Ruined

by Hanna, Rachel

  "Oh, Willow," is all Kellan can say. He understands me in a way no one else does. He holds me close while I purge as many of the tears as I can without dying. When I finally get myself together, I continue.

  "Anyway, one night my mother was at work and my father had gone out as he typically did when she wasn't home. I was supposed to keep it a secret that he was leaving when she did. Usually, he'd go drinking and come home before she got there. He said it was our little secret. Thank God he walked and didn't drive his car most of the time," I say, knowing the point is not lost on Kellan. "This particular night, he came home earlier than normal. I was in the kitchen making a midnight snack of cheese and crackers when he came in. There was this look in his eyes like he wasn't there. Like he was someone else. My God, the rage. The almost Satanic look in his eyes. He was like a wild beast unleashed. Not my father. Not my father," I say and start shaking and sobbing again.

  "Willow, you don't have to do this if you aren't ready..." he says softly as he strokes my hair. But, no, I've come this far and I'm not turning back now.

  "No. I have to finish," I say as I gather myself once again, the thickness of tears covering my face. "I was standing in the kitchen. He doesn't say a word, just starts throwing things out of the way as he heads for me. I said 'Dad, are you okay? Why don't you sit down?' but it was like he couldn't hear me. He just stared straight ahead like an animal going after its prey. For the first time, I was really scared that I couldn't handle him alone. I thought of calling the police, but the phone was across the room and there was no way I could get to it..."

  I pause for a few moments, recounting the memories in my mind and knowing that I was about to relive my worst nightmare.

  "He lunges at me suddenly and starts screaming as he chokes me. I felt like I was going to black out, so I did the only thing I could think of at the time. I grabbed the butcher knife in the block beside my hand where I was bracing myself on the counter. He didn't see me do it. He never took his eyes off mine. I kept pushing and kicking and trying to get him to stop. I couldn't even scream. The world was starting to go black. I had no choice. It was either him or me. And I chose me, Kellan..." I sob and lose my breath as the hyperventilation I used to suffer from comes back full force.

  "Breathe, Willow. Come on, breathe..." he says rubbing my back as I lean over and put my head between my legs. For a few minutes, I struggle to breathe which I think is my body's way of reminding me that I was being choked back then.

  I straighten back up and start again. "I stabbed him. Right in the stomach. His eyes registered the pain. He never stopped looking at me. I thought I was only going to hurt him, stop him so I could get away. Call an ambulance. Get him some help at rehab maybe. But then I noticed the life draining out of his eyes. His hands slipped from my neck and he slumped downward bringing me with him. We hit the floor together, him on top of me. He was gone within minutes. I kept calling him over and over, begging him to stay with me. I couldn't get him off of me, Kellan. His blood was covering me, my hands, my shirt. I finally got the strength to slide out. I ran and called the police. My mother got there before they did. She didn't know. She didn't know...." I wail again. "She walked in and saw my father dead on the floor. Blood everywhere. Me, I was still holding the knife. I was in shock, staring and not speaking. She shook me and begged to know what happened. She knelt beside Daddy and begged him to come back. They had to pry her away from him. I'll never forget her screams..." Now I'm staring straight ahead, the emotions sucked out of me. So many tears have come that I'm spent, exhausted and possibly dehydrated.

  "Do they know why he did what he did?" Kellan finally asks.

  "He wasn't drunk on that night. He'd gone to hang out with these guys he normally drank with. Some guy brought some stuff called bath salts. This stuff is bad news, makes people crazy and immensely strong and combative. He just went nuts, Kellan. There was no way I could have overcome him. He had ten times his normal strength, it seemed."

  "So you and your Mom left town?"

  "Not at first. We planned to stay there, but it became impossible. A lot of people, including friends and some family members, blamed me. They said I should have stabbed his arm or his leg or somehow gotten out of there. His students adored him, and his team members were devastated. No one understood. They all hated me, and it became too much after a few months. So, that's when we made a plan. Mom quit her job, I quit school. I changed my name, Mom started going by her maiden name and we took off."

  "You changed your name?"

  "I used to be Kate Lambert." He stares at me a moment and smiles.

  "I like Willow Blake better. You don't look like Kate Lambert to me."

  "I'm not Kate anymore. I had to become Willow. I chose that name because we had this big Willow tree in our front yard. I always marveled at how strong it was, yet it looked so wispy and weak. But the roots were strong. They ran across a lot of our yard. Storms came and went. Rain poured, but still that old Willow stood strong. I was hoping a name change would do the same for me. I kept hoping Willow would save me..." I allow more tears to fall.

  "God, I'm so sorry, Willow." Kellan pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly, and for a moment I feel safe.

  "See why I'm ruined?" I whisper.

  "No, honey, you're not ruined. You did what you had to do, Willow," he says in a soothing tone.

  "No, no.... I killed my Daddy. I'm so sorry, Daddy..." I say softly, sobbing quietly even though the tears won't come anymore. "So sorry..." That's the last thing I remember - Kellan holding me while I whisper to my father - and then darkness. Sweet sleep visits me and takes me away from the pain for a few hours.

  When I wake up, I'm in my bed covered up and warm. Kellan's arm is draped over me and I'm facing the window, the sound of ocean waves and a night time thunderstorm assaulting my senses. I can hear him breathing deeply, and he's obviously asleep. I suppose he carried me across the hall so I could be more comfortable in my bed. I look at the clock on my night stand and it reads 2:43 in the morning.

  I can't believe I told Kellan my story. I can't believe he's here holding me anyway. I can't believe he didn't run. He doesn't need my issues when he's just starting his life over again.

  "You okay?" he whispers. I guess he could feel my mind working again. I slowly roll over and look into his eyes.

  "I'm better because you're here," I say softly. He runs his thumb down my cheek and across my jawline, and then he leans in and softly plants a kiss on my nose and then my lips. The tenderness he shows melts me in a hundred different ways, and I wonder how I can extend this perfect moment forever.

  "Thank you for trusting me," he says as he lightly brushes his tongue over my bottom lip.

  "I think you're the only one I can trust," I say softly as I slide my hand behind his head and pull him closer. Our lips meet once again, and I spend the night getting lost in Kellan Avery's kiss.

  Chapter 17

  The morning sunlight attacks my vision, and I remember just how bright sunny days are on the beach. I reach for Kellan, but he's not there. I sit up and stretch, and for the first time in four years, I have no urge to go out onto my deck to release my emotions for the day. I gave them to Kellan last night, and now they don't seem to weigh as much as they once did. I feel lighter, freer, less weighed down by the past.

  I walk to my bathroom and brush my teeth although my natural inclination is to keep the taste of Kellan on my lips for as long as possible. I smile into the mirror, even though I notice that my eyes are puffy and red. Time for a little makeup, I decide.

  After a few minutes, I've showered, changed clothes and put on some makeup. To the outside world, I look "normal" again. I walk down the hallway and hear the doorbell ring. When I open the door, Reed is standing there smiling. I look at him in confusion.

  "Don't tell me you forgot!" he says with his hands on his hips. Then it dawns on me. We're supposed to leave for Rhode Island today. Crap.

  "I did forget. I haven't even packed..."

>   "Willow! How could you forget? We just talked about this," he says. I walk out onto the stoop and close the door quietly behind me.

  "Some things happened around here last night. For one, I showed Kellan and Bruce the video."

  "And how did that go?"

  "Very good. Things are already improving between them."

  "You okay? You look tired. Have you been crying?" How did he notice that? I thought my makeup job was good.

  "I'm fine. Just an emotional night."

  "Willow, can I ask you something?" he says as he leans on the railing of the front porch.

  "Sure."

  "Is something going on between you and Kellan?"

  I pause and look away, a sure confirmation of what he suspects. "I care about him, Reed."

  "Jeez, Willow, he's your step brother."

  "So? We're not blood related. We just met!"

  "Okay, let's forget the step brother thing. Do you realize what kind of damage he could do to you? He's a freaking felon, Willow. His future is toast, and yours isn't. You have such a bright future. Don't you think you could do better?"

  "Reed, this is really none of your business." I turn to walk inside but he grabs my arm.

  "It is my business. I've kissed those lips too, and I want you in my life. I can give you everything you deserve, Willow. And what can he give you? The life of someone on probation? Dead end jobs? PTSD memories of prison?"

  "That's not fair, Reed. He deserves a second chance."

  "Don't settle, Willow. I can love you like you deserve."

  "Love me?" I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.

  "If you'd just give me a chance, I will lay the world at your feet."

  "Reed, I can't do this right now. I have to get packed. Can you come back in an hour?" I ask without looking at him. He says nothing and walks to his car. I can feel his eyes on me as I shut the door.

  What I don't expect is to see Kellan standing there in the foyer.

  "Good morning," I say walking toward him, ready to kiss those lips again.

  He puts a hand up. "He's right."

  "What? Who's right?"

  "That Reed guy. He's right. You deserve so much better than me. I'm ruined for life, Willow. I'll never be the same as I was before they died."

  "I don't want who you were before, Kellan. I didn't even know that guy. I know you now. And that's who I like." I reach up and touch his cheek softly as my fingers graze his hair. "You'll never know what you did for me last night."

  "Yes, I do know because you did the same for me by recording that video. We've helped each other as two lost souls, Willow. But that's not something to build a relationship on. Go with Reed. Start over. Your soul is clean now. Now's your second chance." He looks defeated, and I want to reach out and hold him close. "We both took lives, but yours was self defense, Willow. It's not the same as what I did."

  "Kellan, please don't do this," I whisper. "I feel things for you..."

  "And him?"

  "It's not the same... I don't know what's going on with Reed and me..." Why am I so confused?

  "Let me make your decision easy, Willow. I'm taking myself out of the running because I can't compete with him. He can offer you anything, and I can offer you nothing. Have a safe trip," he says as he walks out the back door, slamming it behind him.

  ***

  We're an hour into our trip and I haven't spoken to Reed yet. I don't think I could be more uncomfortable if I tried. I feel so conflicted. I thought I was falling for Reed until Kellan showed up. There's no doubt that kissing Reed brought up things in my soul that I never expected, but was it real? Or was I just missing the emotions from my life?

  When I'm with Kellan, I feel whole. Complete. Less ruined. More of me. But he doesn't want me. He wants more for me, or what he considers to be more. I want more of him. All of it makes my stomach hurt.

  "Are you mad at me?" Reed finally asks.

  "Yes."

  "Thanks for your honesty," he says with a laugh.

  "Anytime."

  "Look, Willow, I know you care for Kellan, but is that what you really want? A felon?"

  "Why do you keep focusing on that? Isn't that being a little judgmental?"

  "No. A jury was judgmental when they threw him in prison, Willow."

  "Even the father of those kids has forgiven him."

  "And I'm happy for that. Kellan deserves that. But he doesn't deserve you."

  I shake my head and sigh, leaning back and closing my eyes. When I open them again. we've been riding for five hours. Another nine to go.

  "Are you hungry?" he asks. I nod my head and we pull over. Reed has made sandwiches and put them in a cooler in the back so that we can eat and ride. That's okay with me because I don't want to sit across from him at a restaurant and talk.

  We eat quickly and get back on the road. Nine hours is a hell of a long time in the car with someone who has royally pissed you off, that's for sure.

  When we finally pull up to the hotel, I'm exhausted from being tied in knots emotionally. So much has happened in the last twenty four hours that I don't even know what to think anymore.

  We get out of the car, and Reed grabs both of our suitcases. "I can get mine," I say reaching for my black suitcase. He pulls it back out of reach.

  "You might be mad at me right now, but I'm still a gentleman," he says with a wink. We walk into the lobby, and Reed goes up to the desk to check us in. The parking lot was packed, and apparently a lot of the convention goers are staying here.

  We finally make our way up to the desk, but I hang back to get a look at the people arriving. I notice license plates from as far as Oklahoma out in the parking lot.

  "I'm so sorry, sir. This was definitely our mistake. I can offer you a voucher for your next stay with us..."

  "Whats going on, Reed?" I ask, finally paying attention again.

  He shakes his head and laughs as if the irony is too much for him. "They overbooked. We only have one room. With a Queen sized bed."

  Okay, this is all a little too convenient. I feel like I'm in a predictable movie. Oops, we ran out of gas. Oops, we only have one bed.

  "Reed, fix it," I say sharply as our eyes meet.

  "He can't fix it," the lady says from behind the counter. "We are overbooked. This is the only room we reserved for you. I'm so sorry. Our new girl..." the woman starts explaining, but I don't care. How in the world am I supposed to sleep in the same bed with Reed Miller for two nights without regretting it?

  ***

  Reed unlocks the room, and walks in turning on lights as he goes. It's not a bad place, and pretty roomy as hotel rooms go. There is, in fact, one bed with the requisite ugly hotel bedspread. I put down my purse and look out the window. We're on the fourth floor and overlooking the city of Providence.

  "Willow, I'm sorry again," he says.

  "No biggie. As the front desk lady said, it's their fault. And we're here on business, right? We can do this. I'm sure reporters have to do all sorts of stuff like this all the time." I fake a smile and sit down on the little pinkish colored chair in the corner. Who decorated this place?

  "Are you hungry?" he asks. It's almost midnight now, and we only had the one sandwich along the way.

  "Starving."

  "Should we order a pizza?"

  "Sounds good. What time is our first seminar tomorrow?"

  "Eight."

  "Ouch."

  "Yep. This one is on the ins and outs of social media as it relates to news reporting." He's reading from the packet that lists all of our seminars.

  "Fun," I say flipping through the Bible I find in the end table drawer.

  "Pepperoni okay?" he asks as he dials the number for room service.

  "Yep."

  We unpack our stuff and get into comfortable clothes. Reed changes into athletic shorts and a blue t-shirt, and I can't help but notice how handsome he really is. He's so put together. So packaged up and ready to go. I slip on my favorite black yoga pants and a gray c
ami. I can see him looking at me, but I try to ignore it.

  "If Kellan hadn't shown up, would I have had a chance?" he asks me suddenly. I'm facing the window looking out at the lights of the city. It's a good question. He sure had a chance when he kissed me, but it can't happen. He doesn't know who I really am, and he would never want me after finding out about my past.

  "I don't know, Reed. It doesn't matter. Look, the reality of it is that Kellan gets me. He understands me. We have a lot in common."

  "You mean because you killed your father?" he asks. My chest tightens and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I take a deep, ragged breath as I swing around and look at him.