Popeye Never Told You

by Rodney Hall

  ‘—he cut it on the broken ice’ Mike says ‘only because his mouth was open and he never shuts up’

  ‘well thank you, dear’ Mum says to him ‘now youre in charge of rinsing this blood down the drain’

  and she asks me if i can stand up alright, and once i do she buttons up my jacket and turns me round on the spot and guides me out of doors with my tongue tied up in that handkerchief and what i see is Diana still down on her hands and knees chipping at the ice and the path is still not even half done,

  ‘here we go, young fella-me-lad’ Mum says to cheer me up and we step into the stairwell,

  and i know she thinks i shall smile at this, though i dont feel like it and i cant anyway, and so we go down and down and my Wellington boots and her shoes make lots of noise because we get in each others way and i keep bumping against the iron wall while im wonky, and out in the lane our shoulders brush against the bricks and Mums stooping and walking lopsided so she can help me along,

  ‘whats he staggering for?’ the fish-shop lady asks,

  and im always afraid Mumll get talking to her and find out about that lie,

  ‘i cant carry him’ Mum tells her ‘since hes grown too big’

  and the fish-shop lady waves to us as we set off up the street and i try not to look at my feet because that makes me giddy, but whats worse is an RAF officer watching us, so now i look stupid in front of everyone,

  i tug at her to get her to cross the street,

  ‘try not to lean against my leg, darling’ Mum says ‘youll trip me’

  safely over and heading towards the clock tower but it sways and the whole town is swaying and the RAF man charges my way and he must think he knows us or something but i never saw him before, and now his arms are around me and im dropping and zooming up again like a ferris wheel and held against his shoulder and i never felt anything so enormous as his arm muscles, and his chest rumbles because hes saying something to Mum and i can feel it all through my body, so now i dont care about anything and i dont care about my tongue and im not even listening because all i can feel is his rumbling chest and i see the telephone booth sway past beyond his blue collar, and now we are at Mr Norths chemist shop with those huge bottles of red and purple water in the window, and Guy never held me like this and i can smell the airmans uniform and its so good i burrow in,

  ‘i hope you wont get blood on you’ Mum says to him,

  and he holds me away a bit, but i look up to show him my tongue in the handkerchief and then i cant help myself because i have to do it, i reach out to touch his moustache,

  ‘he has lost such a lot of blood’ Mum says,

  ‘i had that’ the airman says right into my face ‘when i was wounded by flak’

  so hes got real war wounds and now this is something i know about him that no one else knows except Mum,

  ‘we are nearly there’ Mum says ‘the hospitals only just up the road a bit’

  and i feel like crying now, but i dont dare let any tears show,

  ‘we are so very grateful’ Mum tells him when we climb the steps ‘may i ask if youre a pilot?’

  ‘no, madam, only a humble navigator’

  ‘im sure that my brother’ Mum says to him ‘is doing his bit for the war, too’

  ‘you must be proud’ he says ‘what service is he in?’

  but i know stuff about navigators and compasses and maps that i could tell him if only my tongue was working,

  ‘hes a good lad’ he tells Mum while he joggles me like a friend and watches my eyes, and i smell the smoke on his breath ‘he can take it’

  and this gives me the idea that maybe i can take it and its a new idea that i want to think about,

  and we go in and the navigator puts me down on a chair and a nurse takes charge of me,

  ‘wave goodbye, darling’ Mum tells me ‘our friend is leaving’

  but i wont wave because i wont say goodbye,

  ‘no’ i say,

  and i cant believe hes such a traitor and he goes,

  ‘how could you!’ she hisses ‘how could you embarrass me so!’

  and she reaches out to straighten my school cap and we watch him open the glass door and he walks away,

  ‘when hes such a nice man’ Mum says,

  and she calls out to him ‘goodbye and thank you’

  so i feel bad,

  ‘good luck’ the navigator calls back and turns our way so he can smile and hes still holding the door,

  ‘you are so rude’ she tells me and shes still waving ‘and he was so kind carrying you’

  but i can still feel his voice rumbling in my body and its a new thing,

  ‘well now you have to be brave for the doctor’ Mum says,

  and already a nurse unwraps my tongue and she stuffs some bandage in my mouth instead,

  ‘tst tst!’ she says,

  and there are other people in the waiting room,

  ‘boys will be boys’ the nurse says to Mum ‘i shall take him through to the ward’

  and now the nurse picks me up, just like that, and cradles me in her arms so that i hate her more, and along the shiny passage we go, with her so huge and soft and warm and im suffocating and much as i wriggle she holds me so its like fighting to get out from under pillows and anyway what makes it worse is that i suddenly realise theres something i need to ask for but i cant talk with this bandage round my tongue, and already the nurse has me on a bed and shes tucking me in and strapping the sheet tight, but this is wrong, and i know because i need the lavatory and i need to ask where it is and how long im supposed to be here before they let me get up, but theres a gag stuffed in my mouth,

  ‘tst tst!’ she says when i struggle,

  so why doesnt somebody tell me what they are going to do to me!

  ‘stay’ she says,

  i try to tell her my problem ‘nngg’

  ‘you are not to get out of bed till doctor gives permission’ she says ‘do you hear me?’

  but i shake my head,

  ‘yes you do’ she says,

  and i get left there,

  but an old man bending over the washbasin in the corner turns the tap on! and this is the end of me, i cant hold it in!

  the warm wet patch is colding already when some sort of machine gets wheeled up on a trolley thing and two nurses are suddenly beside my bed talking,

  ‘nngg’ i try to explain,

  but they put their hands on my shoulders and get hold of me and push me down and someone grips my legs too, so im trapped, and when i fight they lean on me and i struggle like hell and twist about, but the doctor smacks a mask over my face and the mask is covering my mouth as well as my nose, and he clamps it on to stop me wriggling free, but i cant breathe! and the room goes round like—

  —got to get home,

  —going to be sick!

  —arms like dead lumps,

  —cant seem to touch anything and fingers dont work,

  —its like i dont have any arms,

  so somethings been done to me, but all i know is that im crying already and the nurses push their smiling faces right up close to mine,

  and i want to be tall, but its no good,

  Gran says ‘you will be’

  and i hope so, especially now its my birthday and Uncle Ralph sent me an autograph book with different coloured pages and hes written in it and Mum sits right down to do a parrot painting for me on the next page, and i didnt even know she could paint!

  ‘there!’ she says ‘make sure you leave it open to dry’

  and i promise,

  ‘tell him about our surprise’ Mike says to her,

  ‘what surprise?’ i say,

  and it doesnt look good,

  ‘well’ Mum says to me ‘we all banded together to buy you something nice’

  ‘for two weeks i put my pocket money in!’ Di says, and there it is on the kitchen table, a lonely parcel, and already its begun ruining my day forever because its only one thing and of course i expect a different prese
nt from everyone the way they always get given,

  ‘open it up’ says Diana like shes more interested than i am,

  and Michael gives the parcel a pat,

  but ive been waiting and waiting to be eight, and now the day is here at last its all gone wrong,

  Di tells Mum ‘hes crying’

  ‘am not!’ i yell,

  and i rip the string off because i hate this present already and its probably only a jigsaw puzzle with a thousand stupid pieces, so i rip the wrapping paper off,

  ‘oh!’

  and i never even dreamt about this,

  a chemistry set glitters in there with little pots of powders and crystals and packs of things and an oil burner and test tubes, and each with its own place in the box where it belongs and looks beautiful,

  ‘theres so much i want for you in life, darling’ Mum says ‘but most of all i want you to be happy’

  ‘as long as he doesnt blow us all up!’ Mike warns her,

  but theres so many things i need to ask you,

  hanging down from the gutter is the biggest icicle you ever saw because its thick like a tree trunk and all shiny and seems to come up from the yard so we go out and try hugging it but i cant reach the whole way round and my woollen gloves begin to stick,

  and i love to visit Great-Uncle Monts tobacco shop in his little town, catching the bus out through the fields and over the hills because his shop is full of good smelling stuff that old men and young men buy or else soldiers but never ladies, and Great-Uncle Mont is puffing away on his pipe and his lips are wet and hes happy to see me and his pipe waggles,

  ‘let me see your hand’ he says,

  i show him and he takes hold of it in his shaky old fingers and he turns it over to get a proper look,

  ‘good’ he says ‘what i look for in a boy is ink stains’

  ‘why?’ i ask,

  ‘because it shows me he can write’ says Great-Uncle Mont ‘and writing is the most important thing of all’

  ‘more important than football?’

  ‘what use is football’ he says ‘when theres a war?’

  so now he gives me a cardboard box,

  ‘happy birthday’ he says,

  and inside theres a printing set when i get the string untied,

  ‘so every time you want to print something’ he says ‘you fit these letters into the slots, here dyou see, on this wooden block?’

  and its going to be easy because the letters are made of pink rubber,

  ‘but you have to make your words back-to-front so they come out the right way when you print them’

  i look at it and try to understand,

  but the telephone rings so Great-Uncle Mont goes over and he puts his hairy ear against it,

  ‘hullo?’ he says into the box on the wall ‘hullo?’

  and he catches my eye,

  ‘alright’ he says to the telephone,

  ‘its for you’ he says to me,

  but thats impossible,

  ‘how?’ i say,

  ‘come on, son, round here behind the counter’ he tells me,

  and i dont know what to think,

  ‘hop up on the stool’ says Great-Uncle Mont ‘and take hold of this thing’

  and its warm when i put it against my ear,

  ‘are you there, darling?’ says Mums voice,

  ‘yes’ i say,

  ‘no’ says Great-Uncle Mont ‘you have to talk into this part here’

  ‘yes’ i say again,

  ‘im ringing to see that you got off the bus alright’ Mum says,

  and i can hear what she says though i cant hear me,

  ‘are you at the office?’ i say,

  ‘yes’

  ‘have you got a headache?’

  ‘its not too bad, thank you’ Mum says ‘now pass the telephone back to Uncle Mont’

  and all of a sudden i feel grown up,

  ‘so now’ i say to Great-Uncle Mont ‘can i work the till?’

  ive made my first word for printing and its a secret until i print it,

  ‘i cant wait darling’ Mum says because shes watching,

  so i squish the block on the ink pad and then get the word square with the paper and now i print it,

  RAPLH

  and i have red ink stains all over my fingers,

  ‘be careful not to smudge the page’ Mike says,

  and Mum reads the word ive made ‘thats so sweet’ she says,

  and Mike looks at what ive done ‘but look at it!’ he says and begins cackling,

  so i do, but i cant see anything wrong,

  ‘Ralph is a hard word to spell the right way round’ she says ‘let alone back to front’

  and she brings me a new envelope from the drawer and tells me to print it again right in the middle and make it nice and clear, and nice and red,

  ‘so i can send it to him in the post’ she says.

  8

  So im like Rudolf Valentino in The Sheik and im going to ride horses and say ‘do you know who i am?’ and ‘i am not accustomed to having my orders disobeyed’ and there will be palm trees and brigands and robes and i shall say to the girl when i capture her ‘you are so pretty, if i choose i can make you love me’ and when i say this i know that its time to smile like him,

  Mums sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of tea and a smoke and i kiss her on my way through but she catches hold of me and this is not a hug,

  ‘just look at your neck!’ she says,

  and i squirm away but she catches me again and she means business,

  ‘your ears! disgusting! and behind your ears! here!’

  she tugs my shirt out from under my belt and pulls it up over my head,

  ‘oh my goodness!’ she says ‘Michael, how did you let this child get so filthy!’

  so Mike glares at me,

  ‘im cold!’ i tell her,

  but Mum gets up and fetches the kettle off the stove and she pushes me into the bathroom, and people are always pushing me or pulling me, and she jams the plug in the washbasin plughole and mixes some cold water with the water from the kettle and starts scrubbing with a flannel,

  ‘ow, ow that hurts!’

  ‘its ingrained thats why’ she says ‘dont you ever wash? ever? now hold still’

  ‘ow, ow!’

  ‘and you can get busy with the towel when ive finished’

  and she throws the flannel into the washbasin,

  ‘and now look at that!’ says Mum,

  and shes turning her heel to look over her shoulder at the back of her leg because theres a ladder in her stocking as if thats my fault too, and i know about stockings because they are what Mum calls her cross, and i already know these ladders cost a lot because she likes to look nice all the time,

  Gran cooked lamb shanks and they were delicious and im just mopping up my gravy with some bread, though Joan just toys with hers, but what amazes me is Ken, and Ken is Joans fiancé who we are only just getting used to, because he picks up the bones and sucks them,

  ‘the marrows the best part’ Ken says and his mouth is shiny red and his face is red and his teeth are shiny and his moustache is black and his eyebrows are black ‘a gentleman can suck marrowbone’ Ken tells me,

  so i give mine a try but the bone is slippery and when i get my lips around it i cant help slurping,

  ‘whats it like in the artillery?’ Mike says,

  ‘the Royal Artillery Regiment’ Ken tells us between sucks ‘is the cream of the cream’ and one by one he drops chunks of empty bone on his plate,

  and i always know where i am with Gran because she talks such a lot, so when shes sitting at home she will say ‘im about to get up’ or ‘i shall shell the peas directly’ or she might say ‘no one can tell me a single thing about rheumatism’ or she might suddenly call out ‘i dare say i should take a couple of Rennies for this indigestion’ or just when you think shes dozed off in her chair she will say ‘i ought stir my bones’ and im not going to tell her it should be
‘ought to’ because she may not give me the threepence shes promised, and anyway she puts her hand flat on her tummy and asks me ‘is this the heartburn or a touch of wind?’ but she answers herself ‘im sure i dont know’ then she says to the ceiling ‘i dont suppose youll fetch me my walking stick?’ and when its put in her hand by magic she says ‘oh what a little darlin you are!’ and she tweaks my cheek and i call to Di and out we go,

  our skittles are painted with red and yellow stripes but theyre mostly chipped and we set them up between the two skylights because the good thing about our yard is that its flat and the skylight is something the balls can roll up against and stop and the balls are yellow and theyre chipped too because we got given them for Christmas by Guy a long time ago before he went away,

  and im the one whos been sent up here to the Red Cross shop because Mike thinks he spotted a valuable stamp and he rushed home to look it up in the Stanley Gibbons catalogue, but of course he cant just turn round and go back and buy it now or the shop ladys going to guess she put the wrong price on it, so thats why im here and i know what im to look for because its a yellow Baden-Baden unperforated ten pfennig stamp and ive remembered all this and Mike says i shall find it near the back of the big brown Red Cross album, and here it is right in front of my eyes, so i ask for some tweezers but the shop lady takes it out herself and pops it in a tiny envelope and sells it to me,

  and Mikes down the road grinning and i grin back at him because we just bought the Baden-Baden stamp for twopence! and in Stanley Gibbons its worth a hundred and twelve POUNDS! so weve got to get home before someone catches us and takes it off us,

  and back at home Diana gets out the magnifying glass for a good close look,

  ‘its mint’ she says ‘its definitely mint’

  ‘what?’ says Mike,

  ‘its mint’ she says,

  ‘i know that’ i tell them,

  ‘so its worth nothing!’ Mike says,

  and this is a dreadful shock and i cant believe hes telling the truth,

  ‘but you told me to get it’ i yell at him ‘and i paid twopence for it’

  ‘and twopence is exactly what its worth’ Mike says,

  ‘but you said!’ i shout at him ‘you said it was worth a hundred and twelve pounds!’

  ‘because i thought it was used’ Mike says ‘and i was wrong’