I am America (and so can You!)

by Stephen Colbert

  A LEAGUE OF ONE’S OWN

  A NOTE ABOUT WOMEN’S SPORTS: Now I’m not a misogynist, but women have no place in a man’s world, especially if that world is profitable sports. Let’s leave the multi-million-dollar contracts and rich product endorsements to the big boys and you ladies can stick to the ladylike sports, ones where you can wear skirts such as field hockey or the Scottish caber toss.

  Lady like

  * * *

  STEPHEN SPEAKS FOR ME

  A CHANCE FOR AVERAGE AMERICANS TO AGREE WITH WHAT I THINK

  They say football is a game of inches, or maybe that’s baseball. You know what? Who cares? Because if you care about inches, play horseshoes.

  The Guy Sitting Next to You At The Stadium

  Football is the game I love. That’s why I’ll brave five-degree weather to stand in a beer line. Those guys are out there playin’ for me, the least I can do is show up and drink.

  Coming through with beers here! Coming through! Deb, can you grab one? C’mon. Drink fast and keep up with me, because I’m not gonna make extra trips for you in between my beer runs. You know exactly what I’m talkin’ about.

  So, why do I love football? Is it because of the action? You bet your sweet derri-ass, but that’s only part of the story, because the real game happens in the mind. It’s like chess. Kick ooofff! Let’s fucking do this! Run, you stupid son of a bitch! Run! Wedge, throw the wedge! Oh, come ooonnnnnn! Deb, you watching this?! What are you doing? Are you kidding me? Who are you talkin’ to? What are you talkin’ to her for? Fuck Deb, we’re at the game, what’s with all the talking? Why aren’t you drinkin’? You’re already behind.

  I remember when I was a kid my Dad used to take me to the games. I used to keep a sheet on all the players. I remember all the great ones: Sweetness, Jack “The Assassin” Tatum, “Babalu,” “Bucketfoot Al,” “Le Demond Blond,” “Touchy Taffy,” and “Dr. Puntenstein.” Those guys gave a hundred and ten percent on the field every Sunday, just so a dad who wasn’t home much could have the chance to spend a few hours with his arm around his son sitting on a cold wooden seat sharing a beer. Ohhhhh! Look who they’re putting in! Whooo hooo! Pennington. Fucking Pennington! Hey, PENNINGTON! You pretty boy! You whiney country club pussy! It’s gonna be a long day, Pennington. It’s gonna be a looong fuckin’ day! Hold on to the ball you bastard! FUUUUUCK! Oh FUMBLE! Get on that BALL! Yeah!! Debbie, look-look. You see that big pile? I hear guys on the bottom of that thing are brutal. Gougin’ eyes, grabbin’ balls, squeezing balls, bitin’ balls. Wait, here comes the ref. What!!! Bullshit! COME ON! Bullll-Shit, Bullll-Shit, Bullll-Shit! Yeah, Deb, you got it. Bullll-Shit! Did you see that shit?

  Hey, so uh Deb, what’d Tricia have to say? What!? I’m just trying to be interested. Jesus, Debbie. No! You’re so jealous. Forget it. No, seriously, forget it. Drop it. Jesus, Deb. Jesus. Let’s go DE-fense! Let’s get a STOP!

  Some things don’t change for the players, whether they’re home or away. When you’re on the field, you gotta knock people down, and you gotta put ’em down to stay down. That’s it. Easy math. But what does change is, when you’re home, you’ve got the fans. Fans can definitely sway a game. Collectively we’re like an extra player. All these people filling up these seats are like my teammates and we are here to rock the house and kick some ass.

  Nachos!

  What the fuck man? You just cashed my fucking nachos! I had ’em balanced on the arm rest dipshit, and you rattled the whole row of seats with that fat train of yours! What the fuck are you doin’?! You gonna scoop the cheese off the ground too? No? Well, what the fuck good are nachos without the cheese? I don’t care how old he is, if he’s so upset, let him cover his fucking ears. What? Go ahead say it again! Say it agoddamngain, go ahead! I don’t a give shit, Deb! No, I won’t sit down!

  I’m gonna get more beer.

  Watch out, man. Beers coming through. Sack! Shit, yeah! Did you see that Deb!? How’s the turf taste, Sixteen? Huh? How’s that taste! You suck! You suck shit! Right Deb?

  Some Americans spend their Sundays in church, but football is my religion. This is where I worship, in the house that Lombardi built. INTERCEPTION! Oh-oh-OH YEAH! YEAH! GO! GO! YEAHHHHHH! That’s what I’m talking about! That’s what I’m GODDAMN TALKING ABOUT! Touchdown! High five, Deb! ALRIGHT! You blow, Sixteen! Nice pussy-toss to the wrong team! You gay fag fuck! Whooohoooooooo!

  * * *

  * * *

  It’s customary in the sport of baseball to have the sitting U.S. President throw out the first pitch of the season. Match the former chief of state with his historical toss.

  After his pitch had catcher stuffed and mounted

  Handed ball to welfare queen

  Lobbed two-finger V-sign sinker

  Used his steam powered mechanical arm to hurl a perfect strike

  UNJUMBLE THE HINT

  RANKLINF DELAON OOSEVELETR

  TEDYD ROSOEVELT

  CHARDRICH NIXNO

  WILLIAM H.jpg" alt="image" />TAFT

  FUN ZONE: THE INTERACTIVE EDITION

  LIAR’S POKER

  If ESPN’s wall-to-wall coverage of poker is to be believed, lumpy, dour-faced, be-sunglassed middle-aged men are the new Titans of Sport. But 52 cards can be so bulky to carry around in your wallet.

  Well, here’s a game where all you need are the bills in your pocket. We take turns bidding on the total number of certain digits in the serial numbers found on U.S. currency. The digits are ranked in the following order: 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 0, 1 (aces). I always play with twenties.

  I’ll start. I bid five aces. Send me your twenty to see if you’ve won!

  * * *

  fig 8. STEPHEN COLBERT

  CHAPTER 6

  SEX AND DATING

  “Feel like makin’ love.”

  –Bad Company, bad influence

  SEX!

  NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT SEX.1 IF I HAD TO SUM UP SEX IN ONE WORD, IT WOULD BE THIS ONE: “SEX IS POWER.” AND IF I HAD AN EXTRA WORD: “SEX IS A GIFT FROM GOD.” BUT BEFORE I GO ON TO THE GOOD STUFF, AND BELIEVE ME THIS CHAPTER GETS STEAMIER THAN A coed clambake, there’s something I have to do. You see, I’m a role model. A lot of young folks look up to me. And I don’t want to get them into trouble with sex. So if you’re a young person who’s not yet married, before reading on, you must read and sign the following pledge.

  Thank you, Elvis!

  * * *

  SEX AND DATING CHAPTER PLEDGE FOR UNWED YOUTH

  I, the undersigned, pledge to remain sexually abstinent until married to a person of the opposite sex and of legal age. I swear that any knowledge I gain in the following pages regarding human sexuality will be applied only in the private context of a nuptial bed, nuptial kitchen, nuptial bathroom floor, or incorporated into anecdotes to provoke awe in my peers. Should I one day successfully employ any of the information, tips, or techniques provided herein in conjunction with my spouse, I pledge that after a reasonable period of no longer than 24 hours I will credit it/them to Stephen Colbert. So help me God.

  Signature of Pledge-Taker:

  Notarize here:

  _____________________

  Signature of Pledge-Taker’s Parent or Guardian

  _____________________

  * * *

  All right, let’s get freaky.

  As I mentioned, sex is power—the power to create life, the power to ruin your life, and the power to sex it up good. If you refuse that power, you’ll be cheating yourself, and in my case, hundreds of lovely ladies, out of something very special (my penis). But even though sex can be wonderful, it can also be scary, like a maniac, or a haunted house—two things that happen to go great with sex.

  Now, before I stimulate you further, I should address a fundamental question: Why do we have sex? I’m on record as preaching abstinence. I talk about it on my TV show, elsewhere in this book, in pamphlets I hand out on street corners, and occasionally in sky-writing. But there is a proper time to have sex: when yo
u want to reproduce. The body parts to which we are attracted are directly linked to child production and nurturing. For men, it’s the breasts that provide our offspring nutrition, the legs to which they cling, the lips that kiss the babies goodnight, and the small of the back that teaches our children about the folly of tattoos.2

  For women, it’s the balls. Nothing the ladies love more than a big sack. I mean something a cartoon bandit would carry out of a bank.

  Sexy!

  Whew. Racy stuff. That poetic description of what a woman yearns for may have heated the blood of some of my female readers, even some of those who signed the abstinence pledge. Remember, you took an oath! So, here’s a little scripture sorbet to cool your palate.

  “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality.”

  —1 Thessalonians 4:3

  Exactly. It may be Chad’s will that you chug a few wine coolers and drive up to the lake, “’cause it’s really beautiful up there,” but who are you going to listen to on this one: an omnipotent deity or a management trainee at Outback Steakhouse?

  Regional manager, maybe

  And for any male readers who found my bandit imagery arousing, here is another passage:

  “If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death.”

  —Leviticus 20:13

  Okay. Sexual fire quenched. Let’s move on.

  This is not homophobic. It’s homo-cidal.

  * * *

  RIGHT THERE! Sex is like the death penalty: one outcome, so many different ways of carrying it out.

  * * *

  STRAIGHT TALK: Even though both men and women enjoy sex, they approach it very differently. Let’s be honest. Men think about sex non-stop, and that’s not just a stereotype. It happens on sitcoms and in advertisements all the time.

  Women don’t feel that way about sex. They prize emotion over physicality. They want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon them while reciting Keats and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

  They even have a different word for it: “Love.”

  But here comes the Women’s Studies Brigade, railing about how Colbert is reinforcing gender stereotypes. Well, ladies, we have those stereotypes for a reason—a reason I can’t remember right now because I’m too busy thinking about sex more than you do. Don’t be a knuckle sandwich. The sooner we accept the basic differences between men and women, the sooner we can stop arguing about it and start having sex.3

  Pink = girl, blue = boy. (Though powder blue is a little fey.)

  THE TAKE-ME-HOME: Treat sex like alcohol. Whether you sip it or chug it or have a destructive chemical dependency on it, make sure you’re in control. When you bring that frosty can of sex to your lips, you’d better be the one calling the shots. One way to tell if you’re losing control is if during the past three months, in order to get more sex in a shorter amount of time, you have resorted to using a funnel.

  Don’t become a slave to sex. Agree on a safe word.

  WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK OUR MORALS

  As you can see, when you follow the rules there is nothing more beautiful than two mature people who are in a committed, loving relationship doing something unspeakably debasing.

  The key word there is “people,” because when it comes to doing “it” right, there is no greater threat to our democratic sexual values than the Animal Kingdom. Every day, scientists report more species engaging in homosexual behavior, while cable television offers a full slate of animal sex propaganda ranging from Animal Planet to Dora the Explorer.

  Chilling endorsement of human/ape relations

  Our proud tradition of structured human courtship is under attack—the lions are circling, waiting for our children to wander away from the village so they can hump in front of them.

  Odds are it’s a gay pride.

  Need proof? Look no further than where animals rank on my continuum of sexual morality:

  For our future’s sake, Nation, I resolved to learn everything there is to know about these godless Zoodomites. Join me as I barge into Nature’s bedchambers, shining the spotlight of my judgment on its bestial copulations.

  BRIEF LIST OF ANIMALS THAT HAVE SEX

  1. Dogs

  2. Elephants

  3. Spiders

  4. Bears

  5. Owls

  6. Whales

  7. Barn Owls

  …and hundreds more.

  Folks, in the Animal Kingdom, you can’t turn over a rock without finding a half dozen earthworms doing the horizontal spermatophore, with nary a wedding ring in sight. Like we don’t have enough fatherless annelids crowding our driveways and compost heaps. I don’t care if you are an adult in worm years, Mr. Worm—if you can’t handle tending a few thousand cocoons, don’t ventrally fertilize your hermaphroditic partner.5

  And did you know that ants have sex? It can’t be for procreation—there are plenty of ants already. No, the simple truth is they delight in fornicating—and in plain sight of human picnics, no less. I guess that’s part of the sick thrill.

  Aunts also have sex.

  * * *

  I VOTE “NEIGH”: Sorry horses, but the only thing I want to see mounting another horse is a jockey.

  * * *

  If humans should be following anyone’s example, it’s the tiger. Males and females lead chaste, solitary existences for almost their entire adult lives, until the man decides it’s time to have children, spends months tracking a mate without her knowledge, then with a mighty roar leaps from the underbrush and snarls until the female performs a sexy dance. When the male is sufficiently entertained he bites her neck and initiates the miracle of life, I’m sure in a loving way. Sometimes the most beautiful, intimate connections only occur after a good, long stalking. I think it’s easy for humans, especially women, to forget that. And really, ladies, when’s the last time you worked on your sexy dance?

  Unfortunately, most of today’s women resemble bowerbirds that force suitors to build elaborate nests of twigs, leaves, and discarded garbage before choosing a mate. Any male who doesn’t meet her standards doesn’t get to mate that year; one assumes he just stays in his bower, reads bower manuals, and watches bowerbird porn. Hey gals, not every guy is Ryan Gosling from The Notebook.

  Saw this on PBS, but I didn’t pledge a cent.

  Even worse is the seahorse. The man seahorse shoulders the burden of carrying baby seahorses to term. The seahorse is by far the most whipped animal, and by far the most frequently cited in my own marriage.

  Of course, you could also be a male octopus, who after a lovely evening of cephalopod merriment, gently fills one of his arms with sperm before detaching said arm and watching it crawl into his life-mate’s mantle cavity. Oh, don’t worry, he doesn’t feel a thing BECAUSE HE’S DEAD. Remember how he detached part of his body? It just proves that even under the sea, women will go to any length to limit a man’s options. Hold on to those arms, fellas, I don’t care if she has the ocean’s most iridescent chromatophores.

  Is this an octopus mating? Who knows?

  By far the most promiscuous animal is the bonobo, a species of chimpanzee that will apparently swing on any vine: girl-on-girl, guy-on-guy, something called “penis fencing.” All they’re missing is a sub-class of bonobo pornographers to roll tape they can sell to hard-luck bowerbirds.

  Their “monkey business”? Peddling smut.

  Luckily, for every bonobo there’s a…New Mexico whiptail lizard!