Married But Available

by B. Nyamnjoh

  “Do men and women consume pornography in equal measure?”

  “I personally believe it is a men’s thing,” said Adapepe. “Men take great pleasure out of looking at an attractive female, whereas women do not gain any significant reward from looking at pictures of men, perhaps because the handsome ones are few and far between.”

  If Adapepe’s explanation is true, Lilly Loveless thought, it would explain why back in her native Muzunguland, the Playboy magazine sells better than its Playgirl counterpart.

  “Do you think there’s a danger of men who watch pornography losing the ability to relate to women in real life?”

  “Not a chance,” said Adapepe. “Not the Mimboland men I know. Real women are real women, and pornography can never replace the real thing. I have a man I see when I like, how I like, where I like and for what I like. When he is looking for ways to corner me like game, he uses various tactics, pornography included. But when it comes to making real love, I can see in his eyes that his love of porn absolutely never stands in the way of his love for me.”

  “Is it Burning Spear you are talking of?”

  “Yes, Burning Spear, the DJ of my heart…”

  Adapepe’s phone rang. “Sorry I must go,” she stood up. “Things are heating up again out there. My comrades want me. La lutta continua!”

  “Thanks for your time,” said Lilly Loveless, shaking hands with Adapepe. She gave her the money for food she promised Adapepe and her fellow leaders of the strike. “Do give me a call when you are free to continue our conversation on this and related issue.”

  “I will,” Adapepe said and ran off.

  20

  Lilly Loveless chose her best underwear to go with her new dress, and left the house in a hurry. She was late for her appointment with Britney. As she made her way to the main road to take a taxi, Lilly Loveless passed a group of bricklayers and carpenters working on a storey building nearby rumoured to belong to Dr Simba Spineless, the Reg. Whistling and comments on her body parts trailed her like a swarm of bees. She could almost feel them staring, grabbing, pinching and slapping her on the bum. She felt like a gazelle hounded by a pack of hyenas. Although the men were quite disrespectful, she wondered what they would do if she decided to strip for them. Would they be dazzled? Go completely randy? Pretend to have everything under control as did some of her stiff upper lip clients back home in Muzunguland? Or would they find it such a bizarre thing to do in broad daylight? She ignored them and took the first taxi that came along.

  “You look fabulous in your new blue dress,” said Britney as Lilly Loveless got into the back seat of the taxi beside her. She had been waiting for Lilly Loveless at the agreed intersection on the outskirts of Puttkamerstown. They headed for Munyinge-Fish, a little coastal fishing village just behind Mount Mimbo, reputed for magneting fishermen from communities as far afield as the distant countries along the West-African coast.

  “With that impressive open back and scarf draped elegantly around you,” said Britney, “I don’t know whether to say you look like a blond beauty or a blue devil.” They both laughed, and the taxi driver looked at them in his rear-view mirror with squinting eyes. The dress was styled after the one Britney had worn when Lilly Loveless invited her to her place for the birthday surprise.

  Britney had brought their picnic lunch and Lilly Loveless Mim-Wata in her soft blue collapsible cooler. Leaving their footprints in the sand of the shore was their priority of priorities. Only after that did they proceed to the village, where they settled at a hut with a covered patio that seemed to be a small eating place and looked around to see if anyone was working there that day or not.

  Not seeing anyone, they settled at a table nonetheless, both of them looking out toward the shore. They took off their sandals, stretched their legs out under the table and put their feet up on the plastic chairs in front of them. They commented on the colourful slender fishing boats with fanciful names gliding through the water and gracing the skyline and on Mount Mimbo overlooking and meeting the sea.

  Lilly Loveless unpacked her recorder, and Britney unfolded the stories she had collected, one after the other.

  “First, let me start with an aperitif.”

  “That’s new. What do you mean?”

  “A story to wake your appetite,” Britney explained.

  “OK, I’m ready for your aperitif,” Lilly Loveless passed her tongue over her lips.

  ***

  “A university assistant lecturer was having an affair with his student last semester. One day he went to her place where they made love all afternoon and into the early hours of the night. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up late. He hurriedly dressed and went to a nearby bar where he gulped two bottles of beer in a hurry, then rushed home. ‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded to know. ‘I can’t lie to you Sweetheart,’ said he. ‘I’m having an affair with a student, and I came from her place where we had sex all afternoon and all evening.’ She sniffed his breathe and said: ‘Nyamfuka! You lying bastard! You’ve been out drinking with your useless friends again!’”

  “With such an aperitif, I can’t wait for the meal,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “The assistant lecturer, who was very good at lying, unfortunately lost his job early this semester when the university authorities discovered that he had bribed, crooked, and wriggled his way through the civil service hierarchies until he was the third most well-paid civil servant in the country, after President Longstay and the Prime Minister Fabulous-Nobody. He now awaits the verdict of the heavy hammer of the state disciplinary apparatus, and is said to shiver with fear like a rain-beaten day-old chick, as years in prison are a real prospect. When we say Mimboland is a bastion of corruption, it is not always at the top that one should look.”

  “I hope his wife is sticking by him,” said Lilly Loveless. “Don’t they say behind every crumbling man is a supportive woman?”

  “That’s funny. Unfortunately both his wife and girlfriend refuse to crumble with him. While the girlfriend has since moved on, the wife is not very enthusiastic to stand by a husband who did everything to deprive her of the fruits of their marriage.”

  “Where is he today? Could I interview him?”

  “He wouldn’t talk to you if you tried. He is one of those students and colleagues laughed out without mercy. They called him ‘Half Book’, as he is yet to complete the PhD on ‘The Anatomy of Corruption in Mimboland’ he started ten years ago.”

  “Sounds like a man best avoided,” said Lilly Loveless.

  Britney agreed and continued with her next story.

  ***

  “Bonny and Angèle,” Britney began, “were at university together. Bonny was two years ahead and when he finished and got a job, Angèle was doing her last year. By the time Angèle was through she got pregnant and gave birth to his child, a baby girl. Angèle soon got a job also but not in the same station as he. Bonny proposed marriage and despite the odds, they finally got married. They both couldn’t have been happy but for Bonny’s widowed mother who thought his first obligation was to her. He was the only eye among the blind and so had to take on all of the family responsibilities. His sisters had all dropped out of school due to pregnancies and thus had children whose fathers they couldn’t even tell.”

  “Bonny has his house and hands full, doesn’t he?” said Lilly Loveless, to show she was paying attention. She didn’t want Britney to accuse her of leaving her words at the table to contemplate the scenery.

  This encouraged Britney and she continued. “The problem is that Bonny all along was a playboy in a sense and Angèle had refused to accept this with the hope that he might tire of that life and settle down. Poor Angèle! After their marriage, Bonny’s mother told Angèle that her dream had been for Bonny to marry a girl from his home village, meaning a girl from the mother’s village since Bonny’s late father was from another village.”

  “When the mother-in-law is not on your side, I sense trouble,” said Lilly Loveless, drawing on some of the o
ther stories Britney had already shared with her.

  “Angèle did not take this seriously and simply laughed it off. She moved to live with Bonny and his mother. From day one it was two wives living under one roof and not a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.”

  “There’s gonna be trouble,” predicted Lilly Loveless.

  “Easy to see it coming when you’re on the outside,” said Britney and continued. “Mama wanted to dictate the terms on which things should move and how the house should be run. Bonny would once in a while step in but told Angèle to manage. He couldn’t send his mother away.

  “Angèle was from a well brought up home and an independent family thus got lots of consolation from her family who even gave her extra income. She got pregnant again and almost lost her life with the pregnancy. She had an emergency operation but lost the baby.”

  “That’s too bad,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “It was particularly painful. The ultra sound scan had already revealed the sex of the child was male, which she hoped would draw her husband and his family closer.”

  “Old traditions die hard,” remarked Lilly Loveless.

  “They were both transferred,” continued Britney, “and while at their new station Bonny had an affair with an adolescent and got her pregnant. The girl’s mom is said to have been worried about the girl when she told a friend: ‘I notice how condoms seem to disappear from the bedside cupboard. At first I thought my husband was the culprit, until I realized it was my 16-year-old daughter who would sneak them away one by one every so often.’ The condoms she probably used with her teenage boyfriend, but when she saw Bonny, they waved farewell to condoms, and the result was her pregnancy. Angèle had no idea of this but Bonny’s mother knew, and when the little girl had the baby her family took her away but kept in constant communication with Bonny.

  “Angèle lost two other pregnancies and finally got a baby boy who came as an answer to her prayers. Because her first was a girl and born out of wedlock, and she kept losing children, she worried she might not bear a successor for Bonny. She had even seriously considered taking up the advice of a friend to visit a traditional medicine man but was discouraged when the man insisted he would have to sleep with her for seven consecutive nights for his medicine to be effective. Mama was already out of patience with her for not given her son a ‘chop chair’. It was therefore a most welcome development when she had the boy.”

  “A boy at long last!” shouted Lilly Loveless. “I hope they lived peacefully ever after.”

  “Mama was never ever comfortable with Angèle or her family members when they visited. She found fault always and her son believed her when she brought problems up. Mama told Angèle she was extravagant, not caring and full of herself because she came from a wealthy family. Mama decided with Bonny to go and get the little boy, Eddy, since the mother was to get married soon and the family would want the issue of Eddy settled. Mama and Bonny secretly went off to negotiate for Eddy, but the boy’s aunts and grandparents refused to discuss anything without Bonny’s wife present. On their return they did not know how to tell Angèle. But as Angèle had to be informed, Mama started being nice to Angèle and after some weeks brought Angèle and Bonny together and brought up the story. Angèle went with them and brought Eddy to his new home. Eddy and the others grew up together as a real family.”

  “Seems like that was well negotiated, no? What next?” interrupted Lilly Loveless.

  “Bonny was transferred,” explained Britney, “and he had already built a home for Mama so he could not let Mama go with them.

  “Good for him,” commented Lilly Loveless.

  “They went off and had a really happy family life until they were again transferred back to an area close to his mother. Bonny’s first transfer was a good idea because he felt it would give him time to try to prepare a home for himself and his family. But with the transfer back, there would be only hell and misery. The first few months were spent with Mama but he was like a complete stranger to his house. Mama and her daughters all teamed up against Bonny’s family but for Eddy whom they said was their own. They put into Eddy’s head ideas about Angèle not being his mother.

  “Real troublemakers, no?” asked Lilly Loveless.

  “I guess you could say that,” said Britney, “because Bonny quickly moved out to a rented home but it was already too late. Angèle had taken her own decision and was quite unconcerned with Bonny’s family. Angèle had really been doing everything for Mama and her children and grandchildren but since they saw Bonny as their lord they never recognised Angèle.

  “Their lord and master seemed to have a hard time coping,” Lilly Loveless couldn’t help but note.

  “Everything is up to Mama,” said Britney. “Mama could find one reason or the other to visit and stay. It was on one of her visits that her real self came out. She addressed Angèle as occupying her son’s home and eating all his money. She said how Angèle had filled the house with chairs and couldn’t make children. She was going to get a girl for Bonny who would give him children.”

  “They already have three and they need more? Do they have land that needs cultivating?” asked Lilly Loveless.

  “That’s beside the point,” said Britney. “Mama went ahead and got a girl to whom Bonny never even said good morning. Mama took that to mean that it was because the girl was not as qualified as Angèle.

  “Angèle gritted her teeth and took all this, and all the while Bonny continued in his normal playboy life despite the advancement in age.”

  “He’s in his own world, isn’t he?” mused Lilly Loveless, now getting into the story and forgetting about the horizon spreading before her and the mountain rising behind. “What happens next?”

  “Well,” said Britney, “Mama resorted to black magic which still did not yield any fruit. Bonny realised it and stopped visiting his mother. Angèle had long decided with her children never to go there. This meant that Mama no longer had enough to eat so she started sending Angèle messages that she had neglected her. None of her messages were replied.”

  “I can almost hear doors closing on Mama,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “When Mama realised she could not bear it any longer,” explained Britney, “she feigned illness and took off to see Bonny and Angèle.

  “Angèle had always taken her to hospital whenever she came to them sick, but this time, it did not occur to her that Mama was there because she was indeed sick. Angèle went about her normal activities and retired to her room to sleep. Mama could not stand it, she called Angèle to talk things over with her but to Angèle it was too late. No repairs could be made.”

  Lilly Loveless sighed as Britney concluded the story. She wanted to know more. Not about Bonny because he was the incessant playboy who fled instead of facing his problems and she knew what he would be up to. Did the dictator of a Mama live? How did Angèle continue to manage? What about the children? But she wouldn’t ask such questions because she knew Britney had gathered as much information as she could. And she wouldn’t ask Britney if she would have visited Mama in the hospital if she were Angèle because she would say it’s difficult to hypothesise about such things if you’re not actually in the situation yourself.

  So she took two bottles of Mim-Wata out of her cooler bag, offered one to Britney and asked her who they would hear of next.

  ***

  “Bernard and Agatha,” said Britney without hesitating. “They are married with six children and are quite elderly. Agatha has never been faithful. There are even incidences when Agatha’s daughters complained of sharing boyfriends with her. She is a real sweet mama – what we sometimes call Mbomese, who can be so foolishly insanely in love, especially when she meets the right young man to melt her heart with his hesitant, venturesome hands of innocence.”

  “Really?!” asked Lilly Loveless.

  “I can still say things to surprise you?” asked Britney. “What may surprise you more is that Bernard, quite calm and gentle, knows this weakness of Agatha and for t
his reason, their grown up children have always worked away from Agatha.

  “When he worked, Bernard usually came home on weekends but had this peculiar attitude of sending home his weekend box before his arrival. When asked by his friends he said he had to notify Agatha he was around to avoid any embarrassments.

  “Agatha could run around but had Edward as a steady partner who funded all trips and expenses. Edward was polygamous with many children but cared very little for his family. He would yield to any demands from Agatha but would not for any of his wives or children.

  “It was on one of their weekend sprees that they got involved in a car accident and Edward was badly injured while Agatha had just a few bruises.”

  “Not good,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “Not good at all,” agreed Britney. “Agatha managed to get Edward to hospital but could not inform his family. She all the same tried to inform Edward’s son-in-law but did not give the cause for his being in hospital. Edward’s family was then informed. His second wife was illiterate but was quite an imposing woman. She had once caused a row regarding Edward and Agatha but was silenced by Edward. She now went to hospital and before long the whole story was out. Agatha prepared food well spiced the next day and took it to hospital, but before she could enter the ward she was attacked and her clothes torn off her. She managed to escape back home, half naked, dripping of okro soup and smeared with the garri she had prepared for Edward.”

  “What happened next?”

  “Edward recovered, their relationship continued.”

  “Really? Wonders will never end, as they say around here,” said Lilly Loveless, suddenly having the feeling of gradually turning native. Anthropologists would say this was the time to leave the field in order never to lose sight of the fact that she was there ‘to study the natives, not to become one of them.’

  “Yes, but Edward was picked up for embezzlement. He couldn’t have had the lifestyle he had purely on the strength of his own wallet and sweat,” Britney pronounced. “But as they say, ‘man weh yi chop big chop yi mus shit big shit’.”