An Ideal Wife

by Sanjay Grover

  Sameer and Payal stayed in the hotel for seven more days but during this time they never ventured out of their room and spent their time either in lovemaking in various corners of the room and bathroom or eating. Gossip about the duo spread in the hotel like wildfire. People started gathering outside their room for fun. Inside the room, Payal played the tigress to perfection while Sameer was happy to be the deer in the game.

  12

  Encounter with truth

  On the eighth day Sameer and Payal decided to check out of the hotel and opened the door of their room. They were amazed to see that many people were gathered outside their room but they went past them without comment. Few of the people followed them not only in the lift but also right to the reception area.

  As they neared the reception area, one lady couldn’t control herself and walked up to Payal.

  ‘Are you okay?’ there was genuine concern in her voice.

  Payal looked at her questioningly, wondering what the lady meant.

  ‘I have never seen a sex maniac like him,’ another lady intervened, blaming Sameer.

  Sameer was feeling very uncomfortable and embarrassed whereas Payal was smiling inside.

  After a minute, a group of men came up to Sameer and started congratulating him.

  ‘Awesome man, you are the real deal; finally the venerable stud.’

  ‘Bhai, please share the secret with us. Biwi ke taane sun sun ke kaan pak gayen hain!’

  Sameer walked on without saying a word; he was just too ashamed to say anything. He could not even muster the courage to look up to respond to any of these masked taunts the men were throwing at him. And then to really top his embarrassment to the hilt, he overheard a few women speaking to each other.

  ‘I wish my husband was like him.’

  ‘It’s been ages…I thought things would change with this new studly husband I’d bagged for myself but appearances can be sooooo deceptive,’ helplessness was quite evident in her voice.

  ‘I think I am ready for a change,’ said another lady. Walking like a predator, stalking and sizing up its prey, she shimmied towards Sameer and started caressing his shoulders. Sameer tried to move away from her shocked at the blatant seduction, but in no time many other ladies pounced on him. Payal started laughing looking at Sameer’s plight. Was this woman for real? Other women were pawing her husband and she was laughing?

  Payal’s laughter continued in the car even while driving back to Mumbai from Goa.

  ‘Kya baat hai soniye, mar javan gud kha ke,’ Payal imitated the horny women, caressing Sameer’s shoulder with that special dirty expression on her face.

  ‘You think it’s a joke…why can’t you control yourself?’ Sameer couldn’t hide his skyrocketing anger anymore.

  It had no effect on Payal and she continued to laugh. After about 10 hours of eventless driving (though passing Ratnagiri gave Sameer the jitters) they reached their apartment complex in Mumbai.

  While Sameer was parking the car, many residents from his apartment complex approached them and congratulated them on their marriage. The congratulatory streak continued till they reached the lobby. True to their nosy nature, many of them even complained about not being invited for the celebrations. Sameer was successfully negotiating all the queries till a woman, rather irritatingly, took it upon her meddlesome self to ask them how their honeymoon had been! Sameer just wanted to run away and hide; he just couldn’t take the teasing, knowing, mocking glances anymore!

  Payal just grabbed his hand and ran into an empty lift, giggling all the way to their apartment.

  ‘Honey, I am going to make some coffee for myself. Do you want some?’ Sameer asked after dumping their luggage in the bedroom. He was breathing easy once inside his domain.

  ‘No, I think I will prefer some wine and then some night action,’ Payal winked at Sameer.

  Sameer’s face turned red thinking about what he was going to get in the night. Payal kissed him and went to shower.

  While Payal was in the shower, Sameer was running helter-skelter to find something to save himself. His luck ran out as Payal came back wearing a sexy gown. As she walked closer to him he got a hold of something, which brought him a huge sigh of relief.

  Sameer proffered a goblet brimming with her favorite wine in her direction and then waited with bated breath for the magic to work. She took a few sips of the wine and then seductively walked towards him. Sameer’s heart sank seeing his plan was not working.

  Just like the jail episode, god showered his mercy on Sameer at the last minute and Payal started feeling sleepy.

  ‘Jaanu, I am feeling really sleepy,’ she slurred.

  ‘Thank god!’ Sameer murmured realising his idea was finally working. He had put some sleeping pills in her wine to avoid being exploited sexually again. Really, he had begun to feel like a boy toy!

  ‘I can understand. It was quite a tiring journey. You go and sleep my love,’ Sameer comforted Payal.

  He kissed her goodnight and she went to the bedroom.

  Sameer was feeling guilty for tricking Payal, but he was forced to take this step. It was impossible to stop her once she got going!

  Few hours had passed by since Payal went to bed but sleep still eluded Sameer so he decided to take a brief stroll in the apartment, took out a couple of beers from the refrigerator and went to the balcony. Half an hour later and a couple of beers down he came back inside and sat down on the easy chair. He was not able to comprehend what was exactly happening in his life.

  ‘Oh God, what have you done?’ Sameer murmured.

  At that moment, he heard my voice in his head and soon our cerebral conversation started.

  ‘Why are you blaming me?’

  ‘Then whom should I blame?’

  ‘This is exactly what you wanted?’

  ‘I wanted this?’ Sameer was astonished.

  ‘Wo wo wo, now you don’t even remember the FIRST quality of your Ideal wife?’

  Sameer started thinking about his first encounter with me when he narrated the wish list of his Ideal wife.

  ‘My wife should have more sex drive than me.’

  ‘What is this? No one has ever asked for something like this before,’ I was completely puzzled.

  ‘There has to be some difference between Sameer and the others, right?’ Sameer winked at me.

  ‘But I am confused. Why do you want that?’

  ‘My friends usually complain that they are not able to fully enjoy their married life and one of the prime reasons for that is their wives have a weaker sex drive than them.’

  I was baffled by Sameer’s logic but still wanted to clarify.

  ‘Are you sure about it?’

  ‘100%, that’s the first and foremost thing I want in my wife.’

  Sameer came out of the flashback.

  ‘Oh God, what have I done? Can you do something about it?’

  ‘Sorry, it’s not in my hands anymore.’

  Finally, Sameer gave up and slept on the easy chair.

  Next morning, Payal got up pretty early and smiled seeing Sameer sleeping on the easy chair. She kissed his forehead and went to shower. An hour later she came back to the living room, towel drying her hair. She was scantily clad and looked extremely desirable.

  Sameer was still asleep, so she decided to have some fun with him. She came pretty close to him and started brushing her hair vigorously. The water droplets from her hair fell on Sameer’s face but it had no effect on his Kumbhakarna sleep.

  ‘Wake up!’

  Payal tried the same trick again but no different was the result.

  ‘Wake up my dear husband.’ She pressed her hand against his chest to wake him up.

  ‘Hmmm,’ Sameer moved a bit in his sleep.

  ‘Wake up na!’

  Sameer lay corpse-like so she decided to let him sleep but before leaving she kissed him. And with that kiss, Sameer just woke up shouting.

  ‘No, not now!’

  ‘What not now?’

  �
�Maine kaha na abhi nahin!’

  ‘Arre baba kya nahin?’

  ‘I can’t make love right now.’

  As soon as she heard this she started laughing.

  ‘I was just waking you up for office,’ she clarified.

  Sameer looked at her and started smiling thinking about his reaction to her kiss.

  ‘I am going to extend my vacation for a week.’

  ‘Awesome.’

  Payal dialled a number from her cellphone.

  ‘Who are you calling?’

  ‘I am going to cancel all my shoots for a week. This way, we’ll get more time with each other.’

  Sameer pounced like a tiger and snatched her phone.

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Maaf kar meri maa,’ Sameer folded his hands in front of Payal.

  Surprised, Payal just kept looking at him.

  ‘I am extending my leave just because of you……pata nahin kya kha ke teri maa ne tujhe paida kiya thha. You don’t get tired or what?’ Sameer continued.

  Payal grinned realising that Sameer was talking about her sex drive.

  Sameer called his boss.

  ‘You are back, dulhe raja,’ Fatty said even before Sameer could say anything.

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘So when can we see our chand ka tukda?’

  ‘Sir, I need another week off.’

  Fatty started laughing.

  ‘Looks like it took some real effort to bell the cat.’

  Sameer just smiled as he looked at Payal while talking to his boss.

  ‘You know how it is? One more week sir, please.’

  ‘Chal have fun but remember you have only one more week to bell the cat. International clients are coming next week.’

  ‘Sure, sir, I will be in the office next Monday.’

  Sameer disconnected the phone and saw Payal approaching with two mugs of coffee. Sameer could only think of a tigress tiptoeing towards her shikaar.

  13

  Jealousy thy name is (Wo)man

  During the second week of vacation, Sameer was quite surprised to see that many male neighbours from 10 to 60 years old started visiting their home on one pretext or the other. They were getting anything they could lay their hands on, even their newspaper, milk packages, food items, etc. They also started asking advice for things not remotely connected to Sameer and Payal. He was also baffled to see that during these visits they were interested in talking to only Payal.

  This kind of reaction from all the male members created turmoil in the whole society and women started feeling jealous of Payal’s beauty. Wherever Sameer and Payal went, people behaved weird — someone slipped into the swimming pool, someone bumped into someone while looking at Payal, boys playing cricket either dropped catches or were clean bowled. All these made Sameer very uncomfortable.

  One day, Payal got up from the dining table as soon as she finished her breakfast. Sameer was surprised, as she would usually wait till both of them finished their breakfast.

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘What?’ Payal looked around to check if something was wrong.

  ‘I mean, what’s the hurry? You finished your breakfast so quickly.’

  ‘You forgot na?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I knew it…I have a pretty major shoot today.’

  ‘But when did you tell me about it?’

  ‘Last night!’

  ‘ Tum raat ko dimag kahan chalane deti ho!’

  Both smiled and Payal left to change.

  ‘I have a great idea,’ Sameer said.

  ‘What?’ Payal asked from the bedroom.

  ‘I will join you and we will go for dinner after the shoot.’

  ‘You will get bored. It’s a 10-hour shift,’ Payal shouted from the bathroom.

  ‘I am already getting bored at home. You get ready, we will go together.

  ‘Okay, as you wish.’

  Both left for Payal’s shoot after an hour.

  ‘I am telling you, you will get bored,’ Payal said again in the car.

  ‘That’s okay; if I get bored I’ll go grab a couple of beers with my friends. If that’s okay with you?’ Sameer asked very cautiously.

  ‘Sure, why would it be a problem with me?’ Payal sounded casual.

  Sameer was pleasantly surprised with her answer; he had imagined that she would complain like his friends’ wives do. He had the most content of smiles on his face.

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘Nothing, I am glad you are so different from the others.’

  ‘Who others?’

  Before Sameer could say anything they had already reached the shooting location.

  ‘Here you go,’ Sameer tried to change the topic.

  ‘But why were you smiling?’

  ‘Just like that.’

  ‘I am sure there is something but its okay you can tell me whenever you feel comfortable,’ Payal planted a light kiss on his cheek.

  Right then an assistant director came running to her.

  ‘Ma’am, lighting is almost ready. Please go for makeup and dress change.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll take only about 15 minutes,’ Payal assured him.

  ‘You go, I’ll park the car and join you,’ Sameer said.

  Payal left for her make-up while Sameer drove to the parking lot.

  After 3 hours

  Sameer was sitting in the studio watching Payal shoot for an Instant Noodles advertisement. Sameer started reminiscing the campaign he had designed for Shaggy Noodles and it brought a huge smile on his face.

  After some time Sameer saw a few spot boys on the set were discussing something with each other while looking at Payal. He was not sure about the content, but he knew that subject of the discussion could be his wife. Sameer moved closer to the group as stealthily as a cat.

  ‘She looks stunning,’ sighed one of the spot boys.

  ‘Absolutely man!’

  Sameer’s head turned as he heard these lines.

  ‘Iman kasam, isko dekh kar to koi bhi apna Roza tod sakta hai…ek dum chand dikhti hai.’

  ‘I heard she just got married.’

  ‘Don’t tell me.’ Dejection was quite evident from the voice of another spot boy who had just joined the discussion.

  ‘Are you sure?’ he continued

  ‘Ask Shankar, I just heard from him.’

  ‘Pata nahin ye moti kis bandar ke haath laga hai.’

  The ensuing laughter sent the blood shooting to Sameer’s head, but he decided against showing his anger.

  He came back to his seat and looked at Payal. She in turn looked at him and realised something was wrong. She raised her brows in a question. Sameer played down the whole incident by shaking his head as if to say ‘nothing’.

  Payal once again got busy in the shoot. Sameer, still feeling uncomfortable, saw that everyone on the set was trying to hit on Payal. He couldn’t take it any longer and went straight to her.

  ‘When is the shoot getting over?’

  ‘Getting bored?’

  ‘No, I mean yes, somewhat.’

  ‘Ma’am, shot is ready,’ one of the assistant directors intervened.

  ‘Just coming,’ Payal said and turned to Sameer.

  ‘Why don’t you go and meet your friends? I’ll call you once I am done and we could go for dinner together.’

  ‘Sounds like a plan,’ Sameer’s face wasn’t complementing his words.

  ‘Are you sure you are okay?’ a concerned Payal inquired again.

  ‘Yeah, you carry on. Just give me a buzz once you are done.’

  ‘Okay.’

  Payal knew something was surely wrong but she decided not to probe any further.

  Sameer left the shoot location with a heavy heart, which severely impacted his driving abilities. After 15 minutes and nearly hitting three vehicles during a short journey, he finally reached Juhu beach and parked his car in the paid parking lot.

  Lost in his thoughts he ambled towards the beach and after a minu
te he found himself right in the middle of the Juhu Tara Road with scores of vehicles honking at him.

  ‘ Arre marne ke liye meri hee gaddi mili kya, samne samundar hai wahan ja ke mar, mujhe kyon police ke lafde mein dal raha hai,’ shouted one of the car drivers.

  Sameer said sorry to him and walked slowly towards the beach. The calmness of the setting sun was in contrast to the turmoil within him.

  He walked up to the fag end of the beach passing many couples holding each other’s hands. Merely looking at those couples made his walk even more torturous. He quietly sat in one corner of the beach pondering over his situation.

  ‘Why god why, why is this happening to me?’

  ‘Why can’t you leave me alone, man?’

  Surprised, Sameer turned and found me standing in front of him in a taxi driver’s uniform.

  ‘Just because of you I have been sent back again and that too like this,’ I jibed, pointing at my uniform.

  ‘Because of me???? And really dude! What’s with this taxi driver uniform now? If you were so desperate to try on a human uniform, at least try a cop uniform or something…sheesh!’

  ‘I have been punished to stay in Mrityulok and that too surviving on my own so I took up a taxi driver’s job.’

  ‘But why this? I can get you some other work.’

  ‘Na, I am happy doing this. Earlier I used to ferry Bhagwaan Dada in Heaven.’

  ‘What?’ Sameer’s jaw dropped. ‘Then how come you became god?’

  ‘One day Bhagwaan Dada was mightily pleased with my driving skills, so he promoted me to god status despite much resistance from other gods.’

  ‘Wow, I have seen drivers in my world getting top posts of Company Directors in many organisation owned by politicians even without their knowledge, but you guys are way ahead of us,’ Sameer jeered.

  I didn’t like the comment so took a jab at Sameer.

  ‘You never seem to be happy with anything, do you?’

  Sameer mellowed down a bit.

  ‘Everyone is hitting on my wife and you want me to be happy about it.’

  ‘Hang on hang on; you wanted your wife to be extremely beautiful, right?

  ‘True, but everyone is hitting on her even in my presence. This is so embarrassing.’