VIBGYOR

by Keerthana Jayaraj

  “I will.” She entered Shiva’s room and gently closed the door. Raised voices could be heard almost immediately, Shiva swearing that she would rather die that go back to a man who tortured her. The man who, she declared contemptuously, had no qualms about getting his own child killed. Her mother insisted she see sense in as gentle a tone as possible. But Shiva didn’t yield. As her mother mouthed more and more of her father’s thoughts, she lost her temper, very badly with her mother too.

  “Do you remember the times I called you, Mom? I begged you to let me come home…I told you everything that was happening…How much he was hurting me… Do you remember what you told me then?”

  “Your father…” “You told me to be mature and not break my marriage. Have patience…Endure…” There was a pause. I thought I heard a faint sigh. “Do you remember what I got in return for my patience and tolerance? A hospital bed…a dead child… two broken arms…a fractured skull…”

  “Shiva…”

  “I can never forget that. I can never forgive him. Don’t waste your breath suggesting that I should.”

  “What about your life, Shiva? What…”

  “Nandan will not again be in my life. I am not an idiot as to open my heart to him again.”

  “You are being in idiot. Nandan’s father wants you back…” “Did he tell you about the times I went to him for help? He always said that he would advice his son…always assured me that things would change…” Shiva laughed. “Words…Just empty words…He didn’t help me at all…”

  “Nandan wouldn’t listen to him. He liked you and wanted to help”

  “No!” Shiva said. “He wanted to keep me there. He didn’t want Nandan to go back to the charity girl.”

  “That’s…”

  “He is happy that she died.” Shiva said, sounding thoroughly disgusted. “He doesn’t care. Mother…When I told you that Anasuya died what did you feel?” “I…I was sorry that it happened.” Devi said softly. “She’s the same age as you. Why should I rejoice in a life lost?” “Shouldn’t Nandan have time to heal and move on with his life?”

  “Of course…”

  I was surprised when laughter broke out, wondered for the briefest second whether it was me or the human world that had gone mad. It took a while to recognize the voice as Shiva’s. What she was laughing about I have absolutely no idea.

  “You have a great talent Mom…” She said, when she finally stopped. “You are so easily swayed…So…So good at not thinking on your own…So good at not voicing your own opinions…”

  “Shiva…”

  “Go. And never come to me to act as Dad’s mouthpiece.”

  “That’s…”

  “You know what he’s thinking is wrong. At least find the spine to tell him so.”

  “He isn’t wrong about you and that…you and Jacob. What are you even thinking Shivani?” “I like Jacob. He is a good man and a very good friend.”

  “He also needs a nurse more than a wife.”

  There was a crash as if Shiva hit something. “If I had been on a wheelchair…If it was me who was crippled and a healthy man professed his love for me…Would you say no to him? Would you say that I needed a nurse not a husband?”

  There was no answer. Shiva laughed again and continued. ”One rule for your daughter and another for a stranger, huh?” The door opened and Devi came out. Her slumped shoulders and exhausted face made her look ten years older. I felt sorry for her…sorry for her helplessness. Yet, like Shivani said, I was angry too. Would it be too much to show a bit of courage? It is not that she was incapable of it…Why couldn’t she do it unless she was pushed to the extreme.

  Mr.Raghunath asked her how it went. She didn’t answer but went into their room, Mr.Raghunath asked her how it went. She didn’t answer but went into their room,VIBGYOR

  pushing him off when he tried to stop her. When she reached the door, she stopped. I heard her mumble mumble something incoherent before she turned around to face her husband.

  “Are you mad?”

  He sighed, his eyes expressionless black holes. “Maybe I am.”

  “Shakti! Come and look!” Goldy was almost skipping with excitement, her eyes on something inside the room. I looked in…I wasn’t surprised. The bundle of old letters…The ashes of Mr. Raghunath’s past lay on the bed. Next to it…as though mocking the woman facing him, was the faded photograph of the unknown flower girl.

  Again the sadness was there…a sense of loss and regret and…It was while before a new emotion registered with me. Confusion…Innocent confusion a child might feel when everything went to hell around him.

  “What the heck…” I heard Devi say. Their eyes met. There were tears in hers but they refused to overflow her eyes. His eyes were dry. Although his emotions were obscured by the fog, only a fool could miss the obvious pain in his eyes. I could feel the unspoken words linger in the air, cold and heavy…

  “If you have no other errands for me…” She turned her back on him and rushed into the bedroom. There was a thud as the bundle of letters were thrown onto the floor. The photograph followed. He just stood still, eyeing the scene through the open door.

  If Shiva heard any of this interesting conversation, she did not show it. The door remained firmly shut. From inside came the clicking of typewriter keys.

  CHAPTER 30

  “Are you scared?” Jacob asked, staring out of the window.

  Shiva twisted uncomfortably on the chair beside him. “Why do you…”

  “I just know.” He said. There was no smile on his face or mischievous twinkle in his eyes. I felt that he was scared too. He was trying hard not to show it but you can’t hide things from a spirit. Not as easily as from the humans anyway.

  “I didn’t expect my father to welcome my decision with open arms…” Shiva said quietly. “I am not scared of that…I…”

  “What happened to frighten you so much?” The Nandan situation was quickly explained. Shiva eyes flashed angrily as she talked. By the time she was done, they were full of tears. She wiped them away quickly before Jacob could deduce that she was crying. “I just…I just wish…”

  “That they’d leave you alone?”

  Shiva shook her head rapidly. Teardrops that clung to her eyelashes slowly made their way down her cheeks. “I don’t know…I just don’t know…”

  “It was wrong of your Dad and Mum to force Nandan on you.” Dan said matter-offactly. “After everything that’s happened it’s not fair to either of you.” “Dan…” Jacob began slowly but Dan cut him short.

  “Now don’t you join their club and say anything is better than being a nurse to a cripple. “

  “I would not dream of saying that.” A hint of a smile was back on Jacob’s face. “I…It wouldn’t do to degrade myself, would it?”

  Shiva frowned. She stared at Jacob for one long moment before speaking. “Is everything all right?” Jacob replied with his usual pleasantness that everything was indeed fine. But there was a slight crack in his voice and…I couldn’t put my finger on it but something about his demeanour seemed false. It was as if he was barely holding himself together. Shiva, being a reasonably intelligent person seemed to have noticed it as well. She questioned him several times about it but to know avail. Jacob being Jacob sidestepped them masterfully. Dan tried to speak but Jacob stopped him nearly every time.

  “Well…” said Shiva, finally. “I may not be Sherlock Holmes but I’m definitely not an “Well…” said Shiva, finally. “I may not be Sherlock Holmes but I’m definitely not an idiot. Something’s very wrong here. Don’t deny it just tell me.”

  “Shakti…I don’t like this. I think…” Goldy muttered rapidly, her eyes fixed on them. “I think I know what you’re thinking because it’s the exact same thing I’m thinking.”

  The Red’s ‘prank’…How can I undo the damage? Why did I even bother asking myself that question? The Red had started us off on this path knowing we will be helpless…We…

  “I am worried Shiva.” I s
tarted at Jacob’s simple response. His blind eyes, staring intently at the floor, were full of an intense grief…As if he had lost something very dear to him. I glanced at Goldy. She was making the same conclusion that I did. The dread in her eyes seemed to increase with every passing minute.

  “You are worried that I’ll…” Shiva almost smiled. “That’ll never happen Jacob. I’ve told you once and I’ll tell you a thousand times more…It was never pity. I love you because you are a good friend and a good person. I love you because…you…treat me like a normal human being.”

  “I am not a fool to assume that you’ll leave me.” He smiled.

  “Then…”

  “Shiva…” He said slowly. “I’m afraid…I’m afraid of what will happen to you if something goes wrong. I know what happened the last time your life went to hell.” Shivani laughed softly and moved her chair closer towards him. “My life won’t go to hell again.” “I wish…I wish I could be so sure…”

  “Don’t worry about me going crazy…”

  “I am worried about you falling apart…”

  “Why?”

  Why…I heard Goldy sigh. The word taunted me like the Red’s sickly sweet laughter. I could almost see that thing in front of me saying, “You know something terrible is going to happen. What are you going to do about it?”

  “Why are you so afraid, Jacob?” Shiva asked again. “Can’t you tell me?” Silence. Jacob looked helplessly at her, his voice shaking as he said it was nothing. “I told you not to lie.”

  “His Aunt was here.” Dan interrupted quickly. “She said many terrible things.” “She’ll do anything to have her way. I…” Jacob said.

  Shivani leaned towards him and pressed a finger gently to his lips. “Whatever she will do…It won’t make a difference. Even if she puts a knife to my throat and tells me to stay away from you…I won’t listen to her.”

  “You have already gone mad.” Jacob laughed.

  “Maybe I have…”

  “And one more thing…Your reasons for liking me… I admire you and flatter you is the most important of them, isn’t it?” His eyes twinkled and his lips curled into the tiniest of smiles. Shiva’s cheeks turned a deep red. “That isn’t such a bad thing, you know. Everyone needs someone to admire and flatter them at one time or the other.”

  “That’s true about you too, huh?” “Would anyone believe me if I said…If I said I wasn’t flattered by the simple fact that a young woman wanted my friendship? That…That there was another set of kind eyes other than my dear friend Dan’s?”

  Shiva leaned towards him and took his hand. “I love you…” She said simply. “And one more thing…You are the kind of friend everyone would wish to have.” “I…I love you too.” He paused. “I want everything good to happen to you. I want to hear that you got a great job. I want Dan to read me a published novel with your name on it.”

  Shiva shook her head. “You won’t hear that I got a job from someone else, you will it hear from me. And I will read you my novel, not Dan. Don’t speak as if you want to be just a distant observer of my life.”

  “That…

  “You belong in my life. You are my choice. Stop believing that you are not worthy to be chosen.”

  “She has a point.” Dan joined in enthusiastically. “You don’t have to believe the words of…” “The things he said were true Dan.” Jacob said abruptly.

  Shiva’s eyes narrowed. “I thought you said it was your Aunt who visited.” Both Jacob and Dan froze. Apparently, they both realized what they said. “Was it Vaishnav Sachidanand…” Shiva paused, her eyes blazing. “Or my Dad?” “Your Dad never came here.” Dan blurted out.

  “So it was him.” She said coolly. “What on earth did he say?”

  “Shiva…That’s…” Jacob began but Shiva cut him off. “Jacob…I know my Dad and the things he can say and do. I have paid dearly for listening to his words and…” She paused, turning away from him. “He is a brilliant actor. He’ll try his best to make you believe everything that he says…”

  “He meant well, Shiva.” Jacob said gently. “I may not have liked the things he said but…I can understand why he said those things.”

  “What did he say?”

  “Can’t you guess?” Dan remarked angrily. “If Jacob hadn’t made me promise…I would have told you about it much earlier…”

  “Dan…He…” “Never say he meant well.” Shiva said. Her voice was cold, anger simmering just under the surface. Fire frozen inside an ice cube. “He would have reacted the same way even if you were a person who could see and walk. It all boils down to one point

  - you aren’t the gift he picked and wrapped up for his daughter.”

  “Maybe we should go home and prepare for the usual dose of family drama.” Goldy groaned.

  “Drama…” I repeated before jumping out of the window. We didn’t have to wait long for Shiva to barge in through the front door of her home. Her red eyes scanned the room till she found the thing she wanted to find. Her Dad. He was on the last step of the stairs, his suit impeccable, his face calm and reasonable. I could believe, at that instant, that he was a man who made his comfortable life out of business deals. He was probably on his face to make a new one.

  Their eyes locked. I think that he knew then…His daughter had found out about another deal he tried to make behind her back.

  “Nandan will be here tomorrow.” He mouthed the words rapidly, as his fingers tightened on the briefcase. “I want you to be here to meet him.” For a moment, Shivani stared īincredulously at her father. Then she simply turned away her face in disgust. “You are not going to play with my life like a gambling chip.”

  “It’s for your own good. If only you weren’t infatuated by a damn cripple…” He stepped down from the stairs. “Look at me…” “I would rather look at a dying cat.”

  “Shiva!”

  “How dare you go to him and spew your poisonous nonsense!” She spat. “How…”

  “You would choose a cripple over your own father?” He was walking towards her, taking one step with each word. “Do you know what kind of a man he is?” “He has made mistakes. And he admits them. He feels guilty about them. He has tried hard to be better than he was.” She turned around slowly, her eyes meeting her father’s. “But you…What have you done expect delude yourself into thinking its all for my good every time you made a mistake? Wasn’t it your reason for tying me to a man I hated in school? Wasn’t it your reason when you arranged to have your grandchild killed in your daughter’s womb? Isn’t it the reason you are trying to force him into my life now? You know what Dad…” She stepped towards him. “It’s high time you thought of other reasons for all the god damn errors in judgment you make.”

  He was quiet for a long time, silently watching the tears spill from his daughter’s eyes. The scorn and anger that he saw there must have hurt him badly. Yet…From what I knew about him, he must not have understood why he was being hated…

  “I just want you to be happy, Shiva.” He said wearily. “That is all I want.” “Then stay away from me. Stay away from Jacob.” She said. “And I have absolutely nothing to say to Nandan. He is not welcome in my life and that’s that.” “At least speak to him…”

  “No.” Shiva said simply. “We have nothing to discuss.”

  “Shiva my dear…” A small voice came from the kitchen. “There’s no need to be angry about Nandan’s visit. This isn’t about renewing a broken relationship. He just wants to meet you.”

  Devi, her pale face looking even paler, emerged from the kitchen. There was a hint of tears of her cheeks. She walked up to her daughter and enveloped her in a hug. “No one will force you to do anything.”

  “I will meet him but that’s it.” Shiva said slowly. “But he will not be welcome here again. Can you promise me that, Mom?”

  Devi shot a look at her husband before she promised her daughter that nothing bad will happen again.

  CHAPTER 31

  The clock was ticking. Go
ldy and I paced around the living room watching it move closer and closer to 11:00. The gates were open. Mr. Raghunath was sipping black coffee while his wife bustled around the kitchen preparing food for their guest. Only Shiva remained silent and still. I saw her sitting on her bed, through the half open door, a curiously blank expression on her face.

  “Tell her to get ready. It’s almost time.” Mr. Raghunath told his wife. I heard Shiva’s bedroom door close. Although her mother came and knocked and knocked, she didn’t open.

  “I am not a girl waiting for her dream groom.” She said after about the 10th knock. “I am not going to dress up in an expensive sari and jewelery for Nandan.” Devi looked at Mr. Raghunath. “She will never agree to this. You can’t force her.” “Can’t I?”

  Goldy took a step back from him as he said that. She turned to me, terrified. I gave a curt nod and stared helplessly at the closed door. Nandan’s car rolled into the car porch, at precisely the right time. He was smartly dressed as always, and if he was reeling from the loss of his fiancee it didn’t show on his face. “Uncle…” He said politely, when Shiva’s Dad greeted him at the front door. “My Dad sent me to meet you.”

  Mr. Raghunath graciously invited him inside. “Shiva has agreed to meet you.” He said, as they sat down on the couch. “Whatever her mindset is now…I thing everything will be fine if you two speak reasonably and sort it out.”

  “Yes…Everything will be fine…” Nandan said in almost a whisper. He smiled but the smile did not reach his eyes. They looked dead. “Dad told me to speak to her and discuss everything with her.”

  “Call her Devi…” Mr. Raghunath said.

  Shivani emerged from her room, a steely glint in her eyes. She greeted Nandan and sat down beside her father.

  “I am really sorry about Anasuya.” She said, gently. “It was a great shock to me and I’m sure it was a greater shock to you.” “I never thought…” Nandan turned his face away from her. I saw him blink back tears. “I suppose I was cruel to her but I never thought she’d…”