An Ideal Wife

by Sanjay Grover

  ‘Weren’t you before your marriage?’ Mickey retorted.

  Everyone started laughing again and Meetu looked uncomfortable with this self-inflicted embarrassment.

  ‘Everyone, let’s just eat the pizzas, they are getting cold,’ Sameer steered them away from the awkward discussion.

  He could easily see the relief in Meetu’s eyes as everyone went to grab their slices.

  ‘Thanks,’ Meetu mouthed.

  Sameer nodded with a reassuring smile.

  ‘When are you getting married Sameer?’ Jimmy came up with this unexpected one.

  ‘How did my shaadi plans come into the picture?’ Sameer spoke with genuine surprise in his voice.

  ‘Picture? What picture? Who’s making the picture? I also want to act in it,’ an inebriated Mickey (another drink in his hands) was heard from a far corner.

  ‘Nothing man, just be careful! You might drop your drink,’ Sameer chided.

  ‘Don’t change the topic,’ said Sheena.

  ‘I am not in any hurry,’ Sameer replied.

  ‘You are like already 29, man,’ Jimmy re-entered the discussion.

  ‘Last I checked it wasn’t a crime in Mumbai to be unmarried at 29. By the way, why are we discussing this topic?’ Sameer was a little hot under the collar now.

  ‘Nothing doing, we want an answer,’ Neetu demanded.

  ‘With stories of your married lives, I feel I am better off as a bachelor,’ Sameer raised hands in surrender, anticipating verbal attack from his friends.

  ‘At last, the great Sameer fears something,’ Jimmy teased him instead. Seemed like this was more a topic of mirth than argument.

  ‘It’s not like that…’

  ‘Then please explain what it is like,’ Sheena stressed each word to convey that they really wanted to make him squirm.

  ‘I will most certainly get married…’ Sameer replied.

  ‘But when?’ Neeta just wouldn’t let it rest.

  ‘When I find my ideal wife!’ Sameer replied quick, and clearly without any thought to what reaction that statement would provoke.

  The explosion of laughter from the guests took Sameer by surprise. Was this a joke to them? Even Mickey was laughing behind his glass of bitters.

  ‘Jai ho gurudev,’ Mickey bowed in obeisance.

  ‘There is no such thing as an ideal wife, buddy,’ Rajesh announced.

  ‘I am sure I can find one,’ Sameer replied.

  ‘Jai ho gurudev,’ Mickey said again, touching Sameer’s feet.

  No one knew how he’d managed to get so quickly to Sameer. A few of his colleagues helped him back on the couch.

  ‘Are you crazy? How can you find one when there is none?’ Jimmy questioned.

  ‘Wanna bet?’ Challenged Sameer.

  ‘Not again,’ Jimmy was ready to back off.

  ‘Are you scared?’ Sameer teased him.

  ‘No I am not, but there just is no such thing as an ideal wife, buddy,’ Jimmy tried to reason with him, repeating what Rajesh had said.

  ‘Why don’t you admit that you are scared?’ Sameer wouldn’t let up.

  Jimmy shook his head. ‘This kid will never change,’ he thought to himself.

  ‘Okay, what are the stakes?’ Jimmy continued.

  ‘If I am able to find my ideal wife in one year then you will bear all the expenses of my wedding…what’s better, you’ll pay for the honeymoon too!’ Said Sameer.

  Jimmy was speechless.

  ‘Go ahead Jimmy, this time the axe is not going to fall on him but he is going to fall on the axe,’ Neetu said excitedly, giving Jimmy some confidence.

  ‘He has sharpened it too,’ another word of encouragement came from Rajesh.

  Jimmy was still unable to make up his mind. Sameer decided to goad him a little more.

  ‘What happened to my Tiger, shit scared or what?

  Jimmy hadn’t yet recovered from the previous losses.

  ‘Jimmy, you won’t get a better chance than this,’ Sheena joined the encouraging chorus.

  ‘What was it that you would say? It’s not the length of the gun barrel but the will of the shooter. It’s all crap,’ Sameer stressed each word to provoke a response from Jimmy.

  ‘What if you lose?’ Jimmy finally fell for Sameer’s constant goading.

  Sameer smiled seeing his trick work.

  ‘I know it won’t happen but if it does then I will take care of you and your family’s expenses for the next one year.’

  ‘Done!’ Jimmy thumped his fist on the table, sealing the deal with drunken confidence.

  Everyone started clapping and congratulating Jimmy, as if he had already won the bet.

  3

  Mission ideal wife

  Sameer’s life took a complete U-turn after the bet. He was always on mission Ideal Wife; if not physically then mentally. Earlier, he had never cared to look at girls with interest, but now every girl seemed to be a prospective bride. This caught him rather unawares too.

  He started visiting clubs, pubs, bars, jogger’s parks, etc., to meet girls. He dated many but rejected all of them. They didn’t fit his ‘ideal wife’ image — an image he had drawn based on his own expectations and after critically analysing and dissecting the experiences of his married colleagues and friends.

  Many of his rejections were on surprisingly flimsy ground bad nose, smile, teeth, etc. There were few genuine rejections as well too over possessive, rude, messy and so on.

  One day a dejected Sameer was at a bar with Jimmy.

  ‘So how’s your ‘Ideal Wife’ search coming along?’ Jimmy teased mischievously, adding lard to fire.

  ‘It’s more difficult than I thought, four months have passed by but nothing has changed,’ Sameer lamented.

  Jimmy was enjoying the moment and he didn’t want to let go the opportunity of rubbing the salt in deeper and deeper.

  ‘Arre what happened with Manvi? I really thought you’d hit a home run with her and I was about to lose the bet,’ Jimmy said.

  Sameer didn’t respond. Jimmy looked at him with a mean smile.

  ‘Spit it out buddy, spit it out, you’ll feel better,’ Jimmy’s sadism was at its peak.

  ‘One Amstel Light, boss,’ Sameer ordered another beer.

  As usual the bartender rolled the pint towards Sameer. His eyes were focused on the bottle but his lips started narrating Manvi’s story.

  One month ago

  Sameer was quite nervous; he was going to ask Manvi to be his wife! He had planned this day to perfection. His entire apartment was decorated with a million red roses, Manvi’s favourite, along with many candles. There was a special fragrance in the air. He wanted to sweep Manvi off her feet so he was dressed in a classic black dinner jacket with his hair gelled back, as Manvi always found him hot and sexy like this.

  While anxiously awaiting her arrival, he took out an expensive diamond ring from his pocket, bent down on his right knee and rehearsed proposing to Manvi. He was unsatisfied with his first attempt, so he ended up practising more than a dozen times. His eyes kept a watch on the watch as he counted every second.

  After many anxious minutes, Sameer heard the front door open. He immediately adjusted his dinner jacket and rushed towards the living room of the apartment. Manvi, without paying any attention to the flowers and candle, was putting the apartment keys on the holder placed on the high table next to the door. Sameer ran towards her and went down on his right knee with a red rose clenched in his teeth. Manvi was taken aback and before she could realise what was happening Sameer took the diamond ring out from his pocket.

  ‘Will you marry me?’ desperation was evident in Sameer’s voice.

  Manvi just kept looking at him without a word. The awkward silence in the room was making Sameer very uncomfortable as he had expected a quick and ecstatic reply. ‘Will you marry me?’ Sameer’s nervousness was at its peak.

  ‘Sameer, it’s…it’s,’ Manvi fumbled.

  Sameer continued before Manvi could complete her sentence
.

  ‘I know I know, you are not ready for marriage yet.’

  ‘No I mean…’

  ‘I am not asking you to marry me now,’ Sameer clarified.

  ‘Sameer, let me speak at least,’ Manvi sounded rather flat but Sameer didn’t register anything.

  ‘You just say yes, you are the one for me,’ Sameer sounded like a stubborn child only interested in hearing what he wanted to hear.

  ‘Sameer, just think about this; are you the one for me?’

  Sameer was flummoxed at the question. What did she mean if he was the one for her? Wasn’t he?

  ‘Sameer, I like someone else. This is what I wanted to tell you today,’ Manvi continued without blinking an eye.

  Sameer just kept looking at her.

  ‘Did you even notice that I kept the apartment keys on the key holder rather than keeping them in my handbag?’

  Manvi clarified.

  Sameer turned his head towards the holder, found her set of keys swinging like a pendulum and then he looked back at Manvi.

  ‘Do you remember what that means?’ Manvi inquired.

  Sameer just kept quiet.

  ‘Do you?’ Manvi asked again.

  ‘Yeah, if one of us ever wanted to move out of this relationship we’ll just put the keys on the holder and the other person will not even ask the reason,’ Sameer’s sadness was quite apparent.

  ‘Hope you can forgive me.’

  ‘That’s okay, I can understand,’ Sameer tried hard to cover his dejection but learnt that such situations are harder to handle than they appear.

  ‘You will always remain a good friend, right?’ Manvi spoke gently.

  Sameer didn’t say anything.

  ‘Will you?’ Manvi insisted.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘I knew, I knew you would understand me. Thanks a bunch, I am so relieved,’ Manvi spoke excitedly.

  Manvi hugged him for a few seconds and then left the house without even looking back. Sameer kept looking at the door, thinking she was just playing a prank and would walk back right in. After a while he heard a night church bell and the sound of Manvi’s car leaving the apartment complex. Like an automaton, he went to the refrigerator, took out a pint of Amstel Light and popped it open.

  Back to the Bar

  An Amstel Light cap took flight as Sameer opened the pint. He turned his head on hearing some familiar voices laugh and was surprised to see that many of his colleagues had joined them while he was narrating the story to Jimmy. Sameer wasn’t happy to hear the laughs but he knew he couldn’t do anything about it.

  ‘No issues boss, I am sure there are many other fish in the pond,’ a colleague tried to boost Sameer’s confidence.

  Sameer was still in a foul mood but did make an unsuccessful attempt to cover his unhappiness. Jimmy was thoroughly enjoying the moment and wanted it to last as long as possible, so after the laughter subsided he decided to take another dig at Sameer.

  ‘Here is a deal…you accept defeat and I will let you go with half the bet money,’ Jimmy spoke like a dealer.

  ‘I have lost a battle not the war. Be ready with the cash, I promise you, my children will be born with your money,’ Sameer said and gulped down the pint in a flash.

  Undeterred by his previous experiences Sameer intensified his efforts of finding his Ideal Wife by visiting clubs, book cafes, pubs and bars more often. Sameer also put his MBA to great use by opting for speed dating where he met scores of girls by playing musical chairs in quick time.

  Sameer enrolled himself, after reading an article in a popular newspaper that gyms are one of the best places to meet women, in yoga, pilates and spinning classes of a famous gym in Juhu. In a volte-face from his Kumbhakarna phase, Sameer’s days now started early.

  He even started attending wedding parties in Delhi, his hometown, something he had avoided like the plague until now. He knew that wedding parties in Delhi were the best matchmaking platforms in the whole of India, especially for someone who hailed from North India. Many marriages in his extended family were made at, well, weddings.

  Sameer’s parents were surprised yet happy to see their son attend the weddings. They knew something was amiss but they decided not to delve into the topic, which might tick off Sameer and lead him to stop visiting Delhi. They didn’t want to let go of the opportunity of meeting their only son more often.

  His aim of throwing darts at gym, clubs, pubs, book cafes, bars, speed dating and even wedding parties while hoping to stick to at least one didn’t work either, so he threw caution to the winds while dating girls.

  In one such situation in Delhi, he landed himself in big trouble, as the girl who he went out with wanted to take revenge from her boyfriend so she kissed Sameer in front of her boyfriend. The jilted boyfriend, son of a Haryana Cabinet Minister, hired goons from jaatland to settle the score with Sameer. Sameer had to hide for few days in a farmhouse in Chhatarpur in Delhi until he found out, using his father’s political connections, a creditable mediator who finally pacified the boyfriend.

  In another situation in Mumbai, a girl used him to get out of her arranged marriage (to a family friend’s son) by introducing him as her boyfriend to her as well as the groom’s parents. To make matters worse the groom turned out to be his neighbour from Delhi. Sameer’s parents felt very embarrassed and rebuked him for ruining the life of the groom who had loved the girl since childhood.

  After such debacles Sameer slowed down for a few days but his worries never stopped. The mere thought of losing the most important bet of his life took a huge toll on his behaviour towards others. His considerate side of helping others took a 180-degree turn. Sameer, who would help elderly people cross the road safely, now zoomed past them in his car putting their lives in danger.

  Kids in his apartment complex were totally confused with Sameer’s behaviour over the last few weeks. On Sameer’s insistence they took a huge challenge against the neighbouring society kids’ cricket team. They knew fully well that the bowlers of the opposite team had destroyed their batting lineup every time they had played against them. Sameer promised to teach them the defensive shots to neutralise the fast bowler’s impact but he ditched all the coaching sessions.

  After many futile attempts to meet Sameer, one of the kids, holding a tennis cricket ball, got hold of him very late in the night in the lobby area of his building.

  ‘ Sameer bhaiya, sirf ek hafta reh gaya hai match ke liye and you haven’t taught us even a single defensive shot!’ helplessness was pretty evident in the kid’s voice.

  Sameer looked at him casually and entered the lift without responding.

  ‘Agar sikhana nahin tha to shart kyon lagva dee, marva diya aapne,’ the kid continued his tirade.

  Sameer just gazed at him and pressed the lift button. The kid stopped the lift doors from closing.

  ‘Don’t you dare show your face to us again. You are nothing but a liar!’ He threw the ball at Sameer and left in anger.

  As expected their cricket team got another mauling in the match. The poor kids were extremely angry with Sameer but he was too lost to even care about them.

  Everyone in his office was also quite worried about Sameer but they were too scared to say anything to him.

  To add to his bucket of woes, for the first time in his flourishing career, he started getting complaints from his clients about laxity in his work. Sameer’s boss was not pleased with the turn of events but knew Sameer was a good man and a great professional.

  One day he took Sameer out for dinner to his favourite sushi restaurant, Wasabi at Taj Hotel, which was situated right opposite the famous Gateway of India. Wasabi was badly affected during the 26/11 terrorist attacks in Mumbai but had been restored beautifully since. Apart from being famous for its mouthwatering food, it had recently gained notoriety for a scuffle between a popular Bollywood actor and a commoner.

  Though it was Sameer’s favourite place still he didn’t seem to enjoy the food. Realising the seriousness of the situation Fatty s
uggested that he takes a few days off from work. Anyone else in his office would have been thrilled with such an offer, but there was no such reaction from Sameer.

  Back to Heaven

  I was still narrating the story when another kid interrupted me.

  ‘Can you please stop?’

  I stopped and looked at him.

  ‘I am getting confused here,’ the kid continued.

  ‘Why so?’ I questioned

  ‘We asked you about the difficult task you faced, then why are you narrating Sameer’s story to us?’

  I smiled hearing the question.

  ‘Just give me another five minutes and you will get your answer,’ I requested

  The kid nodded and I continued.

  4

  Arrival of a helping hand

  After relaxing for three days at home Sameer made another unsuccessful attempt at a new pub in town but returned home exhausted, both physically and mentally. He went to sleep without even changing his clothes.

  During his disturbed sleep he dreamt that God has come down to earth to help him find his soul mate. He woke up with a shock and was surprised to see me sitting on the chair next to his bed. By just looking at his face, I could easily understand that Sameer was surprised to see me wearing cargo shorts, flip-flops and a tight jazzy red T-shirt showing my biceps. I was also wearing a headphone over my ears, carrying my hPhone (which Steve Jobs had developed once he came to our land), hPod and many other weird looking electronic gadgets, which further added to his confusion.

  ‘What’s up buddy?’ I smiled and asked Sameer.

  Though in shock, Sameer didn’t lose his composure.

  ‘Oye Jimmy, I gave you the keys that doesn’t mean you can allow anyone to enter my house,’ Sameer shouted thinking Jimmy was in the house.

  I kept smiling and this angered Sameer even further. He got up from the bed, went to the living room and then to the other bedroom but couldn’t find Jimmy anywhere in the house. He came back to the bedroom but not before picking the knife from kitchen.

  ‘Who are you and how did you enter my home?’ Sameer threatened, flashing the kitchen knife.

  I continued to smile.