by Pam Uphoff
"We have to do something about Eldon." Jade waved a newspaper under Rior's nose. "He made the front page. 'Rare black deer' my ass. I wonder how many women are suddenly realizing they've had dreams about that deer?"
"That's better than the 'Demon of Jones Creek' the internet is so excited about. It's got hundreds of women claiming sexual encounters, and I'm afraid only half of them are making them up." Rior pulled a bottle off the shelf. "Male to female. That might work."
"Ah, yes indeed. I just hope all his experimenting doesn't include a way to reverse it."
"Experimenting? Eldon?"
"It's pretty hit or miss, but he can make himself into something that's roughly equine. He can change colors and the idiot stuck a horn on the forehead and went prancing around, but that didn't make the papers. The kids think it's great and make him give them rides. Good thing he's not an pedophile. He might actually be hard to kill."
"So long as he doesn't leave any dead bodies around . . . Good morning, may I help you?" He turned smoothly to the first customer of the day, and Jade slipped away to check the kids. These people had a holiday they called Christmas, which apparently involved lots of gift giving, lots of eating, and chopping down pine trees, dragging them inside the house and decorating them. Jade had taken a single horrified look at the prices for the warped, twisted and trimmed trees and made a major illusion charm. The other witches were competing on making the exterior decorations.
"And Eldon got himself some jingle bells. Damn that goat." She dropped the potion in her purse and headed for the grocery store. Seven adults and ten kids, even with three of them still nursing babies, went through a lot of food. But the convenience! Just load the basket up, take it to the check out and . . . listen to the idiot ahead of you, talking aloud on the phone clipped to her ear.
"I'm absolutely serious. Pregnant! My own ice princess lawyer of a daughter. And if that wasn't enough to floor me, she got this bug in her brain about the father being some supernatural creature that seduced her on one of her morning runs. Really, I'm worried about her." A pause. "I've called Dr. Keller. He says he can't do anything unless she comes in herself. At least she finally agreed to go to an Ob Gyn. I've heard about hormones having odd effects sometimes, but this is scary."
Jade tapped her on the shoulder. "Are you aware that you are talking quite loudly, and everyone here can hear you?"
"What? Excuse me Doris, there's this rude woman eavesdropping, I'll call you back in a minute." She gave Jade a dirty look, and turned her back on her. "Some people have no manners at all!"
Jade snickered, and unloaded her groceries, paid for them, and wheeled them out to her car. This World had some distinct advantages, and she'd hate to have to leave over Eldon's sexual adventures. Of course they'd have to go eventually, but not before she'd robbed the Museum of Natural Sciences. What a collection of jewelry was doing there was difficult to fathom, well, part of the minerals collection, but wow. Not the rarest of stones, but amazingly artistic designs. No doubt Rior would want to hock them, but this time she was going to keep some for herself.
At home, Eldon was practicing with his horse shape. Horses being chunkier than goats or deer, he was a smaller pony than he was a goat. The kids had him dodging around bushes while they swung ropes, playing catch the wild stallion. In the brisk air that was Houston's version of winter, he was sweating like a horse, and finally veered to leap into the pool and cool off. He changed to human and climbed out of the pool.
"It can't be good for your bones, to change all the time like that." Jade told him, ignoring his nakedness. She threw together a snack for the kids, and checked that Betelgeuse, Epee, Falchion and Heso had all gone down to the shop. "Honestly, sometimes I feel like it's five adults and thirteen kids. And I'm not sure about Chi and Eppie."
"Ah, I'm an adult." Eldon started to lean closer, then backed off as she eyed him. "Mostly."
"No you're not. If you must seduce joggers on the levee, don't you think it would support your dream spell if none of them got pregnant?"
"Heck no. I figure I'm doing this World a huge favor. Fifteen years until these kids start showing magical talent, and then Look out Multi-verse! Maybe one of them will grow up to destroy the Quicksilver witch."
"Hmm. I wonder what the magic kids will think, when they grasp power. It'll be hard for them."
"No it won't. Every kid wants to be something special when they're a teenager. My kids will be."
"Bah! Go get dressed. Eat with the civilized people tonight."
"And miss the game? No way!"
Jade rolled her eyes. Definitely not an adult.
She swooped around to check the shop, and sent Epee and Falchion home. They waved to the four young men who worked part time for the Castles of Air. Good grief, they'd just had babies . . .
"Good afternoon, you are . . . Mrs. Williamson here for scalp invigoration and skin tightening. We'll be right with you." Couldn't call it bald when it was a woman client with thinning hair. And the 'skin tightening' was about guaranteed to make her a return customer. The four young men were still hanging about outside the window. The short brunette had good shoulders and a tight butt. She couldn't fault the younger witches' tastes. And just maybe she ought to snatch that one away from her sisters. For their own good. But . . . where to hide the body, on this overly populated world?
Chapter Twelve
3 January 2000
Holly put her aching feet up on her desk and sagged back against the wall. "Check the schedule again. I can't believe it's true."
"It's true, sister. January three, Y Two Kay. The world did not end two days ago, every computer in the world did not go belly up two days ago. We have cleaned up after the last New Year's party and the schedule is empty until January 24th." Julia sagged forward onto her desk. "I think we should close up and go celebrate by going home and vegging out for the rest of the day."
"Yeah. Sounds good. Shall we get chips and dip at the store on the way?"
"Why don't you go grab a big box of fried chicken, while I do the grocery store."
They staggered out to their cars and rendezvoused at home. Mother was working—school was back in session today—so they had the house to themselves. Holly grabbed plates for the chicken, bowls for the chips, glasses for the sodas. She pulled them out of the grocery bags with a few other thing Julia had bought . . . "Home pregnancy test! Julia!"
"Don't yell. Give me that. All I'd need is mother finding it."
"I thought you had an implant."
"I do, but you know how you've got to replace them every five years? More or less? Well, I'm getting close and, well, I've been a bit bloated and nauseous in the morning, well, since that, umm, fun evening with Heso."
"Oh. Good Grief." Holly put her head down. She'd had a few boyfriends, but never a long term relationship. Julia? She'd gone through boys like the grim reaper in high school. "Have you even talked to Heso since then?"
Julia blushed. "He was all upset when he learned I threw myself at him because of you being held hostage. He brought me flowers, and chocolates. We've umm, a couple of times. He's awfully good in bed."
"Ah." Holly shivered remembering the razor. The lawyers were maneuvering, and the trial, last she'd heard, had been put off another six months. Julia took the test kit away, and Holly surfed through the movies until she found 'That Night', and settled back for a good slobbery romance. Would she ever fall in love? Get pregnant? Her mind drifted to the very handsome Brian . . . Umm, no.
Chapter Thirteen
21 January 2000
Eldon, in his usual deer guise sauntered along, grabbing a succulent sprout, here and there. The wind was cold enough that the joggers were wearing latex and such. Nearly as picturesque as the track shorts they had been wearing, but harder to get them out of. The paths had been busy these last weeks. All those New Years Resolutions. Old Gods, what odd people. A lady in a skin-tight job . . . But there were a couple of men going the other way, and there wasn't much cover for a proper .
. . His ears twitched as he heard something behind him. Hunters, again? He brought up his kinetic absorption shield, spun and charged. The pair yelped and ran, dropping things that dangled around their necks. Photographers, not hunters, and one of them was female. A bit old, but why get picky about details, when they were volunteering themselves like this?
He chased the man up a tree and the woman around a few more—not that she seemed very interested in running . . . oh, she was maneuvering him into a spot where the man would have a good camera angle. No. Problem.
The whole thing was playing on the internet by midnight. Heso thought it was pretty funny. "She's just far enough away, and there's just enough branches in the way that no one is going to believe it wasn't faked. And, man, you got an ugly pizzle when you're a goat, and you spew all over."
"Yeah, ain't it great. Nasty and dirty. Old Gods, I was getting repeat customers for awhile there."
"They probably stop coming when they find out they're preggers."
Eldon chuckled. "Yeah. I'll bet that's a real shocker for some of them."
"Hey, listen to this 'Obviously a demon from Hell. The baby will be the Anti-Christ, heralding the beginning of the Final Tribulation.' These people really believe that shit."
"Well, don't you believe in magic?"
"Of course, because I can do it. These people, not a single one of them can do a bit of real magic, but they believe. Oh, now the UFOlogists are joining in."
"Ah, look at that picture! I don't look anything like that."
"Hey, check it out. 'I'm a clinical psychologist, and this fad is attractive to a certain needy kind of person, women who crave attention because of a lack of love and respect at home. Sexual fantasies are all well and good in their place, but a large number of women are pregnant, and claiming the demon of Jones Creek as the father. This denial that they had an ordinary affair, this need to dress it up in mysticism is a denial of responsibility, and retards their healing. Blatantly fake recordings like this one are simply bestiality porn, not proof of supernatural events.' Ha!"
"Hehehehe! Life is good."
"Hey, do you think it's been long enough? Falchion ought to be able to open a gate , and we can start raiding around in other Worlds again." Heso scrolled through a few other UFO and Weird things sites. The recorded seduction by the Demon had gone viral.
"Yeah. But I don't know why you're complaining, we get a lot of money to give a bunch of old men scalp massages. You allergic to making an honest living?"
Heso snorted. "You allergic to dating and voluntary sex?"
"Most of them wanted it, I just helped them get over their last niggling little doubts. You know, I think this place has a collective subconscious too."
"And it's making you into the God of Bestiality?" Heso snickered and scrolled further down the chat site.
Eldon considered the sheer volume of commentary, and suddenly decided that he'd better keep his depredations a bit further from home. He eyed the screen. And put on a better show, too. God of Bestiality? That's better than the God of Rapists but not as cool as the God of Orgies. But then Orion has that one all sewed up.
He had plenty of opportunities to show off, as demon hunters flocked to Jones Creek.
From behind a spell of ignorable he stalked the swarms of recorder-toting would-be film-makers until he could get one of the women off almost alone, pretending to not see the followers. Then he cycled through all the transformations he'd been working on while he humped the lucky woman in every way he could manage. The third night, the watchers rushed him with nets and he got peeved and raped the lot of them, without the dreamy sequence, but making them enjoy it, and making even the men want to have his baby. Howlingly funny, how they trimmed those recordings to avoid being identified as the ones being butt fucked by the pretty white unicorn that turned into the black goat, or the ugly half human, half deer.
That clued them onto the spells though, the mommy hunger one especially. There were even some pretty good analyses, that came close to the truth. But the religious ones, calling him a demon, the Devil himself, fell apart into bickering as to which specific demon he was. And of course, which baby was the real anti-christ. Seeing as how some of the babies had been born before he'd arrived last summer, it was pretty weird watching the nuts bare their innermost insane thoughts to the whole world. Actually . . . was he being influenced by these people? If there were enough nutjobs in the local population could they affect the collective conscience, and if he was being controlled by it, did that make him a god? No, just a very powerful magician who can't escape the expectations of the masses.
Footsteps brought their heads around. Rior scowled at the display on their screen. "We're attracting too much attention. I've asked Falchion to start working on a gate. We'll come and go, establish ourselves elsewhere and then we won't have to worry about all these women."
"And I can steal those wonderful necklaces in the Museum." Jade spoke from behind them. "So it would be nice if you would stop playing with the fools for a couple of months, Eldon." She sat her drink down so she could poke the screen. "This is ridiculous. One day, one of those people are going to kill you."
Eldon tried his best wide-eyed innocent look.
"Don't do it, Eldon. I'm warning you." With a last glare she stalked out.
"She's right. You endanger all of us. Stop for just a few months, then you can go ahead and have all the fun you want." Rior followed her out.
Eldon chuckled. "Aw, do I have to, Daddy?" He picked up Bete's drink and finished it. "Bleah. Fruity girl stuff. Gimme a beer any time, or a straight up single malt for special occasions."
"Yeah." Heso tapped at the keyboard. "They didn't say anything about not stirring the pot with inflammatory posts, did they?"
"Nope. Not a thing."
"Good, because this is almost as much fun as fucking them myself."
Chapter Fourteen
30 January 2000
Julia had rejected abortion out-of-hand, when their mother brought it up. And surely Julia could do the office work and driving, no heavy lifting for just a few months. Mother said she'd babysit on the weekends, when most of their out-of-office work was done . . . Mom must be insane.
And Julie worse. "We went to the zoo. Early in the morning before the animals were sick and tired of people watching. Goodness, I had no idea warthogs were so cute! And we walked in the park and he showed me something. Look."
She reached out into the bright winter sunshine and made a squeezing motion. "Heso says that's the power that goes into magic. He says when I can do that regularly, I can start learning magic."
Holly buried her face in her hands. "Julia, there is no such thing as magic."
***
". . . And that's all there is to it. And I'm going to go get my licks in before that damned spell takes hold." Eldon smirked and started transforming into the black deer.
Heso eyed the tangle of spells hesitantly. Couldn't resist throwing them into gear. "They've probably got a female-to-male potion too. We ought to raid the office. Ow, ow, ow, ow . . . snrk." He trotted to the bathroom and reared up to look in the mirror. He made a damn fine warthog, if he did say so himself.
The researchers of the supernatural who were prowling the woodlands to the south that night got a surprise bonus. In fact Heso and Eldon got a bit wild with the spells, producing something like a drunken euphoria. Big party in the woods, with lots of bumping and grinding. They staggered home in the pre-dawn and slept until Jade kicked them out of bed and sent them to shower and go to work.
"Did you see the films they posted this morning?" One of the older men was in for a skin tightening. His hair was now a thick rich brown.
It was his friend's first visit. He was getting the works, baldness treatment, hair all blonde, skin tightened. "I don't believe it for a second. There's never been two of them, there's never been a warthog, and they've never done a conga line before."
"I suppose. And there were a lot of homosexuals out there too. We've seen
that before, but never seen the Demon on the receiving end of it."
Heso wrapped him up like a mummy and sent him off for half an hour.
Eldon finished up the face wrap and his client sought his laptop, no doubt to compare recordings.
Heso sighed. "That wasn't one of our brighter moves."
"No kidding. Rior and Jade are both out, so I'm going potion hunting."
"Ah, good idea." Heso set the timer and followed him. The bottles were all labeled . . . "Here's one for 'Duchess Fanci—black hair, taller, enlarged organs.' Hey, I like the sound of that." He took a little nip.
"It'll probably only work on women." Eldon took a long pull, then spotted a bottle labeled female-to-male. That one he nearly drained. "Right, let's get out of here, before Rior thinks of something worse to do to us. Me."
They unwrapped and cleaned up their clients, and sent them off definitely thinner in the wallet.
They were busy all day, ushering the last customer out at eight, as these people measured their days. Eldon was doing the late cleanup when some noise drew him to the back. The space where the kids ran wild wasn't decorated like the rest of the shop. Just the bare metal panels. One of the side wall panels was quivering. Ah, the pretty ladies from next door. He turned off all the lights and waited patiently. The panel fell with a resounding clang.
After a very long moment, the brown-haired sister crept through the hole. The blonde sister was right behind her, and their part time helpers followed her.
They all had flashlights, and the beams zipped around the room, checking out the children's toys. There wasn't a chance of them spotting a light warp in the darting beams.
Julia, Heso's main squeeze, walked over to the door to the shop and peeked through carefully before she eased in. "Where do you think they'd keep something like a date rape drug?" Her flashlight wavered over the shelves of beauty products.