The Healer: First Touch

by Amy Clapp

  Varick turned, facing me. "Feeling better? A little warmer now?" The fire made his face glow golden orange, his eyes still bright.

  I nodded, pulling my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them.

  Varick smiled. "You're tired. You should go to bed."

  "No, I'm not," I protested. A long yawn unexpectedly followed.

  Varick chuckled. "Sure, you're not tired."

  I was tired. The events of the day had exhausted me, and it was late. However, like a young child, I didn't want to go bed....not yet.

  "Why don't you at least lie down? You don't have to go to sleep."

  I gave Varick a tired smile. That did sound appealing. I looked around the small room nervously. Where would we both sleep? But I needn't have worried. Varick had worked it out already.

  "You can have my bed. I'll sleep on the couch."

  I yawned again, covering my mouth with my hand this time. I stood up and folded the afghan neatly over the wooden rocking chair. Varick walked over to his makeshift bedroom and drew back the heavy curtain. His bed looked soft and inviting. My cheeks flushed again as I realized I would be sleeping in his bed. Him. Varick. I turned to look at Varick to see if he noticed my blushing. He didn't. He was bent down, poking at the fire.

  I walked over to Varick's bed and slipped out of my sweater. I folded it and placed it on top of some books Varick had set on his dresser. My angel's wings glittered and sparkled in the glow of the lantern that was still lit on the nightstand. I unpinned it from my sweater and repinned it to my tank top.

  "You like the pin. I'm glad." Varick's voice was soft. He was watching me, an amused smile across his lips.

  I caressed the pin gently with my fingertips, feeling the rough stones with my fingers. "Yes, I do," I replied, just as softly. "It reminds me of you." I looked up at Varick, trying to gauge his reaction.

  His smile widened his teeth white in the orange glow of the fire. "Good. That's the idea." His eyes sparkled like deep blue sapphires.

  My breath caught in my throat again as I felt my cheeks heat up with embarrassment. I turned away quickly, heading towards the bed. The quilt covering Varick's bed was made of colorful squares all patched together, each square a different design. It was thick and obviously handmade. And it was beautiful. Someone obviously spent a lot of time on the artwork covering the bed. I gently rubbed my hand over it.

  "Oma made that for me a long time ago. A thank you present, I guess."

  I looked at Varick, raising my eyebrows with curiosity. He shrugged in response. Glancing at the quilt again, I could see Oma's handiwork clearly now. Each of the beds at home had a quilt similar to the one gracing Varick's bed. Mine was pink and orange.

  I pulled the quilt back, exposing white cotton sheets. At the sight of the sheets, I yawned again, finally accepting that I really was tired. I climbed into the bed, pulled the sheets and quilt around me, and turned onto my side so I was facing Varick. Varick stood by the fire, his hands on his hips, watching me. Placing my hand under my chin, I raised myself up on my elbow.

  "So this is it. This is where you live. I mean when you're not out saving my life from evil demented creatures, you're here."

  Varick chuckled. "Yep, I guess you could say that."

  "I like it here. It's cozy." My voice sounded drowsy, drugged with fatigue.

  "It is cozy. I like it too."

  "Don't you ever get lonely?"

  Varick turned towards the fire. He placed his hands on the stone mantle, facing the orange and yellow flames. "Not usually. I try to stay busy. But actually I don't mind being alone."

  "Busy. Reading?"

  "Yes, I read a lot. But I also watched you, just to make sure you were alright. And to see if you had discovered your power." He poked and prodded at the fire, sending sparks up the chimney.

  "Like that day in the forest when I was running?"

  "Yes," Varick answered, leaning the poker up against the stones of the fireplace. "But, I hadn't meant for you to see me. Not then anyway." Varick stared into the fire.

  "Why?"

  Varick didn't answer at first. I saw his shoulders lift in a small shrug. "I don't know really," he finally admitted, turning to face me. "I guess I wasn't really ready for all this either, kind of like Oma."

  He used Oma's name so comfortably, so easily. It made me wonder how often he had been in contact with the woman who had cared for me and loved me. But, the other part of his statement scared me. I felt my blood run cold through my veins. "Not ready? For what? Fighting the Fury for me?" My words were stilted as I stuttered them. I shivered with fear.

  Varick left his place at the fire and came over to the bed. He sat down next to me and pulled the quilt up closer around me, an obvious reaction to my shivering.

  "No, no, no. I'm ready for that. I've always been ready for that." His eyes were intense, his face serious. I sat up, the quilts falling around my waist. I placed my hands in my lap, wrapping them together.

  "Then what were you not ready for?" I whispered, afraid of the answer he would give. I looked down at my hands not wanting to stare into his piercing blue eyes.

  Very gently, Varick placed his hand under my chin, lifting my face to meet his. His eyes stared into mine, searching. "I wasn't ready for this. For you. I wasn't ready for actually having contact with you...like this. I've been watching you from afar your entire life. I have stayed awake at night wondering what it would be like to talk to you, to touch you. You've consumed all of me for so long." He hesitated, his eyes still searching mine. The blueness of them seemed brighter. "I feared the feelings I had for you."

  I swallowed hard, my mouth suddenly feeling like it was stuffed with cotton. "What do you mean?"

  Varick dropped his hand from my chin. He stood, turning his back away from me. Shaking his head slightly, he mumbled, "Nothing. Just never mind. I shouldn't be telling you this."

  I looked down at my hands and picked at the skin on my thumb. Biting my lip, I quietly asked, "Why can't you tell me?" My heart was hammering in my chest, my stomach fluttering with nervousness. I no longer felt tired.

  Varick turned, coming back to sit on the bed, facing me. His face was serious again, stone like, the only movement when his jaw flexed. I peeked at him through my eyelashes.

  "Shatal telepic montkay zatzalup nomay. Zot schume mia hetalp," Varick whispered, extending his hand toward me. "Amolay polt ricaly." I placed my hand in his. He closed his fingers around my hand. Savoring the prickly sensation playing up my arm, I closed my eyes. "Zot shume mia hetalp," he whispered, the words tickling my ears. I felt a softness caress the top of my hand, brushing over my skin. I opened my eyes to see Varick taking my hand from his lips.

  "Your words are beautiful. What did you say?"

  Varick leaned closer to me, his face merely inches from mine. Bringing his hand and mine up to his chest, he flattened my hand against his heart. His heart beat was strong, steady, pulsing underneath my hand. My breath came fast and shallow. Varick stared at me. "You have my heart." I glanced up at his face as he spoke. He didn't move. "Now and forever."

  My breath was still fast, my heart hammering in my chest. I was beginning to feel dizzy, my head spinning from the intensity of Varick's stare and words. My hand began to feel very warm up against Varick's heart. The warmth filled my hand, traveling up my arm until it spread over my own chest, settling around my heart. Gasping lightly, I felt my heart warm, the beats slowing until the pulsing matched Varick's. We sat there on Varick's bed, our hearts pounding the same steady rhythm. I realized how truly connected we were to each other. I looked at Varick, my emotions overwhelmed with the magnitude of my discovery.

  "Varick...," I whispered.

  "Zot shume mia hetalp," he whispered back, pressing my hand harder to his chest. "Zot shume mia hetalp."

  "Zot shume mia hetalp," I repeated as best as I could.

  Smiling lightly, Varick repeated, "Zot shume mia hetalp. You have my heart."

  "You....have....my....heart."


  We sat staring at each other, neither of us moving, just our two hearts beating in unison with each other. My breath slowed so that it too was steady and even. As my heart warmed with the heat of Varick's heart, the ache belonging to Jamie dulled so that I almost forgot it was there. In fact, there was nothing else for me at this moment. Just Varick, me, and the beating of our hearts.

  I don't know how much time had passed as we sat there on Varick's bed together. But eventually he spoke. "Jacey?"

  "Yes," I murmured in response.

  "Are you alright?" Varick tilted his head slightly, assessing me.

  "Yes, I am." My voice wavered slightly. Varick held my hand over his heart, rubbing his thumbs over the top of it. "Just a little overwhelmed I think."

  Varick smiled. I felt very warm, my skin almost burning as if I had been out in the sun too long without sunscreen. I wondered if it was the heat of the fire warming the little home, or the heat brought on by Varick's intensity.

  "I'm sorry for that. I really didn't mean to share all that with you."

  I attempted to smile back at him. A weak, exhausted smile. As Varick released my hand, the warmth surrounding my heart lifted and cleared.

  "Thank you for sharing that with me." I couldn't begin to describe the feelings assaulting my heart and mind. I was disappointed with my words.

  Varick's smile widened, his eyes full of amusement. "Jacey, I think you've had enough for one day. I can feel the turmoil within your body." His smile turned into a frown, his eyes changing with it. "That's why I shouldn't have shared my feelings with you. It's too much too soon. I knew that." Varick stood. Lifting the quilt a bit, he coaxed me into laying down and brought the quilt around me again.

  "But, Varick, I'm really not tired," I protested.

  "Yes, you are. I can feel that too." When he was apparently satisfied that I was sufficiently swaddled with the quilt, he blew out the lantern next to me and walked back to the stone fireplace, to the stack of logs next to the hearth. I watched, turning back onto my side, my hands resting under the side of my face. He picked up a log with each hand and gently placed each on the fire. More sparks flared up the chimney as the fire protested the new logs. The fire grew brighter and hotter as the flames consumed the new dry logs placed by Varick. He stood, wiping his hands across his jeans and stared at the flames.

  I also turned my attention to the blaze. The orange and yellow flames swayed and danced to the snapping and crackling of the logs. My eyes became heavy and I struggled to keep them open as I stared at the hypnotic movement. Varick had moved away from the fire, settling in the overstuffed chair next to the fire, but across from where I was laying.

  "Salootea mitayo," Varick whispered from across the room. "Mia helsoka."

  Sighing, I relished Varick's words, allowing his rich, deep voice to blanket me. The strange but beautiful language sounded like a lullaby. "What did you say that time?" I asked quietly.

  "Sleep peacefully....my Healer." Varick was leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees, his hands folded under his chin. He appeared to be keeping watch over me, ensuring that I indeed slept peacefully. My eyes grew heavier with fatigue. I blinked, desperately trying to keep them open.

  "Varick?" I mumbled.

  "Yes, mia helsoka?"

  Smiling drowsily, I said. "Tell me more about you. I feel like you know so much about me but you are still a stranger to me." My words slurred as I fought the onslaught of sleep overtaking me.

  "Shh," Varick hushed quietly. "Another time. You need to sleep."

  "Please Varick."

  Varick took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as the corner of his mouth lifted into a half-smile. "Okay. Maybe just a little...that is until you fall asleep. But I'm not a stranger."

  I smiled, settling myself deeper into Varick's bed. Through half- opened eyes, I saw Varick lean back in his chair, resting his hands across his stomach.

  "Tell me more about how you came to find me, how you were created. What do you call it?"

  "Salidites?"

  "Yes, Salidites. And your language. Tell me about that too." A yawn escaped with my last word. I made no attempt to cover or stifle it.

  Varick's eyebrows rose with astonishment, his mouth also raising into a smile. "So many questions." He laughed softly. "Let's start with an easy one. Let's see...my language. My language is actually your language too. It is the language of the Healer. In time, you will begin to understand it."

  "What's it called?"

  "Heltalkic."

  "Heltalkic," I repeated slowly. "When you Salidited, could you speak both languages, your language and English?" I yawned again.

  Varick's smile widened at my use of his word for his birthing process. "No. I was only born with the ability to speak Heltalkic. I had to learn English."

  "How?"

  "I learned with you, the same way you did. Listening to others."

  "Oh."

  Varick continued slowly, softly. He described how he started life. His first memory was taking his first breath, his new lungs burning with oxygen and his young heart beating to the rhythm of another brand new heart, small and fast. He described that as his lungs burned, adjusting and filling with air, he heard a cry, a high-pitched wail echoing in his ears. Tenderness crossed his face, as he described the sound that reverberated in his ears and to the very core of his soul.

  "It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard, even to this day." Varick's attention turned to me, his face serious and intense. "Do you know what that sound was?"

  I caught my lip between my teeth. Varick didn't wait for a response.

  "It was you, your new born cry. With that cry, I knew who I was, what my purpose was, and what I had to do. With your cry, I felt an overwhelming desire to protect you. Nothing was more important. Not food. Not sleep. Not shelter. Only you and my need to protect you."

  "Varick..."

  "That hasn't changed Jacey. That feeling still exists. In fact, if it's possible, it's become more intense, as you've grown and aged. I never thought it would change into something...more."

  Varick watched as I struggled to stay awake. He sat up in the chair and closed his eyes. His body shuddered as he sent his warm calmness to settle over me. The quilt over me became thicker and heavier. All the confused feelings that had been aroused by both Varick and Jamie vanished replaced by calm.

  "Hey, that's not fair," I protested weakly, finally succumbing to fatigue.

  Varick laughed softly. "Salootea mitayo."

  I buried my face in Varick's pillow, filling my lungs with the clean, autumn scent. I smiled drowsily. It was Varick's scent. I drifted into slumber, my body relaxing in the soft sheets. As the darkness of sleep overcame my consciousness, I heard Varick whisper. "Mia Helsoka."

  My Healer.

  -Sixteen-

  My eyes flew open. I frantically looked around, trying to recognize my surroundings. My forehead was slick with sweat. My hair was damp and clung to my face. A small sob escaped as I sat up, bringing my hand to my heart.

  "Jacey? Are you alright?" I turned to see Varick, jump up from the chair he had slept in. In a few quick steps, he was at my side, sitting across from me on the bed. He began to rub my arms briskly.

  "Varick," I wailed, a tear falling down my cheek. "Oh, Varick."

  "Jacey, what is it?" Varick's voice was thick with concern, his eyes anxiously searching my face.

  Tears fell down my cheeks as I clutched desperately at my heart. Varick's hands felt warm on my bare skin as he rubbed my arms to console me.

  "Varick, it was awful, just terrible."

  "What was? Tell me," Varick said softly.

  I shook my head, not wanting to recall the horrifying experience.

  "Was it the Fury?" Varick asked, trying to capture my eyes with his own.

  My head snapped back, facing him, my eyes wide with fear.

  "Yes," I breathed, tears still making wet tracks down my cheeks. I stared at him, desperate for him to help me, to protect
me.

  "Tell me, Jacey. Tell me what you saw in your dream."

  I shook my head back and forth violently. "No, no, no, no."

  Varick cupped my face between his palms, keeping it still. His eyes focused on my own.

  "Jacey, please. I can't help you unless you tell me what you saw."

  "Oh, Varick, it was the Fury," I moaned. "It started as the boy with yellow eyes. He was chasing me, hissing and snarling the entire time." I began to shake as I recalled my nightmare. "I was so scared. I couldn't find you. I was all alone," I whispered, searching his eyes desperately.

  Varick never blinked. He kept his hands securely around my face, gently rubbing his thumbs across my cheeks. "I'm here Jacey. I'm here now," Varick's voice was low, soothing.

  "I was running through a dark forest. So many trees everywhere." Varick used his thumb to wipe a single tear from my face. He nodded his head ever so slightly in encouragement. "I just ran as fast as I could, which wasn't fast enough. It changed from the strange boy into a big black dog with sharp yellow teeth snarling at me."

  "I tried running from the dog, but I tripped and hurt my ankle. I couldn't move but the dog kept coming, with its hateful yellow eyes." I still shook uncontrollably.

  "And then I found you," I wailed, my eyes growing wide with fear and anxiety.

  "Where? Where did you find me, Jacey?"

  "Your body was at the feet of the dog. It had you," I sobbed again, my voice catching. "And I was all alone." My chest heaved with emotion.

  "Jacey, look at me," Varick demanded. "That is not going to happen. Do you understand me? I will never leave you alone. Ever."

  Varick's deep blue eyes were sharp. He stared at me with a hard look to convince me. But the dream was so real. It was difficult to shake the images from my mind, even under Varick's intense glare.

  Varick's eyes searched mine. Scrunching his eyebrows together, Varick repeated himself, "Do you understand me, Jacey? Not ever."

  My head jerked with an awkward nod and the shaking of my body lessened. I took a couple of deep breaths, attempting to calm the anxiety from my dream.