Twilight of the Star Vampires (Set of Books 1-3):A Parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek

by Paula Sunsong

  “Horrifying, isn’t it,” chuckled Darkin.

  “No, not really,” said Lela.

  “Take her back to her cell, she’s clearly gone mad with grief,” said Darkin. “Proceed with more firing on the cities.”

  “No don’t fire anymore. What will happen to the amusement parks, movie theaters, and shopping malls?” cried Lela. Dark Cater grabbed her arm. “Help!” Lela twisted her emergency onyx ring given to her by her mother. Behind his mask, Dark Cater’s eyes focused on the ring.

  “What is that ring on your finger?” said Cater.

  “It’s my mother’s ring. She said my father gave it to her,” said Lela.

  “It looks familiar,” said Dark Cater. “Paddy wore a ring like that, but I didn’t give it to her.”

  “It must be a popular style,” said Lela, a suspicion forming in her mind. She continued to rub the ring and call in her mind for help.

  Chapter 28 Full Moon

  Edward froze. He was in Spocko’s sanctuary, practicing his telepathy exercises, when a burst of light, like the reflection of light off an onyx ring, flashed in his brain.

  “Why have you stopped your exercises?” said Spocko.

  Edward twisted his own onyx ring, a match to the one he gave to Paddy. “The ring calls to me,” said Edward. “It’s an emergency signal.”

  “The Vulcanturi care not for these things,” said Spocko. “Continue with your lessons.”

  “I must save my daughter,” said Edward. With his telepathy, he had felt the birth of his daughter and son, but until now had kept it secret from the Vulcanturi, for his children’s safety. But now his daughter needed help, and Edward needed Spocko to let him go to her.

  “Interesting. You have a daughter?” said Spocko.

  “Yes, she is half vampire.”

  “Does she share your abilities?”

  “She is exceptional. We don’t know the full extent of her abilities yet.” Edward knew Spocko liked exceptional beings. Maybe Spocko would let him go to save Lela.

  “Perhaps she would be of use to the Vulcanturi, and be worthy of saving.” Spocko stood considering the problem. “However, if we lose you in seeking her, we would have a net loss.”

  “You could come with me, to insure I don’t escape the Vulcanturi.”

  Spocko said nothing, but looked at Edward with his piercing gaze.

  “Please, Spocko, help me save my daughter, Lela.”

  “Lela, her name is Lela?” said Spocko.

  “Yes.”

  Spocko touched a communications pin on his shirt. “Steward, prepare a fast ship for takeoff.”

  “Thank you, Spocko,” said Edward. He stood. “Let’s go.”

  “You are not going anywhere,” said Spocko. He grabbed Edward’s onyx ring. “I will follow the emergency signal and find…Lela.” Spocko lingered over the sound of her name.

  “I need to come with you…”

  “I do not trust you,” said Spocko. “It would be too tempting for you to take this opportunity to escape with your daughter. You do not yet value the Vulcanturi. Over time, you will learn we are the most compelling force in the galaxy. Eventually, you will get used to your fate. You will join us and stay. To let you leave now would not be logical.”

  “But…”

  “The decision is made,” said Spocko. He walked out the door. At lightning fast vampire speed, Edward tried run out the door and knock Spocko into the wall. Easily anticipating Edward’s attack, with one hand Spocko shoved Edward back into the room. Edward tumbled over a chair. Spocko closed and locked the door. He called security. Two Vulcanturi guards came.

  “Guard this door. Do not let Edward Cullet escape. Use non-lethal force to keep him here.”

  The Vulcanturi guards put fist to chest in an affirmative, and stood on either side of the door.

  On the Amazon Falcon, Obegone was watching Luck practice with his laser sword. When the Dearth Star fired on Aldaran, Obegone clutched his chest, and sat heavily down on a chair.

  “Luck’s crazy sword practice getting to you? It frightens all of us,” said Chewy who, in human form, sat near the computer.

  “I felt a great disturbance in the farce,” said Obegone. “As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror of the hectic urban life, then were suddenly silenced as they all went on a picnic. I feel something strange has happened.”

  “That’s the way I’ve felt ever since meeting you all,” said Chewy.

  Coming from the cockpit, Brun walked into the lounge room. She saw Obegone’s distress.

  “Are you alright?” she asked Obegone.

  “I’m fine,” Obegone patted Brun on the arm. He turned to Luck. “Go ahead with your practice.”

  Chewy and Aretoo began looking through the movie collection on the computer. Aretoo made a series of noises.

  “Aretoo suggests watching Apollo 13,” said Seetoo translating for Aretoo.

  Chewy growled, and pointed towards the movie Pride and Prejudice.

  “Let Chewy decide the movie. It’s not wise to upset Chewurbacka,” said Brun sitting down next to Obegone.

  “But ma’am,” said Seetoo. “Nobody worries about upsetting a droid.”

  “That’s because a droid doesn’t turn into a werewolf at the sight of a full moon and rip you arms off. Even a full moon in a movie can set Chewy off.”

  “I see your point, Ma’am. I suggest a new strategy, Aretoo. Let the werewolf decide.”

  Obegone observed Luck’s laser sword practice with the floating target droid. “Remember a Jetti can feel the farce flowing through him.”

  “You mean it controls my power, and my future?” said Luck.

  “It can, and you can control the farce with practice.”

  The floating target droid dropped to the ground and shot a short blast at Luck’s tush. It burned away the seat of his pants,

  Chewy laughed. “Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.”

  “You don’t believe in the farce, do you?” said Luck shutting off his laser sword to the relief of everyone in the room.

  “I’ve flown from one side of this galaxy to the other side, and seen a lot of strange things,” said Chewy. “I’ve never seen anything to prove there is one powerful force controlling everything. There’s no mystical force controlling my destiny.”

  Luck bent over to pick up the target droid. His naked rear end mooned Chewy.

  “Full moon…Arrrghhh!” yelled Chewy. His chest began to swell. His shirt ripped apart and werewolf fur sprouted on his chest.

  “Oh, here we go again!” said Brun standing up to get the calm werewolf pheromone spray.

  Several minutes and several pheromone sprays in the face later, Chewy had returned to human form. He and Brun went back to the cockpit of the spaceship.

  “We’re coming up to Aldaran. Chewy, cut the sublight engines,” said Brun. An alarm bell began to ring.

  “There’s another ship coming in,” said Chewy.

  “It’s an Imperial fighter,” said Obegone who was drawn into the cockpit by the alarm.

  “It followed us,” said Chewy.

  “No, it’s a short range fighter,” said Brun, looking at the sensor readings.

  “Where did it come from? There aren’t any Imperial bases around here,” said Chewy. “Look at it go! If it identifies us and tells an Imperial warship, we are in big trouble.”

  “Not if I can help it,” said Brun chasing the Imperial fighter with the Amazon Falcon. “Chewy, jam its transmissions.”

  “A fighter that size couldn’t have gotten this deep into space on its own,” said Obegone.

  “He’s heading for that moon,” said Brun. “I’ll cut him off.”

  “A moon?” said Chewy, his chest beginning to swell again. Brun sighed and reached for the calm werewolf spray.

  “That’s no moon!” said Obegone. “It’s a …”

  “Space station,” gasped Brun. “It can’t be, it’s too big to be a space statio
n.”

  Chewy looked from person to person, unsure whether to continue transforming into a werewolf.

  Brun looked at Chewy. “Sensors indicate it is a space station, not a moon. You can go back to being human.”

  Chewy’s chest deflated back to normal human size.

  “I’m getting us out of here,” said Brun. She began circling the Amazon Falcon to go back in the direction they came from. The Falcon shuddered as a tractor beam hit it. It stopped, and began going backwards towards the space station. “I’m at full power, but it’s not working. Use the auxiliary power.”

  “Turning on the auxiliary power,” yelled Chewy. “Now!” The Falcon slowed its backwards direction, but did not move forward.

  “It’s no good, we’re still being pulled in,” said Brun frantically flipping switches. “Damn them! Chewy, get the blasters. They’ll be boarding the Falcon soon.”

  Aretoo whistled.

  “Aretoo is right,” said Obegone. “There might be a more subtle way of dealing with Imperial guards.”

  Chapter 29 Burger Time

  The Dearth Star’s tractor beams pulled the Amazon Falcon ship into the docking bay. The airlock closed with a prison door clang. Dark Cater and Imperial guards approached the ship.

  “Guards, search the ship,” said Dark Cater. “I sense something. A presence I have not felt since getting a 1980s lesbian haircut.” The guards looked at Cater strangely. Cater wandered off to a more private corridor of the ship.

  An Imperial technician forced the ship’s door open. The guards trooped up the gangplank, into the Amazon Falcon. Meanwhile, on the underside of the ship, a storage hatch opened, and lowered cargo and two droids to the deck.

  Seetoo and Aretoo began pulling two large crates on wheels towards the landing bay exit.

  “Stop!” said a guard blocking their way. “What have you got there?” The guard looked at the two droids, who had paper hats printed with arched “M” shapes.

  “Oh,” said Seetoo. “We are delivering for McDowngoes.”

  Another guard joined them. “McDowngoes, the fast food burgers? I love their happy meal.”

  “The ones with the prizes?” said the first guard.

  “Yeah, I got a Dizzy action figure with my happy meal, from that movie.”

  “I got the entire collection, and sold it on Epay.”

  “Let’s see what you have,” said one of the guards, poking the crate.

  “Oh, sir, I don’t know if McDowngoes would want their crates opened,” said Seetoo.

  “This is a security matter,” laughed the guard pushing the crate open. “Jackpot!”

  “We hit the motherload,” said another guard.

  Inside the crate were hundreds of burgers wrapped in paper. The smell of meat, cheese, onions and pickles filled the air.

  The second guard whistled. He had opened the second crate. “Look at this crate, it has fries!”

  “We’ll have to confiscate some of these,” said the first guard.

  “Yeah, we need to test them for food poisoning.” The guards grabbed burgers and fries until their hands were overflowing. “That’ll do. Take the rest to the cafeteria.”

  “Yes, sir,” said Seetoo. The droids rolled past the guards and into the corridor. They found an empty storage room and pulled the crates inside, closing the metal door.

  “You can come out now,” said Seetoo opening the crates. He shoved the burgers and fries aside to reveal a false bottom. Brun, Obegone, Chewy and Luck climbed out of the crates.

  “I knew all that worm meat would come in handy,” said Brun.

  “Mmmm, handy,” said Luck grabbing a burger and taking a big bite. “Bury me in worm burgers any day.”

  “I’ll share a crate with you any day,” said Obegone to Brun. Brun tried to cover her blush by pulling out her laser gun.

  “I’ll watch for guards,” said Brun. “Chewy, check the space station’s computers for a way to turn off the tractor beam.”

  Chewy pulled out his minicomputer and hooked it into the storage room’s computer system. After hacking past a list of the storage room’s inventory, he located ship’s operations and technical data.

  “The controller for the tractor beam is several levels down from here. We have to go there to turn it off.”

  “I’ll go to the tractor beam to turn it off,” said Obegone. “I’ll use Jetti mind tricks to get past the guards.” That should impress Brun, he thought, looking in her direction. Then he turned to Luck. “Now for your job, Luck.”

  “Huh?” said Luck, his mouth stuffed with fries.

  “You stay here, hidden from the guards,” said Obegone. Luck nodded and grabbed another worm burger.

  “Chewy has technical knowledge, and could turn off the tractor beam instead of you,” said Brun.

  “Chewy is more noticeable than I,” said Obegone looking at Chewy’s tall and very muscular form. “Even as a human, he stands out. I can pass as a visiting dignitary or scientist.”

  Brun reluctantly nodded. “Travel safely, Obegone. Come back to me in one piece.”

  Obegone kissed her hand. “I will return.” He slipped out the door.

  Chewy continued to search the Dearth Star’s database. “Hmm, Dark Cater already has a prisoner. A Princess Lela.” Lela’s picture flashed on the computer screen. Chewy’s amber eyes popped wide open. “She’s beautiful!”

  Luck moved closer to the screen. “e’s uh un.”

  “What?” said Brun. “Luck, take the burger out of your mouth.”

  “She’s the one, who put the message in Aretoo’s head,” said Luck after clearing his mouth in one big swallow.

  Brun looked at the computer screen. “It does look like Princess Lela. She’s a leader in the rebellion. Her loss will be a great blow to the rebels.”

  “We must save her,” said Chewy staring at the computer 3D image of Lela.

  Brun looked at Chewy and his fascination with Lela. “I think I kept you in space too long. I should have given you more shore leave.”

  Chewy looked back at Brun with his big puppy eyes. “We can’t leave her here at the mercy of the Empire.”

  “Oh, you know I can’t deny you when you look like that,” said Brun. “All right, we’ll get her out, but we need a plan. Luck, stop eating and put all the food in one crate. Chewy pretend you see a full moon and transform into a dog, after you find a leash in this storage room. Seetoo and Aretoo, give me your paper McDowngoes hats. Luck, you will rendezvous with us at the Amazon Falcon after Obegone has turned off the tractor beam.”

  Brun Solow, now transformed into a lunch lady, led her dog Chewy, who pulled the burger crate. Chewy looked like a huge, mean Rottweiler with a McDowngoes hat on him.

  They stepped out of the elevator onto the prison floor.

  “Lunchtime!” chimed Brun to the prison guards. They moved the crate towards the guard’s station.

  “Don’t we eat at the cafeteria?” said one guard.

  “Special delivery from McDowngoes for our guards of the week!” said Brun a strained smile on her face. “Look.” She opened the crate filled with burgers and fries.

  Careful to avoid the large dog, the guards leaned in to look at the crate. Brun shoved one of the guards into the crate and slammed it shut. Chewy reared up onto his hind legs and lunged for the other guard’s neck.

  The elevator doors opened and a third guard stepped out. “Time for guard shift changeover,” he said, then his face flashed with astonishment at the scene in front of him.

  Brun was sitting on the crate with the guard locked inside. Seeing the third guard, she thought fast and grabbed for Chewy’s leash.

  “Down boy!” Brun pulled chewy off the second guard. “Sorry about that. My dog gets out of control sometimes.”

  “Help! Let me out!” yelled the guard trapped in the crate.

  “Intruder alert,” said the third guard into his communicator.

  “Never mind being subtle, knock him out, Chewy!” Brun let go of Chewy’s lea
sh, and began grappling with a guard who was pulling out a laser gun. Chewy transformed in an instant into his full werewolf size. He easily knocked a guard to the floor. The guard slumped into unconsciousness.

  “Hey, that’s my gun,” said the guard fighting with Brun. “Bad lunchlady.”

  Brun, her paper hat knocked sideways, grabbed the laser gun and pointed it at the guard. “Put the unconscious guard on top of the crate, and wheel them into an unoccupied cell,” Brun gestured with the gun. Glaring at Brun, the guard complied. Brun locked the guards in the prison cell.

  “Can’t we at least have video games for entertainment?” demanded the guard from inside the prison cell.

  “Open the crate, then at least we can have lunch,” said the guard inside the crate.

  “Come on, Chewy, the computer said this is Princess Lela’s cell,” said Brun stopping in front of a cell door. “No time to look in the computer for the door’s unlocking code.” Brun raised her voice. “Whoever’s inside, stand away from the door.”

  Inside the cell, Princess Lela heard a voice warning her to stay away from the door. She backed away to the far wall.

  Brun shot the door lock. Sparks flew, but the door didn’t move. “It’s jammed!”

  With a roar, Chewy leapt forward. He stood up to his full height, his iron like werewolf muscles bubbling down his back and arms. Chewy ripped the door off and threw it to the side. He stepped into the cell. Princess Lela was confronted with a drooling werewolf towering over her. She suppressed a scream, because it wasn’t ladylike, but grabbed the lunch tray and flung it at his face.

  Chewy punched the metal tray to the side before it reached his face. He moved forward to grab Lela’s arm to pull her from the cell.

  “Don’t touch me!” yelled Lela.

  Brun, still wearing a paper hat, stepped into the cell.

  “It’s okay, he’s a friend,” said Brun. “I’m Brun Solow, this is Chewy, my werewolf co-pilot. We’re here to rescue you.”

  “McDowngoes sent a pilot and a werewolf to rescue me?” said Lela looking at Brun’s hat.

  “There’s no time to explain, more guards are coming,” said Brun leading the way out of the cell.