I am America (and so can You!)

by Stephen Colbert

  Wondering why you’ve never heard of these from the Free-Animals’-Willies crowd? Maybe it’s because they don’t have sex at all. They reproduce by parthenogenesis, the way God intended. It’s got Genesis right there in the name. It’s a travesty that these reptilian paragons of morality go sorely neglected as high school mascots, while sex fiends like Hawks, Cougars, and Wildcats get stitched onto our daughters’ sweaters!

  GUT CHECK: So far, you’ve learned everything you always wanted to know about sex that I was willing to tell you. Except one thing: how to get it. In olden days, it was simple. You just accepted her along with a large amount of gold to cement the merger of your Empires. But today it can be so complicated.

  TALES FROM THE HEART:

  The year: yesteryear.

  The scene: a bowling alley.

  I was on my first date with Tr-cy G-ll-w-y (as a gentleman, I never reveal the vowels in the names of my former conquests).6 She was a dark-haired beauty I had met the previous Sunday at a fraternity mixer. Back then, I was shy, and it had taken me all night to work up the courage to send a letter to her parents requesting their permission to take her out. Lucky for me, they had returned it with the “yes” box checked. So here I was, watching lovely Tr-cy approach the lane with a determined stride. Needless to say, I crushed her, 134 to 62. Women respond to dominance, and when I got that tenth frame spare, I knew I had sealed the deal.

  I got to th-rd b-s-.

  * * *

  MY TURN: I’ve had hundreds of girlfriends.

  * * *

  Growing up, I lived in a strict household. All I knew of the opposite sex was what I read on my mom’s shampoo bottles. Women cared about smelling terrific, and they liked to be made to feel soft, silky, and very shiny. While other kids started “petting” and “going down to petting town” as early as sophomore year, I was a late bloomer. But I don’t regret it, because once I bloomed, I turned out to be just what women love: a sex flower.

  I have received many compliments on my stamen.

  I’ll admit it: I miss my swinging bachelor days. I used to have dating down to a science. But now that I’ve permanently and happily hung up my single-guy sombrero, I’m glad to share my trade secrets with the next generation.

  It’s on a hook in my attic.

  FOR THE LADIES

  Dating Do’s

  First, some crucial advice: Be on your guard. You might be looking for a life partner, but your date’s most likely looking for a disco partner. Being cautious lets a man know that he’ll have to put in some effort to make your acquaintance, and the right kind of guy will respect you for it. That said, show some cleavage. It lets a man know that you’re confident enough to show some cleavage. So put on something that makes you feel like he’ll feel you’re sexy, and get ready to have fun. If you go out to dinner, let him pay. You deserve it. Plus, offering to pay makes you look like you’ve got money to burn. Before you know it, he’ll be hitting you up for loans and asking to borrow your car. I’ve done it dozens of times. And during the meal, order something that will get his attention, like a side of bacon for dessert. I can’t think of anything sexier.

  Except maybe Canadian bacon. Exotic.

  FOR THE FELLAS

  How to entice a woman

  Real ladies want a Real Man. What’s a Real Man? Well, I’m a Real Man, and there’s nothing I can do about that, even though some people want me to apologize for it. Well, no go. I will continue treating a lady like a lady even though it’s enough to get you smacked with a lawsuit these days. My legal defense team has advised me not to say more about it than that.

  So, what is a Real Man, again?

  A Real Man is someone who walks through life the way a pilot walks through an airplane. Cool, calm, and checking out the sexy stews. No matter how tough the situation gets, a Real Man never lets on about the faulty landing gear.

  They’ll find out soon enough.

  The point is, if you want to attract the ladies, there are a few things you will need to know about being a man, and luckily for you, you’ve come to the right book.

  How to tie a bowtie

  Let’s face it—ladies like a man who looks good, and part of this means dressing well. In my line of work, I’m in a tuxedo all the time. It’s the Emmys one week, announcing a boxing match the next. But even if you’re a garbage man or you work at MSNBC, you’re going to want to know how to tie a bowtie. Clip-ons are for losers. Nothing ruins your special date night faster than having someone come up to you and say, “Can we get some more shrimp puffs?”

  So here’s how you do it…

  Start with the left end a little longer than the right end. That’s your left. If someone else is tying it on you, it’s their right. If you’re left-handed, you’re on your own. Now, slip the short end under the long end. After that, slip the long end under the short end.7 Now, fold the short end into a bow shape and, holding that against your neck, fold the long flap over the front of the tie. There should be a little pocket in there. Push the rest of the tie through that. Goddamn it! That does not look right. Take that part of the tie out. Pinch it a little and feed it through there until it looks nice. Smooth out the right side. Slip a finger into the left bow. Pull the left bow through the hole. Great, it’s all jumbled. Try holding on to the right side. Man, this looks like shit. Let’s start again.

  Okay, grab the three layers on the right and gently pull the left bow through the hole. Flatten the left half of the front. That’ll have to do.

  Hint: Buy an ascot.

  How to act in the Men’s locker room

  The towel-snapping alone

  This really doesn’t have anything to do with dating, but hey, as a man it’s something you should know. The gym is a minefield of homo-danger. So watch your eyes. I recommend focusing on the lockers themselves. Examine the metal ventilation grooves and how the latch engages with the lock. One misplaced look can lead to all sorts of unpleasant misunderstandings. We’ve all been there. One minute you’re toweling off your shins, next moment you’re at a nightclub named “The Gandy Dancer” toweling off everything else.

  How to ask out a woman

  98% of the confusion in modern relationships starts right here. Be direct about your intentions, like this: “Good evening, (Insert Girl Name Here), would you be interested in going on a date and potentially bearing my children and quitting your job to raise them?” They’ll appreciate your candor. Don’t fall into the trap of saying something like “Hey, how would you like to hang out sometime?” Then the girl doesn’t know if it’s a date or not. And one thing leads to another and the next thing you know you’re living with a woman who might just be your friend.

  Flipside? She’ll go halfsies.

  How to act on the first date

  If you want your first date to lead to another, follow these two simple rules. One, ALWAYS order for the woman. She’s wrapped up in food issues. A woman is afraid if she orders the entrée she’s going to look like a pig, but if she only gets a salad, you’ll think she’s anorexic. Take the guilt and shame away from her. Plus, it lets her know who’s going to be in charge in the bedroom. Two, don’t do all the talking. It’s rude. Do two-thirds of the talking. That’s why I keep a chess clock in my jacket pocket.

  Lower your expectations

  A date doesn’t have to be perfect. You’re not going to the barber, for gosh-sakes. Are you about to meet the woman of your dreams? Probably not. So just think of each date as a love scrimmage to prepare you for the marriage playoffs. Nobody’s keeping score. But for the record, I’m winning.

  Be a gentleman

  Chivalry never goes out of style. Open doors; pull out chairs; offer to undo your own belt.

  How to dance

  No way around it, women will judge your potential in the sack by how you acquit yourself on the dance floor. So, a few rules. Never dance alone. If you have to, hover-dance around the perimeter of a group of women dancing together and wait for one to respond to your display. Try holding your arm
s akimbo. In the poor lighting of a dance club, this makes you appear larger. If one of them does turn to you, apply your move. I do what I call the “Colbert Shuffle.” I shuffle to the left for four steps, then shuffle back to the right for four steps. Adjust to tempo.

  Pointing and laughing is a response.

  THE COLBERT SHUFFLE

  FINDING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE

  Let face it: Finding Mr./Miss Right is no picnic.

  Have you tried looking at a picnic?

  But where others see a problem, I see a free-market opportunity. That’s why I’ve set up my own dating service for the Colbert Nation. I call it ColbertCoupling. It’s a great way for like-minded heroes like you to meet one another, and it should be up and running at the ColbertNation.com website by the time you read this. [Editors note: Due to a class action lawsuit, this web service is no longer available.]

  My single friends say they’re frustrated with popular dating sites like eHarmony and Match.com. No matter how much they lie on their questionnaires, they can’t find that special someone. The problem is that too many of these sites rely on touchy-feely “emotional compatibility,” when really all that matters is that you agree on most things. And if you’re reading this, you do agree on most things, which are the things I agree on, so you’ve got a head start.

  Here’s a sample of the questionnaire potential lovebirds will encounter at my web portal. Why not stop by and give it a shot? (Especially if you’re a lady. Honestly, it’s kind of a sausage-fest at the moment.)

  THE LOVE OF LAST RESORT

  Of course, while you’re beating the bushes for a mate, the answer might be to just shake the family tree. An attractive cousin might fall out.8

  Now, Nation, I have always been pro-cousin marriage. It is a great way to keep the bloodline pure. My own family tree is not so much a tree as it is a circle. Kind of looks like a tree eating itself.

  And there’s nothing wrong with it.

  Don’t believe me? Let’s ask God. He’s got some hard and fast rules in this area.

  Let’s see…Leviticus Chapter 18 Verse 12–“Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father’s sister”…blah blah blah “thy mother’s sister”…yeech…“of thy father’s brother”…man there were some sick Levites…” of thy daughter-in-law”…fair enough…“of thy brother’s wife.” Nope! Nothing about cousins.

  This is great news, because dating your cousin is only a few nucleotides away from dating yourself. And I don’t know about you, but I rarely get through the morning shave without wanting to ask myself out. Will I say yes? Who knows? I’ve yet to get up the courage.

  * * *

  YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE—but you can certainly take the shortcut. Instead of paging through Match.com, try flipping through the family photo album.

  * * *

  Did you know that the U.S. is the only Western country with cousin-marriage restrictions? Hey Congress, stay out of our bedrooms! Unless, of course, those bedrooms are filled with gay people.

  Gay cousins? Tough call.

  * * *

  CANARY IN A COAL MINE

  I hope that the Heroes out there heed my advice and find the love they deserve, because there are a lot of people who don’t want men and women to get together. They’d rather see us in constant battle, a war between the sexes, where the battleground is sex itself.

  Case in point: Kegels.

  Now, if you’re like me, when you hear the word “Kegel” you immediately think of the German word for ten-pin bowling, or kegeln. Well, the other day I was searching the Internet for news on the latest standings in the professional Kegel league and I got the shock of my life when this shocking page from the Mayo Clinic popped up:

  Kegel exercises: How to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles.

  Now, I’m not squeamish about the female, you know, parts. But I’m not about to go into detail about what this “clinic” is suggesting women do. Suffice it to say, they must want women to work out the muscles down there for a reason of their own.

  These strengthening exercises are called “kegels” and are named for Dr. Arnold M. Kegel M.D. I’ve heard of some weird fetishes, but this guy must have been a real sicko.

  Now, the ladies who sign on and install a Bowflex™ in their privates say that there are all sorts of benefits, including increased sexual pleasure for both partners. I’m not buying it. Hey, everyone loves a firm handshake, but who wants to buy a car from the salesman who crushes your hand in a death grip?

  The worst part is that their operation is covert. Any woman could be doing it at any time, any place. Look around you right now. Do you see a woman? Is she flexing? There’s no legal way to know.

  What the hell are they training for? It ain’t pickin’ stawberries.

  And they got us where they want us. Might as well put a bear trap in a honey pot.

  So fellas, you’ve been warned. From here on out, every casual conquest has been turned into a deadly game of vaginal roulette.

  * * *

  Wow, “vaginal roulette.” That was a little racy. I’m out of breath, and I’m sure so are some of you. Let’s take a cool shower in Matthew 5:29—“If your eye—even if it is your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away.”

  I feel better already.

  * * *

  STEPHEN SPEAKS FOR ME

  A CHANCE FOR AVERAGE AMERICANS TO AGREE WITH WHAT I THINK

  Your Soul Mate

  Hey there. I’m your soul mate, the one person on this earth who’s perfect for you in every way. Yes, I exist, and yes, everyone else you’ve been with is a pale substitute. We’re meant to be together, but we’ve never met.

  You see, there are 6 billion people in the world and you encounter at most about 1,000 people per day, so statistically our paths would cross only once every 16,500 years. If we’re going to beat those odds you need to work harder, because so far you’ve done a spectacular job of messing this up.

  Remember when you bought that pack of gum and the clerk asked if you wanted a bag, but you were in a rush so you said no? If you’d waited that extra three seconds you would have missed the next train, making you late for the play, so they wouldn’t have let you in the theater until the first scene was over, and I would have entered the lobby—also late—and we’d have gotten to talking. We probably would have just skipped the play and gotten coffee and then…Pow! Fifty years of golden summers at the lake house.

  Another example: Remember when you signed up for a yoga class? You should have signed up for a pottery class. I was taking a pottery class! How hard is that to figure out? And don’t just sign up for a pottery class next time, because I might have moved on to hip-hop cardio. I can’t tell you exactly where I’ll be because if you’re really my soul mate you’ll just know. Please just get it right. Last time, I dealt with my disappointment by sleeping with the pottery instructor.

  I guess what I’m saying is, next time you think about going to the museum today instead of tomorrow when I’ll be there, ask yourself: Do you really want to spend the rest of your life alone? Are you going to take the bus or are you going to walk? If you do walk and it’s raining, how are you going to see me under my umbrella, unless I don’t have one and you share yours, or I share mine and that’s how we meet? So remember: Never leave the house without an umbrella…or with one. It’s your choice. I think I explained pretty clearly what’s at stake.

  Are you reading this at a book store? I’m right behind you. Turn around!

  Am I still there?

  God, you’re a slow reader.

  Point is, hanging over every decision you make, however small, is the sword of our loneliness. I am out there. Find me. But please hurry. I know we’re meant to be together for eternity, but I can’t wait forever.