An Ideal Wife

by Sanjay Grover

  After crossing the road she blessed him with all her heart but he was too lost in his thoughts to respond and ran towards his car. And just then Jimmy began to ring.

  ‘Where have you reached?’

  ‘Just reaching, was helping someone cross the road,’ he replied casually while running across the road.

  ‘What? Will you just absolutely never change, you holier-than-thou do-gooder?! Are you effing insane? This could be the biggest contract in the history of this office and you are helping people cross the road? Cross your own bloody road man!’ Jimmy’s outburst was like that of a nagging harridan of a housewife. Sameer could just picture him frothing at the mouth like a rabid dog. What fun, the guy was turning into Fatty!

  ‘Nothing’s bigger than helping the elderly, my man,’ he got back in mock solemnity, even though his emotion was genuine.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Don’t waste my time, reaching in 5,’ Sameer replied as he neared his car.

  He jumped to his seat and sped on full-throttle. His sharp cuts through the traffic would have made former F1 Champion Michael Schumacher ashamed of his driving skills. Without wasting much time his hands once again started working on the presentation on the iPad.

  Slide after slide kept rolling as Sameer made the presentation to the international client in the biggest conference room of his office at Andheri West (a western suburb of Mumbai). Though it was the biggest yet the conference room was packed to the hilt. The nervousness of landing a contract with their biggest ever client was evident on everyone’s face.

  True to his habit of scanning occupants of the conference room while making a presentation, Sameer turned his head to look at everyone and smiled to see Fatty chewing off his nails.

  In between he also glanced through to gauge the client’s reaction to his advertising plan for the famous instant noodles ‘Shaggy Noodles’.

  ‘Teenage boys will most certainly grin upon hearing the name,’ he chuckled thinking about it. ‘I would love to meet the geniuses, who came up with this brilliant name,’ Sameer smiled.

  ‘Impressive! Impressive!’ The client shouted excitedly as soon as Sameer finished the presentation.

  Everyone from the agency beamed. Sameer knew the presentation would go well but the client’s response surpassed his own expectations.

  No points for guessing that Fatty had an ear-to-ear smile on his face contemplating the top line growth for the company along with the profits he was going to get in this quarter.

  ‘I am glad we listened to you and gave your agency a chance to ideate for this campaign,’ the client said to Sameer. Sameer’s boss was still not sure what had happened and he just kept smiling like a buffoon.

  ‘We would like you to design the entire final campaign without making any changes to your current presentation,’ the client addressed Sameer’s boss

  ‘Sure, sure,’ Fatty nodded his head like an obedient dog.

  ‘But,’ the client paused for a second.

  Fatty’s heart sank hearing the ‘But’, and funnily his big butt seemed to sag too. The entire team also froze.

  The client continued, ‘It’s a ? 200 crore campaign so we want Sameer to only focus on our campaign during this time.’

  This was like music to Fatty’s ears. ‘Your wish is my command, consider it done,’ he replied with a flourish.

  Sameer looked at his boss with surprise, as he had to deliver two more presentations to other clients in a couple of days. But Fatty only winked at him, signaling to him to hold his peace.

  The client shook hands with the entire team and left the conference room along with Fatty. Everyone came in a huddle to congratulate Sameer.

  ‘When should we come to your office?’ Fatty enquired of the client as they moved closer to the office main door.

  ‘For what?’ The client replied, looking confused.

  ‘Oh god, yahan bhulvane kee nahin rakkhi,’ Fatty murmured.

  The client just kept staring at Fatty.

  ‘For signing the contract, sir,’ Fatty clarified while keeping his fingers crossed.

  The client looked around and saw Sameer’s smiling face through the glass door of conference room.

  ‘4pm tomorrow, and please bring Sameer along. I would like to introduce him to my team,’ the client requested; rather instructed.

  ‘Sure, sir,’ Fatty replied, struggling to suppress his happiness.

  After dropping the client to the door, Fatty walked back to the conference room.

  ‘Sameer, dil toh kar raha tha apne hathon se tumhara gala daba dun,’ Fatty announced as he entered the room.

  Sameer gave him his trademark ‘What the fuck?’look.

  ‘But with the same very hands, I congratulate you on this huge success.’

  ‘Thanks sir, lekin maine agle do din mein jo do murge faasne they unka kya?’ he enquired even though he knew the answer.

  ‘Don’t worry about them; I think Jimmy can handle them, right Jimmy?’ Boss said, pointing at Jimmy.

  ‘Piece of cake sir, piece of cake,’ Jimmy assured.

  Sameer wondered if he was the same Jimmy who’d left numerous frantic messages on his voicemail in the morning.

  ‘Sameer, here is a surprise for you,’ Fatty continued.

  Everyone paused, their ears and eyes glued to the boss.

  ‘I hereby promote you to the position of Creative Head of this agency.’

  Sameer was flabbergasted, staring speechless at his boss.

  ‘Aren’t you happy?’ Fatty asked, puzzled.

  ‘No, sir.’

  ‘What?’ Fatty almost fainted with shock.

  ‘No, sir, I mean, yes sir, thank you, sir,’ Sameer was still a stuttering fool.

  Everyone broke into loud applause, congratulating Sameer on yet another accomplishment.

  ‘But sir, everyone here has worked passionately for this project,’ Sameer said, fulfilling his team-member obligations.

  ‘Don’t worry, the entire team will get 50% bonus in this quarter,’ Fatty said excitedly without wasting a second.

  This announcement brought huge smiles on everyone’s face and they all screamed in unison ‘Sameer, Party……Party……Party’

  Loud Bollywood remix music created an energetic atmosphere at a much talked about discotheque at Worli, which had more than 500 guests present at 10:30pm (too early for a nightclub). It was an absolutely charged, throbbing nightclub, with one of the city’s largest dance floors.

  Each night they would play a crazy selection of music, especially live mixes by famous DJs through a powerful PA system. Today it was the turn of Bollywood remixed with regional songs. The DJ was doing an exceptional job at remixing, triggering everyone to hit the dance floor.

  On the other side of the dance floor, bartenders were busy mixing deadly concoctions. One of them was showing his juggling skills with four fire bottles. I bet many of the agency staff were ready to trade their corporate jobs with the juggler as he was getting more girl attention than any other hunk in the nightclub.

  For them the party started with a bang as the DJ agreed to play their favourite number and it took them merely 10 seconds to hit the dance floor. After dancing, just for his colleagues’ sake, Sameer decided to crash on the couch with another Amstel Light beer. It was fun to watch his male colleagues hitting on girls shamelessly. No different was the story with his female colleagues as they were able to easily extract free drinks from desperate men seeking ‘benefits’ in return.

  After a while, many of his colleagues asked him to join them on the dance floor but he refused, firm as a rock.

  ‘This guy is quite different,’ said one of the girls.

  ‘I have never seen him hitting on any girl,’ Jimmy spoke amusedly.

  ‘Is he interested in something else?’ Another girl added a new dimension to the discussion by pointing towards a gay man on the floor.

  Everyone burst into laughter but Sameer decided to stay cool. They continued poking fun at him but he just continued to
guzzle more Amstel Lights. After sometime, they all got tired and came back to the lounge area where Sameer was still enjoying his beer.

  ‘You are the thickest skinned person I have met,’ vented one of the girls.

  ‘Thank you,’ Sameer replied with a gentle smile.

  ‘Are you sure your tool is in place?’ Another girl inquired.

  Everyone in the group started laughing.

  ‘Shut up guys, I am serious,’ she spoke with genuine concern in her voice.

  ‘Oh I didn’t know that I had to be cheap and grope-y to prove I’m a man,’ sarcasm was clear in Sameer’s tone.

  Sameer looked around and saw sly smiles exchanged between his colleagues.

  ‘If I want to, I can dance with any girl in this nightclub,’ Sameer sprang like a wounded tiger as soon as his manhood was challenged.

  Everyone looked at each other and started laughing again.

  ‘I am not kidding you losers! Wanna bet?’ Sameer’s male ego took over his sensibilities; or perhaps it was the optimum dose of Amstel Lights that was talking.

  The moment they heard those golden words from his mouth they looked at each other and shouted in unison, ‘Jimmy!!!!’

  Jimmy, who was coming towards them, dropped his drinks right where he was.

  ‘Jimmy bete, teri toh lag gayi! Here you lose another one; they always find a way for you to lose money. Now what?’ Jimmy murmured.

  He walked slowly towards them, with absolutely no knowledge of the group’s conversation challenging Sameer’s manhood. He took an empty seat right opposite Sameer, pulled out a few 1000-rupee notes from his wallet and put them on the table.

  ‘Here you go,’ his dejected tone was testimony to how habitual it was for him to lose bets to Sameer.

  ‘What is this?’ Inquired one of the colleagues.

  ‘This time I am not prepared to lose any more, so just take it without any bet,’ Jimmy responded.

  Sameer smiled at Jimmy and the rest of the group triumphantly. Not liking the whole situation, one of the girls picked up the money and put it back in Jimmy’s pocket. Jimmy just looked at her with a big question mark on his face.

  ‘You are not going to lose this one, trust me on this,’ she said firmly.

  ‘And it’s the right time to take revenge for all your losses,’ another colleague added the usual masala.

  Jimmy was still confused.

  ‘Sameer and a girl! Have you ever seen him with one?’ Probed another one.

  Jimmy’s entire face answered in a big NO.

  ‘But what has that got to do with the bet?’ Jimmy was still perplexed.

  And then once he heard it all, he just couldn’t believe his luck. He started looking around but wasn’t able to find anyone suitable to throw a challenge at Sameer. After struggling for a few more minutes his eyes lit up as he saw an extremely beautiful girl entering the club with two hulks. Sameer could not see her, as he was looking to the other side.

  ‘What if you are unable to dance with a girl?’ Jimmy asked, controlling his face from breaking into an impish grin, making sure Sameer doesn’t get any hint of what’s cooking in his head.

  ‘I’m ready to bet a lakh, buddy,’ Sameer’s beer could talk really big.

  ‘One lakh!’ Jimmy was astonished.

  ‘Kyon phat gayi bete?’ Sameer taunted.

  Jimmy was speechless and looked at Sameer who winked and took another large gulp of his beer, literally busting at the seams, his chest swollen proudly.

  Jimmy thought for a few seconds, looked at the beautiful girl again, reassured himself and then smiled cunningly.

  ‘Done! There is your dancing partner,’ he said pointing towards the same girl who had just entered the club with the hulks.

  An overconfident Sameer polished off his beer, winked at Jimmy, looked at the other colleagues with arrogance and then turned back to see who was the lucky one. His jaws dropped seeing the beauty of the girl. He kept looking with eyes wide open, thinking of a suitable way to approach the stunner. Right then one of the hulks (twice his size) offered her a drink.

  ‘Jimmy beta aaj sahi game khel gaya, Sameer,’ he murmured to himself, gulping a little nervously.

  He looked back at his colleagues and they were all looking at him as if it was his last day on earth. Sameer gathered all the courage in the world and gave himself a mental ‘Bum pe laat’.

  He got up and slowly walked towards the girl while occasionally looking back at his evil colleagues. As soon as he reached closer to the target, another hulk came near her. Sameer imagined that the man had thrown a punch at him and he was trying to protect his face covering it with his hands. He turned back and realised his friends were laughing and booing him. He pumped himself again, murmuring, ‘Sameer, you have never lost a bet in your life and you can’t lose this one,’ and slowly walked up to the girl.

  ‘How much is the bet?’ The girl asked before Sameer could utter a word.

  A stunned Sameer stood as still as a mannequin.

  ‘Hello,’ she snapped her fingers.

  Sameer was still lost in his thoughts.

  ‘Don’t waste my time, just fish,’ she taunted his dumbstruck silence.

  ‘One lakh,’ Sameer said, gathering his wits about him.

  ‘25 grand will be mine,’ she offered him a glass of wine.

  ‘Sure, but the bet is to dance with me,’ Sameer replied after accepting the glass.

  ‘That would be another 25 grand then,’ she upped the fee.

  ‘Done!’ Sameer conceded.

  ‘But I must tell you, you are such a bitch,’ Sameer spoke with a tinge of sarcasm.

  ‘That’s my work darling…here is my card, if you ever need me just call,’ she smiled and winked as she handed him the card of a premium escort service.

  Sameer took the card with an even bigger smile, turned towards his friends and raised his wine glass. Everyone was stunned to see what had just happened without knowing the real deal.

  ‘Sameer is damn lucky, man!’ Said one colleague.

  ‘No man, I think this guy here is the unluckiest person ever!’ Another colleague pointed towards Jimmy, laughing. ‘Not sure how Jimmy manages to lose even sure shot wins,’ she said with mock lament.

  Sameer could not hear what they were saying but he could easily understand everything by just looking at Jimmy’s stunned face. Without wasting time Sameer steered the beautiful girl to the dance floor with a huge smile on his face.

  They started dancing and after a while she whispered in his ear, ‘Who is the lucky one today?’ Sameer smiled and pointed towards Jimmy.

  She also smiled, went to Jimmy and dragged him to the dance floor. Jimmy was still unable to understand how it had all happened. All their colleagues also joined them on the dance floor. Not sure how the DJ read the situation so well, but he played ‘Panuti, he is such a loser’ song from the film ‘Housefull’. They all burst into laughter hearing the song but Jimmy was too shocked to even react. The beautiful girl tried to cheer him up by dancing close to him. It worked like a charm and brought a huge smile to Jimmy’s face.

  2

  The world famous bet

  Days were passing as normally as they could. The ‘Shaggy Noodles’ client was more than happy with the campaign. Sameer was surprised to see the sales figure of ‘Shaggy Noodles’, which surpassed his projections. Sometimes, he wondered how we, the Indians, have evolved over the years. He couldn’t help but smile thinking, ‘Who could have thought of a noodle named Shaggy when we were growing up?’

  The Shaggy Noodles account turned out to be the biggest mouthpiece for their agency — even more so than the staff of the agency. They got several clients thanks to his recommendations. As business grew, all his teammates started getting handsome salaries and bonuses.

  During the same time, Sameer showed his considerate side to his colleagues in office; helping them finish work within deadlines and with efficiency. People on the road felt his warmth too. He helped many elderly people along
the way. His society kids were the happiest lot as he continued to give them batting tips (oh, I forgot to mention that Sameer was a state-level opener).

  Surprisingly, the two other constants in his life: non-belief in God and his penchant for placing bets didn’t change. He believed only weak people talk about destiny and God. The stronger ones make their own destiny with their hard work and intelligence. He had never lost a bet in his life and sometimes, contrary to his show of confidence, he did get worried about the Law of Averages catching up with him.

  One other constant in his life was weekend parties at his house. As most of his colleagues started getting married, the numbers at his parties started dwindling. Though he didn’t like it, he had no control over it.

  During one such party at his place, the unthinkable happened. It was the first such party where his colleagues came without their significant others. All were having good fun and they started sharing how their lives had changed after marriage.

  ‘I wish I was still single,’ Jimmy started the topic.

  ‘I am still living like one,’ Mickey spoke excitedly.

  ‘How come?’ Neeta enquired.

  ‘She sleeps facing one side and I sleep facing the other,’ Mickey responded in a flash.

  ‘Is everything fine with your married life?’ Neeta continued to probe.

  ‘Yeah, as such everything is fine but it happens only once and that too on alternate days,’ Mickey lamented.

  Everyone laughed at Mickey’s rather candid admission. It was his drinks that were doing the talking.

  ‘What?’ Probed Sheena.

  ‘Not sure if she is really dumb or acting like one,’ thought Sameer.

  ‘Are you sure you are married?’ Mickey asked with a question mark on his face.

  Sheena felt embarrassed, as she understood that Mickey was talking about sex.

  ‘Everyone can’t be a sex maniac like you, Mickey,’ Meetu spoke in between to shift focus from Sheena’s embarrassment.