HER SECRET, HIS BABY

by Tanya Michaels

  “Knock, knock!” The cheerful voice preceded a gray-haired doctor poking his head inside the room. “I’m Dr. Wallace. I hear we’re having some dizziness and tachycardia today?”

  Why did doctors speak in plural like that, Arden wondered, as if using the royal we? “Does tachycardia mean my heart tried to pound through my chest?” she asked wearily.

  “It’s when your heart beats abnormally fast, yes. There are several reasons it can happen during pregnancy.” Dr. Wallace went over the possibilities while looking at the vitals the nurse had collected. Then he checked the baby’s heartbeat. “Just a precaution, of course. We have no reason to think anything’s wrong with the little guy. Or gal.”

  Arden had grown accustomed to the use of fetal dopplers in her OB appointments and the reassuring whoosh-whoosh sound, but she’d forgotten this was Garrett’s first time. He went completely still, the restless anger that had been palpable a few minutes ago fading into wonderment. His eyes widened.

  “That’s the heartbeat?” he asked reverently. “It’s fast.”

  “Well within the standard range,” Dr. Wallace assured them. But as Nurse Sonja had predicted, the doctor wanted to monitor Arden and the baby for some readings before letting them leave the hospital. He pushed Arden’s gown up farther, the preliminary gel a cool tickle against her skin.

  Although the sheet on the hospital bed kept her lower half covered, embarrassment heated her face. The last time Garrett had seen her unclothed, she’d looked a lot different than she did now.

  When she was younger, Arden had stayed in shape by trying to keep up with her two athletic brothers. She’d been trim most of her life, and grief after Natalie’s and Danny’s deaths had robbed her of her appetite. Since her pregnancy had begun to show, she’d often felt awkward, but never fat—a growing baby was a healthy one. At the moment, however, vanity reared its head. Would Garrett be repulsed by her swollen body?

  Why should you care if he is? Their night together had been amazing, but it had also been a one-time occurrence. It wasn’t as if she wanted him to find her attractive. Even if she did, she suspected not contacting him about the baby had forever tarnished her in Garrett’s eyes.

  Within moments, the doctor had the sensors in place. “You try to relax, young lady, and I’ll be back to check on you later. Meanwhile, I’ll have the nurse bring you some water. It’s important to stay hydrated.”

  All too soon, he was gone, leaving her and Garrett alone once more.

  “You want to have a seat?” she offered. It was a small room, and the only chair would put him in uncomfortably close proximity to her. Yet almost anything seemed preferable to his earlier pacing. His taut strides made her think of caged predators.

  He sat, but kept shifting position, obviously ill-at-ease. “Have you, um, had other problems during the pregnancy? Everything okay with you and the baby?”

  “The doctors say everything’s normal, even my being sick as a dog well into the second trimester.” But she worried sometimes. It was frustrating to wake up with a sharp pain at three in the morning and have no one she could talk to about her fears. Early on, she’d posted a question to an online forum for soon-to-be-mothers. Despite a couple of helpful responses, the possibility of misinformation and the discovery that some people were far too willing to share horror stories had kept her from doing so again. “Apparently nausea can be a good sign that the baby’s nice and strong. Plus, my being too sick to run the office alone led to hiring Layla, and she became a good friend. I...needed a friend.”

  Did Garrett hear the ache in her voice, the echo of solitude that had plagued her for so many months? What he’d said down in the emergency room was true. She did owe him answers. Starting with the night they’d met.

  “My brother Colin married my best friend several years ago,” she said haltingly. “Natalie and I had been best friends since kindergarten, the year my mom died. Colin’s a great guy, but he’s always had too much responsibility. He rarely laughed. Natalie changed that. She changed him. He doted on her and their baby boy. But then Nat and Danny were killed in a car accident.”

  Garrett watched her silently, obviously unsure what to do with this information but not interrupting.

  “It destroyed Colin and devastated me. The day your friend Hugh got married? That was Natalie’s birthday, the first one I didn’t get to spend with her as far back as I could remember. I was in a lot of pain that day. Meeting you was about the best thing that could happen to me. You were...” She broke off, assailed by memories that seemed excruciatingly intimate with him sitting only inches from her side. He’d been by turns tender and passionate, driving her need to such a sharp peak that there’d been no room in her for any other emotion.

  On sheer impulse, she reached over and squeezed his hand. “Thank you.”

  He looked taken aback. “Uh, my pleasure.”

  “Having a baby was the furthest thing from my mind,” she added. “At first I was too shocked to be scared or happy. But I’ve been around death, too much of it, and the idea of bringing a new life into the world... This may sound insane to you, but it almost felt like a goodbye present from Natalie. Some sort of cosmic full circle.”

  “And there wasn’t room in that circle for anyone else?” He abandoned his chair in favor of resumed pacing.

  Six months ago, he’d helped heal her hurting. The last thing in the world she wanted was to wound him. Another apology hovered on the tip of her tongue, but she recalled his hostile reaction to her previous attempt.

  “I hardly knew anything about you,” she reminded him. “I tried to imagine how my brother Justin would react if he discovered, completely out of the blue, that a near stranger was carrying his child. It was daunting. By the time the nausea and confusion subsided, months had passed. You could have had a serious girlfriend, plans for the future I would be ruining! Telling you seemed like too big a risk. After a lot of sleepless nights, I decided it would be best for my child to have no father than one who might resent it.”

  He stopped his pacing and stared her down. “So you were protecting both me and the baby by keeping the news to yourself?” His chuckle was like broken glass. “I wonder if all mothers have this gift for rationalizing dishonesty.”

  All mothers?

  The slight knock at the door made them both jump, and a nurse entered with a pitcher of ice water and some plastic-wrapped cups. She drew up short, her smile fading as she registered the tension in the room.

  “I hope I’m not interrupting,” she said hesitantly. “Dr. Wallace asked me to bring some water.”

  Garrett nodded his head at her, making a visible effort not to appear intimidating. “Much appreciated, ma’am.”

  The nurse smiled at him before asking Arden, “Is there anything else you need?”

  Yeah, a do-over button. Or, barring that, the words that would make Garrett understand what she’d been feeling, her belief that she was making the right decision for all three of them. What were the odds that the hospital stocked second chances and forgiveness alongside the antibiotics and lime Jell-O?

  * * *

  AFTER HER RELEASE from the hospital, Arden had tried to talk Garrett into driving her back to her car. “You can follow me home if you’re worried about me,” she’d proposed. But he’d categorically refused. Now, as she struggled to keep her eyes open, she found herself grateful for his inflexibility. If anyone had asked her a few hours ago, she would have sworn the day’s events had left her too shaken to sleep for a week. But one of the periodic side effects of pregnancy was a full-body fatigue so encompassing it bordered on paralysis.

  By the time Garrett pulled his truck into her driveway, the September sun was dipping below the horizon.

  “This is it.” She smothered a yawn. “Home sweet home.” In terms of square footage, the cozy two-bedroom house was actually smaller than her former apar
tment. But once she’d learned she was pregnant, she’d wanted to own something, a place that was all hers. Mine and the baby’s.

  Besides, while walking up three flights of stairs every day might have been one of the lifestyle choices that helped keep her in shape, it would be more difficult to navigate while carrying boxes of diapers and an infant car seat. She’d traded all those steps for a neatly fenced-in postage stamp of a yard. Did it look sad and despondent to a rancher who was used to the open range, hundreds of acres of pastureland where cattle grazed beneath the Colorado sky? Based on Garrett’s grudgingly solicitous manner, from not leaving her side at the hospital to not letting her get behind the wheel, she wouldn’t be surprised if he insisted on walking her inside. Would he judge the meager surroundings inadequate for his child?

  “This is a really good school district,” she blurted.

  He quirked an eyebrow at the spontaneous announcement.

  Her face warmed. “Just thinking ahead.” By five years, plus or minus. Even though she might not be living here when it came time for the baby to go to kindergarten, she was doing her best to make all the right decisions.

  She slanted a glance at Garrett’s stony profile. Ironically, she may have already botched her biggest parenting decision thus far.

  As he helped her down from the truck, she couldn’t help noting that his hand was warm and callused. How did a man with labor-roughened skin caress a woman with such silky gentleness? The way he’d touched her— Whoa. Where had that memory come from? She shook her head as if she could physically dislodge the mental image.

  He frowned. “Everything okay? You look flushed.”

  “Pregnancy comes with a lot of weird side effects.” Like hormones in hyperdrive. Mostly, those hormones had manifested themselves in very vivid, very detailed dreams that made her blush the next morning. One of the more anecdotal pregnancy books had mentioned the phenomenon, and the author advised women to enjoy the perk. But it was disquieting to experience that surge of lust in front of Garrett.

  She yanked her hand out of his. When his expression grew even stormier, she tried to mitigate her action with a lame explanation. “I, ah, need to get my keys.” As she unlocked the front door, her stomach emitted an embarrassing rumble. Hunger ran a close second to exhaustion.

  “I’m starving,” he commented. “Didn’t get around to eating lunch today.”

  “Me neither.”

  “Let’s get you situated and decide on a plan for food. Maybe I can whip up something for dinner.”

  “I don’t know about that.” She stepped inside, flashing a sheepish glance over her shoulder. “My grocery shopping got cut short the other day. The kitchen’s not fully stocked.”

  Should she mention the nearby pizza place that delivered? Would she be able to sit through a meal in Garrett’s presence, or would nerves keep her from eating? She appreciated how civil he was being, but the friction between them was as pointed as it had been when he strode into her office today. She was too drained to withstand much more.

  Needing to get off her feet before she fell off them, she made a beeline for the ratty armchair she’d found at a rummage sale years ago. She’d had it steam-cleaned with the distant plan of someday reupholstering. Since she’d never gotten around to that part, the chair looked like blue-plaid hell, but it was inexplicably comfortable.

  Garrett was slow to follow. After a moment, she realized he was examining the framed pictures on her wall.

  “Did you take all of these?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  Portraits of Justin and Colin were scattered among a jumble of other subjects, from a black-and-white shot of a stone well to a close-up of a light purple dahlia bud in midbloom. There was a landscape photo taking up too much space; she’d squeezed it in to replace the family picture of Colin with his wife and son that had been exiled to temporary storage in her closet.

  “You’re very talented,” Garrett said. “Darcy and Hugh showed me their wedding album. They were thrilled with your work.”

  She swallowed, briefly closing her eyes. “Do they know about the baby?” Had Garrett told them about how she’d jumped into bed with him, shared his suspicions that this baby was his? Lord, what they must think of her. “I mean, of course they know I’m pregnant, I’ve seen them in town. But do they know...?”

  “That I’m a daddy? How the hell could I have told them when I didn’t even know?” he exploded. He began pacing, not that there was much more space here than he’d had in the hospital room. In a slightly calmer voice, he asked, “Does the idea of anyone knowing we were together bother you so much? I’ve never felt like a woman’s dirty secret before.”

  “It’s not like that,” she said miserably. “It has nothing to do with you.” She recalled the pitying looks her teachers had given her after her father died, the local news stories after Natalie’s crash. She hated for anyone to have reason to talk about her and her family. But Garrett shouldn’t be penalized for her hang-ups.

  He rubbed his temple absently. “It’s not as if your neighbors are gonna buy that the stork brought the baby. So who cares if they know it was me?”

  “I’m handling this badly.” She sighed. “I’ve never...I’m pretty inexperienced.”

  “You mean because you’re a first-time mom?”

  “Inexperienced with men. And, um, sex in general.” At his startled look, she added, “I’d had sex before—just, infrequently. And only with long-term boyfriends I knew really, really well. I’m not ashamed of what happened between us. I’m just at a loss for... If I say ‘I’m sorry’ again, are you going to yell?”

  His sudden grin was so unexpected and striking that it made her knees weak. Thank God I’m already sitting.

  “No yelling,” he promised.

  “Thank you. I am sorry. I don’t know what I’m doing.” There were manuals and chat rooms, even documentary-style television shows that revolved around pregnancy and birth. But none of them had outlined the protocol for how to weather whispered rumors, or break the news to appalled, overprotective brothers or how to cope with the gorgeous one-night stand you’d never expected to see again.

  His smile faded. “If you’d told me the truth, maybe we could have figured it out together. For the record, since you broached the subject today, there’s no girlfriend, serious or otherwise.”

  The declaration warmed her far more than it should have. Not because I’m interested in him romantically, but because I’d hate to complicate a third person’s life with all of this.

  “Based on what Hugh said, can I safely assume there’s no guy in the picture?” he asked.

  She almost laughed at the suggestion that she was dating anyone. How many men fantasized about meeting a gal who barfed for months on end, then began steadily swelling to the size of a beluga? The hint of vulnerability that flickered in Garrett’s gaze sobered her. Did he worry that someone else was poised to play the role of father to his child?

  “No guy,” she said softly. Except you.

  His tense shoulders lowered the merest fraction of an inch. There was relief and something less definable in his eyes. Possessiveness? Awareness sizzled through Arden, replacing her earlier lethargy with something more energetic. And far more complicated. Her voice caught in her throat.

  Changing the subject, he clapped his palms together. “Point me in the direction of the kitchen. I’ll check out the dinner options.”

  “I wasn’t kidding about rations being low.” She used the arms of the chair to hoist herself upward. “But I think we can manage salad and some grilled cheese sandwiches.”

  As someone who lived alone, she wasn’t used to anyone else puttering around in her kitchen. Letting him wait on her would just be too weird. “Can I offer you something to drink? I don’t have any sodas or beer, but there’s lemonade or filtered water. I could brew some tea.”r />
  “Lemonade sounds great.” He trailed her into the kitchen.

  “I’ll get glasses. Lemonade’s in the fridge,” she directed. “And there should be some fruit salad left.”

  He turned to the refrigerator but stopped when he caught sight of the sonogram photos secured with promotional magnets from the Donnelly ski lodge. The first picture was from so early in the pregnancy that the baby was a mere peanut-shaped blip; a circle the doctor had drawn in ink showed where the heart was. But the other pictures were from a recent appointment. It was easy to make out the baby’s head and profile.

  “So, um, that’s the little guy. Figuratively speaking,” she clarified. “I have no idea what the gender is. I’ve decided to be surprised.” She’d had trouble explaining her decision to friends and family, but there had been enough ugly surprises in Arden’s life. Why not revel in one that was wonderful? “I’ve been calling the baby Peanut since I’m not sure what pronoun to use.”

  Garrett traced his thumb lightly over the edge of a photo. “These are amazing. To have such a clear look at someone who’s not even... I’ve looked at bovine sonograms, but this—”

  “Did you just compare pictures of our unborn child to those of cows?” she interrupted with mock indignation. Reaching around him, she pulled butter and cheese from the refrigerator.

  He shrugged. “Hey, it’s the life I know. Sleep with a cowboy, you gotta expect the occasional livestock mention.”

  “Good to know. I’ll keep that...” In mind for next time. The thoughtless words evaporated from her lips. Next time? With whom? Certainly not him.

  For starters, her major lie of omission probably guaranteed there would never be anything tender between her and Garrett. That aside, romance of any kind had dropped completely off her list of priorities for the time being. She hoped that, eventually, she and Garrett could overcome the strain between them for their child’s sake, and develop a smooth, cordial relationship. Romantic entanglement was a risk that didn’t make sense. Long-distance dating was difficult under the best of circumstances, and if they braved a relationship, only to have it end badly... I’ll take ‘Ways to Make an Awkward Situation Even Worse’ for a thousand, Alex.