn and we walked at a slow pace back toward the Berger's.

  Before we made it to the top of the hill, Nathan pulled me to a stop and kissed me, soft at first. The kiss deepened for only a moment before he hummed and drew away, a playful smile playing on his lips as he pulled something out of his pocket. I looked down at the cloth-wrapped package in his hand, confused.

  "What is that for?" I asked, looking back up at his mirthful face.

  "I cannot wait until after supper to give you this. I have been wanting to give it to you all day, to make your day special," he murmured and placed the package in my hand.

  I could tell it was a book of some sort, judging by the weight of it.

  "But what's it for?" I said, smiling at his mysterious air.

  "Do you not give your love a keepsake on their birthday in the English world?" he asked.

  I looked at him, thinking hard about what day it was. Was it my birthday? I couldn't remember the date. How did he know?

  "It's my birthday?" I asked in a small voice.

  He nodded and brushed his lips to my forehead.

  "You did not know it was today?"

  I shook my head and looked down at the present in my hands, feeling the tears in my eyes. I felt his thumbs wipe away the tears, his hand tipping my head up so he could gaze down at me.

  "Why are you crying?" he asked.

  "I’m not used to someone remembering," I whispered and touched the present again.

  His brow puckered and he pulled me close.

  "Well, then this will be the first of many with me. I will celebrate your birthday, with happiness in my heart that you are here with me," he said and kissed me again sweetly.

  "Will you open it?" he whispered against my lips.

  I chuckled and pulled away, looking up at his excited eyes when I pulled the fabric wrapping back to reveal a small, leather bound book. Opening it up, I gasped when I read what was inside the first page.

  To my Kate.

  To my Beloved.

  Forever.

  Your Nathan.

  I turned the page and smiled when I read the poem there.

  The first poem he had ever written me, the one I had found on his desk that first day at his house.

  "It's your poetry," I said, looking up at him with all the love I felt in my heart.

  "It is a little something of me for you to carry with you always," he whispered.

  "I love it. It's perfect," I said and reached up to kiss him once more.

  He held me to him as the sun dipped past the horizon.

  When we finally made our way toward the house, it was nearly dark. Walking in to the kit
chen, my day only seemed to get better when we found Benjamin there with Emma, Abigail, Hannah and Mark. Nathan clasped his hand tightly, happy to see his friend with us once more.

  With supper served, we sat and ate, enjoying one another's company. Benjamin seemed more at ease as he sat and laughed with Nathan, the two of them lighter in their moods than we had seen them since I had been with the Bergers. My sisters asked about my studies while we cleaned up, the men relaxing outside on the porch while we worked inside.

  Mark came inside, drawing Hannah upstairs with his arm around her as if to protect her. She still seemed reserved from her day, and it seemed Mark either knew or sensed it. I was hoping he would put her at ease once they were upstairs and alone to talk about it. More than anything, Hannah needed to feel safe again, and only Mark could do that for her.

  Emma winked and disappeared with Abigail upstairs when it was time to retire for the night, leaving me in the kitchen alone with Benjamin and Nathan speaking in hushed voices just outside on the porch. I couldn't catch all of what they said, but I watched as Benjamin leaned in, embracing his friend. Pulling away, he clapped Nathan on the back and turned to leave. Halfway down the steps, he turned back, nodding toward the door.

  "I will see you soon. Thank Katherine for asking me to come," he said and turned to leave.

  He waved as he left, calling after Nathan as he disappeared into the dark.

  When Nathan came back inside, he was smiling.

  "What was that about?" I asked, curious about their conversation.

  Nathan pulled me into a warm embrace, his head dipping into my hair as he sighed and nodded.

  "He is bringing his car around to the house. He will stay with me," he whispered.

  I hugged Nathan back, feeling his relief at having his friend back.

  "I have something for you before you leave," I whispered and pulled away to grab my bag and dug out the check for the car.

  He eyed it for a moment, wide eyed.

  "This is from your car?" he breathed.

  I nodded.

  "If we can, I'd like some of it to go back to the community. But we should have the money for the winter," I explained.

  His smile broadened and he held me close. His lips were soft as they pressed against my own. His hands spread out across my back, hugging me close against him as his mouth explored mine. He took a deep breath and shook his head, looking down at me.

  "You amaze me every day. We will do well this winter. Thank you, Kate. Do not worry. We will be fine because we will do it together," he whispered and tucked the check into his pocket, shock still on his face.

  We heard the door to the front of the house open, pulling us apart on instinct.

  Fannie looked in on us and smiled, her face tired. She nodded once and disappeared upstairs, Jonah following after he offered us a cursory nod. It was later than I had realized. Nathan took my hand and walked back out to the porch, pulling me into another warm embrace.

  "I need to leave, to settle Benjamin in. I am sorry I cannot stay longer. It is late, but I would have liked to thank you fully for all your love and support," he said, drawing away to look down at me.

  "It's okay. Make him comfortable, and tomorrow bring him to breakfast. We'll have time together soon," I replied and kissed him before he pulled away.

  "Happy birthday, Kate. And do not worry over what happened today. You are what I want, nothing else. Tomorrow will be a new day," he said and kissed me once more before stepping away.

  I watched as he walked away, back up his hill and to his house. But for once I smiled as I watched him go. Because I knew, tonight he would not be alone.

  "I am glad Benjamin is staying with Nathan," Emma whispered when I closed the bedroom door.

  We settled into bed, and I kept the lantern by my side, so that I could read from the journal Nathan had given me. I read until I started to yawn, learning more of how much Nathan cared about me. I extinguished the lantern and closed my eyes, smiling into the dark at the thought that he had given me the best present ever.

  He had given me his heart and his life.

  CHAPTER 8

  I looked up at the sky again and wondered how the storm clouds could roll in so fast. Another afternoon with the rain threatening, and I hurried inside with my basket of vegetables before I got wet again. Hearing the distant thunder, I wondered if maybe I should head off to the Berger’s. But that would leave Nathan alone. And I liked the idea of remaining with him in the rain again.

  Last time had been wonderful.

  That had been a week ago, and we had been occupied with so many other things that alone time had become scant. Now that Benjamin was living with Nathan we only had our evenings together, and those were becoming more of a threesome of reading and lectures on the Ordnung than pleasant walks around the barn.

  Not that I was complaining about Benjamin.

  He was opening up and beginning to feel comfortable again. I could sacrifice alone time with Nathan if it meant bringing Benjamin back where he belonged. But I could tell in Nathan's eyes, he missed our stolen moments.

  Another rumble of thunder, this one closer, and I knew it would be only moments before the rain started. Outside, the air seemed to be electrified, and there was a golden hue to everything as the grey of the clouds covered the sun. Benjamin was at the mill late today, leaving Nathan and me alone for most of the afternoon, but we had not seen much of one another.

  He was behind on repairs to the barn, and I had been clearing away old growth in the garden and mulching some of the new plants in preparation for the cooler nights. But with the threat of rain, perhaps we could find a moment or two alone.

  I smiled and busied myself in the kitchen to finish my duties there.

  I washed off the strawberries I had found bursting to life under some of the old bean vines, and grabbed the thermos of tea that Nathan had forgotten in the kitchen before going out to the barn to fix the siding. One last thought occurred to me on my way out; I grabbed the old blanket I had found in the closet upstairs and headed outside.

  Outfitted for a mini picnic, I grinned and hurried toward the barn, just as the rain started to fall. I found Nathan near the back of the building, pulling out rusty nails from some old planks of wood he had stacked beside him. A gaping hole in the side of the barn was letting in a cool breeze from the thunderstorm that was rolling in.

  He looked up from his task to smile and raised an eyebrow at the items in my hand before returning to the board. He pulled out the last of the nails and tossed the plank onto the stack of finished boards. He was dirty from the work of the day, his shirt damp around the neck from the hot humid air. He had rolled up his sleeves so that his arms were bare and glistening with sweat. He licked his lips and took a step toward me, wiping his forehead with the handkerchief from his back pocket.

  "Please tell me you have a cold beverage in your arms. I forgot your drink after lunch," he said, grinning when I produced the thermos.

  He thanked me and took a long drink, some of the tea dribbling out the side of his mouth and down his neck.

  Sweaty, dirty Nathan Fisher was quite a sight to behold.

  Add to that the rivulet of liquid running down into his shirt, and it was all I could do to swallow down my want and try to think of November. We had six more weeks of baptism classes and then the rush of the baptism itself before the wedding.

  It was still so far way!

  "What are you thinking?" Nathan whispered, standing a little closer to me.

  "November," I whispered and felt my face turning hot.

  "The winter vegetables should be ready by then, yes?" he said innocently, then his eyes widened and he let out a low chuckle and took another drink to cover his flushed face.

  I loved his simple innocence so much.

  I wondered if he would remain that way even after we were married. Not really the innocent part, obviously. But the simple, tender ways he spoke that were honest and genuine.

  I hoped so.

&
nbsp; He cleared his throat once more and handed me the thermos, eyeing the strawberries in the basket I carried.

  "Do you want some?" I asked.

  He looked down at his hands and wiped them down his chest, only managing to smear the dirt on himself a little more. I plucked one of the bigger berries out of the basket and held it up for him to bite. He looked from me to the fruit, his mouth hesitant for a moment before he leaned in slightly to take a bite. Juice dribbled down his chin as he bit down, forcing him to pull away to wipe his chin with his bicep.

  He was a mess.

  He was beautiful and smiling down at me.

  Leaning in once more, this time past the berry in my hand, he hummed deep in his throat and kissed me at a leisured pace, keeping his body distanced from my own. I edged closer, wanting to feel him, dirt and sweat be damned. He drew away at my movement, licking his lips as he took a tentative step back.

  "I am dirty, Kate. I need to wash up before I touch you," he murmured.

  "I don't care about that, Nathan," I whispered, his groan rumbling through him as he looked down at me.

  "I still have work to finish," he sighed when I stepped in and traced my finger along one of his suspenders.

  "Okay," I pouted and took a step back, watching as he stood there, one hand lingering on my arm.

  "Do you want to help? Perhaps we can make quick work of it," he suggested, glancing back at the boards.

  "What can I do?" I asked, suddenly excited to help with anything.

  He took my hand and drew me toward the workbench. I eyed the hammer with suspicion when he handed it to me. He laughed and took it back to demonstrate.

  "It is not too difficult. Let me show you. Then you can remove the nails and I will replace the boards over there," he said.

  I watched as he showed me how to pry the nails out of the boards.

  "Why did you take the planks off just to put them back on again?" I asked, somehow managing to curl the nail in the fork of the hammer.

  It was more difficult than he let on.

  "These are not the originals," he explained as he looked on in amusement. "These are reclaimed from another barn. My boards had termites. I still have many to replace. You could put a hammer through much of that wall there without much effort."