by Botts, Liz
“Nothing,” Hayley said, smoothing back the hair on my head. “You just wanted Kyle to like you. And you couldn’t stand up to him.” Hayley paused. “Can I ask a stupid question?”
“Sure,” I said.
“Do you still like Kyle?”
The question hung in the air. I had been thinking a lot about that the past week or so. At first, it had been a resounding no, but then the old, familiar feelings started to creep back in. So then, I hadn’t been so sure. And then I really hadn’t been able to figure out what was wrong with me. How could I like a guy who would hurt me? After a lot of nights laying awake thinking about this very subject, I’d searched the depths of my heart. And at the end of it all, I was pleased to find that Kyle was gone, all feelings for him were appropriately disgusted, but surprisingly tolerant and almost forgiving. And in Kyle’s place, I’d been happily surprised to find warm, burgeoning feelings for Josh. I still wasn’t sure how to deal with them, but they did make me happy.
“No,” I replied. “I don’t like Kyle anymore, although I was pretty close.”
Hayley nodded. “I’m glad, but I totally get how hard it would be to turn off three years of feelings.”
“All I have to do is look at my arm or even just feel my leg, and it pretty much reinforces all my feelings about Kyle. Besides, you know, he really is a jerk. I don’t know how I missed that before,” I sighed.
“Blinded by love?” Hayley suggested taking my iPod from the nightstand and scrolling through my playlists.
“I haven’t told anyone else about Kyle,” I admitted. “So if you wouldn’t mind not mentioning it, I’d really appreciate it.”
“No problem,” Hayley promised.
I pushed myself off the bed to start getting my pajamas on and getting ready for bed. Suddenly I was exhausted. “It’s funny,” I said. “I almost told Josh about it that night, but at the last second I sort of chickened out and didn’t tell him Kyle’s name.”
“Josh was with you that night?” Hayley asked, looking up with interest.
“I called him,” I confessed, pulling my pajama shirt on. “He was the first person I thought of. And he was the only person I wanted to see.”
“Oh?” Hayley raised her eyebrows.
“Yeah, I know. But he was great. It just made sense.” I shrugged, turning away from her so she couldn’t see my face. I picked up my brush and swept it through my hair a few times.
Hayley nodded like she understood. “And?”
“And… nothing,” I said. “We’re just friends right now.”
“Right now,” Hayley repeated with a grin. She tapped the screen of my iPod. “So you do like him!”
“Maybe a little,” I said.
“And do you think he likes you?” Hayley’s eyes glittered.
“Maybe,” I replied.
“I think he’s a great match for you,” Hayley said.
I smiled at her. There was the little sister I knew and loved.
Her maturity was starting to freak me out a little. She got up to go back to her room.
“Hey, Hayley?” She stopped and looked at me. “Thanks,” I said. “This really helped.”
“Anytime,” Hayley replied as she headed back to her own room. She paused in the doorway. “Listen to the playlist I made you last summer. It’ll make you feel better.”
As I pulled on my pajama shorts, I realized that Hayley and I had the relationship I had always wanted with Harlow. Thank goodness Mom and Dad had decided to have a third kid. And thank goodness that child had been a girl.
Chapter Fifteen
The P.A. crackled to life, and everyone in the auditorium stopped, waiting expectantly for what would happen next.
“What’s going on?” Josh whispered, folding his script carelessly in half.
“Just wait,” I murmured, trying not to fixate on the way he was creasing the pages.
After what sounded like a slight tussle, a male voice started to sing “I Want You to Want Me” . Every girl in the auditorium excitedly exchanged glances, hoping, praying this was for her. Josh tapped me in the arm with the script, and raised his eyebrows questioningly. “Well?”
“Just wait,” I whispered back.
Finally, the singing, which was quite atrocious I should say, stopped, and the guy said, “Sara James, will you go to prom with me?” Sara, a freshman in the chorus for our show, let out an ear-‐-
piercing squeal and started jumping up and down. The other girls frowned, and I heard someone whisper, “Who would ask a freshman?”
Someone else answered in an angry whisper, “I bet she’s easy.”
Josh still looked confused, so I rolled my eyes at him.
“Welcome to prom season,” I said, sarcastically.
“Wait, what?” Josh said.
“Being asked to prom is just under wedding proposal big around these parts,” I explained. “The bigger, the better. Just wait and see. It gets truly gag-‐-worthy.”
Josh grinned at that. “So you don’t like big gestures?”
I frowned at him. “It’s annoying.”
Kaylee happened by, and snickered at me. “That’s just because she’s never been asked,” she informed Josh.
“That is so not it,” I insisted. Josh and Kaylee exchanged another grin. “We’re only juniors. This is the first year we should be able to go.”
“I think the lady doth protest too much,” Josh commented.
“Oh, please,” I groaned. “Not this crap again.”
“What crap would that be?” Josh smiled, trying for the innocent look. He ran his fingers along the ever deepening crease in his script.
I snatched it out of his hands. “Stop that!”
Josh burst out laughing. I glared at him.
“I didn’t think you were serious about all that prom-‐-being-‐-a-‐-
big-‐-deal stuff,” Josh admitted as he took his script back from me.
“Um, yeah we’ve been helping with the fundraiser for weeks. How could you not see what a big deal prom is?” I asked.
Josh started creasing his script again. He shrugged, “Yeah, but every school does fundraisers.”
“And why do you do this?” I asked, exasperation evident as I snatched the script from him again.
Josh laughed as he watched me smooth his script for the thousandth time that week. “To get your attention,” he confessed, winking.
I blushed and felt even more confident that Josh liked me back. As the week progressed, I kept looking for signs that Josh liked me. Instead of seeing any telltale signs, though, I just felt more confused.
Then something happened during class that changed my perspective slightly.
“Is there something you two would like to share with the class?” Mr. Carlson asked, stopping a mere three inches from my desk. I froze, but Josh leaned back and smiled up at the teacher.
“We were just rehearsing some of our lines,” he said.
“Don’t you think there are more appropriate times than this?”
“Well, yeah, of course. But you know, the musical is only a month away and there have been so many rewrites. And with baseball practice….” Josh trailed off looking pointedly at Mr.
Carlson.
The teacher frowned for a moment, and I thought for sure we were in trouble, but then he began to nod. “Would you two like a pass down to the auditorium? I don’t think anyone is in there this period.”
“That’d be great,” Josh said, already collecting our books.
I followed dumbly, aware of everyone’s eyes on me as Josh and I waited for Mr. Carlson to finish writing us a pass.
The door to the auditorium clicked shut behind us, and I waited while Josh fumbled for the lights. I sat down in one of the tattered red seats near the front.
“We totally don’t need to be down here,” I pointed out.
Josh grinned at me as he hopped up on the stage. “What?
You really wanted to hear Mr. Carlson talk more about Hamlet? ‘To be or not to
be, that is the question!’” Josh intoned in an almost perfect imitation of Mr. Carlson.
I giggled. I couldn’t help myself. Sometimes Josh could actually be pretty funny.
“Come up here,” Josh said. “We really should practice, don’t you think?”
“Um, yeah,” I agreed, slightly distracted by the fact that I was in an empty auditorium with Josh in the middle of the school day.
Josh continued to look at me expectantly. “Well?” He finally prompted, a small smirk curling the corners of his mouth. He had to stop doing that because it was really one of my favorite looks on him, and it really did drive me to the point of total and complete distraction. I think he knew exactly what he was doing at that point too.
“Right,” I nodded, making a feeble attempt to hop up on the stage beside Josh, but really only succeeding in humiliating myself as my feet dangled for a moment and my hands turned pink where the edge of the stage bit into them.
Laughing, Josh jumped up, and offered me his hand. I accepted readily, and allowed myself to be, well, hoisted up onto the stage.
“So,” I began. “What do you want to rehearse?”
Josh grinned, and I felt my heart flutter wildly in my chest.
He took my hand without answering and led me to the center of the stage. When he started singing, I knew exactly which scene we were rehearsing. Our kiss scene. Ms. Bard had blocked it out but we had yet to actually, well, practice our kiss.
I let him lead me through the movements, all the while my mind racing ahead to the actual kiss. I was scared and excited all at the same time.
When I joined him in the song, my voice trembled. I couldn’t help it, and in an instant, I knew Josh heard the shakiness because he looked at me with a little concern. Still as he dipped his head to complete the scene, I let myself fall into the moment.
“Hey! What are you kids doing?”
A voice interrupted us just moments before Josh’s lips touched mine. We turned abruptly. A janitor was standing at the back of the auditorium, frowning. Josh recovered smoothly, releasing me and jumping off the stage, heading toward the janitor.
“We’re rehearsing a scene for the musical,” Josh said, holding out the pass that I’d forgotten we even had. “What’d you think? Did we look convincing?”
Did we? My brain was so muddled from practically kissing Josh that all I could do was sit down on the edge of the stage while Josh talked to the janitor.
Instead of returning to class, we headed to the library where Josh logged onto a computer to look at sports stats, and I wandered through the shelves hoping for inspiration for our fairy tale assignment for Ms. Bard. With the semester already half over, I had to put something down on paper soon.
Flipping through one of the books on the shelf in front of me, I giggled to myself. Maybe I could compare my life to “The Tortoise and the Hare”. I could cast Kyle as the hare and Josh as the tortoise. Interestingly, the more I thought about it, the more the idea seemed to work. And the moral of the whole story was that slow and steady wins the race. Maybe there was still some hope for Josh and me after all.
I closed the book as the bell rang, still caught up in my musings over this strange relationship Josh and I had. He grinned at me as we rejoined the chaotic throng in the hallway.
Chapter Sixteen
Hayley had already rushed out the door to Mike’s waiting car when I hauled myself downstairs the next morning. I was still bleary eyed from the latest rehearsal, and it was all I could do to pour milk on my cereal. That’s probably why I didn’t find Mom’s note until five minutes before I needed to leave.
Hannah, sweetheart, Harlow borrowed your car last night. She had to go somewhere for school, and Dad and I just couldn’t spare ours right now. Hope you don’t mind. Love, Mom.
I groaned and pulled out my cell to text Kaylee. When she didn’t respond within thirty seconds, I knew her phone was already off for the school day. I tried to think of anyone else I knew with a car, but kept coming up blank. As I scrolled through my address book, I happened across Josh’s number. On a whim, I texted him that I needed a ride, and within ten seconds I had a text back saying he’d be there.
My stomach grumbled at me, probably because I hadn’t actually eaten much of the cereal before it turned to total and complete mush. I grabbed a banana and my backpack and went to wait out on the front porch. The warm April day wrapped around me, making me smile in anticipation for good things to come.
True to his word, Josh pulled up a few minutes later, and jumped out of his car to open the door for me. He grinned at me as I slid into the passenger seat. And he kept grinning as he climbed into the driver seat.
“Why are you grinning like a hyena?” I finally asked.
“I think the expression is laughing like a hyena, which I’m not doing, and what’s wrong with me smiling?” Josh smiled bigger.
“Nothing, I guess,” I replied. “You’re just acting suspicious, that’s all.”
Josh shrugged. “I’m just happy to see you.”
“Sure,” I said, dryly.
We settled into a companionable silence as Josh headed toward school. “Hey, thanks for picking me up,” I said.
“No problem,” Josh replied. “I hadn’t gone in yet or anything anyway.”
“Wait,” I said, “you came all the way from school just to bring me back to school?”
Josh grinned. “Anything for a damsel in distress.”
I rolled my eyes. “Gee, thanks. I love being a damsel in distress. Very post-‐-modern feminist I think.”
“I didn’t know that was something you aspired to,” Josh laughed.
I couldn’t help but smile too. It did sound pretty stupid.
Harlow always insisted that Hayley and I be feminists, and not simpering princesses waiting for a fairy tale ending.
Just then, I caught sight of a series of signs along the side of the road. They said: “Hayley, will you go to prom with me? Mike.”
Each sign had a different word on it. My stomach twisted with jealousy, and I did my best not to let it show.
“Well, Hayley’s going to prom,” I said. “Disgusting, isn’t it?” “Mike was really excited about this,” Josh said.
“Wait, you knew about this?” I demanded.
“Sure,” Josh replied. “Every guy in the play knew. Mike’s been working on those signs for like a week.”
Folding my arms across my chest, I muttered, “What a colossal waste of time. Hayley wanted him to do something at a game anyway.”
Josh chuckled softly. “He sort of missed that chance, didn’t he? Besides, this seems like a big enough gesture to satisfy that sister of yours.”
“Maybe,” I agreed, sullenly.
We lapsed into silence again, this one not as easy or companionable. Finally, Josh ventured, “Are you planning on going to prom?”
I closed my eyes. “No one’s asked me.”
“I thought you were all into being a post-‐-modern feminist,”
Josh teased. “You could ask a guy instead.”
My eyes popped open. “Nope, not happening,” I said. “I have to be asked or I won’t go.”
Josh returned his attention to the road. “Good to know,” he said softly.
I stared at his profile, wondering if I was reading too much into the situation or if maybe I’d heard a promise, a plan, in his voice. The rest of the ride to school was silent, but a nice, comfortable one, and I began to wonder what I’d ever disliked about Josh in the first place. Most of the time I could remember the dueling feelings for him, my grudge and my crush, but lately the crush had been winning. And that morning, the crush had all but obliterated the last tiny remnants of the grudge. I felt good, happy, almost like I could be…I gasped, stifling the thought before it could be voiced in my head.
“What’s wrong?” Josh asked, sounding alarmed.
I shook my head, feeling the uncomfortable heat of a blush rising up my neck to my cheeks. How could I even entertain a thought like
that? Glancing over at Josh’s profile , I knew the thought would surface again before the day was over, and once it made its presence known, there would be no denying those very real feelings.
Josh pulled into the school parking lot, and glanced at me , a funny, unreadable expression on his face. He opened his mouth like he had something he wanted to say to me, but instead he just sighed.
****
Everything seemed to be getting more stressful and confusing as April dragged on. Our rehearsals lasted forever, leaving little time for homework or sleep. Josh still hadn’t asked me out on a date, and he certainly hadn’t made any move to ask me to prom. I was honestly beginning to doubt that he liked me in that way. So my surprise when he asked me to skip the afternoon with him had to be evident on my face.
“You mean, just leave school in the middle of the day? Like skip?” I blinked at Josh not quite sure what to say.
Josh shrugged. “We’ve been here half a day. That’s all we need to participate in rehearsal tonight. We’ll just be taking a partial mental health day.”
“Um, won’t we get written up for skipping?” I pointed out.
“Nah,” Josh shook his head. “We’re leaving at lunch. I’ll call for both of us and pretend to be our dads. You’ll have a dentist appointment and I’ll have a chiropractor appointment.”
“A chiropractor appointment?” I looked at him skeptically, trying not to laugh.
“Don’t laugh,” Josh grinned. “I go to the chiropractor once a week. And I see an acupuncturist twice a month. My mom insists on it.” “Seriously? Huh,” I said.
“What?” Josh asked.
“Just not something I picture you doing,” I replied.
Josh grinned. “You learn something new about me every day.”
I rolled my eyes. “Do you skip a lot?”
“Not really,” Josh said. “Just when…never mind. Look, do you want to get out of here or not?”
The decision pressed heavily on my brain making my temples throb. If I left, I’d officially be doing the worst thing I’d ever done at school. And if I didn’t leave…well, I wouldn’t get to spend the afternoon with Josh.