Ruined

by Hanna, Rachel

  "What? How did you..." I can't even form words. He walks slowly toward me.

  "It's okay, Willow. Calm down, sweetie. It's okay," I can hear him saying, but my legs start to give way and I feel myself falling. He scoops me up and carries me to the bed. I feel a cool compress on my head a few seconds later. "Willow, take deep breaths..."

  Finally, I start to regain my composure and look at him. He doesn't look mad or upset or disgusted like I thought he'd be. He looks accepting and loving and stable. This is so confusing to me.

  "How did you know?"

  "I'm a reporter, Willow," he says with an ironic laugh.

  "How long have you known?" I still can't look at him, so I put the cold rag over my face and hang my head.

  "Since after our kiss. I had to know why you weren't willing to let me in."

  "Did you tell anyone?" I ask, suddenly worried about my mother and Bruce.

  "Of course not, Willow. I wouldn't do anything to ever hurt you intentionally. But I don't understand why you would hide this. You didn't do anything wrong..."

  "People hated me after that, Reed. We had to leave our hometown. I had to change my name. We had to start over. Why would I want people here to know? So everyone can hate me again?"

  "Willow, I'm not sure you can ever heal from this until you take control of it."

  "Excuse me?"

  "You helped Kellan take control by doing that interview, right?"

  "I guess..."

  "Well, you have to stand up for yourself. You know that you had no choice. You were faced with a life and death situation that wasn't fair and was unimaginable. No one has the right to judge what you did."

  "That sounds all good in theory, but people did judge me. We had death threats."

  "And that was five years ago and across the country. When are you going to trust the people who know you right now?"

  "Trust is too dangerous," I say standing up and walking back to the window. "You can't take anything at face value in this world, Reed. When everything seems fine, it can all come crashing down."

  He walks up behind me and puts his hands around my waist. I don't move them for some reason. "Or it can all turn out just like you've always wanted. In the end, you drive your own destiny, Willow. Which road are you going to choose?"

  I stand silently for a moment. "You know, I really thought you were going to judge me. I thought you'd run like the wind."

  "Exactly. What you thought would happen didn't. It turned out better, right?" I nod and then look down. "You have to give people a chance to support you, Willow."

  "I'm scared, Reed..." I say turning around instinctively. He pulls me in and hugs me tightly, kissing me on top of my head. The move reminds me of Kellan, and I feel a pang in my heart. What am I doing? My emotions are so completely confused right now that I can barely stand myself.

  "I know you are. And I don't want to push you. But I do want you to understand that Kellan isn't your only choice here. You don't have to choose someone damaged just because you think no one else would want you, Willow, because I want you," he says putting his hand behind my head. He kisses my forehead slowly and softly and then repeats himself. "I. Want. You."

  We stand for what seems like an eternity holding each other in front of the window. Our moment is only interrupted when the pizza guy finally arrives and knocks on the door. We spend the rest of the night talking and eating pizza. When we finally get to bed, it's almost two in the morning and we have to be up early.

  Now, the obvious question comes. The elephant in the room is a Queen sized bed. I put on my tank top and shorts that I brought to sleep in. They're a little more revealing than I would have brought had I known we'd be sharing a room. And a bed.

  "I'm going to call housekeeping and ask for some extra blankets and pillows," he says.

  "Why?"

  "So I can make a pallet on the floor..."

  "Reed, come on. We're adults. I think we're mature enough to keep our hands to ourselves, don't you?" I ask hoping that he'll agree. He nods and smiles.

  "I'll try."

  "You'd better try hard," I say throwing a pillow at him as I pull down the covers and sheet.

  "You just try to keep your own hands to yourself, Willow Blake. No means no. This sexy body of mine is hard to resist, but try to maintain your composure," he says grinning as he slips off his shirt and pants until he's standing there in a pair of black boxer briefs. Um. Hello. This might actually be harder than I thought.

  We climb into the bed, and I flip the beside lamp off which washes us in the complete darkness of night.

  "Goodnight, Willow," Reed whispers as he turns away from me. Thankful we didn't have a "scene" of some kind, I say goodnight and slide down into the covers.

  Chapter 18

  He's coming toward me. There's nowhere for me to go. The look in his eyes says death. Terror. I can't catch my breath. I hold my chest, but there's no oxygen to be had. I seem to be choking on my own fear. I beg him to stop. I beg him to let me live. But he seems intent on killing me.

  I see a knife. I can't use it. I can't hurt him back. He doesn't mean what he's doing. He's sick. I love him. He held me as a baby. He helped me learn to ride my first bike. It was pink and had streamers that blew in the wind from the handlebars. He called me Princess, and he finger painted with me. He let me dance on his feet, and he made ice cream sundaes with me. Always with extra cherries. He loved my mother and me.

  His hands are around my throat now. I can feel his thumbs digging into my neck, and light is slowly becoming darkness now. Maybe I should just let him do it. I can't be worth much if he's trying to kill me. Maybe this will solve his problems. He'll go to jail and he'll be forced to get sober. He'll understand what he did, and he'll get better. Maybe it won't be so bad.

  Something inside of me is welling up against my wishes. There's something fighting back from the inside. Fight or flight, maybe? I learned that in science class. I see my hand sliding across the white countertop toward the big butcher knife. He doesn't see me moving. He's staring into my eyes, but I don't know this person. He has no conscience, no heart, no emotions. He's not my father. He's a demon possessed by rage, and I have to save myself.

  The knife is in my hand now. The coldness of the black handle presses into my palm, and then I feel myself pushing it in. Into him. The anger in his eyes starts to fade. It's replaced by confusion. By pain? Life starts to fade and....

  "Willow! Willow! It's okay!"

  I open my eyes and Reed has me in his lap in the bed. He's holding me tightly, and I can feel sweat rolling down my back and between my breasts. What happened?

  "Reed?" I say, dazed and confused. I glance at the clock and see that it's a little after four in the morning. I'm breathing heavily, like I've just run a marathon.

  "You must have had a nightmare," he says wiping the hair out of my eyes. "You started screaming, and then you tried to run."

  "I tried to run?"

  "Yeah. You just jumped out of bed and started to run. I had to catch you and pull you back before you hit the wall." I can hear the concern in his voice.

  "I'm never going to be normal again..." I say, weeping for the old Willow - or Kate as she was named back then.

  "You'll be normal again, Willow. It's just a new normal..."

  I must fall asleep in Reed's lap, because when I wake up in the morning, I'm sprawled across him. I'm surprised that he can even breathe with me on top of him, but he looks happy. It's seven, and our first seminar is in just an hour.

  "Reed! Reed! Wake up, we're going to be late...." I say, scampering up and turning on the lights.

  "Crap. I set my phone, but I didn't even hear it."

  "It's my fault. My antics kept us up too late," I say smiling sadly. He stands up and takes my hand, pulling me to him.

  "None of this is your fault. You're going to get through this, Willow. I promise." He stares down at me with those blue eyes, and I feel so conflicted. If I let myself fall for Reed, I'm pushing Kellan
away. If I choose Kellan, Reed will be gone from my life. How can I possibly want them both for different reasons?

  "Thanks for being there. You'll never know how much..." I try to speak, but the tears are coming back.

  "No thanks needed. We're friends, right?" he says. The word "friends" makes me feel a little sad and confused and irritated with myself.

  "Of course. Friends. I've got to grab a shower. Can you call room service for some breakfast? And coffee?" I ask laughing. He nods and I run to the shower.

  ***

  Our morning seminars are very informative and give me a reason to focus on something outside of myself for awhile. I learn so much and make some new contacts, and I realize for the first time that this is the path I definitely need to be on. I can do this, and for once I feel like I'm worth something in this business.

  We head into town to grab lunch at a small deli on a busy corner. "Since we finish early today, I was wondering if you might want to take the bus into Boston tonight and have dinner with me?" he asks.

  "As in a date?" I ask.

  "Do you want to go on a date with me, Willow?" he asks, his eyebrows inching upward.

  "I don't know," I say softly.

  "Do you ever think of kissing me again?" he whispers. My face turns red.

  "When I'm with you, I think about a lot of things, Reed. But I can't say I'm not confused because I am." Honesty is the best policy, right?

  "Well, how about this. I take you on a date tonight. A real date. And we don't talk about work or Kellan or your past. We're just two people having a good time. I'll plan everything. Then maybe you'll know what you want."

  "Okay. Let's go on a date," I say smiling. The truth is, Kellan abandoned me immediately after I told him what I did. Maybe he's the one who doesn't want me. Maybe he can't handle what I did. He won't answer my calls or my texts, so he obviously doesn't care enough to see how I'm doing. Why not go out with Reed? At least he cares.

  We eat our lunch and hurry back to seminars for the rest of the afternoon. Reed tells me he has some things to do to prepare for our date, so I go back to the hotel room and start getting ready. I'm excited, nervous... But I feel like this date might shed light on how I really feel about him.

  As I'm looking for the right outfit to wear, my phone rings. I don't look at the caller ID and just pick it up.

  "Girl, where are you?" I hear Emmy yelping on the other end. Oops. Forgot to tell her I was going out of town.

  "Sorry. I'm in Rhode Island at a broadcasting convention."

  "Alone? You're braver than me!"

  "No, not alone. Reed Miller is with me."

  She giggles loudly. "You go, girl!"

  "It's not like that, Em! We're just here on business."

  "More like getting busy!"

  "Emmy!" I say laughing. "You're a nut."

  "Seriously, are you gettin' any?"

  "You should have been born a man with the way you talk sometimes," I say, still rummaging through my things looking for the right shirt. Why did I bring so much stuff?

  "Whatever. How are things going between you two?"

  "Fine. I guess. He's taking me on a real date in Boston tonight," I finally say.

  "How sweet..."

  "I'm very conflicted, Em," I admit. I guess I need to confide in a girlfriend for once in my life.

  "About?"

  "Kellan."

  "The convict?"

  "Stop calling him that."

  "Sorry."

  "Look, Em, I know you don't understand, but Kellan is a lot deeper than you think."

  "But what kind of future does he have, Willow?"

  "That's what Reed says."

  "You need to consider that question. Quit hiding from the truth, Willow. There will always be leftover baggage from Kellan's past. And from his prison stay. My second cousin was in prison for two years. He was never the same."

  "Any tragedy in life leaves us with scars, Emmy. We're all carrying battle scars, but that doesn't mean you leave a man behind. He deserves a second chance. I keep repeating that, but it's true."

  "Does Kellan want you, though?"

  "I don't know."

  "Does Reed?"

  "Yes."

  "Then it seems like your choice is clear."

  "No, actually it's about as clear as mud right now. I have feelings for both of them, but those feelings are totally different."

  "Okay, forgetting what I know about Kellan, I'm going to give you some realistic girlfriend advice." I laugh at her trying to be serious.

  "I'm ready, girlfriend." I sit down on the edge of the bed and wait for her words of wisdom.

  "You need to choose the man who fills you up with more of yourself."

  "What in the heck are you talking about, Em?"

  She starts laughing hysterically. "My aunt Judy told me that once, and I'm still trying to figure out what she was talking about!"

  "I'll have to think about that one!" I love that Emmy can make me laugh.

  "Seriously, though, I think you should just sleep with Reed and tell me what it's like because I'm dying to know what that guy looks like naked..."

  "Emmy!"

  "Oh, gotta go. Tanna and Olivia are waiting for me. We're going to the club to scope out some fresh meat," she says with a giggle. "Text me if you get some ass!" and she's gone. That girl is crazy.

  I sit for a moment to consider what Emmy's aunt said. Choose the one who fills me up with more of myself? Then I think about Emmy's advice. Sleep with Reed. I like option 2 better than option 1, but I know sleeping with him and leading him on isn't the right move either.

  I look down at my phone to make sure Kellan hasn't texted me, and of course he hasn't. Who am I kidding?

  I slide into a pair of jeans and a silky royal blue shirt, and as I'm searching for the right earrings my phone rings again. "Crazy, Emmy..." I mutter as I answer the phone.

  "Need to give me more sex advice?" I say giggling as I drop one of my earrings and almost drop my phone.

  "Excuse me?" the man on the other end of the phone says sharply. Crap.

  "I'm so sorry. I thought this was a friend of mine... Can I help you?"

  "Is this Willow?"

  "Who's asking?" Guard up, as usual.

  "Henry Tate Miller." My stomach jumps up to my throat. Reed's father? Why is he calling me and how on Earth does he even know I exist?

  "Mr. Miller, it's a pleasure..." I start to say as I sit down on the bed to calm myself.

  "Save it, Miss Blake. This isn't a social call."

  "Okay..."

  "Let me cut right to the chase. You seem to be getting closer to my wayward son, Reed."

  Wayward?

  "We're friends and colleagues, Mr. Miller."

  "Sure. Fine. Call it what you want, but I know my son. He seems to be interested in you for more than friendship and business. And apparently you're sexually adventurous..."

  "Excuse me?"

  "Well, I've never heard anyone answer the phone that way." Wow, this is not going well.

  "I assure you that I am not a bad influence on your son..."

  "Let me be blunt. I have no intention of seeing my son get hooked up with a murderer, Miss Blake." I feel literal pain in my chest. Nausea rolls over me, and I feel like I might throw up. If he knows, he'll tell everyone.

  "How did you..."

  "I'm an attorney, Willow... or should I say Kate? Anyway, I have my sources."

  "It was a self defense situation, Mr. Miller..." I say in a pleading tone.

  "The details are unimportant to me. What is important is that my son is already off course and doesn't need more to screw his life up. So, here's what's going to happen. First, you're going to pull away from Reed and make sure that friendship is the only thing going on. Secondly, Reed is going to be offered a great job at a TV station in Boston soon. You're going to support his decision to go and not stand in his way."

  "And why would I do what you tell me to do?" I ask angrily.

  "Well,
I also happen to know that Bruce Avery isn't so keen on his own son being a murderer and knows nothing about what you did. How do you think he'd react to you living in his house?"

  "He would understand. He cares about me..."

  "What about your poor mother? You gonna drag her through the mud for a second time?"