VIBGYOR

by Keerthana Jayaraj

  “I feel sick.” Goldy said. “Is this the sort of thing normal people do to one another?” “As long as humans decide they know the best when it comes to someone else…”

  “Get lost!” Raised voices again. Shiva was screeching at the top of her voice, making her sound like a goddamn banshee. I guess everyone sounds like a banshee when angry…Sometimes I do wonder why furious people are not labeled possessed. I mean…No one is in control when they lose their temper.

  “I told you not to mess with my life! I told you to leave me alone!”

  “I am your father goddammit! Do you expect me to let you run wild without saying something about it?”

  “I could have done….” There was the something smashing. Sigh…Another vase, plate or mug wasted. I could never understand this human obsession with smashing things. I guess it feels good to humans or something. Or maybe it’s their coping mechanism. But mostly I think they enjoy hitting something that won’t hit back. Pretty sadistic if you ask me…

  The door was pushed opened so forcefully that it slammed into the wall. Mr Raghunath barged in. He stood in front of the bed and breathed heavily like an angry rhino.

  “Ungrateful bitch!” He screamed. “Fucking ungrateful…”

  I shook my head and laughed, my eyes still fixed on his pathetic face. Seriously? Was he seriously suggesting that…

  “Bloody…” Another string of ‘charming’ words followed.

  “He does have quite the vocabulary.” Goldy rolled her eyes and said.

  When we went down I seriously expected to see Shivani curled up in a fetal position and crying her eyes out. Not that I blame her for that. Nor would I call her a wimp for acting that way. She had had a horrible day…

  But the only sound downstairs was the clicking of the typewriter keys…Ok not exactly clicking. More like someone banging each key forcefully. When I peeked inside the room Shiva was pulling out a paper from the typewriter and crumpling it into a ball.

  “God, this is no good!” she exclaimed as she threw it on the floor.

  “You can say that again, girl.” Goldy sighed.

  Gradually the backs turned into loud clicks and then softer clicks. The anger in Shiva’s face drained away to be replaced by a perfectly serene smile. Her heavy breathing became normal and steady. She picked the paper from the typewriter and read it twice. Then gently put it in the pile of typed pages.

  I moved towards it instinctively and touched it. It was then she saw him on the street. What made him stand out ? He had only half a face…The entire left half was a mass of burnt and peeling skin. A gaping hole remained where his left eye used to be. Pity and revulsion rose into her mouth. They tasted bitter.

  “Hi…I haven’t seen you around here…” She started. He had noticed her among the crowd. He had actually noticed her. Noticed her among the sea of undamaged perfect people. Was it that surprising though? He was as damaged as she was. But there were no chains on his legs…He was free.

  For whatever reason, I wanted to weep. There was something so…naive…so desperate…so terribly futile in those words. Shiva’s eyes were full of a new hope. She had started to dream again. Looking at her scared me. It was like looking at a friend standing at the top of a mountain, ready to jump.

  “I don’t know…” Goldy mumbled.

  I said nothing. My eyes were glued to Shivani. She was leaning back against the chair now, her eyes staring at the ceiling. The old woman groaned and turned in her bed. “Shiva…What was all the sound from earlier? Surely you didn’t argue with your father again, did you?” “Would it matter so much if did?”

  For a whole minute, nothing was said. Shiva typed random letters on the typewriter, deliberately ignoring her mother. Devi mumbled incoherent things and sighed. The blanket slipped from her body and fell down to the floor.

  “Why do you have to make things so difficult, Shivani? Just let him…Just let him do things his way…Don’t…”

  Shiva stood up abruptly. “In other words, I have to be you. Just lie down and let him stomp all over me and things would be all right….I’m sorry Mom, but I’m tired of that. I’m tired of…I’m tired of being a goddamn doormat.”

  “It wouldn’t be being a doormat. When you actually obey the wishes of someone you love…That’s not being a doormat. That’s showing them that you care…That’s…” She tried to sit up but fell back on the bed again.

  “Please Shiva…I beg you…He may make wrong choices and say the wrong things but he’s your Dad. Please show him some respect…” “Cut the crap about respect and sacrifice!” Shiva exclaimed. “Let me ask you one thing mother. Just one thing. You have given in to his every whim and wish. You have given him all your time. Fetched and carried for him. Cooked only the things he liked. Did every thing he asked. Not spoken a word against him. What has he given you in return?”

  The old woman coughed.

  “I loved him…” She said slowly. “And…”

  Tears rolled down her cheeks. She turned her head away from her daughter and said no more. As for Shiva, she simply stood looking at her mother. Confusion was written all over her face. Tears glinted in her eyes but they refused to come down easily as her mother’s had done.

  “I wish I understood…”

  She sank down in the chair and gazed at the typewriter as though asking it to provide all the answers.

  “I kind of wish that too girl…” said Goldy wearily.

  “But surely…By now…You know its impossible. Or are you really that naive my dears?” We turned around without much surprise. The Red was standing by the door, its tiny eyes glinting with a malicious pleasure.

  “Violets are such idealistic fools.” She lisped. “And Yellows…” She tilted her head slightly as she looked at Goldy. “Too attached to your rose coloured glasses aren’t you?”

  “My rose coloured glasses fell down and broke a few days ago.” Goldy mumbled. “Do not waste your time trying to understand human beings…” The Red leered at us. “Do you seriously have no idea what is expected of you? Naive idiots…” “We are not going to kill anyone.” I said curtly.

  “So you prefer to fail on purpose and take your punishment?” The Red smiled. “How foolhardy of you…”

  I tried to ignore the sinking feeling in my heart. Would not going ahead mean failure? In the end, would I have to…

  “I can see you never thought of that…” It moved towards me and touched my hand. I cringed and braced myself for the pain but it didn’t come. “You are an in idiot…And too much of a softie.” It said. “Why do you want to give up everything for these people? And drag your friend down with you too…It’s a shame really…A mighty shame…”

  And just like that it was gone. I stood still like a statue, it’s voice ringing in my ears. “Don’t listen to it.” Goldy said, matter of factly.

  I sighed and turned to her. “You are free to get out of this mess any time you want. I won’t stop you.” “That thing is right. You are an idiot, Shakthi…As if I would want to do that.” She laid a hand on my shoulder. “This might sound horribly sappy but here goes. You are not alone in this. Like it or not…”

  I gazed into her eyes. My mind ran over several things I wanted to say. Only one of them came out of my mouth.

  “Thank you.” For the rest of the day Shiva pretty much remained in the room. The only times she went out was to cook for her mother. She fed the old lady and gave her medicine. But throughout the day Shiva never spoke to her mother. Devi was very much aware of this. She eyed her daughter warily, apparently taking in the hurt and frustration in her eyes.

  “There are some things you wouldn’t understand.” She said, when Shiva brought her tea and bread. “Please don’t…”

  “I’ll try my best to ignore them.” Shiva said bitingly. “I’ll try my very best to ignore them.”

  A single tear ran down the woman’s cheek as she turned away from her daughter. “I…I’m sorry, Shiva.” She said in a barely audible whisper.

  S
hiva stood looking at her mother for a while and then she strode out of the room. A sob came from the quivering figure under the blanket. I felt a sudden gush of sympathy for the poor soul. What had Shiva been thinking? In her anger…In her frustration she had forgotten her mother’s pain. I sat on the bed and gently massaged her hot forehead.

  “I would like to know what you are hiding from your daughter.” I said conversationally, although I knew she couldn’t hear me. “I’d also like to know why you still love that man. He has hated you all his life…Why?”

  The woman groaned and curled under her blanket.

  “Raghu…” She said slowly.

  “He has never come to see you.” I said. “Not once…”

  Mr. Raghunath did come. As the clock on the wall struck 8:00, while his daughter was in the kitchen, he stood in the doorway, his eyes fixed on his wife. He took two steps in but retreated almost immediately. The deep pain in his eyes cut into me like a knife.

  “He’s just so…” Goldy snorted as she entered the room. I was sure she too took in his pained face and saw the intolerable amount of hurt, guilt and self loathing. “What have you been doing?” I asked her quietly. Reading love letters…” She said. “I don’t know why I bothered. No name attached to any of them. Always Flower Girl. And of course, we are no close to understanding what happened to her.”

  I resisted the urge to smirk. Who was the one getting all side tracked now? “You can stop looking so smug Shakti…” Goldy said, looking rather annoyed. “It wasn’t an entirely futile search. I did find something.”

  “What?”

  “A half ruined photograph. A girl standing in the middle of a garden. Her eyes hidden by a huge straw hat…” “Flower Girl…”

  “I could see a small building in the background. A what’s-it’s-name flower shop.”

  “You seriously suggesting we visit this flower shop? It could be anywhere in the world…”

  Goldy’s face fell. I stared at her incredulously. She had been thinking of visiting the flower shop! I shook my head, trying to suppress a smile.

  “She sounds so nice…In the letters, I mean. It’s a shame…” Her voice trailed away. She was about to say something else when Mr. Raghunath sighed. I stood up and looked at him. It had been a rather loud sigh. Almost as if he wanted his wife to hear him.

  The woman’s eyes were wide open. But she didn’t respond. Her eyes were fixed on the wall. Tears slowly welled up in them.

  “Devi…” He called out slowly. Still, she didn’t turn around. Tears slowly rolled down her cheeks.

  Mr. Raghunath took two steps in again. “Devi…” It was more like a wail than a simple call. The woman twitched a little still deliberately faced the other way. He opened his mouth to call out again but closed it almost at once. After one more hurt glance at his wife he was gone.

  The woman turned to look at the now empty doorway.

  “Raghu…” She sighed.

  Grief filled the room like fog, obscuring all colour and solid details. Was this how humans felt when all hope was lost? Blind and deaf to everything else around them but the thick mist. Forcing them to retreat into a shell, unable to do anything but suffocate in their own despair.

  “I feel sick.” Goldy muttered and floated out of the room. The next morning, a file full of papers in hand, Shiva walked into the all too familiar apartment building, me and Goldy following close behind. The door predictably was opened by Dan, who greeted Shiva in his usual cheerful and bubbly way. She smiled and entered, her eyes immediately locking on Jacob. He was in his usual contemplative spot by the window, his dead eyes staring into the busy street.

  “Hi Shiva…” He said.

  Without responding to this greeting, she went and stood next to him. “Are you all right?” Jacob sighed before putting on a obviously false smile. “I suppose I’m being an idiot Jacob sighed before putting on a obviously false smile. “I suppose I’m being an idiot again.”

  Shiva glanced at Dan. He pointed to an envelope on Jacob’s lap. She took it and pulled out what obviously an elaborate wedding card. For a moment her face darkened.

  “I’ll bet one will come to me as well.” She said unemotionally.

  Of course… It was a wedding invitation to Nandan and Anasuya’s wedding. I snorted in disgust. Beside me Goldy made a rude noise.

  “Sometimes…” She said. “I do think the Red is right. How low can these people sink?”

  “Does that mean they deserve to die?”

  “Of course, not!” Goldy exclaimed. She shook her head again and again as if shocked at what she had been thinking.

  “No…of course I didn’t mean that…” She repeated again, her eyes wide and confused.

  Suddenly, an alarming thought entered my head. It was out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

  “I wonder what she would say if she heard our conversation just now…She’s really good at fucking with our minds.” One minute…Two minutes…Three minutes…It took a while for the shock to disappear. For us to stop watching every corner anxiously…For me to convince myself that she hadn’t followed us this particular time. Meanwhile, the conversation of the humans in the room had entered a more pleasant territory.

  “Since I obviously bored you to death by being a whiner…” Jacob was saying. “Let me make it up to you.” He smiled “Read and I’ll listen.”

  It was as if he had some sort of magic button to switch between cheerful and gloomy. Putting on a mask and taking it off.

  “Do I have to ask you how you know that?” Shiva asked with a smile. “I have a feeling you’ll explain it in detail whether I want you to or not…”

  “This time I’d rather not…” Jacob shot back. “An explanation would ruin a simple trick…”

  “Like how my file brushed against you when I picked up the card?”

  “What was the need of the ‘I’m not impressed’ voice, Shivani?” asked Jacob, feigning offense. “Seriously…It wasn’t that bad a deduction…Besides…” “Please don’t make up another reason.” “You know…I wasn’t lying when I told you I was way too familiar with tones…” He said serenely. “Your voice was eager when you greeted Dan but…when you saw me in a…” His eyes twinkled. “In a less that optimal state…although you pitied me… although you were anxious…you couldn’t hide your disappointment, could you?”

  “That…” Shiva’s voice faltered. Her eyes looked a little guilty. “Could you really…” “Of course…” He said gently. “Of course I heard that.”

  “Jacob!You shouldn’t!” Dan exclaimed as Shiva opened her mouth to apologize. “You shouldn’t say things like that.” “It’s true though…” Shiva said slowly.

  “Don’t apologize.” Jacob said in the same gentle tone. “It wasn’t wrong of you…” “What?”

  “I said it wasn’t wrong of you to feel that way at first…It was the most natural thing in the world…”

  There was silence for a long time. Shiva still looked guilty. Jacob’s explanation obviously hadn’t been enough for her. “I’d like to hear it. In fact, I wouldn’t even have minded if you had said that… Honestly, Shiva it’s alright.” Jacob said, smiling at her. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty or anything…I…” He went red. “I was just…Ok…I’ll be truthful. I was just trying to show off…really…”

  Shiva still looked doubtful.

  “Really…” He repeated.

  Dan bit his lip and glanced first at Jacob and then at Shiva. He appeared to think hard for a moment and then playfully punched his friend on his shoulder.

  “Idiot!” he said “You could have added a sorry to that too, you know.” Jacob chuckled. “I guess I must fix that.” He paused. “Shiva…I really am sorry. I really didn’t mean to hurt or or offend you. I would like to hear what you have written.”

  Shiva still didn’t look convinced. But she opened her file and took out her papers. She read them all in her dramatic passionate voice, her eyes darting often towards Jacob, watching the subtle chan
ges in his expressions.

  “He was a rather unusual white knight.” Jacob said softly as Shiva put her precious “He was a rather unusual white knight.” Jacob said softly as Shiva put her precious manuscript back into the file.

  “What?” “A man with half his face burned…” Jacob said thoughtfully. “Where’s the dashing young hero ready to fight by the heroine’s side? Isn’t that how…how stories are supposed to go?”

  “Does a person like that woman need a hero?” Shiva sat down on the floor, next to him. “Maybe…”

  “Maybe?” “Maybe she just needs someone who would look at her and talk to her like a normal human being…A person who wouldn’t…poison any conversation with spite or sympathy…A person who wouldn’t view her as a problem to get rid of…A person she can be normal around…”

  For the briefest of moments, I saw the glint of tears in her eyes.

  “And maybe she felt…” Shiva continued. “She felt that he too wanted that.”

  There was silence. Twice Jacob opened his mouth but no voice came out. Dan had withdrawn into the kitchen. Loud noises of cups and plates being moved drifted in through the open door.

  “What is she driving at?” Goldy exclaimed. I shushed her and waited for the silence to break.

  “Shiva…Are you sorry for me?” Jacob’s voice was barely audible. His eyes were fixed on the floor. Shiva smiled and moved closer to his wheelchair. Gently she took his hand. “Do I have to answer that question?” She asked softly.

  “I…” Jacob closed his eyes. Tears trickled through his shut eyelids and rolled down his cheeks. Shiva squeezed his hand. “I admire you Jacob…I admire you for who you are. I…” “Shiva…”

  She shushed him and continued. “I feel sane when I’m here…with Dan…with you…” Shiva let go of his hand. “I don’t spend time with you because I pity you Jacob…I…”

  Jacob sighed. “Shiva…”

  “Like I wrote down…I feel free…happy…normal…”

  “Oh my goodness!” Goldy said, emphasizing each word. “Are you hearing this, Shakti?” I was about to tell her to be quiet when Jacob broke down. He wept covering his face with his hands. For a long time he wouldn’t stop. A terrified Shiva shook him again and again, as she called out to Dan.