Like Breathing

by Tia Fielding

  “Seemed important?” Leaf asked, raising his brows at him in an achingly familiar way.

  “Yeah, you know my mentee, Angel? His brother dropped by today to bring an assignment Angel couldn’t deliver himself. Then I went to Martha’s for lunch, but the brother, Dev, he was there and we shared a table because it was rush hour.” Seth gestured with the fork he’d picked up as he continued his dinner like he always did.

  “You don’t say…,” Leaf murmured, the corners of his eyes wrinkling as he chuckled. “Sounds like an interesting guy.”

  Seth failed to catch the fact that he hadn’t actually told Leaf anything to warrant that sort of a comment. Instead, he launched into a story about the lunch and how much fun they’d had.

  As he was finishing his dinner for real, Leaf let out a little oomph when one of the dogs, Missy, jumped on his lap.

  “Hey, baby girl,” Seth cooed at the dog, who tilted her head, trying to figure out where the sound came from.

  Chuckling, Leaf shook his head. “I still have no clue how she doesn’t get it. How simple can she be?”

  “Hey, don’t you mock my baby girl,” Seth said, the end of the sentence turning mushy again as his bull terrier tilted her head left and right. “She’s just special.”

  “So very special,” Leaf agreed, laughing at the look Seth sent his way. “So, there’s some news,” he started, letting the dog slide down on the seat next to him.

  Seth didn’t like those words. They always meant Leaf would be gone longer than he’d planned to. “Oh?”

  “Yeah. The shelter in Salt Lake City emailed me last night. They need help with some newcomers. Dogfighting ring that got busted.”

  The expression on his handsome features made Seth’s heart constrict. He missed Leaf so fucking much when he wasn’t at home, but he understood the way Leaf lived, the job he did. It was so important to so many, and….

  “When?” he asked, instead of wallowing in it too much.

  “I know I said I’d be home on Sunday evening, but might be Thursday instead.” Leaf looked apologetic.

  “It’s okay, honey. I know it’s… it’s not ideal, you know? But I’ll deal. I always do,” Seth said, then realized what he’d actually sounded like when Leaf’s expression changed into hurt. “No, no, I didn’t mean it like that, I swear!”

  “I know,” Leaf said after a pause. “It doesn’t help that sometimes I feel it, though. I should try to get more jobs around home.”

  “You’ll try. But if they need you elsewhere, you’ll have to go. I won’t let you sit here and do nothing if there’s someone out there who needs your expertise.” Seth’s impassionate speech wasn’t a new one by far, and it made Leaf grin.

  “I know you won’t. I love you, baby. So much.” Leaf’s tone turned into a low murmur, one Seth loved more than anything.

  “I love you too. Please come home, okay? When you can. And call me tomorrow?”

  “I’ll always call you. Sleep tight. Don’t let the students drive you mad. Love you.”

  “Scratch the babies for me. Drive safely. Love you.”

  They disconnected the call after the ever-so-familiar last words, as was their routine.

  When Seth had met Leaf fifteen years ago at a sports bar, he hadn’t quite expected to have a one-night stand with the guy. What surprised him even more was meeting Leaf again five years later, by chance. The last ten years? As they said, history. The second time they’d met, they’d realized they were meant to be. So, they never really parted again.

  Even though Leaf was almost fifteen years older than Seth, everything just… fit. They’d carved a place for themselves in Colorado Springs when Seth had gotten the job there, and they were happy, mostly. It was the nature of Leaf’s job training dogs all over the country that made things rough for them.

  But with the way Leaf had spent his childhood, Seth would never tell Leaf he should stay put in one place for too long. Even if that place was home. He knew it wasn’t in Leaf’s nature to stay still, as much as he loved to have a place and a person to call home and to come back to periodically.

  Normally it took a few weeks at most for him to get antsy and want to get on the road again, whether he admitted it or not. Seth had become good at seeing his moods change and kicking him out of the house.

  Leaf lived out of his small RV most of the time. Their three dogs followed along with their daddy. It was mostly done so they wouldn’t have to be alone in the house during the workday, but Seth also knew they would help with some cases, showing scared dogs how to trust again and such. He’d seen Leaf and the dogs work with shelter dogs before, and it was impressive to him how well it all ended up, most of the time. Even Seth’s little simpleton, Missy, helped in her own goofy ways.

  THE REST of Seth’s evening went as it always did when Leaf wasn’t home. He watched a documentary about Matisse, graded a few papers that had been returned way in advance and were in no rush to be graded at all, checked emails, called his mom, and then went to bed to read for a while.

  He liked detective stories a lot, and so Leaf tried to find him the most obscure titles he could from his travels. Because of Seth’s semester in Europe during his graduate studies and the way his mind could pick up languages, he was currently reading a book in Swedish. Of course, he wasn’t fluent or anything, so he had the English version of the story on the bedside table and consulted it every now and then. In any case, Mr. Lapidus was a great storyteller, even in translated form, but there was always something about reading a book in the language it was meant to be read.

  When he felt his brain tiring in that pleasant way he knew signaled being able to fall asleep, he put the book away and made sure his alarm was still set. He went and brushed his teeth and stripped. Sleeping in the nude had been something Leaf always did, and the habit had caught. Somehow it made Seth feel less alone too. Especially when, like that night, he slid under the covers and took himself into hand, his head resting on Leaf’s pillow.

  He missed the man he called husband in his head, despite the fact that they weren’t married. It hadn’t been something either of them were ready for, and then later, Leaf’s stories about his childhood had put them both off marriage.

  By this point in their relationship, after so many years, they knew each other through and through. Seth touched himself, smiling lazily at the image of Leaf he conjured in his memory. Leaf liked to watch him masturbate. Or maybe it was more wanting to let the pressure build and then jump in. He’d often let Seth get truly carried away and sneakily prep himself, then wait until Seth was ready to blow and demand to be fucked right there and then.

  Seth’s hand moved faster over his cock, the other hand pinching his nipples roughly. There were things he liked that Leaf couldn’t give him, and vice versa. They’d learned to cope, and sometimes one gave up things to be able to be with the person who otherwise completed them.

  Right at that moment, Seth would’ve given anything to have Leaf there. He couldn’t make the image of Leaf in his head do things the real man wouldn’t, so when his brain insisted on more specific fantasies to send him into an orgasm, he hissed and tried to redirect the thoughts.

  Except it didn’t work this time.

  Suddenly there was a new film running against his closed eyelids. He was being fucked, roughly, yet oddly lovingly at the same time. A long-fingered hand wrapped around his cock and another around his throat. “Be a good boy and come for me,” a voice said, and Seth’s eyes flew open, his hand squeezing his cock almost painfully as his orgasm hit him hard.

  The voice had been Devin’s.

  Chapter Three

  LEAF WHISTLED the dogs back to the RV. They were parked at the edge of a field belonging to an old acquaintance, and it was time to get some sleep. They’d head out early to Salt Lake City, which would be a few hours’ drive, give or take. It would be fine, and when he got bored with only the dogs as company, he could always call his sister. Rain worked from home, so she had made him promise to call when he n
eeded to.

  There were questions rolling around in his brain, having risen to the surface because of the friend whose land he was on, and he wanted to talk to his sister, Rain, about it all. But not that night. He needed to let the questions formulate themselves in his mind. Otherwise, the whole conversation would be a lot of hemming and hawing on his side.

  The dogs galloped to him from the darkness, making him smile. “Okay, guys. It’s bedtime, but first, paws.”

  They lined up based on their reverse order in the pack. Missy first, because she was lowest on the totem pole. The bull terrier looked at Leaf, then licked his face as soon as he let go of the last paw he’d wiped with a towel.

  “Oh eww. I know you miss your daddy, but behave, girl,” he scolded her, but knew she didn’t understand and his tone was all wrong if he wanted her to learn anything.

  “Next,” he said, and Husky, who was a husky, approached him, and regally stood in place, lifting one paw at a time like a horse would for hoof-picking. He then went and plopped down on his dog bed behind the driver’s seat.

  “And last but not least….” Grace, his eleven-year-old pit bull wagged her tail as she came to give him a hug while he cleaned her paws too. “We’re ready for bed. Go reserve a spot for yourself, lady.” He patted her flank and she limped to the bed that took one-third of the length of the back of the RV.

  She was getting older now, and the malnutrition and abuse from her youth hadn’t done her any favors. He hoped he wouldn’t have to leave her with Seth anytime soon, though. She’d hate it, even though Seth would love having her there. Then again, if he left Grace behind, then he would have to leave Missy too, and Husky would get lonely on the road….

  Sighing, Leaf got up from his crouch and winced at the aches and pains in his body. Hell, he was getting older too. Maybe both of them needed to be put out to pasture in the next few years?

  He snorted at the grim thought. Like Seth would ever let them go. His lover was amazing. The best guy Leaf had ever met. The most dedicated, passionate person behind a mask of brilliance and control issues.

  But Seth had found someone, hadn’t he? Leaf thought of it when he climbed into bed, pushing Missy off his pillow and being careful not to kick Grace. “Night, ladies. Night, Husky.” He pulled his portion of the blanket over his body.

  Seth had met someone. The best thing was, he didn’t seem to realize he was already attached to this younger man. The way he’d beamed through the webcam was… irresistible. Leaf wasn’t jealous, not in the least. In fact, he thought this could be good for them in the long run. But time would tell.

  AS USUAL when he was on the road, he woke up around five. He let the dogs out, made himself a huge mug of coffee, and put the dogs’ breakfast bowls outside the RV so they’d slobber less on the floor. Once he’d taken a cramped shower and felt ready for the day, he collected the bowls, told the dogs to get in, and made sure everything was in its place for the next bit of his long way that would eventually lead him home.

  He refilled his travel mug, put away any loose things in the barely there kitchenette, and went to start the vehicle. By then, the dogs went to their spots without being asked: Husky on his bed, Grace on hers next to him, and Missy on the passenger’s seat. It was just big enough for a bull terrier, but Grace, despite being only slightly bigger, couldn’t fit there.

  As he drove through the farmyard, he could see Cammie coming out of the stable. He waved at her, and she waved and nodded back. He knew neither of them wanted him to stay and chat more. They’d done that the day before.

  Since Rain had made herself a tight schedule, Leaf knew she’d be up by now, as it was almost half past six. He pushed speed dial on his phone and clicked on his hands-free thingy Seth had given him a while ago.

  “Morning, brother mine,” Rain said, sounding surprisingly perky.

  “You sound good, sister,” he replied.

  She laughed in her oddly clear yet throaty style, and he could hear her sipping something, probably her morning tea. “What’s up?”

  “Just started the drive to Salt Lake. Guess where we parked for the night?” he asked, knowing she would both love trying to figure it out and hate when she heard the right answer.

  “No way….”

  “Yeah. Cammie’s. Was about time,” he said quietly, and she hummed.

  They sipped their respective caffeine-laden wake-up drinks in silence for a while.

  “How was she?” Rain asked finally.

  “Good. Better.” It was the truth. Then he sighed. “We talked a bit.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.” They both knew what he and Cammie had talked about, and he could tell Rain wasn’t sure if she wanted to talk about this right then. Sensing that, Leaf said, “I need to…. There are things I remembered when I was talking with her. Could we maybe talk about that sometime soon?”

  This time it was Rain who sighed. “Yeah. Of course. Now?”

  “Not necessarily, if you’re not up for it. I know I sort of sprung this on you.” He winced a little, knowing that he’d brought her discomfort already. He never wanted that. At fifty and forty-eight, they were both old enough to have this discussion by far, but it never got any easier to talk about their past.

  “Well, if we don’t talk about it now, I’ll just obsess over it all day and won’t be able to work anyway, so might as well. Let me just get comfortable first.”

  It was code for “let me go sit in my favorite chair and light a joint.” Leaf could understand the urge for sure.

  “So, what did you talk about, then?” she asked after the click of her Zippo shutting again.

  “She asked me if I remembered the house in Venezuela.”

  A thoughtful noise signaled Rain was trying to figure out what to say.

  “Do you?” Her voice was gentle, which went against the situation. It wasn’t him who should be handled carefully here, not when talking about that place.

  “Yeah.” He sighed and took one hand off the wheel to rub it over his face. Then he took a gulp of coffee and wished he still smoked cigarettes. “I remembered some when we talked.”

  “You know I’ve gone to a shrink because of everything that happened, right?” Rain asked in the same gentle voice.

  “I know!” he snapped. “It just fucking makes no difference when these memories keep coming out of the blue and I know they’re real when they should be nightmares!”

  “Yeah, they should, brother mine, they should.” She took another hit from her joint and held her breath for longer than he thought necessary. Then she exhaled and chuckled darkly. “You know you need to go to therapy too, right?” Before he could object, she said, “No. You fucking listen to me, Leaf Oakley DeWitt. You listen to me now.”

  That was the first time she’d ever used his full name, being all “mom” at him like that. They’d always loved each other as the siblings they were, but not once had she gone into parent mode.

  “Okay?” he asked carefully, suitably cowed by the surprise.

  “It wasn’t you who was diddled. It wasn’t you whose room they came in each night in that house. It was me and Cammie, and the others. You slept with the older boys in the other room. They never went to the boys’ room,” she said with conviction. “But it doesn’t matter now, does it? It’s in your head too, and I don’t think you can get it out of there on your own. None of us can.”

  Leaf couldn’t avoid the snorting sound escaping him at that. “No. You’re right. They never came to the boys’ room at night. But who do you think the older boys learned from? Who do you think were the underdogs inside that room?”

  Her horrified gasp made him feel like shit, and at the same time, it felt oddly vindictive and good. Yeah, she might have been right about him seeing a shrink, after all.

  “No…,” she whispered.

  “Why do you think Lake killed himself? Why do you think Sandy and Manny….” He swallowed hard and blinked a few times, trying to keep the tears at bay. It wasn’t safe to cry there
, not while he was on the highway and when Seth wasn’t there to hold him.

  “I thought it was… it was him or one of the other adults who did whatever made Lake do that,” Rain said quietly.

  “Yeah. Well, it wasn’t any of the adults. And no, it didn’t happen to me much, but it still happened, Rain.”

  “At least… at least we weren’t there for long?”

  She needed validation now, and he made a noncommittal sound. It had felt like a long time for him.

  “So, guess what?” he asked. “I think Seth met someone.”

  She gasped dramatically. “No? Seth? No way!” There was a hint of glee in her voice, and it made Leaf smile.

  “Rainbow Serenity, are you trying to tell me my man wouldn’t have that in him?” He chuckled.

  “Well, let’s face it, bro, Seth has never been spontaneous, and neither of us is entirely sure if he would even be capable of that.”

  Leaf nodded and grinned. “Yeah. I suppose you’re right. But in any case, his student’s brother. Sounds just like what Seth needs. Not that he realizes that. I can’t wait to meet this kid, though,” Leaf mused, reaching for his mug again.

  “Wait, a kid? How old is a ‘kid’?”

  “Half my age, apparently.”

  She let out an awful squeal, and he frowned at the road in front of him.

  “That’s so awesome. At least he’s, like… old enough to know life,” she mused once she calmed down.

  “Yeah. But I’m still counting on both of them freaking out over this. I mean, Seth doesn’t get that he has a crush on this guy, and who the fuck knows if Dev is even gay and interested, you know?”

  “As gorgeous as that man of yours is, he’s clueless sometimes. At least he’s okay with, you know….”

  Leaf sighed. “Yeah, I know.”

  “I mean, it’s one thing to be in a committed relationship with someone like us, but to get that we don’t actually see things like most people….”