All The Little Moments

by G. Benson

  And Lane really had been perfect.

  Fingers pressed to her lips, Anna smiled; she could still feel traces of Lane.

  The woman captivated her. That was really the only word for it.

  She knew it was too soon. She and Hayley had ended less than a month ago. Yet, with everything that had happened in those first few weeks, it felt like forever. Anna had shut down any feelings she’d had about the matter, along with those about her brother. Everything had been too much at once, especially with Ella and Toby in her life.

  And even though it felt too soon, Lane felt incredibly right.

  Yet, still, she’d stiffened when Lane had pushed for more. While she was over her fear of Lane’s reaction to the kids, her other concerns weren’t gone—about it being too soon for the kids, about it being too selfish of her to pursue this. Ella and Toby needed her.

  She rubbed a hand over her tired eyes. Why did it all have to be so complicated?

  How was it so complicated, when the last few hours had been so easy?

  Anna pushed off the door and went upstairs to change.

  In a previous life, or alternate universe, she and Lane would have stayed in bed all day having mind-blowing sex—and Anna had no concerns that it wouldn’t be mind blowing, if last night had been anything to go by. They would have had a lazy breakfast in bed and stayed there all day. Or, if they weren’t quite there yet, they would have met up and spent the day getting lunch, flirting loudly and openly, and making out in the cinema.

  But in Anna’s new reality, she had to go pick up her niece and nephew and take them to the zoo, and then bring them home and play parent.

  She in no way resented the kids, but buried deep down was still a little resentment at the situation. And at her brother. She wasn’t sure if that was very healthy.

  Talking to Lane last night, actually voicing some of those feelings she’d had bottled up and locked away, had made her feel better this morning—better than she had in a long time. Lane made her feel like it was okay to feel like that. She had expected shock or disgust but, instead, had seen sympathy and understanding.

  She padded down the stairs and grabbed the car keys. She loved the kids, and life here was starting to feel a little more…settled—if that was the word. Starting something as new and distracting as Lane was unfair to them. Kym had said last night that Anna’s brother wouldn’t want that, that he’d want her to be happy. But was this all moving too fast?

  Just thinking about it gave her a headache. How would she manage this thing with Lane, the two kids, and working full time? And on top of it all, she still hadn’t moved past the grief that, at times, threatened to swallow her whole.

  Maybe it didn’t have to be a relationship. It could be relaxed. Casual.

  With a sigh, she parked in her parents’ driveway, softening when she saw Ella pressed to the front window, waving madly. Anna waved back and grabbed her bag, checking her phone before she slipped out of the car. A text from Lane caught her eye.

  Even after that simple kiss in the car, I need a cold shower. We really do deserve a medal for last night. What are you doing to me, Anna Foster? :)

  Anna wasn’t sure she could stop even if she wanted to.

  “So go on a date with her, for Christ’s sake! I’ve been watching you two deliver coffees to each other and flirt over stale cafeteria food for a week now.”

  Anna blinked over her coffee at Kym. She’d been driving herself so mad with worries about being fair to the kids, she hadn’t realized she was being that obvious.

  “Uh…okay?”

  Kym leant her shoulder against the wall, facing Anna with her arms crossed. “Look, I’m sorry, but you want to see her out of work? Do it. So you have those two kids—that doesn’t mean your life stops.”

  “But what if they—”

  “They won’t feel like you’re neglecting them, Anna.”

  Clearly, she’d verbalised this to Kym more than she had realised. “But—”

  “No. They won’t. Keep it all separate for now, if that’s what you need to do. Really, that makes sense. All three of you have had huge life changes. It’s okay to do that. But, seriously, go on a damn date so I can live vicariously through you. Since the bar last weekend, you’ve been itching to see her outside of work.”

  Anna sipped her coffee, eyes wide. “You know me far too well.”

  “It’s creepy, considering this friendship is younger than the carton of milk in my fridge.”

  “Ew.”

  “I’m not home much.”

  “Still sleeping at the hospital?”

  Kym shrugged. “Most of the time.”

  “When do I need to start to worry about that?”

  “When I try and move a cat into my office lounge. Then, then you may have me committed.”

  “Check. First sign of feline in the hospital, I worry.” She tilted her head slightly, taking Kym in. “Though I may before then, too.”

  Kym smiled softly, reaching over to accept the coffee the attendant handed out to her. They stayed against the wall, Anna content to completely avoid starting her workday. The mountain of paperwork she had waiting couldn’t be delayed for much longer, however.

  “Deal. Now, date. You. Soon.”

  “Okay. Fine. I just don’t know when.”

  “Well, you have Saturday off. I recall Lane saying she has an early finish that day, and when I was a creep last night, I checked the nurses’ roster. She’s on an afternoon shift Sunday. What about a good old Saturday night date?”

  “You’ve been planning this.”

  “Well, you weren’t going to get off your ass and do it. And Lane’s being so overly respectful of you and your life that she doesn’t want to push it, so that left me.”

  Anna laughed out loud, trying to hide the sappy look that the mention of Lane surely produced on her face. “What about the kids? My mum’s been dropping everything to take care of them for me. I don’t know if I can ask this of her.”

  “And I’m sure she’d do it again; but if you don’t want to ask, how about I babysit?”

  Anna’s mouth almost dropped open. “You’d do that?”

  “Why not? I’m not some fifteen-year-old who’s going to have my boyfriend come over and put cigarette holes in your couch. I’m a doctor, kind of, and I vaguely remember what kids like to do in their spare time.”

  “Kym, that would be amazing.”

  “Well, I’m fairly amazing, so that’s a given.”

  “Okay. I’ll ask Lane.”

  “Excellent. I’m like a skinny Cupid, only mildly taller and with more swag.”

  Anna nearly spit her coffee out. “Did you just say you have swag?”

  “Can’t pull that off?”

  “No. But try, more often, please. One question—are you free tonight to come over and meet the kids first?”

  Kym grimaced. “No, sorry. I’ve taken the on call.”

  Anna gnawed her lip, then shrugged. “No problem. I’ll talk with Ella, and, if it doesn’t seem to go smoothly, we’ll do it another night.”

  “Are you worried?”

  “A little.” At Kym’s expectant look, Anna sighed. “I spoke to Ella’s counsellor at school the other day. Ella’s doing, you know, okay. But she is still withdrawn and quiet. The woman said that she probably feels isolated.”

  “That’s not surprising.” Kym’s words were gentle.

  “That’s what I said—I mean, her friends can’t understand how she’s feeling. I don’t think Ella can know how she’s feeling. I just—she was so, vibrant, before. A ball of energy. Chatty. Inquisitive.”

  “Her whole life changed.”

  Anna flicked her nail against the plastic lid of the coffee cup, warm in her hand. It felt good to talk about this with someone who understood a little. Her mother was wonderful, but Anna found
herself supporting her in her grief—not that she minded; it was a good distraction. And her father still stayed locked in his study.

  “It really has. Sometimes the old Ella kind of shines through for brief moments—especially with Toby. But it’s so rare and short-lived.” Anna didn’t mention the way protectiveness now washed over her in waves when she watched the two kids. She gave a half shrug as they started walking towards the elevator. “I’m sure she’ll be fine with you at the house. It’s just…I want to be careful with her.”

  “If there’s any problems, I’ll call. And if Ella is uncomfortable, we’ll try another time.”

  “Good plan.” Anna shot her a grateful look, then grinned. “I just thought she could use a warm-up to get used to you.”

  “Uh, excuse me. I’m skinny Cupid and also a tenacious child whisperer. It will go amazingly—just you watch. Maybe I’ll show up in a ballerina outfit.”

  They went their separate ways, Anna chuckling at the image Kym had given her. Before she could pull out her phone to text Lane, her pager went off, and she was pulled into the intensity of an emergency surgery.

  It had been a smooth operation, which meant she had sat most of the time writing vital observations and reading an article to try to catch up on her professional development hours. But, by the time she found time to get in contact with Lane, it was the end of the day and time to pick up Toby from day care. She hadn’t even eaten lunch.

  Toby hit her legs at a run before she’d walked more than three steps into the day care. Once he was in her arms, he wrapped his chubby arms around her neck and patted her in his funny little way.

  “Hey, little man.” She looked up at Tanya, waved, and signed Toby out on the register. New dinosaur backpack in hand, they headed out.

  “Sorry I didn’t make it in for a visit this afternoon, Tobes. Work was hectic.”

  Anna usually went into the day care at least twice a day if she could. The sight of Toby barrelling towards her, ecstatic at her visit, always left her feeling warm inside.

  She pulled out her phone and tapped out a text quickly, holding it high as Toby tried to grab it from her. It was scary how well he could flick through things on her iPhone.

  Hey, Lane. Are you free this Saturday night? I was wondering if you wanted to knock my socks off with that date...

  She hit send and slipped her phone back into her pocket. “Did you play trains today, Tobes?”

  “Thomas.”

  “Thomas, huh? Doesn’t Percy get jealous that you don’t play with him very much?”

  Toby just blinked at her.

  “Yeah, never mind.”

  “Anna!”

  She had been so focused on the text and then Toby that she hadn’t even realized she’d entered the lobby. When she stopped in her tracks and turned around, there was Lane, quickly walking up behind her.

  “Hey.”

  Lane waved her phone hand in the air, her eyes on Toby, who was staring back at her, wide eyed. “I just got your text. Hey there, cutie!” She looked from Toby to Anna. “Wow, I see what Ella meant when she said he looks even more like you than she does.”

  As Anna jostled Toby gently on her hip, he raised his hand to his mouth to suck on his fingers, something he’d started to do when he didn’t have his blanket.

  “Yeah, people always assume he’s mine.” She smiled sadly as she reached up and tugged at his hand to pop the fingers out of his mouth. She was rewarded with a long train of saliva that fell on her shoulder. Sexy.

  Toby kept staring at Lane, little face serious even though she grinned at him.

  “He’s gorgeous, Anna.”

  “I think so.” She looked at Toby. “And you certainly know it.” She poked him in the tummy, trying to get the serious look off his face. He yelped, giggling and burying his face into Anna’s neck, wrapping his arms around her.

  Lane looked like she wanted to scoop him up and cuddle him. “He always this shy?”

  “Not even remotely.”

  “I didn’t think so.” Lane caught Anna’s eye. “I’m in for Saturday, by the way. As if there was any question.”

  Anna ran a hand up and down Toby’s back. “Great.”

  “Can I pick you up? Say, six?”

  “Six thirty okay? Then this one will be asleep.”

  “Six thirty is perfect. Be prepared to have your socks knocked off.”

  “Awesome.”

  “What do you say, Toby?” Toby peeked up at Lane from Anna’s shoulder. “Can I steal your aunty for a little while?”

  “My Na.” He buried his face back into her neck.

  Lane grinned, and Anna rolled her eyes, poking him in the ribs again so he gave a squeal of laughter. “You can share, little man.”

  “My shift is nowhere near finished, so I have to run. But I’ll see you for lunch tomorrow?”

  “Definitely.”

  Lane hovered for a minute, looking like the last thing she wanted to do was leave. Finally, she took a step backwards, smiling ruefully. “I’ll see you, then. Bye, Toby!”

  At the last moment before she left, Toby sat up, waving. “Bye-bye!”

  Anna tickled him again, and he wriggled.

  With a final wave, Lane walked away, Anna’s eyes on her until she disappeared from view. There was an idiotic look on her face, she knew it; she just didn’t care.

  She looked to Toby, who was looking after Lane as if he regretted not being nicer, now that the lady with the pretty smile had gone. He looked to Anna, almost confused.

  “You’ll see her again, Tobes, I’m sure.”

  He nodded seriously and stuck his fingers back in his mouth.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  “Why are you in a dress?”

  Anna turned from the mirror and saw Ella peering around the doorframe at her.

  Tattered blanket in hand, Toby stood in front of her. He grinned at Anna before running forward and colliding with her knees. Unable to say no to the blue eyes staring up at her, Anna swung him onto her hip. Instantly, he dropped his head on her shoulder, hand coming up to splay his tiny fingers over her collarbone, blanket held tight between them.

  She ran her fingers over his hair, soft after a wash. He was incredibly sweet and endearing at this time of night, sleepy and cuddly. She’d had no idea a child possessed the ability to melt her this much.

  Looking down at herself, Anna asked, “Is it a bad dress?”

  Strawberry-blonde hair flicked around her face as Ella shook her head adamantly. “No! You look really pretty.” She sat on the edge of Anna’s bed, cradling her marker-covered orange cast in her arm. Her face scrunched up as she continued to peer at Anna. “But you never wear dresses.”

  Smiling wryly, Anna turned back to the mirror and, without thinking, said, “I used to, Ella Bella.”

  “Why don’t you now?” Ella’s voice was curious.

  Anna paused, gazing at the half-asleep Toby on her hip. Her red cocktail dress had never seen a child near it before. It had always been Anna’s go-to dress, the neckline low enough to catch someone’s eye without being too out-there, the skirt swishing around her knees as she moved in a way that she loved. However, it was the back that sold it, cut down between her shoulder blades. Her light brown hair was out and loose, blow-dried straight. Anna made sure to keep the smile on her face, running her fingers through Toby’s hair again and turning away from the mirror to look at Ella, who was watching her innocently.

  “I’ve just been so busy with my new job.”

  Ella nodded, eyes serious. “You have an important job. Grandma told me you help save lives. Like Nurse Lane saved my arm.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Can I do that when I grow up?”

  “Is that what you want to do?”

  She took a second to think, then shook her head. “I want to own an ice cream tr
uck.”

  Anna bent down and rubbed her nose against Ella’s. Ella shook her head back and forth to reciprocate the motion.

  “You can do that, if you want. You could be like Ben and Jerry, and make whole new flavours of ice cream.”

  Bouncing on the bed, Ella’s eyes lit up. “I could make macaroni and cheese ice cream!”

  Anna wrinkled her nose. “Mac and cheese ice cream?”

  “Yeah.”

  “As a flavour?”

  “My favourite dinner is mac and cheese with ice cream as dessert. That way I get all of it.”

  “Just ’cause it mixes in your tummy doesn’t mean it should mix in your mouth.”

  “Oh.”

  Anna reached out her spare hand, still holding Toby with the other arm. He was blinking steadily to ward off sleep. Wrapping her fingers around Ella’s small hand, Anna lifted her to her feet.

  “If you want to make it a flavour, you can, Ella Bella. Actually, we had mac and cheese for dinner. So you get some i-c-e c-r-e-a-m after Toby is in bed.”

  Ella’s eyes lit up as they walked out to the hallway and down the stairs. “I do?”

  “It’s Saturday night. I don’t see why not.”

  “No school tomorrow.”

  Anna shook her head as they walked into the living room. “Nope. You can stay up with Kym and watch a DVD. Have you picked one?”

  Flopping onto her beanbag, Ella crossed her legs in front of her. “Yup. Beauty and the Beast.”

  Taking a seat on the couch, Anna shifted Toby so he sat on her lap with his legs wrapped around her, head nestled into her neck. She rubbed his back up and down. “Good choice. I think Kym will like it.”

  “Will I like Kym?”

  Purposefully fiddling with her cast, Ella avoided Anna’s eye. “I think you’ll love Kym. She’s kind of funny.”

  “I like funny.”

  “You’ll like Kym, then.”

  It was times like this, when Ella got nervous about meeting someone new, that Anna was reminded of the changes the loss of her parents had caused. She had lost some of her confidence, the once overly friendly girl now reserved and pensive. The anxiety was new. Anna gnawed her lip.