I am America (and so can You!)

by Stephen Colbert

  Oh my God! I just ran into my pottery teacher. That’s so random.

  * * *

  * * *

  SEXUAL ROLE-PLAY QUIZ

  Keeping a relationship fresh for years after attraction has faded takes work. I’m talking about Fantasy role-playing. It’s a time-tested sexual super-charger that allows a couple to pretend in an intimate and loving way that they are making love to someone they don’t know. But just because it’s naughty, doesn’t mean it’s a free for all. There are rules. If your spouse comes out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a red hood and a basket of goodies, you sure as hell better have a wolf head on.

  Match these other sexual fantasy players from the left column with their appropriate partner on the right. Good luck!

  * * *

  fig 9. STEPHEN COLBERT

  CHAPTER 7

  HOMOSEXUALS

  “Just wrap your legs ’round these velvet rims. And strap your hands ’cross my engines.”

  –“Bruce,” Rock-Hard Jersey Shore-boy

  I AM A GAY AMERICAN. AND I COULDN’T BE GAYER NOW THAT THE GAYS ARE ON THE RUN. OF COURSE, I’M USING “GAY” THE WAY OUR FOUNDING FATHERS INTENDED, TO MEAN “HAPPY,” BEFORE IT WAS STOLEN FROM THEM BY THE GAYS, JUST LIKE THEY STOLE THEIR TIGHTS, WIGS, AND CODPIECES.

  Nation, we’re at War. And we can’t let the gays gain any more ground on our American language. Which is why we’re going to start taking their words. First word we reclaim? “Homosexual.” From now on, it’s going to mean what it always should have: heterosexual. Think about it. “Homo” means “the same.” And we’re all born with the same sexual orientation—straight. Ask any baby.

  Girl babies, drop that teat

  If you don’t share my outrage about this, the homosexual agenda has already got you in its velvet grip. Want to know what its other hand is doing? Just use your imagination. You’re probably picturing something pretty steamy, right? Maybe a filthy little scenario taking place in a bathroom stall of a TGIFriday’s while your wife and kids unsuspectingly eat their chicken wings. And your little gay fantasy just proves my point. Every single one of us fights a daily battle to suppress the insurgency raging in our loins. It’s a long hard slog, and we’ve all had the urge to cut and run.

  $8.95 for 10 wings!?

  THINGS THAT ARE TRYING TO TURN ME GAY and THEIR SUCCESS ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN

  But Americans are fighters. We didn’t give up in World War II against the Germans just because Nazism “felt good.” The homosexual agenda is nothing more than appeasement. They are sexual Neville Chamberlains. They want us to lay down our arms and pick up rainbow-colored white flags. But we can’t let them win our hearts and minds with their thighs and abs. We must crush them.

  a.k.a. “Richard Chamberlains”

  But Americans are fighters. We didn’t give up in World War II against the Germans just because Nazism “felt good.” The homosexual agenda is nothing more than appeasement. They are sexual Neville Chamberlains. They want us to lay down our arms and pick up rainbow-colored white flags. But we can’t let them win our hearts and minds with their thighs and abs. We must crush them.

  Now I’ve got nothing against gay people. I just don’t like how they flaunt it. I’m perfectly fine with someone choosing to be gay, as long as he marries a woman and has kids like the rest of us. And if he has to flaunt it, there’s a place for that: in the privacy of his own home. Which should be a jail cell.

  Gentrify that!

  * * *

  GUT-SPEAKING: We all know that people in prison engage in homosexual acts, right? Which means that criminals are more likely to be homosexuals. So wouldn’t it save us a lot of tax dollars to simply throw all gay people in prison? You know, cut out the middleman.

  * * *

  Hey fellas, how come no middlewoman?

  WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

  The problem is, these days there are more and more positive gay role models. When did gays become people to look up to? What happened to the good ol’ stereotype of the creepy guy sneaking back and forth from the bar with no windows to the movie theater that doesn’t say what it’s showing?

  Also, the movie was never in focus.

  Turn on the TV these days and it’s a virtual Pride Parade of admirable homosexuals. Ellen. Melissa Etheridge. Lance Bass. All the more respectable because they have the courtesy to identify themselves, unlike the “Surprise Gays.” The SG’s are celebrities that act manly and tough, then years later, they “come out of the pantry,” and your friends start looking at you funny for having posters of them up in your weight room. All of a sudden, no one wants to spot you.

  THE UNSEEN ENEMY

  That’s why I’ve designed this handy flow chart that will allow you to identify the enemy from a safe distance. I’ve gotten a lot of interest from the Department of Defense.

  As I said, this is a War, and even if we win, after it’s over we’ll need to find where all the “land mines” are hidden so we don’t step on one and have him go off in our face.

  Examples of SG’s are Mr. Sulu, Doogie Howser, and this one other famous guy who’s about to gay surprise everybody.

  It’s not me.

  SO HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

  Where did all these “The Gays” come from?

  Well, there are those who argue that some people are born gay. But this is just silly, because we are made in God’s image. So if someone were born gay, that would mean God is part gay, and he is definitely not. He is 100% hetero. God is all Man.

  And I can prove it.

  BIBLICAL ACTS THAT PROVE GOD IS NOT GAY

  CREATED MAN AND WOMAN: Took one of Adam’s ribs and made Eve. If God were gay, he would have turned Adam’s rib into Dermot Mulroney.

  DESTROYED THE CITY OF SODOM: He didn’t rent a summer cottage there, he destroyed it!

  HE TURNED MOSES’ “STAFF” INTO A “SERPENT”: If he was gay, it’d be the other way around.

  TURNED WATER INTO WINE: Not Appletinis. Not Cosmos. God likes his booze straight and served from an animal skin.

  It’s Amen—NOT “Ah, men.”

  It’s not “Hail Larry, Full of Grace.”

  And it’s not “Our Father who art in Kevin.”

  So I think we can put to bed this crazy idea that God is gay.

  Okay, I’m gonna roust it for a second because I think it bears repeating. He’s not gay. Back to sleep, idea.

  Hetero sleep

  And He certainly doesn’t believe in Gay Marriage. The institution of marriage is meant for a man and a woman. It’s right there in the Bible, right after God tells everyone to stone the gays. Nowhere does God say he wants pairs of men to be fruitful and multiply. If that’s what He’d wanted, He would have given gay men ovaries and breasts and luscious lips. But he only gave them the luscious lips.

  AND YET…

  The biggest threat facing America today—next to socialized medicine, the Dyson vacuum cleaner, and the recumbent bicycle—is Gay Marriage.

  It’s like the Red Coats, Green Peace, and the Yellow Peril combined.

  I call it The Lavender Armageddon. And it is the biggest threat facing America today. (See above.)

  Now, the Man-Hugger huggers out there are saying, “Mary, please! What about the Iraq War? Surely that’s a bigger threat than Gay Marriage.” Yes, Iraq is the Central Front in the War on Terror© and We’re Fighting Them Over There So We Don’t Have to Fight Them Over Here.™ But consider this: who, other than terrorists, wants to destroy our way of life? The Gays. Allowing them to marry would be like strapping on a suicide vest with a matching cummerbund.1

  They say this.

  When I married my wife she became Mrs. Stephen Colbert. Likewise, I became Mr. Stephen Colbert. We went from being two autonomous individuals to a team whose sole focus was winning the game of life. By winning, of course, I mean procreation. And we have won! We have procreated. And I mean no disrespect to those readers who have not had children. There is no shame in being a genetic dead end.

 
Dinosaurs are extinct and more popular than ever!

  Now marriage involves a lot of sacrifice. For instance, my wife frowns on me having sex with anyone but her. If marriage is suddenly available to everyone, I’m not sure I want to make those sacrifices. I guess it’s like that wise old joke: I don’t want to belong to any club that would have gay people as a member.2

  At one time (I believe it was 1952), acceptance of the gay lifestyle was so low that there were exactly two homosexuals in the continental United States. One was male, and one was female, so they never tried to get married. But today tolerance is at a dangerous level, and if it keeps increasing at current rates, everyone will gay marry, and our grandchildren’s grandchildren may never be born. Or worse.

  They’ll be gay adopted.3

  * * *

  STEPHEN SPEAKS FOR ME

  A CHANCE FOR AVERAGE AMERICANS TO AGREE WITH WHAT I THINK

  Austin, a formerly gay man

  My name is Austin, and I am a reformed homosexual. I was only six years old the first time I chose to pervert nature. I was with my mother at the bike store, and I decided to feel a thrill of excitement when I noticed a shiny purple Schwinn with plastic flowers on the basket.

  From that point on, I chose to feel different from the other boys in my class. Until the age of twelve, I merely elected to feel a vague sense of not quite fitting in. But then, when puberty hit, I resolved to be alienated from and picked on by male peers.

  I kept up this sinful pattern well into my twenties. I chose the urges that made my father stop talking to me; I selected the longings that led a group of morally stronger men to beat me up in a parking lot; I even picked the sense of contentment I felt during a three-year live-in relationship with an older man. But all that time, I knew I was living against God’s will. And so, I tried everything I could think of to turn straight.

  I went on dates with women. I joined a fantasy sports league. I changed the shape of my mustache.

  Nothing.

  I even tried hormone therapy to raise my testosterone levels. All this did was make me go fat and bald, which, in addition to my pale skin and short stature, turned me into what’s known in the gay community as a “garbanzo bean.” In lesbian circles they’re called “chickpeas.”

  Then one day at Hot Yoga, I saw a flier on the Community Board about a gay rehabilitation group called God Also Yearns. They teach that God desires us to accept the true path of love.

  I took the plunge and entered their proven three-part program.

  Accept the authority of your spiritual counselors: They not only condemned my wicked acts, but also sternly judged my clothing and income level.

  Admit your sins: To purge them, I wrote them down. It became a very popular blog.

  Submit to a higher power: This consisted mostly of electroshock.

  The God Also Yearns counselors said I could be completely cured if I attended their four-week rehabilitation camp. I could only afford a two-week course. They said that would also do the trick.

  They were right. At the camp, I joined in healing acts of Christian heterosexual fellowship such as heterosexual cookouts and heterosexual trust falls. The highlight of the two weeks was performing in the camp’s traditional-values version of Rent, called Lent. I played Wally, the Republican Senator who casts the deciding vote for the Marriage Protection Amendment. I’ve never clogged with such passion.

  My God Also Yearns counselors taught me that homosexuality is an addiction like smoking, only you can still do it on an airplane. To quit you have to go Cold Turkey, by imagining that your homosexual partner is a slimy, puckered, cold turkey. Unless you’re into “cold turkeys,” in which case you definitely need the four-week course.

  Today, I am married to a wonderful woman, Afke. I don’t hide my shameful past from her. During the physical act of love I will often talk about it just to remind us both how much better it is with a girl.

  I also call in to a number of radio shows.

  I hope my story is inspiring to any homosexuals who have bought this book not to read, but to carry as a signal to other homosexuals that they are willing to be approached and seduced. This book’s distinctive cover would make it exceptionally good for that, but take it from me: there is another choice.

  * * *

  THE FINAL THREAT

  “The greatest trick the devil ever played was

  convincing the world that he did not exist.”

  —Charles Baudelaire, French poet, and I’m going to go out on a limb here and say “gay guy”

  As gay people are increasingly integrated into society and accepted as friends and coworkers, there is a new threat looming on the horizon.

  The threat that we will forget to feel threatened by them.

  On this final battlefield, the greatest casualty of all may be our anger.

  TAKE SOME ACTION!

  There are three simple steps you can take today to maintain your anger against the gays.

  Next time you get cut off in traffic, say to yourself, “I bet that guy is gay.”

  Picture your wife cheating on you with a gay guy.

  Go to the bathroom when everyone else in the house is asleep, look straight at the guy in the mirror, and whisper, “You’re gay.” If he nods, you will get angry.

  * * *

  THE HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA

  There are two things we know for sure about gays. One: they are neat and organized. And two: they are out to destroy our society. Know thine enemy by correctly numbering the top ten goals of the gay agenda in order of the gays’ priorities.

  * * *

  fig 10. STEPHEN COLBERT

  CHAPTER 8

  HIGHER EDUCATION

  “Teach your children well.”

  –David Crosby, bloated folk singer & notorious lesbian inseminator

  IF THERE’S A BIGGER CONTRIBUTOR TO LEFT-WING ELITIST BRAINWASHING THAN COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES, I’D LIKE TO SEE IT. THERE’S AN OLD SAYING, “A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE IS A DANGEROUS THING.” WHICH MEANS A LOT OF KNOWLEDGE MUST BE A REALLY DANGEROUS THING. AND IT IS. LOOK NO FURTHER THAN the example of Ted Kaczynski, a.k.a. the Unabomber. He skipped sixth grade, got a Bachelor’s from Harvard followed by a Master’s and a Ph.D., and then embarked on a distinguished academic career of blowing people up. Most Ph.D. biographies have similar endings.

  Figure of speech. Don’t show it to me.

  Ted Kaczynski’s last job before he went into full-time Unabombing? Assistant Professor of Mathematics at the University of California, Berkeley, a.k.a. University of Blame America First, Berkeley. Yes, folks, he capped off all those years of being a student by becoming a professor. Let’s face it—he’d have been crazy not to go crazy, which only proves my point: the greatest threat facing America today—outside of flag burning, yoga, and vaccination—is higher education.

  Hey Docs! How about a vaccine against yoga?

  Just exactly what makes colleges so dangerous? It’s the fact that their classrooms and lecture halls are filled with a poison known as New Ideas.

  Racism, genocide, and bears were all once New Ideas.

  New Ideas hurt Americans in two ways: