The Twelve Tools

by Natti Ronel

  TOOL 10

  Correcting Errors

  To err is human, to make amends -- humanity at its best.

  Let’s start with a moment of silence, in which everything we’ve brought in from outside slowly melts away and disappears almost completely, if we don’t hold on to it. So, we’ll set it free, quietly. … We’ll remember an incident in which somebody injured us. It makes no difference who the perpetrator was, what the injury was and how much did it hurt. We’ll search for an incident in which the perpetrator didn’t apologize, and we’ll examine ourselves -- what did we feel? What do we feel now, remembering it? We’ll recall another incident in which we were injured, and this time the perpetrator apologized and perhaps even tried to make amends. What did we feel? What do we feel about the incident now? …

  Let’s go back to the deep silence in our minds, which is focused only on itself, without any concentration or effort. Just silence, as far as that is possible. … Now we’ll recall an incident in which we injured somebody, it makes no difference who, when and how. Some injury, for which we haven’t yet apologized or done anything to make amends. What do we think that person felt? How do we feel about the incident now? We’ll also recall an incident in which we caused injury and apologized and perhaps even tried to make amends. How did we feel before the apology and after it? How do we feel now? …

  Let’s go back to the deep silence and listen only to the stillness. There is no injury, no injurer and no injured party. There is stillness that is alert, alive. …

  Thank you.

  The Graceway, as we have repeated many times, guides us towards living the grace that we want to encounter. There is a clear assumption that we can live the grace and encounter it in our lives. There’s also an assumption that living the grace is something we want; who doesn’t want to be in a state of grace? Despite this, in relationships with others, most of us make mistakes, sometimes consciously, sometimes less so. Error is an important component and it can even be beneficial in the human experience. But unfortunately, our mistakes sometimes hurt other people. Furthermore, sometimes even innocent and worthy actions are hurtful to others. There are times when the injury we cause isn’t conscious and it definitely isn’t intentional. Sometimes the injury is conscious and something we don’t want, but it seems to us that we have no choice. Additionally, and this is unfortunate, there have also been instances when we have hurt others deliberately. It happens. There’s no point in judging ourselves too severely or denying the facts as they were. What emerged from the Serenity Prayer was the possibility of accepting with serenity that we make mistakes from time to time. If we want to grow out of reality, it’s important that we accept it and we can carry on. An important stage in carrying on, which expresses the self- acceptance, is repair -- repairing what can be repaired. One of the important tools in progress, a tool for an advanced stage, is repairing the injuries that we have done to others.

  Sensitive repair

  It turns out that what is supposed to be a simple thing, natural, fluent, logical, and self-explanatory, isn’t like that at all. Very often, the idea of repair arouses opposition and is considered complicated. Most of us tend to avoid it, inventing excuses for ourselves and for the world, complicating things even more -- becoming entangled and sinking rather than rising. If we’ve made mistakes, and it’s natural to make mistakes, why avoid admitting and accepting? If we’ve hurt somebody -- what difference does it make if it’s intentional or not? It happens that we hurt people -- what could be simpler than making amends? We’ve already quoted the well-known statement from the Book of Proverbs (28, 13), “Whoever confesses and forsakes them shall have mercy,” and “forsakes” can be understood, among other possibilities, as meaning “makes amends.” Apparently, there should be no need for a repairing tool; we’re talking about something that’s supposed to be natural for all of us. We can all understand the need for correction of mistakes and injuries when we want others to correct mistakes that they’ve made with us and the injuries they’ve inflicted on us. Even when we aren’t the injured party, it’s easy for us to understand the need for repair and to suggest to others that they correct the harm they have done. But when the mistakes are ours, and the injuries done to someone else are the result of what we have said or done -- the stories begin. It’s so easy for us to evade repair time and again. The tool “Correcting Errors” tries to do without excuses and evasions, and instead of them to suggest an action that is simple, natural, fluent, and logical, and very much worthwhile for us and for the world.

  When we think of correcting mistakes, a few viewpoints arise that need to be considered -- our viewpoints and those of the injured parties. Perpetrators and injured parties have a different understanding of what has happened, and it’s important to be sensitive to the difference. We should bear it in mind that not every mistake leads to injury, and if someone is injured by us, the injury isn’t always the result of our mistake, or the mistake of anyone else. To correct mistakes, we should exercise common sense and also display the sensitivity that is required: towards us, towards others who may have been injured, to what requires repair and what does not, and, of course, the need to do no further harm.

  What about the injuries that we do to ourselves? A part of the sensitivity required is identification and correction of mistakes we have made towards ourselves, including injuries that we have done to ourselves. We have touched a little on the repair of mistakes and self-harm when we spoke about other tools, such as “Abstinence,” “Truth Only,” and “Distinguishing Facts.” Here, we focus on the harm we have done to other people. How do we put that right?

  “Correcting Errors” is a practical tool, proposing action that is apparently directed towards others, but the unintended results touch us in a big way. “Correcting Errors” is a tool of action, which is supposed to be at our disposal amid the storm of everyday life, helping us to stay afloat and not sink, even advance towards our favored destination. In order that the tool will be at our disposal when we need it, we incorporate it into the everyday with methodical exercise. At the end of the day, we examine the relationships we have had today, not only significant relationships, but also simple and momentary contacts, even with a trader we had dealings with in the market. A market trader is a good example. Let’s imagine a scenario in which at the end of the day we realize that we spoke to a market trader in an abusive manner, when were sure he was trying to cheat us over something. Our memory of what happened is quite hazy, and it doesn’t seem likely that the trader will remember us, especially as most of his day is taken up with the struggle for survival, and he’s used to relatively abusive language, the norm in many budget markets. But the trader isn’t the issue here. Anyone who goes to the market knows he or she is liable to encounter traders like this, although here and there we find exceptions. The question is whether we want to be as we were and to behave as we behaved? If, in our examination at the end of the day, the answer to the question is negative, then there is something here that needs correcting. The daily check helps us to identify it.

  How to put it right? The plan for correction should also be brought into the test, in a way that isolates the tool in relation to the other tools in which we are also testing ourselves. We’ll construct for ourselves an action plan of correction, as in the “Choosing in Advance” tool, except that here, we’re focusing on a certain action plan to correct our mistake, which injured someone else. For example, once I’ve identified the injury to him, I can construct a plan for repairing my relationship with the trader. So, if I’ve really insulted him, I can decide that on my next visit to the market I’ll go to him and apologize, and he can think whatever he wants to think. Sometimes it’s possible to repair by going back to buy from him with the purity of heart that gives another chance, without him cheating us, of course, since cheating isn’t good for anyone. We take responsibility for our part, but not for the emotional response of the other. This means that if we’ve behaved in a way
that isn’t right for us, we’ll go back there, apologize in a considerate way, without expecting any particular reaction on his part, and we’ll definitely behave differently.

  In closer relationships, things are likely to be a bit more complicated. For example, a couple who argues on almost every subject. In the situation that’s been created, both of them are afraid of correcting their own mistakes, lest the other partner exploit the correction. This is a kind of self-centeredness which also expresses mutual dependence. The “Correcting Errors” tool comes to liberate us from these two -- both from dependence and from self-centeredness as a central consideration. Usually, I would suggest to people who find themselves is such a situation that they should get used to admitting their mistakes and also putting them right. For example, if the husband is angry with his wife because he thinks she’s a spendthrift, instead of showing anger after she’s bought herself a new item of clothing, he could offer to come with her on her next shopping trip and buy something extra, a nice example of correction. When we get used to checking and looking for where we went wrong and how to put it right, we start to develop creativity. Creativity helps us to bring the correction to a deeper level, into the heart of the person who was the victim of our mistakes, and more importantly, into our hearts too.

  It’s worthwhile internalizing the daily examination until the moment arrives when we’ll no longer need to do this at the end of the day, but it will transform into our approach to life. The tool is aimed at this, to arrive at a situation where the moment we are aware that we’ve been mistaken, we apologize straightaway, looking creatively for ways to put it right, and put it right to the best of our ability. Apology is excellent and important, especially when we’re not use to apologizing, and sometimes it’s all that is needed. But sometimes it isn’t enough. Correcting isn’t only apologizing, and excessive apology damages our credibility and the correction itself. Let’s think again about the man who every now and then argues with his wife who, in his opinion, is a spendthrift. What good is it to him or to her if after every argument he apologizes, and then a few days later he’s arguing with her again? On the other hand, after he’s accompanied her once or twice on a shopping expedition to buy something she really likes, and it’s important that he shows generosity here, since it’s his mistake that’s being corrected -- if only for reasons of economy, he’ll be careful not to argue with his wife again; the results are too expensive. Anyway, with correction, something usually happens to him at a deeper level. It’s even possible that he’ll leave behind considerations of economy and think instead about improving his relationship with his wife. A similar principle applies in all relationships, even in quasi-hierarchical ones, for example, between parents and children. It’s highly advisable to get used to correcting mistakes with children of all ages. Someone once said: “Children grow up in spite of their parents,” and indeed, I haven’t met a parent who hasn’t messed up with children once or a thousand times. When parents correct their mistakes as soon as possible, something good happens to parents, children and the family. The personal example of the very ability to admit mistakes, apologize, and make amends is noble and worthwhile, and the children benefit in all directions.

  Distinguishing errors

  What is error and what is injury? In order to answer this question in the daily examination, we’ll exercise common sense and personal experience. The first thing, when we have ascertained that we spoke or acted in a way that wasn’t “truth only” -- already we have identified an error, since the aspiration is to advance by the light of truth. In such a case, even if no one was injured, our progress has been compromised and so we make amends and return to the truth, admitting our error to the other person while being as exact as is needed.

  Secondly, we usually know when we have been injured, and this knowledge is a good beginning, because with its help, we can check to see if we have hurt others. If we have acted in a way that would be injurious if it were turned on us, then it’s possible there was injury in the very fact of our action and correction is recommended.

  Thirdly, even if we have “the hide of an elephant,” we should remember that the other person is maybe not so thick-skinned. Identifying injury demands from us emotional openness to the other -- how do things look in his or her eyes? In general, it’s marvelous to get used to seeing the effects of our behavior through the eyes of someone else. The intention isn’t that we start doing audits of other people, which would create serious distortions, but that we learn about ourselves and about our self-centeredness through the potential long-term effects of our behavior. For example, nobody likes being shouted at in a hurtful manner in the presence of others, so if in the heat of momentary anger we have shouted at a subordinate worker, even if the reason was apparently justified, because the worker did something that damaged the quality of the work, the manner is still mistaken, and this we can tell by putting ourselves in the shoes of the worker who was shouted at. Wouldn’t it be better to take the person aside and explain to him or her? Probably the worker would prefer the mistake not to be the start of a process of personal humiliation. In such a case, it’s possible to apologize to the subordinate for shouting at him or her in front of the other workers, and take the opportunity to do something to show them all how much the worker is trusted. Just as the injury was done in the presence of others, the correction too, should be in the presence of others. In any case of correction, we should be sensitive to the need not to add insult to injury.

  A completely different case is when we have scolded the worker in a humane manner, and he or she is still offended, or we have defended somebody from potential injury inflicted by somebody stronger, and the other, the one who tried to injure, is injured by our response. In such cases, it’s possible that injury isn’t the issue.

  There are other instances when it isn’t clear if we had a part in the injury that someone has suffered. There exists a narrow dividing-line between the idea that we should avoid taking on ourselves too many mistakes and corrections, so that we refrain from self-blame, from self-righteousness, or the attempt to appear holy in the eyes of others or in our own eyes -- and denial of the mistakes and injuries that we’ve caused to others. We should listen with heightened openness to the one who is injured and learn how he or she is taking it, even if we’re not obliged to accept their opinion. If something wasn’t clear to us, we should remember that looking from the side can help us to see the opinions of others who aren’t involved. If our part in this is confirmed, then it’s up to us to put it right. At the end of the day, out of experience and with developing sincerity, we learn to identify more accurately the injuries that we inflict and also -- in the process of correction itself we sometimes make mistakes. It happens. That, too, can be put right.

  Let’s think back once more about an incident in which we admitted our mistake and perhaps even tried to make amends. Was it easy? Sometimes yes and sometimes less so. Why? There are a wide range of reasons that are all, in fact, only one reason -- self-centeredness. In self-centeredness, there is pride, and fear, and a feeling that we are the injured parties and not the ones who did the injuring. Reasons reflecting self-centeredness include attempts to do audits of other people and to see ourselves in a kind of mutual dependence with the other person. Such a view, which is common and normal, can’t exalt us, and it lacks the grace that we want to encounter. In order to live the grace, we start with the distinction that we’ve already talked about between what is theirs and what is mine. What others have done or not done to me, with intent or without it -- is theirs. How they will see me and what impression is made on them or on the world -- is theirs too. So, what is mine? To bring grace into my life, and that means to admit my mistakes, my share of the deceit, the quarrelling or the injury, and put right what can be put right, if possible. Even when correction is less easy at the beginning, when we get used to it, correction is revealed to be very easy, releasing us from all dependence.

  In all spiritual t
raditions, there is the perception that every action of ours brings results. Results in the material world and results with a spiritual dimension. The oriental law of karma in Hinduism and Buddhism is a law of cause and effect: a certain action of ours is the cause of an effect that we will encounter one day, in the current incarnation or the next. The effects of the action, combined with the effects of other actions, serve to determine our fate, our accumulated karma. There are religions which present a concept of reward and punishment, with God as the chastiser of sinful mankind. Reward and punishment express a language different from the language of grace and love. Fear of the accumulation of karma is negative. Even if accumulation is taken to be a natural law and not a punishment from God, it still speaks a language different from that of grace and love. The suggestion here is to take the language of grace and love as part of a comprehensive way of life. The tool, “Correcting Errors” is one of those which distinguish between just living and living the grace. As a principle of life, it leads us, gently, with the spirit of a loving God, towards a new way of thinking and a new framework of considerations. One of these considerations is that we strive to correct every mistake we’ve made which has caused injury, even if no one knows that we have erred, and even if we’re sure that someone has hurt us even more. These are considerations that aren’t relevant. What lies before our eyes is our course on the way, and we’ll refrain from doing an audit on anyone else. If there is injury that we have caused, it stands in our way and we should rectify it and carry on.

  TOOL 11

  Promoting Good

  Being good means doing good; doing good means being good.

  Let’s start with a moment of silence. A deep silence, in which everything that we have brought with us may calmly melt away, leaving behind only the silence. We’ll listen to the silence. … Still in silence, we’ll recall an instance in which somebody gave to us of himself or herself and did us a favor. Somebody unknown to us, or somebody very close -- somebody, that is all that matters. Let’s remember our feelings then. … and go back to the silence. … Thank you.