Back in the Rain

by Elen Chase

  When I had finally planned, done, checked and confirmed everything, and all I had left to do was wait for the 10th of September to come, there was only one thing left in my mind: Dan.

  From Domme's watchpad I had learned the exact time the ritual was going to start: 1 a.m. Also, they would all go in from the other entrance, the one I had learned about from the soldier. On the night of the 9th, I went out to be alone for a while before the start of the ritual, reassuring the others I would be back in time. The only place that would make me feel comfortable was precisely the graveyard. I walked slowly by its narrow alleys with the mild air of that warm September night filling my lungs, my thoughts reliving the moments when I’d run through it in the rain, destroyed inside, and swearing to Shallie's grave that I would uncover the truth behind her death. I stood still, a few feet from her stone with my heart in my hands, as I saw him there, on his knees, in front of it. It was the same spot I had met him months before, that very night when it all started, but this time our positions had exchanged; I was now the one standing behind, looking at him. I wanted to cry, to run to him, but I held back.

  "Sir, I believe your visit time is messed up," I said aloud, trying to hide my emotions, but my voice came out more cracked that I thought it would. He didn't move an inch. "I thought I'd find you here," I blurted. "Or more like, I hoped to find you here. I prayed to find you here." I walked a few steps toward him, then I stopped again. "I wanted to see you." He didn't say a word, and I kept talking. "I've been wanting to see you for so long." I was in pain, and I knew that I had to be honest. That was the only way my words had a chance to reach him. "Dan," I called his name in a whisper, praying he would turn his head to me, "look at me."

  He slowly turned my way with an emotionless expression on his face, yet he looked straight into my eyes. His hair had grown a little longer, and he didn't seem sick or hurt; I was glad that at least physically he was alright. Whatever he had in mind, he was determined, I could see it in his eyes. But this time I was more determined than him.

  "Dan, let's go back," I told him calmly. "I need you by my side."

  "I don't want to be by your side." His words were cold. "I don't want to be anywhere after tonight."

  "What are you thinking, Dan?" I was beside myself with anxiety.

  "You should be worrying about it. Maybe I'll try to kill you all," he said seriously.

  "I know you won't." I had stopped doubting him. Did he think I had lost my trust in him to that point?

  "You know, yet you ask… You come here, you want me to pay attention to you… What is wrong with you?"

  "I just want to talk to you. I want to be with you."

  "With who?" He smirked, slowly making a hysterical laugh I didn't recognize as his. "So you didn't understand anything! I was just playing with you!" He raised his voice. That's it, I thought. His attempt to keep me away from him. "I’ve been using you, all this time, for my personal revenge on those people!" he screamed. "You mean nothing to me!" What do you want, Dan? Do you want me to hate you?

  "Okay, good, I see what you're doing," I replied, focused on not letting him hurt me. "Go on, tell me more. Break me, Dan, this is what you want to do, right?"

  "Even breaking you is useless for me, I'm finished with you. You're of no use to me anymore."

  I walked closer to him again, and reacting to that, he stood up and took a step back. "You can throw all the shit you want on me, but I'm not giving up on you," I told him.

  "There is no one to give up on," he said, full of anger. "I was acting with you right from the start."

  "Prove it to me then. Take your gun out and shoot me. Or beat me to death. But do it for real; kill me and bury me here, right close to Shallie. If you're the one to do it, dying like this doesn't seem too bad."

  "What the hell is wrong with you?" Disgust was all I heard in his voice. "The way you're obsessed with me creeps me out." That hurt, but I didn't show it to him. I had to hold on. "You're not so different from him. You say that I'm yours, that you need me, that you want me by your side; but you're just cursing me, making up excuses to do what you want with me!" I felt like dying hearing those words. Am I really like that man for him? Did he hate being with me to that point? No, he's just saying those things to hurt me. "Coming here and making this ridiculous scene… You're all the same. What will it take to satisfy you? Do you want to fuck me? Why don’t we do it here, in front of her grave?" I was always aware of how venomous his mouth could be, but I had no idea that facing it would be so agonizing. That was more that I could bear. Why is he so distant from me? Why can't my feelings reach him? Is it too late? I covered my eyes and fell on my knees, taken by a deep desperation. He walked past me in silence. He's going away. I'm losing him. Forever.

  I can't let him go.

  I took a deep breath and screamed at the top of my lungs, letting out all the suffering I had been bottling up inside since he left me. I turned around and saw him looking at me, his big eyes shining in the dark. It's not too late. It can't be too late. I stood up and ran to him, I tried to grab him by his shoulders but he shook my hands off and pushed me away. I reached for him again, I tried to get closer, to fill up the space between us, as he kept rejecting me. Finally I managed to tighten my grip on his wrists and drew him back to me, wrapping my arms around him.

  "Let me go!" He kept fighting it, trying to take a step back, yanking my hair and scratching my face and my neck with his nails. I held on, saying nothing, all my energy focused on keeping him close to me. He tried to kick me to make me release the hug, but I resisted that too, until we lost balance and fell down, me on top of him. Again he pulled my hair with one hand, the other on my back, his nails sinking deep under my skin through my shirt. Seeing I was still holding on, he bit my neck with all his strength. His teeth cut through my flesh, and I felt a hot drop of blood run down my neck as the spot he was biting got numb, regularly pulsing with pain. It hurt, and before I could even think, I started crying.

  "Dan," I whispered, "I won't let you go. Look at me." He let me go and moved his head back a little to look into my eyes. I was destroyed inside. He seemed almost in shock, his lips stained with my blood. "You got what you wanted," I told him. "Can't you see it in my eyes? You're killing me," I smiled bitterly, "but you're still everything to me." His expression changed, as his eyes trembled, lost into mine; he finally understood how serious I was with him.

  "You have to leave me alone," he cried. He had completely lost his cool. "I betrayed you! Do you realize where we are, Drew?" he screamed at me. "Do you know why Shallie is buried down here?"

  "Dan."

  "You said you want me by your side? You want the cause of her death by your side?"

  Finally. Let it out, Dan. All that's tormenting you.

  "Dan, you didn't kill Shallie."

  "I did!" he shout out loud. "It was all my fault, Drew. She died because of my weakness!"

  "This is happening only in your mind," I uttered in pain. "I know you tried to protect Shallie. I know you endured everything to save her."

  "It wasn't enough!" he screamed again. "I should have died in her place."

  "Are you trying to tell me that she was wrong to think your life was worth saving?"

  "You really think my life and Shallie's are the same? She gave up her future with you, her family, her dreams, to save me... me! I had nothing to lose, Drew... I had nothing."

  "So she was stupid for wanting you to live?" I shook him, raising my voice. "Is this what you're saying?"

  "She was good," he whispered, "even too much. She deserved to live, she deserved to be happy." He now looked angry. "Do you know what really happened that night? She wasn't supposed to drink that poison yet. There was still time; there was still hope for her. Yet she had to die, because he knew she was good, and he wanted to punish me. Because I was there. Because that man wanted to keep me by his side… Face it, Drew; I killed her… And after that, all this time, I used her death to get back to you... I stole everything from her!"
>
  I felt like drowning in hatred for that piece of shit. I found myself wishing he could come back to life just to kill him again with my bare hands. I tried to control my breathing and stay calm. For how hurt I could be, it was nothing compared to what Dan was going through. I had to clear his head to talk some sense into him. "Shallie was good, you're right. And she wanted you to live. You didn't kill her, Dan. You were forced into something too big for you by that man. He wanted you to feel guilty, and he wanted to torture you by pushing the weight of her death on you." I had finally truly understood what was wrong with him. "It's always him, isn't it? You still feel him inside of you, saying that it was all your fault and that you killed Shallie and Bart. He burned these thoughts on your skin, and he impressed them on your body with every cut, every injury he caused you. He did this to tie you to him, and he's consuming you." I touched his face lovingly as he was looking into my eyes in shock. His walls were down; at that point anything I said could save him or kill him. "Don't listen to him. Shallie loved you, Dan, I'm sure of it. She wanted you to live and come back home. That's all she wanted when she drank that poison. And it’s the same for Robinson. He admired you, you know; he and Ms. Wilson talked about it, and she cared for you too. They wanted to give you a chance to start living again. Deep down you know this, don’t you? Don't believe the lies that man told you to keep you chained to him."

  He seemed confused. "But he was right… I'm like him."

  "Dan, no… Why are you saying this?"

  "I tried to deny it, all this time… I told myself that I would selflessly help you and watch over you and that I was going to respect Shallie's memory, but in the end I tricked you into staying with me. I needed you and I seduced you because I wanted to feel better. I wanted you to make me forget Colten and the things he did to me." He was now crying uncontrollably, sobs shaking his body, his face flushed and hot. I remembered his words from the last time we had made love, and it all made sense. "I wanted to prove to myself that he was wrong, but it's like he always told me: I’m like him, and I’m selfish and twisted."

  "That man knew nothing about you," I told him, drying his tears. "What did he know about us? About your feelings for An? About the tears you cried alone, when you gave up on everything to come to Downtown? About the fear you had of involving the people you loved in that fight? About the pain you felt every time you rejected them? You're not selfish nor twisted, Dan. You're just tired of fighting on your own."

  "I used you. I lied to you all the time." He shook his head.

  "Lies hurt, I can't deny that. But I won't let them separate us. I have no idea what you've been through, Dan. You were strong, smart, and brave, and I’ll admire your courage forever. Still… there’s nothing wrong in reaching your limit. Use me, Dan, if this is what you need to go on. I'm here for you. You did all you could, now, rely on me. I’ll sustain you, and I’ll bring you home. I accepted everything of you. I was scared of being too immature, but I’m over it. We’ve both lost so much, now let’s stop this. I want to be with you. That’s all that matters to me."

  "My head is exploding," he said, covering his eyes with his arm. "I want it to end, Drew. I want it to stop."

  "Dan..."

  "I can't be with you. I can't go back after all I've done… I'm drowning, and I don't want to bring you down with me." I moved his arm away from his eyes, forcing him to look at me, then I put my forehead on his while caressing his face.

  "You have no idea how beautiful you are," I whispered to him. "I'm ready to tell you every single day until you finally understand. You don't have to lie anymore, and you don't have to pretend anymore. Just let me take care of you."

  "It never stops, Drew… This agony won't ever leave me… I'm tired, I just want to put an end to it… Let me go."

  "What do you want to do?" I asked him, smiling sadly. I hoped I didn't have to get to that point. "Do you want to die?" I said, and my voice came out broken and sweet. How much pain are you feeling? I left you alone for so long, you can’t bear it anymore.

  "It's okay, Drew, you can blame it all on me. I hurt you, lied to you, betrayed you… I don't deserve that chance you all wanted to give me. I am ready to go. Let me pay with my life for my mistakes. Let me be free from this torture."

  "Dan," my vision blurred as tears fell from my eyes to his face, "you don’t have to go to that hill, and you don't have to kill those people, if that's what you wanted to do. I don't need to go either. I already prepared everything so that the sect will be stopped by police officers and journalists coming from every corner. It’s over for them." He was listening carefully to me, so I kept talking, "I wanted to pick you up and bring you there with me to show you that we did it, together," I caressed his face. "I wanted to go back home with you. I wanted to talk with you, about Shallie, about those years we spent away from each other, about us. I wanted to live with you, no matter how painful and difficult it might be at first."

  "What are you trying to tell me?"

  "I’m trying to tell you that if it’s too much for you, that’s fine too," I said, smiling, but unable to stop my tears. "I had already decided I would let you choose this time before coming here. If living has become torture, if I can't do anything to help you, if you don't see in my eyes the future I see in yours, and if you really think you have nothing left, then giving up is an option too. But I want you to listen carefully to me, because I want you to consider my feelings too this time. All I want in the world is to be with you, so I won’t let you go alone." I took out of my pocket a small bottle of poison, the very same one that killed Shallie. Dan’s body stiffened in fear just by looking at it.

  "What are you doing, Drew? Where did you find that?" he asked me.

  "I bought it. From Cruise," I told him. "I made a deal with him and let him escape from the casino just to get my hands on his Dipsa."

  "Wh— Why did you do that?"

  "I thought a lot about it. You deserve to live. Shallie, Bart, Ms. Wilson... Everyone wanted and wants you to live. People who love you are waiting for you. I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with you and only you. But it's useless if you're the one who doesn't want to live anymore. You've been alone for too long… That's why I have decided that I won't let you be alone even in death. I'm coming with you this time. And I thought, that if I'm going to die… I would like to know what Shallie felt. This is just me being selfish, but I ask you to respect my decision."

  "No, no," he said, covering his crying eyes with his hands.

  "Dan," I forced him to look at me, moving away his hands, "you are my life. There’s no point in living if you’re not with me. I’m sorry but I’ll be selfish on that, so you can be selfish too and tell me how you really feel. If you want to die, I’ll drink this poison and kiss you goodbye. I’ll hold you in my arms until we breathe our last breath, here, in front of Shallie’s grave. But if deep inside of you there’s still the strength to go on, if there’s still even just a spark of hope, if you still want to live even just a little, then live, with me."

  "I… " he said in tears. I was ready to follow him until the end; I wanted him to be honest with himself and with me, for the first and maybe the last time. "… I can’t bear it anymore," he said, crying desperately. I smiled at him and kissed his forehead, then I opened the glass bottle and brought it to my lips. That’s alright. We’ll be together forever. I won’t leave you alone anymore.

  Our lives passed before my eyes in a blink: the first time we met, all the moments we spent together, the way we laughed and cried, our kisses, that sense of completeness we felt when we were making love. I wondered if we could feel it again on the other side.

  I wondered if An would be angry at us.

  "Drew!" Dan's voice brought me back to reality as he screamed my name, in tears, and grabbed my hand, preventing me from drinking the poison. "I want to live!" he shouted, and as soon as he did, I let the bottle fall on the ground and hugged him strong, my heart pounding fast. "Drew… I want to live, I want to be with you." He s
ighed in my arms. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

  "Dan…"

  "Sorry," he said again.

  "Dan."

  "Forgive me."

  "Dan!" I held him so strong he stopped breathing. "Don't apologize, please, because I won't apologize, even if I was so selfish." I kissed away his tears. "It’s over," I told him. "It’s over. It's just me and you from now on."

  "I'm scared," he confessed, twining his arms around me with his face hesitantly falling on my neck.

  "Don't be," I whispered. "Whatever happens, we'll face it together."

  "Drew…" His voice was almost impossible to hear. "…help me."

  His first, desperate, weak request for help.

  "I'm here for you, Dan. I will always be here for you."

  "Please, help me," he repeated again, tears running widely down his face. I gently passed my hand through his hair.

  "I'm here. Don't be afraid. I'm here now," I comforted him, lowered my head and kissed his mouth. Our first kiss since the day he left tasted like blood and tears, yet it was delicate and warm. As I took his lips I cried again, releasing all the fear of losing him that I had been keeping inside, all the stress coming from being away from him, and all my built up hatred and rage against Colten. "You're real, and you're here, with me," I whispered in his mouth. He touched my face with trembling hands and fell back in my arms. I had missed him so much.

  Chapter 73

  It was 10:30 p.m., and there was still time until the beginning of the ritual, so I took advantage of it to talk with Dan for a while. We sat under a tree in the graveyard, a little behind Shallie's grave. Dan was inspecting and touching my face with a worried look in his eyes. The scratches he left on my skin were burning a little, and the bite on my neck still faintly pulsed with pain.