Twilight of the Star Vampires (Set of Books 1-3):A Parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek

by Paula Sunsong

  “Manikin, you escaped!” said Paddy.

  “I know, you’re overcome with joy!” said Manikin. “Can someone help me up?”

  Obegone and Paddy looked at each other. Paddy made no move to help Manikin. Obegone sighed, bent down and grabbed Manikin’s wrist. He tugged, and threw his weight backwards, pulling Manikin onto the troop carrier.

  “How cute!” said Paddy looking at the dog on Manikin’s ankle.

  “Thanks, I work out.” Manikin leaned towards Paddy to kiss her. “Now, we can be reunited.”

  “Who’s a good dog!” said Paddy leaning forward. Manikin looked confused, not sure if Paddy was addressing him.

  The dog let go of Manikin’s ankle, and wagging its tail, trotted up to Paddy. She patted it on the head.

  “We must make plans to escape,” said Obegone. “There must be a spaceship we can borrow around here.”

  “Borrow, you mean steal?” said Paddy, thinking her laser switchblade could come in handy.

  The dog peed on the floor next to Manikin. The troop carrier neared a grass covered mountain. The pilot maneuvered the vehicle around the side of the mountain. As the carrier banked into a turn, the urine ran along the floor. Obegone, Manikin, Paddy and various soldiers danced around to dodge the fast moving yellow stream. Paddy stumbled too close to the open sides of the troop carrier, and with a cry, fell out.

  Why do they put no walls on a flying vehicle? Paddy thought as she dropped through the air. She didn’t have long to wait, as the ground was close, and covered with soft, newly grown grass. She landed in a roll.

  “Paddymay, come baaaack!” yelled Manikin.

  Paddy caught a glimpse of Manikin’s face as she fell. I’m better off here, thought Paddy as she rolled down the hillside. She made no effort to check her increasing speed. Paddy rolled into a flower strewn meadow. She rolled through jasmine, perfuming her clothes and hair. Her speed slowed and she rolled to the feet of a mysterious figure standing in the meadow.

  Paddy looked up. A beautiful man stood above her, his skin glistening like diamonds in the sunlight.

  “May I help you,” he said bending down and offering his hand.

  “Edward,” said Paddy in a whisper. It was the mysterious man who had rescued her from being hit by the Trade Federation tank.

  Paddy looked up into deep brown eyes. He smiled at her, and showed a row of perfect white teeth. She took his hand, and was surprised at how cold and pale it was.

  He looks like a healthy specimen, I wonder why his circulation is so impaired, thought Paddy. Well, who cares? When someone looks that good, I don’t care about spray tans and aerobic level heartbeats.

  He pulled her to her feet, with strength and ease.

  “Queen Alldolla, it’s good to see you again.” he said.

  Paddy stared at his dark brown hair touched by the sun, then looked down to his chiseled jaw, down to his muscled chest, visible through the open button at the top of his shirt, down to his dragon crest belt buckle and downward to…

  “I see you escaped the Trade Federation,” said Edward. “You are well, Queen Alldolla?”

  “Oh,” Paddy was startled out of her examination of his physique. “Yes, I am well, and call me Paddy. All my friends call me Paddy.”

  “Then I shall call you Paddy, as I hope we will become friends.” He offered his arm to her.

  She smiled and took it. They strolled through the meadow towards a fallen log. His skin continued to shine in the sunlight, and cast off rainbows.

  “I’d offer you some food, but I brought none.” Edward said, he shoved a bottle of red liquid quickly under the log.

  “Is that wine?” asked Paddy.

  “No, no, just some…substance to sustain me in my hikes. You wouldn’t like it.” He laid a handkerchief on the log. “Would you like to sit down?”

  “Thank you, how thoughtful.” Paddy sat on top of the handkerchief, which protected her clothing from the dirty bark of the fallen log. Of course, she was already covered in debris from rolling down the mountain.

  Edward sat down beside her. Paddy ran her fingers through her mountain tousled hair, and pulled out a twig.

  “If you don’t mind me asking,” said Edward leaning closer.

  “You can ask me anything,” said Paddy also leaning in towards Edward.

  Edward breathed in deeply. “You smell wonderful. Is it jasmine perfume?”

  “Something like that.” Paddy pulled a jasmine flower out of her cleavage. It had been put there by her roll through the flowers. Edward was mesmerized by the action, and stared at her throat. “Was that the question you wanted to ask?”

  “You don’t seem shocked by my glowing skin,” said Edward. “Why is that? Did you hit your head rolling through the meadow?”

  “I’m on an alien world, and have escaped from giant insects, mutant rhinos and a lovesick Jetti. Glowing skin is quite normal in comparison.”

  “Oh, so that’s why you were rolling through the meadow.”

  “Yeah, it was better than staying where I was at.”

  Meanwhile on the troop carrier, Manikin moved towards the open side to jump out after Paddy.

  “Don’t try and stop me,” said Manikin looking at Obegone.

  “I won’t,” said Obegone.

  “I mean, I may die trying to save Paddy.”

  “You might,” said Obegone.

  “You know, jumping out of a moving troop carrier, bravely, like this, could smash me to smithereens.”

  Obegone yawned and looked at the Chihuahua.

  “Well, maybe we could turn the troop carrier around instead,” said Manikin.

  Obegone was snoring, and the dog jumped into his lap.

  “Gee, I hope Paddy isn’t in danger,” said Manikin, gazing at the landscape below.

  “So you drink blood to live?” asked Paddy, looking up into Edward’s now golden eyes. He had just finished drinking the red fluid in the jar, after offering her some politely.

  “Not human blood, I’m a vegetarian,” he smiled. “I only drink animal blood.”

  “So not vegan,” said Paddy, thinking of the $200 bill she paid at a raw vegan restaurant for soaked nuts. They had soaked her, for money.

  “No, not vegan. I eat at the high school cafeteria sometimes. I pretend to be 17 years old, and attend high school.”

  “How old are you really?” said Paddy moving closer to Edward.

  “303 years old.”

  “Hmmm, an older man,” mused Paddy. She could date an older man-vampire. Why she had dated worse. She could have dated Manikin. “I guess being a vampire prevents having high school teenage angst?”

  Edward looked sadly at her, “No.”

  “Don’t you at least practically fly through gym class with ease with your perfectly toned vampire body?”

  “Nope.” He was thinking of the wedgie given him by a werewolf in gym class.

  “Or use your cleverness to Ace tests,”

  “Umm, no.” Ed thought about how he was confused by college entrance exam questions like bat is to baseball like golf club is to golf ball. A bat to him was a relative.

  “Or charm the girls at High School dances. I’ll bet you danced every dance.”

  “Not exactly.” Ed thought about how he mistakenly went to the prom hungry. He spent the evening staring at the neck veins on various girls, who thought he was staring at their cleavage. He didn’t get any dances except one with “fast” Freda.

  “Stop! Get away from that frail woman!” yelled a man running into the meadow. He aimed a crossbow loaded with a wooden stake at Edward. Behind him, two other men trotted up, gasping for breath.

  “Who are you calling frail?” demanded Paddy, standing up. “Why I just escaped a mutant rhino and rolled down a mountainside.”

  “Stand to one side, innocent lady, and we will dispatch this,” the armed man moved closer, narrowing his eyes and glaring with hatred at Edward, “this monster.”

  “Yeah, you go, Van Helsing!” cried the henc
hman standing behind the crossbow armed man.

  “You the man!” yelled the other henchman.

  “I will not move,” said Paddy, standing directly in front of Edward. “You will not harm this man.” At least not until I get him in bed, thought Paddy. “And who are you calling innocent?” Paddy added. “I’ve been around the block.” And around the galaxy, in a star cruiser filled with men.

  “Sorry, madam, you are neither frail nor innocent,” said Van Helsing. “But you are in grave danger. That is a vampire. He lives on the blood of the living.”

  “Or not living so much longer, after he drinks their blood,” said the henchman.

  “Yeah!” said the second henchman.

  “Paddy, don’t endanger yourself. I will face these men,” said Edward, stepping out from behind her.

  “I will so endanger myself,” said Paddy stepping back in front of Edward. She turned to Van Helsing. “You can’t kill him. He’s a vegetarian.”

  The men looked confused. They looked back and forth between each other. Van Helsing lowered his crossbow.

  “Well, we’re still going to kill him anyway,” cried Van Helsing after a moment. “We’re not vegetarians. We eat meat.”

  “Yeah,” said one of the henchmen nodding his head. “And I hate Brussels sprouts, and that’s a vegetable.”

  “Yeah,” said the second henchman. Then he turned to his friend. “But I like potatoes and that’s a vegetable.”

  “Oh, maybe vegetarians are okay,” said the first henchman.

  “He’s not a vegetarian,” said Van Helsing turning to look at his henchman. “He’s a vampire!”

  That was all distraction Paddy needed. When Van Helsing glanced towards his henchmen, she pulled out her laser switchblade, and cut Van Helsing’s crossbow in half.

  “What are you doing! Now I can’t kill him. He’ll destroy us all,” cried Van Helsing. They all looked at Edward, who just stood there.

  Van Helsing stared for a moment. “Fine, you fiend, take my life but let the girl and my friends go!”

  “I’m a woman, not a girl,” said Paddy. “I’m old enough to cut your crossbow in half.” And bed a vampire, she thought.

  “Fine. Vampire, let the woman and my friends go, and you can drink my blood.”

  “Um, that’s very thoughtful of you, sir,” said Edward. “But I really don’t bite humans…”

  “Not good enough for you?” said Van Helsing. “Then bite my neck and turn me into a vampire. A deadly combination, a vampire hunter turned vampire. I will wreak havoc across the continent.” Van Helsing pulled his collar down, and bent his head to the side to expose his neck more.

  “I hate to be impolite and refuse offered food, but I don’t drink human blood.”

  “My blood isn’t good enough for you, eh,” spat out Van Helsing. “You sound just like my ex-fiancé’s parents.”

  “You do seem to be a bit too eager,” said Edward backing away.

  “What, do you think I did--poisoned my blood, to poison you,” said Van Helsing stomping forward, while waving his arms about.

  “Wait,” said Paddy, stopping Van Helsing with her hand. “He just ate.”

  “Oh,” Van Helsing calmed down and stopped advancing on Edward. “That explains it then. We need to wait until he’s hungry.”

  The five of them settled down on the log to wait for Edward to get hungry.

  “So, you hunt vampires for a living?” asked Paddy to pass the time.

  “Yes,” said Van Helsing, who was sitting next to Paddy. “We hunt vampires, or the undead as they are called. We call our vampire hunting group, the un-undead.”

  “In other words, you call yourselves, the living?” said Paddy.

  Van Helsing leaned back, and stroked his stubbled chin. “You could put it that way.” He looked at his damaged crossbow, sighed and dropped the remaining half to the ground. “So why are you here? Couldn’t you escape the vampire?” He said to Paddy.

  Paddy leaned closer to Van Helsing. “Actually I was hoping he’d ask me to dinner,” whispered Paddy. Edwards’s ears perked up. He had super sensitive hearing.

  “Date a vampire! Do you have a death wish?”

  “No,” said Paddy. “It’s exciting, and he really seems nice.”

  “Nice! He drinks blood.”

  “Once you get past that drinking human blood thing, he’s nice. Nobody’s perfect.”

  “Of course,” said Van Helsing.

  “He does seem nice,” said one of the henchmen.

  “Oh, shut up!” said Van Helsing.

  “You could learn to be nice,” sniffed the henchman. “Maybe the vampire could teach you.”

  “Yeah,” said the second henchman.

  Van Helsing, glared at them, then turned back to Paddy. “Don’t you think a vampire would be cold to the touch?”

  “We could go into a hot tub.”

  “Clever,” snickered the henchman. “I like hot tubs too.”

  “Why would anyone want to date a vampire?” Van Helsing shook his head.

  “Why does anyone want to date a bad boy?” said Paddy. “They do it to scare their parents.”

  Van Helsing grunted in disagreement and crossed his arms across his chest.

  “Oh come on, haven’t some of you men wanted to date a female vampire?” said Paddy. ”Have her take you to her castle, seduce you, and bite your neck?”

  She had all the men’s attention now.

  “You mean, there are female vampires, and they would do that?” a henchman asked. He was breathing heavily.

  Edward shrugged. “Maybe if you ask nicely.”

  “You wouldn’t happen to know where any of these female vampires would be?” asked Van Helsing. “Just for research purposes, of course. A vampire hunter needs to know these things.”

  “I saw some at the tavern this afternoon,” said Edward nodding in the direction of the nearest town.

  The two henchmen looked at each other, then simultaneously bolted down the pathway towards the tavern, each trying to outrun the other.

  “Wait up!” cried Van Helsing. Having more dignity, he took a second to brush off his hat, place it on his head, then run after them at full speed.

  “Well, now we’re alone,” said Paddy inching closer to Edward.

  “Yes, my lady, are you hungry?” said Edward. “My servants can prepare a sumptuous meal. My castle is not far from here, only 10 miles.”

  “Ten miles! That will take a while to walk there.” Drat, I’ll be too tired to do all the positions in Kama Sutra. Maybe there’s a vampire Kama Sutra we can do, thought Paddy, cheering up.

  “A lady like you should not tire yourself, especially after the tumble you took.” Edward stood up and offered his hand. Paddy, smiling up at him, put her hand in his. Their eyes met, and a current of electricity passed between them. Edward pulled her to her feet, and Paddy deliberately stumbled into his arms.

  “Oh,” said Paddy. Her face was so close to his, their lips were almost touching.

  “Let me carry you,” said Edward. He swooped her up into his arms, then ran at hyper-speed out of the meadow and through the woods. Birds were startled as they passed, but did not have time to take flight before Edward and Paddy were already out of sight. The flowers and trees whooshed by in a blur of color.

  They arrived at the castle in no time at all. Edward carried Paddy through the huge double front doors, down the deeply carpeted hallway, and into a high ceiling dining room. He gently placed Paddy in an elegant carved wooden chair set at the head of a matching enormous banquet table. His servants placed platter after platter, groaning with food, before Paddy.

  Paddy ate while Edward watched her. Paddy tried to get Edward to drink wine, in the hopes of getting him drunk, but he was a tea totaller, or a blood totaller.

  “You eat with such delicate little bites,” sighed Edward leaning forward on his elbows, his chin in his hands. “You have such grace.”

  Paddy smiled. It was a sure thing. She’d have him.r />
  They had a passionate night of vampire lovemaking, in his heart shaped hot tub and his heart shaped bed and heart shaped coffin. In the morning, Edward kissed her on the forehead, to wake her.

  “Good morning, darling,” said Edward.

  “Good morning my vegetarian vampire love,” said Paddy sitting up, and smiling widely at Edward. She was dressed in a diaphanous gown he had lying around. “What shall we do today?” She stretched out her arms towards him to invite him back to bed.

  There was a loud knock at the door.

  “I’m busy, go away,” said Edward towards the door. He leaned towards Paddy to kiss her.

  “Sir, it’s the Vulcanturi, they have traced you to this planet,” cried the servant through the wooden door. “They’ve landed at the spaceport, and are on their way here!”

  Edward bolted to his feet. “Quick, Paddy, you must dress and leave before the Vulcanturi get here.” He grabbed her clothing from the previous day, and handed it to her.

  “Why, Edward? What is it?” Paddy pulled off the diaphanous gown and put on her more sensible white jumpsuit.

  “The Vulcanturi are coming. They’ve been hunting me throughout the galaxy.”

  “Why?”

  “A long time ago, a Vulcanturi named Spocko turned me.”

  “Turned you…into a vampire?”

  “Yes, to add me to the Vulcanturi contingent. My powers would be very useful to them. Spocko takes it as an affront to him to lose his ‘specimens’ as he calls them—those that he has turned. They have come to punish me, as an example to others.” Edward was dumping a dresser drawer into a bag.

  “I’ll come with you,” said Paddy.

  “No! They may harm you if you stay with me. They could try to use you to control me, by holding you prisoner.”

  “I’ll use my charms on them,” said Paddy running her fingers down Edward’s chest. He drew in a deep breath.

  “No, Paddy, even though your charms work very well on me, they won’t work on the Vulcanturi. The Vulcanturi were founded by Vullcan Vampires. They think it is illogical for vampires to date beautiful human females. They don’t just don’t get it.” He turned to Paddy, and held both her hands. “I couldn’t forgive myself if something happened to you. When it’s safe, I will find you.”