by Kira Blakely
“Just let me write the draft today,” I said pleadingly. “You can decide from there if you want to fire me, or if you want to publish the article. I don’t need to travel with them to the Games to figure the rest of it out. I’ve been around it long enough.”
“Fine, but you have to turn it in by tonight. If it isn’t in my inbox by nine, then consider yourself out of a job.”
“I understand, sir. Thank you.”
I left my phone to charge while I showered. For an entire week, I had avoided writing this because I knew it meant having to face my own feelings for this sport, and for Jude as well. I had to face the demons of my past to write this damn article if I wanted a good reputation as a freelance writer. I had to write it.
And it had to be damn good.
Tucking my computer into my satchel, I left the house to walk along the sidewalk in the direction of the one place where I needed to be at. School had started early, with the summer weeks waning. It would be fall soon. The trees would change colors, and I’d be stuck in Gypsum to watch the world let go of everything while I tried to figure out the chaos of emotion in my heart. It was utterly quiet as I walked along the flat stretch of dirt road. No one was out here in the middle of the day.
The blood in my veins went cold as I came to the edge of the quarry to look down at the sharp rocks and steep hills. There were a few more places to catch air than I remembered last. Various messages were spray painted along the rocks as I walked slowly along, with the hot air pushing down on me. I could still smell that crisp night air when Dean had informed me that Jude was going to race for the first time since Andy’s death. I had rushed down there to confront of him. I remembered it vividly still…
Various lights were strung out across the quarry. The sound of generators echoed in the night as I rushed down the winding road in the direction of the bikes.
What the fuck was Jude thinking?
Cold rage filled me as I reached the bottom to jog over to where Jude was standing with his crew. All of them were laughing, carefree, while I approached them with fists clenched tightly at my sides.
“Yo, JJ. Your girl is here.”
Jude turned around on the heel of his riding boot to look at me in surprise. His eyes were sparkling wildly as he swept a gaze along my angry face. Guilt flickered along the dark shadows of his face. He knew it, just as well as I did, that this felt like a slap to my face.
“What the hell are you doing?” I shrieked, coming to a halt in front of him. My hand reeled back and I slapped him hard across the padding of his chest plate. “Huh? Jesus, Jude! Andy is dead, and you’re riding again!”
The cold night air blew around us. I glanced up at the sky, expecting to find snowflakes at any moment. Moonlight tried to peer down through the thick clouds. This would be my first Christmas without Andy. Thinking of that brought a fresh wave of grief over my heart.
“It’s not a big deal,” Jude said. “It was just a small race. Andy—”
“Died here,” I shouted, tears streaming down my cheeks. “He died out here trying to impress the fucking lot of you.”
Jude shook his head at me as he took a step forward. He tried to reach out to touch me but I shrugged his hand away with an angry cry.
“This is what I want to do with my life,” Jude said, eyes glittering with anger. “I live to race. Your brother knew that, too. Get fucking used to it, Ava. I’m not going to give this up because of what happened. I actually know what the hell I’m doing out here.”
Smack!
My palm tingled after I drew it back from Jude’s cheek. He reached up to touch his cheek with his fingertips.
“Fuck you,” I whispered. “Go to hell. Never talk to me again.”
“Ava—”
I pushed away from the circle of his friends to run back up the sharp rocks. They cut into the palms of my hands as I climbed up. I could hear their laughter, their encouragements to Jude as I climbed up to the top again. They weren’t going to change. Jude would never change because he didn’t think there was a problem.
And I couldn’t spend the rest of my life watching this stupid shit.
My palms tingled as I came back to the hot summer afternoon. I glanced down to find that my fingernails had cut into my skin. Blood dripped down to the dusty ground on some rocks. I picked up one of the rocks to toss it down into the quarry. A scream, deep from within my chest, escaped as I sank down to my knees, and sobs wracked my body.
I was in love with Jude Jacobs. I knew that I was, but I couldn’t sit back idly while he continued to risk his life every single night. Andy’s death had placed a black mark over my soul. It followed me around wherever I went. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I couldn’t understand it, even now as an adult. My brother had died doing this. They were just tricks for amusement; no one needed this stuff. It was unnecessary, and he was risking his life for it. Why couldn’t Jude see that?
Wiping the blood from my palms, I tossed one last rock into the quarry before going back down the long dirt road. I went to the small coffee shop on Main Street to sit down in a small booth that needed to be refurnished because of the cracks in it. I ordered a hot cup of coffee while I cleaned the blood from my palms and fingernails.
I came back out of the bathroom to find Emily sitting at the booth in front of my computer. Two large cups of coffees were placed in front of her by the barista as I approached the table. She smiled up at me when I slid into the booth across from her.
“How did you know I was here?” I asked.
“Your mother told me,” she said, shrugging. “I just wanted to stop by for a cup of coffee to talk. She said you might need a friend.”
I picked up the cup of coffee with a sigh. “What is there to talk about? It was over before anything could begin.”
“So, you slept with JJ? I’m assuming numerous times?”
“It was amazing, too,” I said.
I spent the next two hours venting out everything to Emily. She listened to me talk patiently. Emily handed back my phone after scrolling through the photos I had taken.
“I get your point,” she said. “I mean, I don’t blame you for feeling afraid. That’s a lot for a person to deal with.”
“He’s a trained athlete. He’s good at what he does. It’s just…” I couldn’t wrap my head around the danger of it. “I don’t know, Emily. I just can’t sit back and wait for it to happen again.”
Emily shook her head at me. “You shouldn’t have to. You don’t deserve to be treated like that, either. He knows what you went through.” She stood up to give me a long and warm hug. “I better let you get to work. Call me if you need anything, okay?”
“Thank you. I will.”
I smiled at her as she walked out of the coffee shop. I looked down at my phone, at the photos I had taken of Jude throughout his circuit. Some of them were with his fans who gazed up at him with love and admiration. That was why he continued to do what he did. I could see it in his eyes in the photographs. The love he never received at home, he sought it out through the fans he came into contact with.
I stopped on a photograph of him suspended in mid-air with the bike at his fingertips. He wasn’t just a fifteen-year-old kid doing tricks. He was good at what he did. He had also branched out to do other things in the process, too. He had started his own merchandise line. He had a few energy drinks with his name attached to them. The endorsements from Nike. The future paychecks he would get for just showing up to certain events. He wasn’t a gangly teenager trying to impress his friends anymore. He was a businessman. A very successful one at that.
I understood it then as I opened up my computer to let my fingers dance across the keyboards. His success had nothing to do with danger. It had everything to do with taking risks for the love that he wanted from those around him. I wished that I had a margin of that bravery.
Chapter 23
Jude
Returning to Chicago for the Games was bitter. I booked a seat on a plane to fly back from V
egas to Chicago, just to avoid hearing Chuck chatter away about how he was right when it came Ava. I didn’t want to hear it because he wasn’t right about Ava.
An entire fucking week of nothing. No returned phone calls. No text messages. Her boss had no idea where she had gone exactly, judging from the phone call that Chuck had placed. I was half-tempted to file a missing person’s report on her because I had no idea where the fuck she had gone.
I had an idea, though. I just wasn’t going to chase after her this time. No, not this time. I had the Games to think about. I had to get prepared, no matter how tempting it was to fly all the way out to where I suspected she was—Gypsum.
Rubbing ointment over my wrist, I stared down at the garage where a few of my mechanics were doing their last-minute checks on everything. They were adjusting a few things around the engines on the spare bikes as well. The Games went on all day. It was always a good idea to have a few back-up bikes, in case of crashes. I had learned that the hard way years ago, when I showed up with one bike, crashed it, and then had to wrench on it quickly in between my time slots.
That would’ve made a good story in the article. Something about what a hard worker I was and all that bullshit. Ava clearly didn’t care about any of it. I still had no idea why I asked her to come along with me around the circuit. Sure, sex had been the main motivator behind all of it. I wanted another chance to get her in my bed but it was deeper than that. I wanted to prove to her that I wasn’t doing this to rub Andy’s death in her face. I felt that loss every time I got down on my bike to race around the arena.
I felt it every damn day. I sat down at my desk to rifle through the pile of fan mail that Chuck brought in the office weekly for us to sort through. I was halfway through reading a letter from a young kid in California when the door to my office opened.
“Courier brought this for you.” Chuck handed over a manila envelope to me. “It looks like it’s from Gypsum.”
I recognized Ava’s handwriting on the front of the envelope. I tore the top off to pull out a couple pages of paper. The article. I stared down at the typed words before looking up at Chuck in amazement.
“It’s from Ava,” I said. “It’s the article.”
Chuck immediately tried to grab it from me. “Let me read what she wrote. I have a feeling it has nothing to do with what we discussed.”
“I’ll read it first,” I snapped, pulling it away from his grasp. “Go down into the garage for a little bit.”
“JJ—”
“I said go away.”
He left my office with an irritated sigh. I sat the article down on the center of my cluttered desk. This was it. This was the answer to everything. It wasn’t a coincidence that this came in the mail before the Games could start.
I sucked in a deep breath through my nose before focusing on the words.
This wasn’t the article that I hoped to write about Jude Jacobs. To all of you, he is a supercross athlete, charming all of your children with his edge. He knows how to ride. He knows what he is doing when it comes to the arena. He is the definition of danger. He happens to be a man that many of you would love if you knew him personally.
He told me recently that the reason why he had gotten so good at riding was because of his father. I remember that little boy, years ago, running to my house on his bike so he could get away from the pain of his past. He could escape by going fast. I think he took that lesson to heart as he went through his life.
My brother Andy, who was close friends with Jude, died in a motocross accident. For a long time, I hated this sport. I hated Jude for doing the thing that killed my brother because I feared losing another person to it. I realize my hatred for this sport came from something else entirely and didn’t involve the man you see in this article.
I didn’t understand why he kept riding every single day. It felt like he was trying to escape my brother’s memory but now, I realize that the love he wanted from his family has come through his fans. He kept going forward because he could feel the love from all of you reading this. He might not know this but I believe that he deserves every bit of his success. I believe that he deserves the most love in the world. I had to abandon the tour to finish writing this article because of all the love I wanted to give him.
We come from a place called Gypsum, Kansas. It’s in the middle of the flat lands that all the tornados miss…
“Son of a bitch,” I whispered, shaking my head in disbelief. “Damn it, Ava. Why did you have to send this to me now?”
This wasn’t the piece that we had agreed upon. It wasn’t about me. It was about her feelings for me. I sensed it in her words as I scanned the rest of the article. She didn’t want to hold me back. She didn’t want to lose me, either. Grief circled both of our lives but she believed that every risk I took was well deserved.
Not anymore.
The risk wasn’t worth Ava. My life, maybe, but not Ava’s love. She was worth more than the fame and everything else that came with it. These words confirmed to me what I had long suspected and hoped she’d come to terms with. She loved me. We’d loved each other since the day Mrs. Parks had assigned Ava to be my English tutor.
I checked the address on the other side of the envelope to find it was Ava’s parents’ address. She had returned home, like I assumed she would if she hadn’t gone back to the city for work. I grabbed the article from my desk to glance at my wrist watch. I still had plenty of time to get to Gypsum.
“Where the hell are you going?” Chuck asked when I darted down the stairs into the garage. “What did the article say?”
“I’m going to Gypsum,” I said, handing the article over to Chuck. “I’m booking a flight. I’m going to fly out today.”
Chuck’s eyes widened in disbelief. “What? No, you can’t. The Games are in a few days. We don’t have time to waste.”
“This is not a waste of time,” I said firmly. “I’m going to Gypsum. I’ll be back in time for the Games.”
I left instructions with my team while Chuck stood at the door. I watched as he read the article quickly with a scowl tugging at his lips.
“This is trash,” he said, shaking his head. “We didn’t agree to this type of article. What the hell is she thinking?”
“The article isn’t just about me,” I said, grabbing it from him. “It’s about everything that happened to both of us. Let her publish this. It’s a good piece.”
“JJ—”
“Don’t start,” I said, holding up my hand. “She isn’t just a piece of ass, man. I love her. I know you don’t get it, but I love this woman.”
I pushed past Chuck to head out into the parking lot for my rental car. He followed behind me with an exasperated groan.
“This isn’t going to look good on your brand,” he said. “Think about what you’re doing here, JJ. Is she really worth all of this risk?”
I turned to look him straight in the eye as I pulled out my car keys. “Yes. I take risks every single day that could kill me. This is different, and I’m willing to take a different type of risk.”
Chapter 24
Ava
“This is a really good article, Ava. I’m impressed.”
I smiled in appreciation at Dean’s compliment as he handed the article back to me from across the booth the three of us were crammed into. I tucked it back into my leather satchel that I had brought for them to read.
“I think Jude is going to appreciate it,” Dean continued, smiling at me. “He’s always really cared for you, Ava. You know that, right?”
Emily looked at her husband with arched eyebrows. “I have a hard time believing that JJ has the ability to care about anyone besides himself.”
“He does care about other people,” I said. “I know it sounds crazy, coming from me, but I realized a lot of things about him while we were traveling together.”
“Like what?” Emily asked curiously.
I cradled my cup of coffee close to my chest to absorb the warmth. “For starters, he said that
he couldn’t ride his bike for a long time after Andy’s death. He couldn’t get the accident out of his head, either.”
“I knew that,” Dean said quietly. “He came to me a few times about it. He just couldn’t get on a bike without seeing Andy’s death in the back of his head. It fucked with him for a long time.”
“It got to all of us in different ways. Jude wasn’t any different. He tried to talk Andy out of it.”
“As compassionate as that is,” Emily said, “I just have a hard time looking past that cocky asshole part of him, you know? I feel like what he does is an insult to you and your family.”
“I used to think that, too. I really did for a long time.” I took a long and deep breath. “He made a good point to me that we all have to start moving forward with our lives. Andy wouldn’t have wanted him, or any of us, to keep lingering in the past. I didn’t want to hear that and admit that he’s right, but he’s got a point.”
“So, if you see his point, then why are you here right now?” Dean asked. “You want to move on from Andy’s death. Which is great. But it means accepting Jude’s career.”
“That’s the hard part,” I said, running a hand through my hair. “I had to let him go. I can’t watch it. And I don’t want to get in the way of the fame he deserves.”
“You deserve a man who loves you,” Emily pointed out, shaking her head. “If JJ truly cared about how you felt, then he would take a step back from the circuit. He just doesn’t want to give it up.”
“I’m not asking him to,” I added firmly. “I love my career just as much as he loves his. Sometimes, it’s just better to go separate ways. Who knows?” I shrugged. “Maybe we will meet a few years from now. You just never know what is going to happen.”
Dean motioned for the waiter to bring us the check. He held out a credit card for the waiter to take before looking back at me with a comforting smile.