Twilight of the Star Vampires (Set of Books 1-3):A Parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek

by Paula Sunsong

  “What…where am I?” said Brun blinking and looking around her.

  “In my arms, my love,” said Obegone.

  “YOUR love? I thought I was your love!” said a booming voice. Obegone looked up to see Jabya towering above them.

  “You are lovely,” said Obegone. “I just need to set Brun and Chewy free. Let them go, Jabya. It’s me you want.”

  “Why should I let any of you go?”

  Obegone looked around at the dice and cards for gambling. Jabya had a weakness for games of chance. “Remember how we met? It was at singles roulette. Fate decided for us then. Let fate decide now.”

  “How?”

  “We’ll roll the dice. Even, I stay and you let Brun and Chewy go. Odd, we all go.”

  “Why should I do that--I have all of you now?”

  “I’ll stay willingly. I won’t try to escape.”

  Jabya stared down at Obegone. “Get the dice.”

  Obegone thought of what Quitegone had taught him. The farce can move objects. Dice are objects. Concentrating on the dice, he slowly picked them up.

  “Throw them,” said Jabya.

  Holding his breath, and never letting his eyes leave the dice, Obegone tossed the dice. They arched through the air, landed, and tumbled end over end.

  Concentrate.

  The dice came to a stop.

  Chapter 41 Poprocks and Soda

  Luck paced around the ship, which grated on Lela’s nerves.

  “We need peace and quiet for Spocko to recover.”

  “But Lela, we’re missing out on all the fun,” said Luck. “I want to see Jabya, the gambling, the dancing girls,” Luck practically salivated at that thought, “and the slab with Chewy and Brun…”

  Lela scowled at him at the mention of poor Chewy and Brun. “I wish Obegone had waited. Spocko will recover soon with his powerful Vullcan-Vampire metabolism. I could have gone with him to help save Chewy and Brun.”

  “I’ll go help him!”

  Lela debated on the merits of peace and quiet with Luck gone, or having to clean up whatever mess he makes at Jabya’s place. “Luck, no. Wait.”

  “You can’t stop me, Lela. I’m a hero, strong with the farce. I’ll help Obegone, and the dancing girls!” Luck grabbed some junk food to fortify him, and then he happily skipped out.

  Luck announced himself at the door of Jabya’s palace. After a few minutes, Jabya’s servant led Luck to the main room. Luck stopped dead in his tracks. Before him was one of the most horrifying sights he had ever seen. Jabya the Hut lounged on her platform, surrounded by alien guards holding Brun and Chewy at gunpoint. In Jabya’s hand was a chain, leading to a collar around Obegone’s neck. He was dressed in nothing but bikini bottoms.

  Luck shuddered at the sight of Obegone’s pale hairy body. Jabya was looking pretty good though. She was wearing mascara and shiny pink nail polish. He could see how Obegone had been attracted to her. Now why we she attracted to Obegone?

  “Another Visitor?” said Jabya looking down at Luck.

  “Yes Jabya, I am Luck, a powerful Jetti. I have come to rescue my friends.”

  “Luck, don’t,” said Obegone groaning.

  “Oh, a powerful Jetti, how exciting,” said Jabya sarcastically.

  “This is your last chance, Jabya. Let my friends go,” said Luck sweeping his hand to indicate Brun, Chewy and Obegone. Luck’s hand accidentally poked Obegone’s hairy stomach. Luck quickly retracted his hand.

  “I would love to see a powerful Jetti in action,” said Jabya, smiling widely with her huge froggish mouth. She pulled a lever. A trap door opened beneath Luck’s feet and pitched him into a cave below.

  Luck screamed as he fell, then he landed on a rubbery thing.

  “A cushioned fall--thank you Jabya,” said Luck.

  “I didn’t leave a cushion there,” said Jabya. Puzzled, Jabya and Obegone bent over the hole of the open trap door.

  “Luck, it’s a Rankor. Look out!” shouted Obegone. “Beneath you.”

  “Huh?” Luck looked down. He was sitting on the back of some massive creature. Its skin was rubbery and scaly. It turned to look at Luck, and its head was as tall as Luck.

  “Ahhhhhh!” screamed Luck as he slid down the monster’s back. Luck ran for the exit, but it was closed and locked. Luck tugged on the doorknob until the Rankor grabbed for him with a clawed hand. Luck dodged and dove into a small cave in the rock wall. Luck dug through his satchel for a weapon. All he found was junk food—pop-rocks candy and soda pop.

  The Rankor lowered its head next to Luck. It opened its mouth with a roar of hot, fetid air. Luck threw pop-rocks into the mouth of the Rankor, then popped open a soda can, and poured it into the gaping mouth. The Rankor was confused by the popping and crackling of the candy rocks in its mouth. The soda contacted the poprocks, and combined to make the equivalent of a gas bomb. The Rankor swallowed, and then rubbed its stomach, which distended from the gas. It moaned as its stomach grew larger and larger. The Rankor thrashed around in pain. It hit the ceiling under Jabya’s couch, causing earthquake like tremors to shake the floor of the palace. Jabya fell off her couch, and let go of Obegone’s leash.

  The Rankor’s tail smashed the exit door. Luck ran for the now open exit. The Rankor gave one long belch, and toppled over, barely missing falling on top of Luck.

  “Now’s our chance,” yelled Obegone jumping into the cave and following Luck out the exit. Taking advantage of the confusion, Brun and Chewy grabbed guns from the guards.

  “Don’t try to follow us,” warned Brun to Jabya’s guards. She and Chewy jumped down into the cave and headed for the exit.

  Chapter 42 Return of the Dearth Star

  A long time ago in a universe far, far away, the vile galactic Empire worked secretly on a sinister construction. This ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the Rebels fighting to restore freedom to the galaxy, and will most inconvenience our heroes…

  Dark Cater’s spacecraft skidded to a halt on the tarmac of the Imperial Starcruiser. Cater strode majestically down the ramp, his cape flowing out perfectly behind him with the assistance of fans blowing in his direction, placed there at Cater’s orders.

  The commander approached Dark Cater, clicked his heels together and bowed. He then turned to his second in command, and uncovered a metal bowl. It glinted evilly in the battle cruiser’s stark lighting.

  The Commander reached into the bowl, and offered mints to Cater.

  “You may dispense with the pleasantries commander,” said Cater, roughly pushing the bowl to the side, but using the farce to secretly pocket a few of the mints with the green centers, as they were his favorites. “I am here to speed up the schedule for completion.”

  “I assure you, Dark Cater, my men are working as fast as they can,” said the Commander.

  He and Cater stopped before a large picture window that overlooked the construction of a huge metal edifice in space. Even in its half-formed shape, it took on a menacing appearance, its sharp girders looking like the jaws of a wolf, ready to snap shut.

  The top of Cater’s helmet opened up, and binoculars on a metal arm lowered in front of his eyes. Cater focused them with his hands. He saw space teamsters lounging around, drinking coffee. A woman worker walked by, her passing being followed by the turning of male heads.

  “Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them,” said Cater, towering over the Commander.

  “Yes, Lord Cater,” said the Commander, images of medieval dungeons dancing through his head.

  “As the Emperor has ordered, we must increase the pace,” said Cater.

  “The Emperor asks for the impossible! I need more men,” said the Commander.

  More female construction workers might do it, thought Cater, rubbing his chin. They seem to motivate the men or at least work without stopping to hoot. “You can tell the Emperor himself, as he is coming here. He is most displeased with your lack of progress and interior design. The curtains are appalling.”

  “We shall r
edouble our efforts!” said the Commander, again clicking his heels.

  “I hope so for your sake, Commander. The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am,” said Cater. The Emperor had found fault with everything at Cater’s last barbecue, from criticizing the plastic tablecloth, to hating the bought on sale paper plates saying “Kiss me, I’m Irish.” Was that man never pleased? He must not be Irish. Cater should of bought the more expensive plates with the “Kiss me, I’m a despotic ruler” slogan. Then maybe the Emperor would have been happy.

  Cater turned abruptly and stalked out of the room.

  The landing deck of the Imperial spacestation was filled with rank after rank of plastic armor wearing stormtroopers in alternating colors of black and white. They looked like a giant chessboard in the wargames between the Empire and the Rebellion. They were waiting to greet the Emperor.

  The Emperor’s starship slammed into the landing, and slid along the deck with a sickening squeal, causing dozens of stormtroopers to run for their lives. The bay echoed to the sound of plastic covered thighs rubbing together, which was ten times worse than the sound of corduroy pants rubbing.

  The Emperor’s ship finally skidded to a halt.

  “Strike up the band!” cried the commander. An Imperial band dressed in red uniforms with brass buttons stood on a wooden bandstand. The conductor raised his arms, and snapped them downwards to signal the band to launch into a dramatic instrumental of ponderous proportions.

  The ramp of the Emperor’s ship lowered, and 6 hot pink clad guards moved forward to line the way for Emperor Palpitate. Dark Cater kneeled before the ramp, as Emperor Palpitate descended.

  “Rise my friend,” said Palpitate to Cater. Cater stood up. Then Palpitate noticed the line of guards. “Hot pink clothed guards? Whose idea was that? I asked for blood red.” Even though Palpitate was wearing a hood, Cater and half the stormtroopers could see Palpitate rolling his eyes.

  “It was a clerical error,” said Cater. Cater himself had picked out the color. It was from a fashion spread from VQ--Villains Quarterly. It had looked smashing in the photos, but didn’t translate to reality.

  Cater and Palpitate strode to the observation window. The huge space construction was even bigger than when Cater had first arrived. Adding an energy drink to the construction workers rations had done the trick, plus free Starrbucs triple caffeine drinks with every meal.

  “It will be completed on time,” said Cater.

  “I sense you wish to seek out young Luck Stywalker,” said Palpitate to Cater.

  “It is true, Emperor.”

  “You don’t need to go gallivanting around the galaxy. The foolish sheep will come looking for you. Then you must bring him before me. Together, the two of us can turn him to the dark side of the farce.”

  “Yes, my master.”

  “Every thing is proceeding as I have envisioned it,” said Emperor Palpitate, “except for the hot pink guards!” He shook his head. “Blood red, is that too much to ask for?”

  Chapter 43 Yodama’s Goodbye

  After his escape from Jabya the Hot’s domain, Luck returned to the swamp planet to continue his training with Yodama.

  Yodama was gnawing on a frog leg when Luck arrived. Luck looked nauseated.

  “That face you make, look I so old to your eyes?” said Yodama.

  Luck looked at the wrinkly green creature with gray hair not only on his head, but also coming out of his ears.

  “Of course not,” said Luck.

  “I can tell if you’re lying,” said Yodama looking closer at Luck.

  “In that case, heck, yes! You look old.”

  “When you are 14 years old, you hope you look this good,” said Yodama.

  “I’m 22.”

  “And you probably didn’t look this good when you were 14!”

  Luck pondered that. His yearbook picture when he was 14 years old could have had a few less pimples. And at his high school, the yearbook pictures were in 3D, so his pimples really stood out.

  “I’ve come back to finish my training,” said Luck, hoping to change the topic.

  “No more training,” said Yodama.

  “I require no more training. I am a Jetti!” said Luck jumping up and down.

  “No way am I going to try to train you anymore,” said Yodama. “It’s like hitting my head against a wall.”

  “So I am a Jetti!” Luck started doing a touchdown dance, which was very difficult to do in Yodama’s crowded quarters. He had to do it hunched over.

  “Go ahead and think that, if it makes you happy,” said Yodama. “As long as I can finally get some sleep.” Yodama pulled the blanket up to his shoulders. In a moment, he was snoring.

  “I’m a Jetti! I’m a Jetti! Whoo hoo!” Luck danced around and knocked over a pot on the stove. The noise woke Yodama.

  “Silence!”

  Luck continued dancing. “I’m a Jetti! Girls will fall all over me to date me.”

  “You’re not going to quiet down are you?” said Yodama. “Hmm. Well you are not a Jetti until you…confront Cater! That means you have to leave, and I can sleep.”

  “Not Dark Cater?” Luck stopped dancing and his eyes got as big as saucers.

  “Remember, once you start down the dark side, forever it will dominate your destiny. In other words: don’t be such a doofus, like Cater,” said Yodama.

  “Huh?” said Luck.

  “Confront him you will,” said Yodama, who rolled over and fell back asleep.

  Chapter 44 Every Rose Has Its Thorns

  Princess Lela was finishing up medical tests on Spocko. His Vullcan Vampire metabolism had healed him quickly.

  “Spocko, when I gave you my blood to heal you, our minds melded,” said Lela. “I saw a vision of a woman and a name: Leila Calomi. What happened between you and Leila?”

  Spocko glanced into Lela’s eyes, then he gazed into the distance as he remembered what he hoped centuries of vampirism would have erased from his thoughts.

  “When I was in the Confederation, I was sent to Omicron Ceti to help colonists exposed to Burthold radiation. I saw Leila again. We had known each other years earlier.

  “The colonists were in excellent health, even with the Burthold radiation hitting the planet. Leila showed me how. She led me to a group of flowers. They exploded and hit me with spores. The spores infected me, just like they had the colonists. The virus on the spores protects from the damage of Burthold radiation. But it also had other effects. Leila and I enjoyed our time together. We would explore the planet, play, and laugh in the sun.”

  Lela looked surprised. “I thought as a Vullcan…”

  “I would not display emotions? The flower spores change people. Some vampires become very passionate. I have emotions; I am half human. I choose to carefully control my emotions most of the time. But after the spores infected me, I felt a kind of ecstasy. My emotions were unleashed. I was with a woman I loved, who loved me. Every day was filled with joy.”

  “But something happened to change that?” said Lela.

  “HE happened, and IT happened.”

  “He?”

  “The starship captain, Dirk,” said Spocko. Or Captain Jerk as he was frequently referred to by crew members, thought Spocko. “When I became blissful from the spore virus, I resigned the Confederation. The Confederation had accepted my resignation, but Captain Dirk said it was my duty to continue as his science officer. He could not accept anyone quitting under his command.

  “Captain Dirk tricked me into boarding the starship Enterprise. Then he attacked me, saying strong emotions would eliminate the bliss virus.”

  “You already had emotions.”

  “Emotions don’t destroy the bliss virus. Captain Dirk would not listen. I had to defend myself from his attack, and ended up in the brig for ‘attacking’ a superior officer.”

  “Oh, no.”

  “Captain Dirk flew the ship out of orbit, with me locked in a cell on board. Leila Calomi followed us in a spaceship, to try to rescue me. Her
smaller ship could barely keep up.

  “The Enterprise had been sent an emergency signal from another starship. The starship was destroyed by a huge alien ship. We went to look for survivors in escape pods.”

  Spocko thought of the giant, solar system sized alien ship. It was so huge. It contained replicas of planets and spaceships it had encountered in thousands of years of exploration.

  “The alien ship had unheard of power. At the center was a mechanism called Voyar.”

  “Voyar was the “it” in ‘it happened’?”

  “Yes, Voyar was Voyager, a probe sent out from Earth centuries ago. Voyar had landed on a planet of sentient machines. The machines had improved Voyar, given it a mind and a powerful spaceship to continue its mission: to explore, record data, and send the information to its creator on Earth. But Voyar wanted more than to talk to its creator. It wanted to merge with its creator.”

  “Merge with a person?”

  “Yes. Voyar was ready to destroy us all because no one would merge with it. I offered to merge with Voyar, but it rejected me for being a Vullcan vampire. It would only merge with a human. Brave Leila Calomi landed her small ship next to Voyar, merged with Voyar and saved us all.” Spocko could still remember Leila Calomi’s compelling eyes, looking at Spocko, saying goodbye, and then turning to merge with Voyar.

  “What a woman,” said Lela, and wondered if she would measure up in Spocko’s mind to a woman like Leila.

  Chapter 45 Surrender

  “I obtained information from a Vulcanturi spy,” said Spocko to Lela. He had decided to help the rebellion. Spocko told himself it was logical, as the Empire was a threat to the Vulcanturi, but in reality he had decided to do anything to help Lela. “The Empire has built another Dearth Star.”

  “Oh, no! We must destroy it,” said Lela.

  “There is a forcefield around the Dearth Star from the nearby planet Eldor. We must knock out that forcefield to destroy the Dearth Star.”