Twilight of the Star Vampires (Set of Books 1-3):A Parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek

by Paula Sunsong

  Obegone choked. Manikin stood awkwardly, feet pigeon-toed, and hands behind his back as he gazed around at the council members, especially the female ones in miniskirts. After a few moments of coughing, Obegone was able to clear his throat and continue.

  “Yes, Quitegone is in heaven now.” Obegone looked upwards and tried to look pious. He figured that wild sex with a passionate vampire Kllingon was as close to heaven a scoundrel like Quitegone would get.

  “We will remember Quitegone as he would have wanted to be remembered,” said Yodama, who then turned to Wince Madu. “Call up the bar and say we want a corner table, and we will start a barroom brawl later.” Yodama turned to Manikin. “And for you, young one, the Jetti Council will test you, to determine your eligibility for Jetti knighthood.” Yodama nodded at Wince Madu, who pulled up a computer tablet from a pocket in his chair.

  “Manikin, you will guess the objects that will come up on the computer screen,” said Yodama.

  “A troll.”

  “We haven’t started yet.” Wince Madu typed on the computer. “Okay, now what is on the computer screen?”

  “A cool looking, speed racer starship.”

  “No, it’s a bike,” said Wince.

  “Oh, a bike.”

  “Correct! Okay, now guess the next object.”

  “A troll.”

  “No, it’s a little boy playing baseball.”

  “Oh, a boy.”

  “Right! Amazing, he got all the answers right! He is powerful with the farce,” said Wince to Yodama.

  “It takes more than that to be a Jetti Knight.” Yodama narrowed his eyes and looked Manikin up and down. “I sense fear in you, Manikin Stywalker. Fear of loss. Do you miss your mother?”

  “She did pay the bills,” said Manikin shrugging.

  “You cannot fear and be a Jetti knight,” said Yodama. “Fear leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, suffering leads to founding a new religion, which leads to fame and fortune as a TV evangelist, which leads to embarrassment in the press as they reveal your naughty, secret sex life.”

  “Sounds good to me,” said Manikin. “I’d like a naughty, secret sex life.”

  “Hmmm. Come Jetti Council members,” said Yodama gesturing. The Jetti council huddled together to decide Manikin’s fate. After a few moments of hushed discussion, they came to the conclusion that they too would like a naughty, secret sex life and that Manikin fit right in.

  “Train him, you will, Obegone,” said Yodama. “But if he turns out to be an evil Jetti, that makes a Death Star and wipes out a planet, we’ll blame you.”

  “Yes, Master Yodama.” Obegone bowed to the Jetti Council, turned, rolled his eyes and walked out the door. He walked quickly, hoping Manikin would get lost in the maze of hallways in the Jetti Temple.

  Unfortunately for Obegone, Manikin was able to follow Obegone through the complex Jetti Temple. Manikin had a lot of practice in finding guardians trying to lose him, as his mother tried it frequently at the mall, but Manikin knew where his meal ticket was coming from and always found her.

  Obegone led Manikin to the street outside of the Jetti Temple. Outside vendors were selling, to tourists, sacred figures, including little green Yodama statues. Obegone looked at a rack of them, waved his fingers and sent several flying to the ground with the farce.

  “First we will get your hair cut in the Jetti style,” said Obegone, eyeing Manikin’s floppy hair. “Come, the barbershop is nearby.” Obegone walked down the cobblestone street.

  “Master Obegone, may I ask questions?” said Manikin hurrying to catch up with Obegone, as Manikin had stopped to pocket a Yodama figure to add to his action figure collection.

  “That was a question,” said Obegone.

  “So, may I ask questions?”

  “It’s not the how, but the why,” said Obegone.

  “What?” said Manikin. “Well, why do Jetti get a haircut?”

  “To cut off a connection to the past to make way for the future.”

  “But I like my hair.”

  “You must learn to let go of these material things.” Obegone stopped in front of a barbershop. Inside a creature with eight tentacles shaved a creature with ten chins.

  “I’m not going to get a haircut,” said Manikin, looking at his reflection in the window of the barbershop. He looked pretty damn good. Why mess with perfection.

  “Manikin, do not make me use the ways of the farce to force you.”

  “Go ahead and try it.” Manikin faced Obegone, and planted his feet widely apart, bracing himself for Obegone’s attack.

  Obegone narrowed his eyes; he wiggled his fingers towards Manikin.

  “The farce will move you!” Nothing happened.

  “Ha!” Manikin smirked. “The farce is strong in me. You cannot move me old man.”

  Obegone picked up a garbage can, and smacked Manikin in the stomach, causing him to tumble backwards into the shop. The barber grabbed Manikin with four tentacles, and plopped him into the chair. Two other tentacles secured restraints (put there previously for the more reluctant customers) around Manikin.

  “Let me free, you Cthulu reject!” Manikin wriggled in the chair.

  “Give him a Jetti special haircut,” said Obegone.

  The barber grabbed scissors in each tentacle, then with a blur of motion cut Manikin’s hair. A cloud of cut hair fell to the floor.

  “There, done. What was all the fuss about? You look marvelous.” One tentacle held up a mirror to Manikin. His hair was shorter, except for one long skinny braid.

  “It’s a 1980s lesbian haircut! How is that a Jetti haircut?” cried Manikin.

  “Haven’t you ever seen how much power a lesbian has?” said Obegone. He was thinking of the time he propositioned the wrong woman at a bar. It took days to remove the “This Insults Women” stickers from various places she had pasted them on his body, while holding him upside down by his ankles. It took 3 treatments to get them off his dry clean only Jetti robes. And those had been his best, designer Jetti robes. Although his robes looked like clothing someone wore, unwashed, for 3 weeks in the desert, they were actually designer stressed for that devil may care look. Some Jetti were very fashion conscious. Jetti Fashion Week was the place to be for the Jetti Glitterati, or Cutter-ati as they were sometimes referred to as they displayed their light saber skills.

  Obegone adjusted his robes fondly, then said: “Come Manikin, we will return to the ship, and soon begin your training.”

  Chapter 7 Obegone Trains Manikin, Or a Series of Unfortunate Events

  Week One: Obegone Bites:

  Obegone bit the bullet, and tried to train Manikin, in between making Manikin do the housework.

  “Time for more training, Manikin,” called Obegone into the open hatchway as he stood outside the ship.

  Manikin walked out of the kitchen while drying his dishpan hands on an apron. Obegone had convinced Manikin doing the dishes was like “wax on, wax off” martial arts training like in the movie “Kung fu Kid.” He told Manikin: “Wipe the dish like this to build your ward off hand moves.” Manikin had washed and dried a week’s worth of dishes in one hour and now could effectively ward off flies.

  “Now my young apprentice, you will learn how to move up walls, and leap farther than thought humanely possible.”

  “Great, now I get to learn the ways of the farce.” Manikin pulled off his apron to look manlier for training.

  “Actually, I’m bringing in a Parkour free runner to train you.”

  “Cool!”

  “And if your Jetti career doesn’t work out, you can become a stunt man.”

  “Works for me,” said Manikin. “Look at me, I’m a Jetti stunt man!” He decided to already start free running, before having lessons and was running at a wall.

  “Oh god.” Obegone turned away so he wouldn’t see the outcome. He was still digesting his big breakfast of purple eggs and blueberry pancakes that Manikin had cooked, and didn’t need more nausea.

  As Manikin l
ay crumpled at the foot of the wall, he mused it was good he was motivated. He wanted to be a Jetti Knight so he would be made into a Leggo character.

  Week Two: Coloring inside the lines

  “Now turn on your light saber,” said Obegone, standing with his thumbs in his belt.

  “Alright! I’ve been waiting to fire up this sucker ever since I became a Jetti apprentice.” Manikin punched the on button with the glee of turning on a new video game system.

  “Careful, careful. Before fighting you must chose a light saber color, for the blade, not the hilt.”

  Manikin frowned. “Purple?”

  “No purple. Jetti’s choose blue or green for the good side of the force.”

  Manikin turned it to blood red. He held up the blade and giggled.

  “That’s for the dark side, Manikin. Good Jetti’s never use that color.”

  “But I like red.”

  “No, Manikin.”

  Manikin fiddled with the color controls. The red shifted to a nearby color.

  “That’s still red, change it again,” said Obegone, fidgeting with his robe collar.

  Manikin stared into the glowing laser blade. “It’s not red, it’s hot pink.” Manikin looked mesmerized. “If I could choose a saber color, it would be hot pink. I’d have my own Jetti empire, with hot pink clad guards.”

  “Ummm well, you don’t have a Jetti empire. You are an apprentice. Your empire consists of dirty dishes.”

  “Someday, that will change, and it will be you doing the dishes, old man!” Manikin cackled.

  Obegone sighed and wished Quitegone had not dumped this upstart on him. Quitegone was probably on some vampire Kllingon beach, drinking a bloody Mary and making kissy faces at Dark Mall. Maybe Obegone could arrange to get carried off by Dark Mall’s sister.

  Week Three: Manikin learns about Jetti Celibacy

  “Master Obegone, why do we follow a green puppet?” asked Manikin Stywalker.

  “What green puppet?” said Obegone, who was trying to kill a fly with his light saber.

  “Master Yodama.”

  “Master Yodama is a great Jetti Knight. You should learn from him.” Obegone missed the fly, slammed his light saber into the wall, and cut a gash two feet long.

  “Master Obegone, you cut a hole in the wall.”

  “Master Yodama can use the force to cloud men’s minds. Watch. You see no hole in the wall.” Obegone waved his hand in front of Manikin.

  “Yes, I do.”

  “No, you don’t” Obegone waved more vigorously.

  “Yes, I do.”

  “NO YOU DON’T!” Obegone put two fingers out to poke Manikin in the eyes. Manikin jumped back.

  “Okay, I don’t see a hole,” sighed Manikin.

  “Aha! The farce is strong,” declared Obegone smiling broadly. “You have much to learn my young apprentice.”

  “Yes, Master Obegone,” said Manikin.

  “Come, we are to meet Queen Paddymay Alldolla, who is friends with Queen Lateafaah. We will rap with her. There is a plot on her life.”

  “Paddymay is one hot potato,” said Manikin.

  “Grasshopper, there is no room for hate, or love for Jetti Knights,” said Obegone.

  “You didn’t tell me about that when I joined!” wailed Manikin. “I would have joined the boy scouts instead.”

  “I know you wish for love, Manikin,” said Obegone.

  “Well, at least a date,” said Manikin. “And what is this no room for hate idea? I want to go on killing sprees.”

  “Then you’ll have to do them without hate,” said Obegone.

  Week Four: First Jetti Assignment

  A sleek star cruiser, the color of liquid silver, cut through the atmosphere and followed the “land here” signs. The pilot gently settled the star cruiser on the “here” letters and cut the engine. The ship faced a billboard saying “If you lived here, you would be home by now” with a picture of a happy reptilian family of four, smiling as they stood proudly in front of their newly bought home.

  The star cruiser’s door opened, and tilted downward to form a ramp. Two royal guards strode forward, followed by a woman dressed like she was ready to perform in a Japanese Kabuki play. Her hair was elaborately piled on her head, and she wore stark white makeup with a deep red lipstick. She clutched a fur coat close to protect against the cold winds.

  “Queen Alldolla, the senate awaits your presence,” said a man dressed as a page from the senate. He stepped forward. “But the revolutionaries await this!” He drew his hand from behind his back, where he had hid a balloon filled with paint. He flung it with all his might, shattering it against her fur coat, leaving a spatter of red paint. “Fur kills! Ha, ha, ha.”

  He was still laughing insanely as the royal guards dragged him away. Queen Alldolla slipped on a smear of red paint on the ground and fell into a puddle of paint. Paddymay, disguised as a handmaiden rushed forward. Paddymay, or Paddy as her friends called her, was the true queen.

  The fake Queen looked up into Paddy’s eyes. “I’m sorry, my queen I have failed you.”

  “Yeah, the coat is a mess!” said Paddymay, “and it was made from the coat of a giant Denebian mole, too. Where will I get a replacement for that?”

  Obegone and Manikin stepped into the turbo elevator, which had a glass wall overlooking the city. They shot upwards, leaving their stomachs behind, towards the thousandth floor, where Paddy’s penthouse suite was. They passed through several yellow brown smog layers along the way.

  The door swished open, and they found themselves in the living room of the suite. Paddy stood majestically by the window, gazing out into the yellow haze. She twirled and strode forward, her voluminous purple velvet skirt trailing behind her.

  “Obegone, how good of you to come,” Paddy smiled and extended her hand. Obegone bent over Paddy’s hand and kissed it. Paddy turned towards Manikin. “Manikin, my how you have grown. You will still always be the ten year old boy to me.”

  “You met me a month ago, and I’m 27,” mumbled Manikin.

  Paddy extended her hand. Manikin bent to kiss, and kiss, and kiss her hand, moving to her wrist, and up her arm. “Manikin you have grown up,” said Paddy, removing her arm from Manikin’s grasp before he moved all the way up her arm to her chest. She subtly shook off Manikin’s drool.

  “Senator Paddymay, we are here to protect you from this plot on your life,” said Obegone.

  “I need answers, not more protection.” Paddy pulled out a board game on Trivia. She pulled out a card from the game. “For example: who starred in the 1980s television sitcom…”

  “No, Senator, that’s not what we mean…”

  “Okay then,” Paddy pulled out the New York Thymes crossword. “I never can finish these. What’s a four letter work for a waterfowl?”

  “Senator, we provide security. We are not here to provide answers. The Imperial Senate has ordered us to protect you, nothing more. We’d have to charge time and half for answers.” Obegone pulled out his Jetti timecard.

  “I’ll find out the answers, Paddy,” said Manikin sitting down next to her.

  “You will learn to follow my lead, Manikin,” growled Obegone, standing up. Striding forward in a manly way, he tripped over his robes.

  “If you excuse me, I will retire,” said Paddy. She stood up and gracefully stepped over Obegone’s prostrate body. With a swish of her skirts, and a swish of the opening door, she exited to the bedroom.

  “I’ve thought of her every day since I met her, and she hardly remembers me,” sighed Manikin.

  “Don’t feel bad, Manikin. Most people feel that way about you.”

  “Good to know. I feel better now.”

  “Manikin, you will have the first watch. Make sure Paddy is safe,” said Obegone, laying down on one of the curved sofas.

  “Ok,” said Manikin, who plopped down on the other curved sofa, and put his feet up on the kidney bean shaped coffee table. He picked up the crossword puzzle.

  “You should
be in the same room as Paddy.”

  “Don’t worry, Master Obegone. I can sense everything that happens in that room.”

  Meanwhile, outside Paddy’s bedroom, a creature, glanced furtively to the left and right. He stood on the wing of his hovercar, and placed a laser knife against the wall, cutting through it with a loud metallic humming noise and a shower of sparks.

  Manikin raised his voice to carry over the loud noise. “I have sharpened senses, able to detect sounds well below levels audible to the normal human ear.”

  “And if the attacker is silent as a grave?” Obegone narrowed his eyes and sent a piercing look at Manikin.

  “Then my heightened eyesight would spot him,” said Manikin narrowing his eyes and glaring back at Obegone. There were flashes of light behind Manikin, as the creature outside cut accidentally into a power cable.

  “Ouch, dammit,” said the creature, as the electricity stung him. He stood there, sucking on a sore finger. The lights inside the living room flickered. Manikin and Obegone took no notice.

  “Go into Paddymay’s bedroom and watch her,” said Obegone emphasizing each word.

  “Why didn’t you put it that way earlier?” said Manikin leaping to his feet, a gleam in his eye. He rushed into Paddy’s bedroom.

  The creature outside had now cut a hole into Paddy’s bedroom. He shoved a laser pistol into the opening.

  “Paddy, DUCK!” yelled Manikin.

  Paddy, who was removing her elaborate necklace, dropped it and dove to the ground. A laser bolt shattered the mirror where she had just stood. She pulled a laser pistol from the sleeve of her robe, aimed at the intruder outside, and shot the pistol out of his hand. The creature leapt back from the wall, into the cockpit of the hovercar, and roared off.

  Paddy rose from the plush carpet. She smiled widely and took Manikin’s hands in her own.

  “Oh, Manikin, thank you for warning me.”

  “It’s no big deal, Paddy. It’s just the answer to the crossword.” Manikin smiled patronizingly.

  Paddy’s eyebrows pulled together in confusion.