by Kira Blakely
“We’re not built to last in the real world,” Ava said. “You have a lot people who are counting on you to show up to the Games.”
“I can pay them for their troubles. The arena can bite the bullet on the tickets for my show. I only get a cut of that.”
“That’s not my point. You have a successful career that is only going to get better. I’m building one for myself. Don’t you see how at odds our lives are with one another? We need to be realistic about this.”
“I am being realistic about this,” I said. “I can see us in the real world, Ava James. You’re the one who’s afraid to get close.”
Ava pulled her hands back from mine. “Do you think this is any easier on me? I want to be with you, Jude.”
“So be with me,” I snapped, reaching out to grab her by the forearms. “Stop listening to everyone’s opinion about us. Stop letting fear fuck everything up in your life.”
“I’m not letting fear fuck up my life!” Ava exclaimed, and anger flickered across her face. “That’s the entire point of what I’m doing. I’m trying to move on with my life. This wasn’t a relationship meant for the future. It was meant to exorcise the demons in both our pasts.”
I let go of Ava’s forearms with a frustrated shake of my head. It occurred to me then that coming to Gypsum to confess my feelings for Ava had been a mistake. She couldn’t let go of the past. Even when she tried.
“You know, for the longest time, everyone looked at me like I was the one who was fucked up. Like I’m the one who didn’t know how to be in a relationship. They couldn’t be more wrong about that observation.” I pointed a hard finger in her direction. “It’s you who is the really fucked up one here. Not me.”
Hurt filled Ava’s eyes. A sob escaped her lips, and she turned away from me and jogged down the road in the direction of town. I couldn’t follow her. Not this time. I had offered the ultimate sacrifice to prove that I didn’t see her as a fantasy—my beloved fucking career.
What else could she possibly need? What else could she want from me?
I stomped down in the direction of the quarry where the rest of the bikers were playing around on the hills. The smell of exhaust and dirt filled my lungs. It was comforting in an odd way as I stood there on edge to watch them.
My phone buzzed again. Not sparing it another glance, I tossed it down the side of the quarry. The screen shattered on impact in a pile of sharp rocks. Good fucking riddance.
I went back to the hotel to call the airlines to book a flight for the next morning. No need to stay around here anymore. Not that I really planned on staying in Gypsum in the first place. That image of the future was gone, and even though I had a cushion beneath my ass when it came my career, it felt fucking empty without Ava in it.
Not caring that I had to be up early in the morning to catch a flight, I stalked back down to the local bar to down the rest of my sorrows for the evening. Alcohol was poison in my family. It was the perfect dissolvent. It dissolved my family. It dissolved my childhood. I knew that one was too many. A thousand would never be enough, either. But I needed to try to kill the pain.
“Jude?”
I stopped short when I heard Dean calling out my name from across the street. He and Emily were standing at the trunk of their car, loading what appeared to be groceries. They both gave me a long and searching glance before I twisted sharply on my heel to stalk into the bar. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to either of them about Ava. Especially with Emily right there, who’d defend her best friend with everything that she had.
I took a seat at the bar after ordering Patron on the rocks. The strongest shit that I knew this bar supplied to help ease the fucking hole in my heart.
“Here you go, sir,” the bartender said. “Say, you’ve got some raw talent out there. I’ve watched your shows a few times.”
“Thank you,” I said, sipping at the Patron with a blissful sigh. “It’ll probably be ending soon, though.”
“Oh? Why?”
“Jude.”
I looked up to find Dean standing next to me at the bar. He glanced down at the glass in my hand with a frown.
“What are you doing, man?” he asked. “You know that you really shouldn’t be drinking, given…”
“That my old man is a raging drunk?” I suggested and took another large sip. “Not much of a difference between us, from what I gather.”
The frown on Dean’s face deepened as he took a seat next to me. “What’s going on? What happened this time?”
“Nothing,” I said defensively. “Why would you ask me a question like that?”
“You’re drinking alcohol, which tells me that there is something going on with you,” Dean replied. He looked up when the bartender returned. “Hi, Jack. I’ll just have a beer.”
“A shot of something,” I said.
“A beer,” Dean said, shaking his head at me. “It’s the morning, Jude. I have shit to do this afternoon.”
“I don’t. I have nothing to do this afternoon.”
“Don’t you have a show tomorrow to get to?” Dean asked. “What are you even doing here?”
I twisted around on the bar stool to look at Dean. “Let me tell you why I’m here. I flew all the way down here to tell Ava James that I’m in love with her. I told her that I wanted to be with her, and that I was going to give up everything for her. And you know what she did?”
Dean sighed heavily. “I know it’s hard to understand her perspective—”
“It’s impossible to understand her!” I exclaimed loudly. A few heads turned in our direction but I didn’t care. “I told her that I was going to give up everything to be with her. Why isn’t that enough?”
“It is more than enough, Jude. I know that it is. She’s in love with you, too.”
I scoffed at that. “She broke it off before it could even begin. Who the fuck does that?”
“It’s hard for her to look at you doing what you do. She knows just as well as I do that you can’t give up that sport, even if you try to. She’s trying to be selfless.”
“How noble of her,” I remarked dryly. “It’s nice to know that she’s been talking to you about this, instead of me.”
“I happen to live here full-time,” Dean said. “Don’t get pissy with me. I tried to tell her that it would be okay to be with you, but she’s terrified of you. That’s all it is. Give it time, and I’m sure—”
“No,” I said harshly. “No. No more giving it time. I have shit to do, so the two of us are going to go our separate ways.”
I tipped back the rest of the Patron. Dean’s eyes lingered on me in concern. I wiped at my mouth with the back of my hand.
“What? I have nothing to do today.”
“I don’t think either one of you want that.” Dean got up from the bar stool. “Let’s go across the street and get some food in your stomach before that Patron hits you.”
I yanked myself from his grasp to signal for another drink. “Let it hit me. You can either sit here, or you can go across the street to your wife.”
“Come on, man,” he groaned, sitting back down. “You know that I can’t turn away from you when you’re doing this.”
“Doing what?” I muttered darkly. “Killing some demons?”
“Killing yourself.”
“Yes. That’s exactly what the fuck I’m doing today.”
Chapter 28
Ava
My phone buzzed from somewhere inside my blankets and sheets, drawing me out of a restless sleep. Lifting my hand, I stared blearily through my still-dark room at the alarm clock next to my bed. 6:03 a.m.
“Who the fuck is calling me this early on a Saturday?” I grumbled, searching beneath my pillows to stare down at the unfamiliar number. “Hello? This is Ava James.”
“Ava.”
The sound of Chuck’s voice cut through my foggy brain and set off alarm bells. I sat up in my bed with a pounding heart.
“How the hell did you get my number?” I asked, astounded. “I ne
ver gave it to you.”
“I control all of JJ’s personal accounts,” Chuck said irritably. “Which includes his phone records.”
“Fine. Why are you calling me?”
“Where the hell is he?”
“Who?” I asked crossly. “Jude?”
“Yes, Jude. Where the fuck is he? He’s not picking up any of my phone calls.”
“I don’t know where he’s at,” I said. “He’s not with me. I sent him back to you, so you are the one who lost him. I assumed he went back to wherever you are going next.”
“He hasn’t picked up his phone since going back to that shithole of a town, and I wouldn’t be in this damn position if you’d written the article the way we talked about. I hope you realize, Ms. James, that you broke our contract. That gives me plenty of legal grounds to fucking sue for all this damn trouble you’ve placed JJ in.”
I clutched the blanket to my chest to fend off the anger that I could feel brewing inside of me. Jude had assured me that Chuck had no legal grounds to take me to court. We had no written contracts to worry about. Unease filled me still. Also knowing that Jude wasn’t picking up the phone made me nervous since he always had it on him.
“You have no grounds to sue me,” I said. “We never had a written contract.”
“We had an oral agreement. It’s a bunch of shit. It’s all about you and your personal experiences with this sport. None of it’s about JJ.”
“Jude didn’t care. He said—”
“That man is blinded by anything that opens its legs to him,” Chuck interjected nastily. “He’s a young, hot-blooded man who will fuck anything who lets him. We had an oral agreement to finish the article after the Games. You quit a few days early, so therefore, henceforth, and hitherto, expect some legal papers coming your way.”
“Fuck you, Chuck.”
“You and him better have your asses at the arena this weekend. The both of you will be sorry if either one of you doesn’t show up. I can promise.”
The call ended a second later. I tossed my phone angrily against the foot of my bed. Pushing the blankets back, I knew that there was no way in hell that I could go back to sleep now. Not with Chuck’s words ringing in my ears. Not without knowing where the hell Jude had gone to the previous night.
Don’t worry about him. You’re not supposed to care about him.
I slipped into my bathrobe with agitated movements before grabbing my phone from the foot of the bed. No matter how hard I tried to get away from this situation, something pulled me back in. I couldn’t rest until I figured out where the hell Jude had gone to after our fight yesterday, outside of the quarry.
The house was still quiet as I made my way down the stairs to start a pot of coffee. I glanced down at my phone before pulling up Jude’s phone number to scroll through our previous text messages from last week. No text messages. No phone calls. My call went straight to a voicemail box that was undoubtedly full, from Chuck trying to get ahold of him.
I texted him instead. Call me. Chuck is looking for you.
“Ava?”
My father appeared through the pale blue light of the kitchen. He frowned at me and adjusted his bathrobe when he caught sight of my anxious expression.
“What’s going on, sweetheart?” he asked. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“Jude’s missing,” I explained as he brushed by me to check on the coffee maker. “His manager just called me to ask if I knew where he was.”
“Did you check the bar?”
“That isn’t funny, Dad. I’m serious. You have no idea how much this upcoming weekend means to him. I—”
“It wasn’t a joke,” he said, turning to frown at me. “Ava, he’s a grown man. He can handle himself, I’m sure. He’s done a good job at building a life for himself. I imagine he can handle himself wherever he is.”
“This weekend is the Games. You don’t understand it, but it meant the world to him to be there. He was going to give it up for me yesterday, but I—”
My father held up a hand with a small chuckle. “Hold on, Ava. Let’s get some coffee in our systems here before you tell me what is going on. Okay? It sounds like you might need a little bit of good ole Dad’s advice.”
He reached around to grab two mugs of coffee from around me. Accepting a mug, I sat down with my father at the dining room table to tell him everything that had happened since traveling with Jude. Minus the intimate details, naturally. It still felt good to vent out everything to someone who wouldn’t twist my words around or manipulate the situation.
“So, his manager is threatening to sue me because I didn’t finish the article,” I said, sipping at my coffee. “And I have no idea where Jude is, either. He can’t do that. Right, Dad?”
“Absolutely not, to you at least,” he said. “Now, it’d be different with JJ, though. I imagine there are actual contracts involved with him and this manager of his.”
“There are contracts. I’m sure of it. You can’t just fire a manager like that without having some legal grounds?”
“Right,” my father said, nodding. “How do you feel about him in all honesty, Ava?”
I traced the wood grain patterns on the table top to avoid my father’s eyes. “I know it’s probably hard for you to believe, but I do love him. There’s just something about him that I can’t get past. It’s hard to explain.”
“A connection?”
“Yes,” I said and looked up when he nodded in understanding. “That’s exactly what it feels like. No matter where I go or what I do, I always feel this type of tug for him. I don’t know what it is.”
My father ran a hand through his sleep messy hair with a sigh. He got up to grab the coffee pot to fill both our cups again before settling down in the chair across from me.
“I didn’t want to admit this back then, but I knew that the two of you were going to end up together someday,” he said. “I just didn’t want to think it would happen, given the past with Andy. I can see that the man loves you back.”
“He does,” I said, voice quivering with emotion. “I know that he does because he told me. He came all the way from Chicago to give up his entire career for me, but I couldn’t return it. I couldn’t deal with that burden.”
“It’s not a bad thing to give up things for people, sweetheart. That’s what love is. It’s not a burden. Love is giving up a little and filling that gap up with as much love as you can.”
I wiped at my eyes when I felt the tears there coat my eyelashes. “I’m surprised that you aren’t wanting to throttle me for feeling this way toward him. You threatened to kick his ass a few times.”
“As much as I didn’t like hearing what you had to say the other day, he’s right about needing to move on from the past.” My father smiled thinly at me as he reached across the table to grasp my hand. “If he makes you happy, then I will support you with whatever you decide to do. I won’t lose another child because I can’t understand what they want.”
I smiled at him gratefully.
“Thank you,” I said, clasping his hand back. “I need to get to Chicago to find Jude. I have a feeling that he went there for the Games. They start in a few hours.”
My father sighed at that. “Well, hurry it up, then. I’ll drive you to the airport in my bathrobe, if necessary.”
Three hours later, I landed in Chicago after several attempts at calling Jude’s phone. They all went to a full voicemail. None of my texts were going through, either.
I hailed a cab at the curbside of the terminal. “To the Games,” I said, pulling out a hundred-dollar bill that my father insisted I take for the cab fare. “I don’t care what laws you break. It’s urgent that we get there before they start.”
The cab driver twisted around in the seat to gaze at me in astonishment. “You understand that the traffic is going to be fucking nuts all the way there, lady?”
“I know that,” I said shortly. “Just go.”
“Not to mention parking—”
I pulled out the press past that Jude had given me back in Las Vegas for the Games. I dangled it in the cab driver’s face. “This is how you’re going to get in with no resistance. I promise you.”
“Buckle your seatbelt,” he said, putting the cab into drive. “I’ll get us through this traffic as best as I can without getting either one of us killed.”
I held on to the edge of my seat as we spent the next twenty minutes weaving in and out of traffic. The arena in Chicago was easily the largest one on the outskirts of the city. I stared at the massive parking lot full of cars, buses, and trailers in awe. I directed the cab driver around to the private side, where I could flash my backstage press pass at the security guard at the checkpoint.
The sound of dirt bikes filled the air as I hopped out of the cab to grab my duffle bag. I tossed the hundred with a hasty thank you before rushing in through the entrance for the press. I had to find Jude before he took to the arena. I had to find him before he got on that bike. I had this terrible feeling welling in the pit of my stomach that something wasn’t right.
Chapter 29
Jude
I retched into the garbage can outside of the arena. The Games were well on their way already but judging from how many fans were strolling about the parking lot, I wasn’t too late. I still had plenty of time to find my bus to shower. To sober the fuck up after a night hitting the bars in downtown Chicago.
It felt liberating to not be tied down to a phone. No one could call me. I couldn’t call anyone. I barely managed to find a hotel last night. Some shitty ass hotel that smelled disgusting when I got up to stare in confusion at the nasty yellow wallpaper.
Wiping my mouth clean, I kept my head bowed down with my hood up to keep my identity a secret. The last thing I wanted was a fan poking their cell phone in my face to take a picture of me hungover. I managed to find the bus, empty of Chuck and my team, and took a hot shower. I stared blearily into the foggy mirror as I half-ass styled my hair, since I would be pulling on a helmet anyway.