VIBGYOR

by Keerthana Jayaraj

  Jacob raised his head and looked in her direction just as Dan came rushing out of the kitchen. “What happened?” He sat down by his friend and inquired anxiously. “Just me being an idiot…” Jacob told him.

  Dan didn’t look as he was convinced but at his friend’s insistence, he returned to the kitchen.

  “In fact…” said Jacob after he was gone. “I can’t quite figure out which of us is being the bigger idiot.” “It’s definitely not me.” Shiva smiled a little.

  “Do you even have any idea what you are talking about, Shiva?”

  “I know perfectly well what I’m talking about.” She said firmly.

  Jacob sighed and turned his head away from her. “Our imaginations, when thinking of the the things we want or things we like are almost foolishly optimistic. It can’t see how things go bad. People can change their…They can get tired of or even hate the things they were once attracted to.”

  Shiva’s eyes never left him while he made this little speech. She took his hand again after he was done. “Look here, Jacob…” She whispered. “Stop this philosophizing and listen to me. I…I like you. And it’s not some feeling based on sympathy either. I like you simply because you are a good person and being with you makes me happy…”

  “Do you think I don’t like you?”

  Shiva didn’t respond. She looked into his sad eyes as if trying to decipher his thoughts.

  “One day you may come to the realization that I am just a broken worthless man. Being with me, instead of making you happy, may become a chore.” “That’s ridiculous!”

  “You may regret meeting me…”

  “Of course, not!”

  “You can’t be sure about that.”

  Shivani squeezed his hand. “Of course, I can. No one can be surer about that than me.” She moved closer to him and said. “I’m sure you already know this but…I’m as broken and crippled as you are. Just…not on the outside.” She smiled. “Meeting you may have been the best thing that happened to me. Nothing will ever change that.”

  “How can you even say you are broken, Shiva? Look at me…Just…” “You are an idiot, Jacob…” Shiva sighed. “I lost my child…Felt her slowly die… Inside me…I nearly went mad…If I didn’t meet you…I would have probably landed in some…crazy house. I know what happened to me Jacob. I know how broken I am.”

  For a while Jacob didn’t. Shiva raised his hand slowly. Smiling, she touched it with her lips. Jacob didn’t move. Tears brimmed his eyes.

  “You are the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. If you weren’t such an idiot, you would realize…”

  “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d understand…” Jacob cut in. “You’d understand…” He sighed. “I…I…” He released his hand from her grip. Then he gently took hers.

  “I love you, Shivani. But my love…It will only hurt you.”

  “What if I don’t care?”

  “I care…Because you…Because you mean a lot to me.” He raised her hand and kissed it. “I love you Shivani…” He let go quickly and said cheerfully. “Dan…If you are done overhearing, you can come out.”

  “What!” Shiva exclaimed. She got up, quick as lightening, her face a deep red. An equally red faced Dan emerged from the kitchen. “I had no idea what you two were going to talk about.” He said sheepishly. “Of course…You had no idea when you went hiding in the kitchen.” Jacob laughed. “Don’t be a jerk, Jacob.” Dan shot back.

  Before Shivani left, Jacob talked to her alone.

  “Shiva…I want this to be the last conversation of this sort we have. I want you to let “Shiva…I want this to be the last conversation of this sort we have. I want you to letVIBGYOR

  go of things that may hurt you. Maybe…” He turned away from her. “Stopping your visits here may help.” “No…You wouldn’t…Can you say you won’t miss me?”

  “I will miss you…but that…that pain would go away…”

  “Will it?”

  Jacob turned his head away from her and didn’t reply.

  CHAPTER 24

  Shivani sat in front of the typewriter, staring at a blank piece of paper. A single tear clung on to her long eyelashes, glinting in the light coming from the dining room. “Did she go insane today? Seriously…” Goldy muttered. “Saying…” I did not reply. The blank paper…I kept looking at it, seeing unwritten words appear. All in red. All untidily scrawled.

  Why…Sorry…Why couldn’t… It was as if Shiva’s mind was writing down her hopelessness on paper. Tears glistened in her eyes but she wiped them off ruefully. With a new determination, she tapped the keys on the typewriter.

  How foolish had she been…How could she have ever thought him free? He was as bound as she was. Only…His chains were invisible. He had taught himself to endure…to keep his face unemotional. But his insides were always screaming in agony. She could hear it as she got closer to him.

  Shiva paused and reread everything she wrote. Then, she began typing again. Two broken people brought together by fate…Two souls, unhappy and trampled upon. All the times they were together, colour returned to their dull grey world. As their eyes locked, everything else ceased to matter. They were two broken souls and they could heal each other.

  She stood up, watched her mother for a little while and retreated into the kitchen. “How could she…” Goldy said incredulously beside me.

  “How could she what?” I asked irritably.

  “How could she fall in love with a…”

  “Do you know you are talking like Mr. Raghunath?”

  Goldy’s eyes widened. “No…No…I did not mean it like that…” She paused. “She’s a human isn’t she?”

  “She sure looks like one to me.” I laughed.

  “Then what the heck…I mean how the heck does she even fall in love with someone like Jacob?” “Maybe the sympathy and affection she felt for the man…It wasn’t on the surface… “Maybe the sympathy and affection she felt for the man…It wasn’t on the surface…VIBGYOR

  Maybe she saw something in him…Something other than his unattractive broken body…”

  Goldy appeared to sink deep in thought. She looked confused and doubtful, as if she wasn’t entirely convinced by my words. Shiva visited Jacob the next day, outwardly looking as if nothing happened. She greeted Dan cheerfully as he opened the door and walked straight up to Jacob who was by the window.

  “Jacob…” She called softly before sitting down on the floor next to him. Jacob started. A smile flashed across his face. Just as quickly it vanished. “Shiva…” He said softly. “I thought we talked about this…”

  Shiva bit her lip. “Yes…We talked…”

  “Then why…”

  “Do you mind hearing me out?”

  “What more is there to hear out? I don’t…”

  “Can’t we continue to be friends?” Shiva asked. Her eyes, calm and clear were fixed on Jacob’s face. “The conversation we had…I promise I will never repeat it.” For a few minutes, Jacob didn’t speak. He simply stared out of the window. There was a glint of tears in his eyes. “No…It’s…”

  “Do you think I’ll not keep my word?”

  “I know you will keep your word.” Jacob sighed. “I’m not…I’m not sure about myself…Now that I know…Now that I know you return my feelings…” Shiva smiled. She laid her hand on his and asked gently. “What are you afraid of, Jacob?” Jacob started. He tore his eyes away from the window and fixed them on Shivani. “I just don’t want you hurt. Me…What can I give you except pain?”

  “Is that all?” Shiva asked shrewdly. When Jacob didn’t respond, she moved closer to him and whispered. “I am not Anasuya, Jacob.”

  “I know that…” Jacob said mechanically, turning away from her. “I do know that.” “Do you think I’d dump you once I get tired of you? Do you seriously feel that I’m “Do you think I’d dump you once I get tired of you? Do you seriously feel that I’mVIBGYOR that kind of girl?”

  “No…Of course not…” Jacob l
ooked horrified. “Of course I know you’d never do that…”

  Shiva just smiled and continued to look at him. It was as though she was willing him to speak.

  “Shiva…I just…I don’t think I can bear it if you despise me…If I ever feel like a troublesome burden to you…”

  “That would never happen.” Shiva said slowly. “You wouldn’t go away…That much I know. You’re too good a girl to do that… You’d swallow all your grief and frustration and stay with me…Just…Just tolerating me…”

  “That’s rubbish!”

  “You will get tired of me one day…” He repeated. “You will…”

  “And you are so sure of that, why?”

  “Just take a good look at me, Shivani…Taking care of me would become a chore…I know it will.”

  “I wouldn’t mind that.”

  “It’ll take away the time you set aside for the things you love - your writing, reading a good book…You’ll resent me terribly for that.” Shiva sighed. “Do you know the condition I was in when I first met you, Jacob? I was nearly mad…If I pulled myself together, even for a tiny bit…Its thanks to you, Jacob.” She said quietly. “You are a great person, so you can stop all this ‘I’m unworthy’ monologues’”

  “I’m unworthy, Shivani. Anyone who sees us side by side will say that.” “Do we really need universal approval?” Shiva asked softly.

  “Shiva…I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life…I don’t want to make another… Please…” “I have made mistakes too…” Shiva said. “The greatest of which…” She paused. “I gave up my job and my…ambition. Just because my Dad forced me to. I should never have done that…I should never have allowed someone to…to make me do things I didn’t like. I should have made my own choices…”

  “And if they are wrong choices?”

  “Even if they are and I come to regret…At least they would be my choices.” Jacob didn’t speak. His eyes were fixed blankly on the opposite wall.

  “When I told Vaishnav Sachidanand to get the hell away from me…That was my choice. Now…”

  “Of all the people you could have chosen…” Jacob almost smiled. “It had to be me, huh?”

  “Yes…” Shivani smiled. “You are my choice.”

  Jacob opened his mouth but Shiva shushed him. “I think we’ve argued enough about this.” “And you’re suggesting you won this argument?”

  Shiva laughed. “Of course I did…You’d make a terrible lawyer.”

  Jacob smiled despite himself. “Why do you think I became a singer? I’m lousy at everything else.” “I know something else you’re good at.” Shiva said, her eyes twinkling. “Philosophizing…And delivering monologues…You’d do great in a Shakespeare play.”

  “I am trying to make you see sense.”

  “If you don’t stop that, I’ll probably tell you…”

  “What?”

  “I can think for myself, thank you.”

  “That’s…Shiva…”

  “I hate to repeat myself but I’ve made my choice and that is…”

  “A blind man who cannot walk.”

  “The kindest and most insightful person I’ve never known.” She took his hand and said firmly. “If you dislike me and say so honestly to my face, I’ll leave and never come back. But no bullshit excuses about how you are not good enough for me.”

  “That…”

  “You told me that you love me Jacob. If you mean it, stop being afraid.” “I do mean it, Shiva. But…honestly, what…”

  “What can you give me except pain?” Shiva smiled. “I love you, Jacob…I’ll take whatever pain that comes with your love.” “Shiva…”

  “I love you. Nothing is ever going to change that.”

  The look on Dan’s face as he stood watching this is something I’ll never forget. To say he looked happy would be an understatement. His face was radiant. His shining eyes threatened to weep any second. Twice his lips parted but no sound came. The third time he managed something in between a laugh and a sob.

  “Shiva…”

  “I love you.” Shivani repeated. “All the arguments in this world is not going to change that.”

  “I wish something could…” Jacob said sadly. I stared into his blind eyes. I wish something could…I felt the same way too. There was something about Shiva’s newly lit eyes, something about her naive belief in her dream…

  “What in the world…” Goldy mumbled beside me. An hour passed.. She and Jacob just sat by each other. No words were spoken…but the silence spoke like nothing else could. Below the apartment building, in the noisy street yelled and screamed.

  “So…You have no intention of leaving?” Jacob asked her, as a particularly loud bus horn honked outside. “Do you want me to?” Shiva asked without looking at him.

  “Will you if I ask you to?”

  “Guess not…” Shiva’s eyes twinkled. “And I’m glad we agree on that.” Jacob laughed. “People are going to call you crazy for this…”

  “I’m crazy…” Shiva whispered. “If you wouldn’t mind that…”

  “I’m a selfish, conceited showoff who has absolutely to give you…If you wouldn’t mind that…” Both of them smiled. But a shadow lingered on Jacob’s face. Sadness, doubt and bitterness shone in the depths of his dead eyes. I felt angry at Shiva. Why? Why was she adding to the man’s already heavy burden of guilt?

  It was then that my gaze wandered towards the window. I nearly gasped out loud. A car - a posh, shiny car was outside the apartment building. A very familiar car.

  “It’s that asshole again.” I told Goldy.

  Goldy let out a weary sigh. “Nothing can surprise me anymore.”

  “He isn’t going to come here, is he?” I exclaimed as the car door opened.

  Of course he was…Merely minutes later, the calling bell rang. Dan answered it to find Mr. Vaishnav Sachidanand, a smug smile plastered on his face.

  “Thought I’d drop in and say hello.” He said brightly. “It must be lonely here without any visitors.”

  Just as the word ‘visitors’ left his mouth, his eyes fell on Shivani. He stiffened. The smug smile slowly vanished to be replaced by incredulity. “Did you see anything unexpected?” Shiva got up and smiled.

  “Why are you here?”

  “Did someone promise you I wouldn’t be here ever again?”

  “I don’t know…” He said. “I don’t see anything here that could possibly compel you to visit again and again.”

  “I could say the same thing about you…”

  Vaishnav Sachidanand smiled, flashing a set of dazzling white teeth. “I thought they might be getting lonely…you know…with nobody to visit…”

  “Since that’s obviously not the case…Why don’t you leave?” The two of them glared at each other. One could smell the hatred emanating from Vaishnav Sachidanand…Why though? Is a simple rejection(that too by a stranger) enough to warrant such flaming hatred? Seriously…Are humans this petty?

  “I’m leaving all right.” He said, throwing a contemptuous glance at Jacob’s direction. “I’m sorry you have such poor tastes.”

  I saw Jacob twitch uncomfortably. The shadow on his face grew a shade darker. “One more word…” Dan moved threateningly towards him. “I’ll gladly speed up your departure…”

  Vaishnav Sachidanand snorted. “Call off your dog, Jacob.”

  Thud! In one swift movement, Dan’s fist made contact with Vaishnav’s nose. There was a cry of pain as blood spurted out of his nostrils and Mr. Vaishnav Sachidanand stumbled out of the door.

  “Garbage should always be taken out.” Dan cracked his knuckles and slammed the door shut. Shiva burst into laughter. “I would have loved to give him a hit too.”

  “Shall I open the door and let him in so that…”

  “I doubt he’ll be out there…” Shiva laughed. “People like him…They can’t do much except stab people behind their back.” Laughter again. I felt really uncomfortable. From the look on Goldy’s face, she felt the s
ame way. They had stamped on a poisonous snake and hurt him. God knew what was coming next…

  “You shouldn’t have done that…” Jacob’s somber voice broke the spell of cheerfulness.

  “Oh really?” Dan smiled at his friend. “Should I have invited him into our house? And let him spew more spiteful nonsense?”

  “Dan…” Jacob shook his head. “You know what he did last time…All because he saw Shiva with us…Imagine what he’ll do after what happened today…” “Let him try.” Shiva said, pushing Jacob’s wheelchair forward. “What can he do except maybe take a few more photographs and send them to my Dad? I could care less…”

  “Shiva…I don’t want him to…”

  “He won’t do anything Jacob. Don’t worry about that.”

  But Jacob looked worried. Four or five times he attempted to speak but didn’t. Something about Vaishnav Sachidanand was eating at his mind. Although I didn’t want to admit it was worrying me too.

  “We could have given him a kick too.” Goldy said with a feeble smile. “I’m kind of tired of seeing his sorry ass around.”

  “Poisonous snake!” I muttered. “How old is he? 13?” Shiva returned home a short while after that. When we walked through the front door, the first thing we noticed was the delicious smell from the kitchen. Shiva paused doubtfully for a moment and called out. When no answer came, she made her way to the kitchen.

  “Mom!”

  The old woman was pale, her body shrunk and shriveled up. But there was a strength in the way she moved. Her usually lackluster eyes glinted with determination. “Mom…What are you doing?” Shiva asked, her eyes following her mother’s movements.

  Still the woman did not turn around to look. She stirred whatever was cooking on the stove with an almost serene expression. “Mom, you are not supposed to be up yet.”

  “I am ok now, Shiva.” The woman said curtly. “I don’t want to lie down any longer.” “Mom…”

  “Your Dad spoke to me this morning…”