Twilight of the Star Vampires (Set of Books 1-3):A Parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek

by Paula Sunsong

“I thought only the Jetti Council could approve an apprentice moving up to becoming a Master Jetti.”

  “We’ll get the Jetti Council to rubber stamp your promotion later,” said Quitegone. He walked towards the front door of Shammey’s home.

  “Wait!” Obegone grabbed for the back of Quitegone’s robe to stop him, but Quitegone dodged with ease.

  “Oh, Shammey, dear, pack Manikin’s things. He’s coming with us,” said Quitegone.

  “Yes!” said Shammey jumping into the air. “Free at last! Now I can redecorate his room and turn it into a Day Spa."

  “Um, mom, aren’t you going to miss me?” said Manikin.

  She gave him a quick hug. “Of course I will dear, but mommy’s got her own life to live and you’ve been cramping her style.” Shammey looked around her home. “Swinging bachelorette pad, here I come!”

  “We don’t want to be hasty,” said Obegone, “and break up your happy little family.”

  “What happy family?” said Shammey. “Oh, you mean Manikin and I. Well, don’t give it a second thought. I don’t.”

  “You could end up with empty nest syndrome,” said Obegone, but Shammey’s back was to him as she was measuring the living room for renovation.

  “The love seat will go here,” said Shammey to herself.

  “I want to learn the ways of the farce,” said Manikin.

  “You wanted an apprentice, you got an apprentice,” said Quitegone smirking at Obegone. “Here you go, one apprentice, coming right up!”

  “No, no, no, no, no!” said Obegone, shaking his head like a dog shaking water off its fur.

  Chapter 5 What is worse than a Vampire?

  On the Trade Federation battleship, the Viceroy reported the escape of Queen Alldolla to Lord Insidious.

  “Fools! Can you do nothing right?” said Insidious.

  “Yes, I separate my laundry correctly,” said the Viceroy pointing to his robes. “You don’t get colors this rich washing everything in hot water.” The Viceroy’s assistant nodded his head in agreement.

  “You’ll be in hot water if you don’t force the Queen to sign the treaty legitimizing the Trade Federation running the Nabiscko snack empire.”

  “It’s not our fault. The Jetti and some strange man with plasma torpedoes helped the Queen escape.”

  “Jetti’s are powerful, but Dark Rips are more powerful. I shall send my apprentice, Dark Mall. Signing off, ta-ta.” The holographic image of Insidious fuzzed out and disappeared.

  “Ta-ta? This is getting out of hand, now there are two Dark Rips!” said the Viceroy.

  His assistant shrugged and felt the fabric of the Viceroy’s robe. “You did separate the laundry correctly.”

  The Viceroy snatched his robe from the assistant’s hand. “Stop that.”

  Dark Mall’s ship tracked the Jetti ship by using the stolen computer coordinates transmitted from Jetti ships to the Jetti Council. She landed on Tattooing, near the city of Mosteffa.

  Dark Mall stood on a sandy dune, overlooking the city. She was muscular and tall and her thick soled boots with spikes made her even taller. Her jet black hair fell over the trail of bumps on her forehead and scalp. Mall’s vampire fangs were longer than any other species of vampire.

  Dark Mall, a Kllingon Vampire, smiled to herself. Soon the Jetti and Queen would be in her power. She straddled her hoverbike and sped towards the Jetti’s ship.

  Manikin shuffled along in the sand behind Obegone and Quitegone. They were walking back to the outskirts of town where the ship was parked. Quitegone had borrowed money for spaceship replacement parts from a grateful Shammey. Shammey was used to loaning money to boyfriends, and they didn’t even take Manikin off her hands. The Jetti bought the parts from an all night robot run ship repair place.

  They stopped next to the town’s power plant. The heat from a vent wafted up, causing sweaty Quitegone to sweat even more.

  “Here, carry this, apprentice, I mean former apprentice,” said Quitegone, handing the heavy energy cell to Obegone. Obegone took it and then handed the energy cell to Manikin. “You carry this, my new apprentice.”

  “I thought Jetti apprentices got to do cool stuff,” grumbled Manikin.

  “Carrying this will build up your stamina for cool Jetti stuff.” Obegone tried to adopt Quitegone’s all wise monk position, with arms crossed, and hands up his sleeves.

  Undaunted by even the dry desert, Jaja skipped towards them, her cookies in a woven basket over her arm. She and Queen Paddy Alldolla had come from the spaceship to check on the progress of replacing the damaged ship parts.

  The thrum of a hoverbike engine reached Quitegone’s ears first. He spun around, just in time to see Dark Mall bearing down on Manikin.

  “Manikin, duck!”

  “Huh?” was all Manikin could say before he was bonked on the head by Dark Mall’s bike.

  Dark Mall laughed and spun her hoverbike around with a shower of sand. Quitegone grabbed his light sword from his belt.

  Mall’s dark brown eyes raked over the group, particularly landing on tall and lean Quitegone. She eyed him up and down appreciatively. “So you are the Jetti Master?”

  Feeling reassured by the humming sound of his light sword, Quitegone waved it back and forth in front of him and fixed Dark Mall with a steely eye.

  “I am a Jetti Master. Whether I am THE Jetti Master remains to be seen.”

  Dark Mall threw her head back and laughed with abandon. “This will be more fun than I thought. Come Jetti master, let us see if you are THE one I seek.”

  “And you, my good lady, are?”

  Mall laughed again. “Dark Mall, Lady Dark Mall, if you like, or you may call me THE Dark Rip.” She gunned the hoverbike and charged forward.

  “Manikin, take Queen Alldolla back to the ship and protect her. Obegone and I will fight this evil Dark Rip,” said Quitegone. Manikin looked up dazedly and snorted out sand. His eyes focused on the curvy form of the Queen.

  “With pleasure!” said Manikin sideling up to Queen Alldolla, who looked at Quitegone for pity. She mouthed “Save me from him!” but Quitegone was running forward to meet Dark Mall’s charge.

  “Aaaarrrrrgggghhhh!” screamed Quitegone, light sword gleaming, as he rushed towards the oncoming hoverbike. Dark mall leaned forward, her eyes narrowing as she focused in on the kill.

  “Jump, Quitegone! She’s too fast,” yelled Obegone.

  “I can do it, my former apprentice.” Quitegone ran like he had seen blue men run in historic dramas featuring big beefy men 50 pounds heavier than him, and with arm muscles much thicker than his spindly legs. “Watch a master Jetti at work.”

  Obegone felt tempted to drop his sword and cover his eyes, but instead ran in to save Quitegone who had gone quite mad. Dark Mall was but a few feet away.

  “Oh but this is too easy. Toying with him would be much more pleasurable.” Mall smirked, and at the last second swerved to avoid Quitegone.

  “Ooofff!” cried Obegone, as Mall’s bike sideswiped him. He tumbled backwards, and into the vent hole.

  “Heeellllpp!” The sound of Obegone’s cry diminished as he fell deeper into the vent.

  Quitegone turned off his light sword. “Sorry, my lady Dark Mall, I must engage with you later. Now it is time to save my former apprentice before he becomes permanently former Obegone,” and with that, Quitegone dove into the vent.

  “I’m not done playing with you yet,” cackled Dark Mall, who glowed at the thought of “engaging” with the Jetti Master who called her lady. She vaulted off her hoverbike, and followed the Jetti.

  Obegone plunged into the warm darkness of the vent. It curved and his back hit the slippery metal. He slid downwards towards the growling light of the massive inner chamber holding the power core.

  He landed on piles of insulation stacked against the wall under the vent.

  “Oh good a soft landing…no!”

  “I’m coming. I’ll save you,” said Quitegone as he plummeted out of the vent and landed on Obegone
.

  “Get off!”

  “Come now my friend, I don’t weigh that much.”

  With a battle cry, Dark Mall fell from the vent opening and landed on top of them both.

  “Now you weigh a lot,” grumbled Obegone, trying to shove Quitegone and Dark Mall off him.

  Dark Mall, lying on top of Quitegone, broke into almost girlish giggles. She rolled off him, landing perfectly on her feet, with light sword drawn. The two Jetti rolled clumsily off the stack of insulation.

  “A slug with a hangover gets out of bed faster than that,” taunted Mall. She danced forward, taking a playful swipe at Quitegone with her light sword.

  “Gaaaa!” Quitegone threw his hands up as he jumped backwards. His robe gaped open where Dark Mall had precisely cut her initials in the cloth.

  Mall lustily eyed Quitegone’s exposed chest.

  “Now, while she is distracted, attack together!” cried Quitegone.

  “Two against one, oh how unfair of you,” Dark Mall said feigning fear.

  “Now you will see what defeat looks like,” crowed Obegone.

  Laser swords flashing, Obegone and Quitegone both attacked Dark Mall. Mall gracefully sidestepped Obegone’s sword swipe, then blocked Quitegone’s thrust. Mall pushed in closer to Quitegone, their laser swords locked, faces but a few inches apart. Quitegone could feel Mall’s hot, earthy breath on his face.

  “Come. Engage with me, Jetti Master.”

  Obegone attacked Mall from the side. Without even moving her focus from Quitegone’s face, she parried Obegone’s sword.

  Quitegone’s eyes widened. “Impressive.”

  Mall grinned. “That is nothing. Watch this.” She twisted on one leg, kicking Obegone in the stomach, while simultaneously clashed swords with Quitegone.

  It was an uneven battle, and the tide quickly turned in the favor of the best fighter--Dark Mall.

  “I should have paid more attention in Yodama’s light sword class,” said Quitegone.

  “I should have been a fashion designer,” said Obegone, a bead of sweat running down his forehead, into one eye. He stopped fighting to rub his eye. Taking advantage of his momentary lack of focus, Dark Mall rammed him off the walkway to a lower floor.

  “Damn you!” said Quitegone charging Dark Mall. She backed down a corridor of security switches towards the center of the power plant operations. The movement triggered the laser wall security system. Four laser walls switched on, trapping Quitegone between them.

  “Master, wait for me,” said Obegone, getting to his feet. “That man, for all his lectures on patience, he charges ahead without me.” He ran after Quitegone, but his shoes squeaked to a halt, as a laser wall blocked the way.

  Dark Mall paced in front of the laser wall separating her from Quitegone. Her red rimmed eyes glowed and her bumpy forehead showed only a small feminine sheen of sweat from the light exertion of fighting two Jetti at once. She hit the laser wall with her sword, causing a flash of red on the wall, but the sword didn’t penetrate.

  “Oh, bother,” said Quitegone, kneeling on the floor. He tried to quiet his mind, but was distracted by Dark Mall’s spiky shoes as she paced. He hoped she didn’t kick him.

  Dark Mall waited, anticipating Quitegone’s attack as soon as the laser wall released. Quitegone looked up into Dark Mall’s face. She smiled, and her fangs extended their full length. She looked hungrily at the Jetti, like he was a hot fudge sundae with a cherry on top.

  The security system kicked off and the laser wall disappeared.

  “Run!” yelled Quitegone running at full speed away from the Kllingon, to the surprise of both Dark Mall and Obegone. He kept running past a stunned Obegone. The Kllingon laughed, and ran after him.

  “So you like being chased?” said Dark Mall.

  “No, go away!”

  “I’m going to catch you,” said Dark Mall closing the gap between her and Quitegone. “Then I’ll catch the Queen.”

  “You can’t have the Queen,” cried Quitegone.

  “Then I’ll have you instead,” laughed Dark Mall. She grabbed Quitegone and threw him over her shoulder. The jolt caused Quitegone to drop his laser sword. Quitegone kicked and pounded uselessly on Mall’s back.

  Obegone raced in front of Dark Mall. He stood, feet wide apart, holding his laser sword with both hands.

  “You shall not pass!” said Obegone. “Release your prisoner.”

  With one hand on Quitegone, and one hand on her laser sword, Mall knocked Obegone’s sword out of his hand. Obegone’s mouth dropped open. He swallowed, blinked and recovered from his shock of losing the sword.

  He held out his hand in a stop gesture. Dark Mall looked at him curiously. Obegone caught a movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a person coming towards them, a short, round person with pointy ears.

  “What do you think you’re doing? Do you think you can stop me with a hand?” said Mall.

  “Cookies!” said Obegone.

  “What?” said Dark Mall and Quitegone at the same time.

  “Jaja Dinks, please give Dark Mall some special cookies,” said Obegone as Jaja approached. “Extra special cookies,” he winked and jerked his head towards Quitegone being held by Dark Mall.

  “Extra special cookies?” said Jaja.

  “Magic cookies,” said Obegone, “with special herbs. Mellow cookies.”

  Jaja looked puzzled. She looked at Obegone who darted his eyes at Dark Mall. Jaja looked at Dark Mall with Quitegone over her shoulder. Then it dawned on her. “Oh, special magic mellow cookies! One coming right up.” Jaja reached into her green shoulder bag and pulled out a cookie wrapped in a palm leaf. She handed it to Dark Mall.

  “I’m not going to eat this. You must have poisoned it,” said Dark Mall glaring at the cookie in her hand.

  “I am an Elf of the respected rank of Magic Baker. My cookies are of top quality. We do not make poison cookies,” said Jaja drawing herself up to her full height of four feet. “I’ll eat some to prove it to you.” Jaja reached over and broke off a large chunk of the cookie in Mall’s hand. She popped the chunk into her own mouth. Jaja chewed and swallowed, and a smile spread across her face.

  Dark Mall raised the cookie to her mouth and ate it in two bites. A smile slowly spread across Mall’s face too.

  “Just like my mother used to make,” said Mall. “Except hers were shaped like scimitars and fighter ships.”

  “So now you’ll let Quitegone go,” said Obegone, trying to use Jetti mind powers.

  “Ha, ha, he’s my man now,” said Dark Mall. “I’m keeping Quitegone forever.”

  “But the magic mellow cookies…” said Obegone looking from Mall to Jaja.

  “Are love cookies,” said Jaja. “I got the herbs from Iris, the Denobian hostess of the singles roulette event. She knows a lot about love herbs.”

  Obegone slapped his forehead. “I meant give Dark Mall a sleep cookie. I didn’t know you even talked to Iris.”

  “I always talk to local herbalists. You learn so much that way. Then I collect local herbs for my cookies.”

  “You ate part of the cookie, Jaja. Why aren’t you affected?”

  “I am, you beautiful hunk of Jetti, you,” said Jaja moving closer to Obegone.

  “Mall, my sweet,” said Quitegone from his place draped over Dark Mall’s shoulder.

  “Yes, my tall cool drink,” said Dark Mall.

  “Please set me down.”

  “No, you’ll run away.”

  “Mall, my honey bunch,” said Quitegone. “Will you stop hunting the Queen?”

  “If I get you, instead,” said Mall.

  “It’s a fair bargain,” said Quitegone. “Tally ho! Onward my sweet.” Quitegone twisted around to look at Obegone. “Promise me you will train Manikin in the ways of the farce. I’m counting on you. He is the chosen one!”

  Before Obegone could answer, Dark Mall ran off, carrying Quitegone towards her ship.

  “What will I tell the Jetti council?” said Obegone.

/>   “He was lost in the battle with the Dark Rip,” said Jaja putting her arms around Obegone.

  “That will work. I’ll tell the Jetti Council that,” said Obegone. He looked down at Jaja with her arms wrapped around him. “How long does the effect of the love herbs last?”

  “Depends on the species and true feelings of the person eating the cookie,” said Jaja. “If they feel some attraction before eating the herbs, it may last a long time.”

  “Um, how attracted were you to me before eating the cookie?”

  “Let’s just say the effect is already wearing off,” said Jaja, dropping her arms away from Obegone.

  Chapter 6 Jetti Test

  Obegone carried out Quitegone’s last wish, at least the last wish Obegone heard from Quitegone, as Dark Mall now had him, and may have heard many more of Quitegone’s wishes, and may have even fulfilled some of them if they amused her and she had the proper attire.

  Obegone took Manikin to the Jetti Temple for training.

  “The Jetti Council will determine your future,” said Obegone. “So treat them with respect.”

  “I will treat them with the same respect I give everyone,” said Manikin.

  “Good luck then, you’re going to need it.” Obegone led Manikin through the seemingly endless corridors of the temple, to two arched doors. Obegone waved his fingers at the doors, exerting the farce energy to open them. They flew open with a bang.

  “Come in, Obegone. I can tell it is you by your knock,” said an aged voice. Obegone and Manikin entered. The room was circular, with a ring of chairs filled with creatures of all sizes and shapes.

  Obegone stopped in front of a wizened, short green creature, and nodded in brief respect.

  “Yodama, it is under sad circumstances I meet you here. I must bring you bad news. Quitegone has been lost to a an evil Jetti called Dark Mall, and I bring you Manikin, a new apprentice.”

  There was a gasp, and council members exchanged worried looks.

  “This is sad news indeed,” said Yodama, “To have lost Quitegone is a big loss, but perhaps we have hope for the future in this young man as a new apprentice.”