Jurgen: A Comedy of Justice

by James Branch Cabell

  38.

  As to Applauded Precedents

  Afterward Jurgen abode in Hell, and complied with the customs ofthat country. And the tale tells that a week or it might be ten daysafter his meeting with Florimel, Jurgen married her, without beingat all hindered by his having three other wives. For the devils, hefound, esteemed polygamy, and ranked it above mere skill attorturing the damned, through a literal interpretation of the sayingthat it is better to marry than to burn.

  "And formerly," they told Jurgen, "you could hardly come across amarriage anywhere that was not hallmarked 'made in Heaven': butsince we have been at war with Heaven we have quite taken away thattrade from our enemies. So you may marry here as much as you like."

  "Why, then," says Jurgen, "I shall marry in haste, and repeat atleisure. But can one obtain a divorce here?"

  "Oh, no," said they. "We trafficked in them for a while, but wefound that all persons who obtained divorces through our industrypromptly thanked Heaven they were free at last. In the face of suchingratitude we gave over that profitless trade, and now there is amanufactory, for specialties in men's clothing, upon the oldstatutory grounds."

  "But these makeshifts are unsatisfactory, and I wish to know, inconfidence, what do you do in Hell when there is no longer anyputting up with your wives."

  The devils all blushed. "We would prefer not to tell you," saidthey, "for it might get to their ears."

  "Now do I perceive," said Jurgen, "that Hell is pretty much like anyother place."

  So Jurgen and the lovely Vampire were duly married. First Jurgen'snails were trimmed, and the parings were given to Florimel. Abroomstick was laid before them, and they stepped over it. ThenFlorimel said "Temon!" thrice, and nine times did Jurgen reply"Arigizator!" Afterward the Emperor Jurgen and his bride were givena posset of dudaim and eruca, and the devils modestly withdrew.

  Thereafter Jurgen abode in Hell, and complied with the customs ofthat country, and was tolerably content for a while. Now Jurgenshared with Florimel that quiet cleft which she had fitted out inimitation of her girlhood home: and they lived in the suburbs ofBarathum, very respectably, by the shore of the sea. There was, ofcourse, no water in Hell; indeed the importation of water wasforbidden, under severe penalties, in view of its possible use forbaptismal purposes: this sea was composed of the blood that had beenshed by piety in furthering the kingdom of the Prince of Peace, andwas reputed to be the largest ocean in existence. And it explainedthe nonsensical saying which Jurgen had so often heard, as to Hell'sbeing paved with good intentions.

  "For Epigenes of Rhodes is right, after all," said Jurgen, "insuggesting a misprint: and the word should be 'laved'."

  "Why, to be sure, your majesty," assented Florimel: "ah, but Ialways said your majesty had remarkable powers of penetration, quiteapart from your majesty's scholarship."

  For Florimel had this cajoling way of speaking. None the less, allvampires have their foibles, and are nourished by the vigor andyouth of their lovers. So one morning Florimel complained of beingunwell, and attributed it to indigestion.

  Jurgen stroked her head meditatively; then he opened his glitteringshirt, and displayed what was plain enough to see.

  "I am full of vigor and I am young," said Jurgen, "but my vigor andmy youthfulness are of a peculiar sort, and are not wholesome. Solet us have no more of your tricks, or you will quite spoil yourvacation by being very ill indeed."

  "But I had thought all emperors were human!" said Florimel, in aflutter of blushing penitence, exceedingly pretty to observe.

  "Even so, sweetheart, all emperors are not Jurgens," he replied,magnificently. "Therefore you will find that not every emperor isjustly styled the father of his people, or is qualified by nature towield the sceptre of Noumaria. I trust this lesson will suffice."

  "It will," said Florimel, with a wry face.

  So thereafter they had no further trouble of this sort, and thewound on Jurgen's breast was soon healed.

  And Jurgen kept away from the damned, of course, because he andFlorimel were living respectably. They paid a visit to Jurgen'sfather, however, very shortly after they were married, because thiswas the proper thing to do. And Coth was civil enough, for Coth, andvoiced a hope that Florimel might have a good influence upon Jurgenand make him worth his salt, but did not pretend to be optimistic.Yet this visit was never returned, because Coth considered hiswickedness was too great for him to be spared a moment of torment,and so would not leave his flame.

  "And really, your majesty," said Florimel, "I do not wish for aninstant to have the appearance of criticizing your majesty'srelatives. But I do think that your majesty's father might havecalled upon us, at least once, particularly after I offered to havea fire made up for him to sit on any time he chose to come. Iconsider that your majesty's father assumes somewhat extravagantairs, in the lack of any definite proof as to his having been a bitmore wicked than anybody else: and the child-like candor which hasalways been with me a leading characteristic prevents concealment ofmy opinion."

  "Oh, it is just his conscience, dear."

  "A conscience is all very well in its place, your majesty; and I,for one, would never have been able to endure the interminable laborof seducing and assassinating so many fine young fellows if myconscience had not assured me that it was all the fault of mysister-in-law. But, even so, there is no sense in letting yourconscience make a slave of you: and when conscience reduces yourmajesty's father to ignoring the rules of common civility andbehaving like a candle-wick, I am sure that matters are beingcarried too far."

  "And right you are, my dear. However, we do not lack for company. Socome now, make yourself fine, and shake the black dog from yourback, for we are spending the evening with the Asmodeuses."

  "And will your majesty talk politics again?"

  "Oh, I suppose so. They appear to like it."

  "I only wish that I did, your majesty," observed Florimel, and sheyawned by anticipation.

  For with the devils Jurgen got on garrulously. The religion of Hellis patriotism, and the government is an enlightened democracy. Thiscontented the devils, and Jurgen had learned long ago never to fallout with either of these codes, without which, as the devils werefond of observing, Hell would not be what it is.

  They were, to Jurgen's finding, simple-minded fiends who allowedthemselves to be deplorably overworked by the importunate dead. Theygot no rest because of the damned, who were such persons as had beensaddled with a conscience, and who in consequence demandedinterminable torments. And at the time of Jurgen's coming into Hellpolitical affairs were in a very bad way, because there was aconsiderable party among the younger devils who were for compoundingthe age-old war with Heaven, at almost any price, in order to getrelief from this unceasing influx of conscientious dead persons insearch of torment. For it was well-known that when Satan submittedto be bound in chains there would be no more death: and the annoyingimmigration would thus be ended. So said the younger devils: andconsidered Grandfather Satan ought to sacrifice himself for thegeneral welfare.

  Then too they pointed out that Satan had been perforce theirpresiding magistrate ever since the settlement of Hell, because achange of administration is inexpedient in war-time: so that Satanmust term after term be re-elected: and of course Satan had beenvoted absolute power in everything, since this too is customary inwartime. Well, and after the first few thousand years of this theyounger devils began to whisper that such government was not idealdemocracy.

  But their more conservative elders were enraged by these effete andwild new notions, and dealt with their juniors somewhat severely,tearing them into bits and quite destroying them. The elder devilsthen proceeded to inflict even more startling punishments.

  * * * * *

  So Grandfather Satan was much vexed, because the laws were beingviolated everywhere: and a day or two after Jurgen's advent Satanissued a public appeal to his subjects, that the code of Hell shouldbe better respected. But under a democratic government people do notlike
to be perpetually bothering about law and order, as one of theolder and stronger devils pointed out to Jurgen.

  Jurgen drew a serious face, and he stroked his chin. "Why, but lookyou," says Jurgen, "in deploring the mob spirit that has beenmanifesting itself sporadically throughout this country against theadvocates of peace and submission to the commands of Heaven andother pro-Celestial propaganda,--and in warning loyal citizenshipthat such outbursts must be guarded against, as hurtful to thepublic welfare of Hell,--why, Grandfather Satan should bear in mindthat the government, in large measure, holds the remedy of the evilin its own hands." And Jurgen looked very severely toward Satan.

  "Come now," says Phlegeton, nodding his head, which was like that ofa bear, except for his naked long, red ears, inside each of whichwas a flame like that of a spirit-lamp: "come now, but this youngemperor in the fine shirt speaks uncommonly well!"

  "So we spoke together in Pandemonium," said Belial, wistfully, "inthe brave days when Pandemonium was newly built and we were all impstogether."

  "Yes, his talk is of the old school, than which there is nonebetter. So pray continue, Emperor Jurgen," cried the elderly devils,"and let us know what you are talking about."

  "Why, merely this," says Jurgen, and again he looked severely towardSatan: "I tell you that as long as sentimental weakness marks theprosecution of offences in violation of the laws necessitated bywar-time conditions; as long as deserved punishment for overt actsof pro-Celestialism is withheld; as long as weak-kneed clemencycondones even a suspicion of disloyal thinking: then just so longwill a righteously incensed, if now and then misguided patriotismtake into its own hands vengeance upon the offenders."

  "But, still--" said Grandfather Satan.

  "Ineffectual administration of the law," continued Jurgen, sternly,"is the true defence of these outbursts: and far more justlydeplorable than acts of mob violence is the policy of condonationthat furnishes occasion for them. The patriotic people of Hell arenot in a temper to be trifled with, now that they are at war.Conviction for offenses against the nation should not be behedgedabout with technicalities devised for over-refined peacetimejurisprudence. Why, there is no one of you, I am sure, but has athis tongue's tip the immortal words of Livonius as to this verytopic: and so I shall not repeat them. But I fancy you will agreewith me that what Livonius says is unanswerable."

  So it was that Jurgen went on at a great rate, and looking alwaysvery sternly at Grandfather Satan.

  "Yes, yes!" said Satan, wriggling uncomfortably, but still notthinking of Jurgen entirely: "yes, all this is excellent oratory,and not for a moment would I decry the authority of Livonius. Andyour quotation is uncommonly apropos and all that sort of thing. Butwith what are you charging me?"

  "With sentimental weakness," retorted Jurgen. "Was it not onlyyesterday one of the younger devils was brought before you, upon thecharge that he had said the climate in Heaven was better than theclimate here? And you, sir, Hell's chief magistrate--you it was whoactually asked him if he had ever uttered such a disloyal heresy!"

  "Now, but what else was I to do?" said Satan, fidgeting, andswishing his great bushy tail so that it rustled against his horns,and still not really turning his mind from that ancient thought.

  "You should have remembered, sir, that a devil whose patriotism isimpugned is a devil to be punished; and that there is no time to beprying into irrevelant questions of his guilt or innocence.Otherwise, I take it, you will never have any real democracy inHell."

  Now Jurgen looked very impressive, and the devils were all cheeringhim.

  "And so," says Jurgen, "your disgusted hearers were wearied by suchfrivolous interrogatories, and took the fellow out of your hands,and tore him into particularly small bits. Now I warn you,Grandfather Satan, that it is your duty as a democratic magistratejust so to deal with such offenders first of all, and to ask yoursilly questions afterward. For what does Rudigernus say outrightupon this point? and Zantipher Magnus, too? Why, my dear sir, I askyou plainly, where in the entire history of internationaljurisprudence will you find any more explicit language than thesetwo employ?"

  "Now certainly," says Satan, with his bleak smile, "you cite veryrespectable authority: and I shall take your reproof in good part. Iwill endeavor to be more strict in the future. And you must notblame my laxity too severely, Emperor Jurgen, for it is a long whilesince any man came living into Hell to instruct us how to managematters in time of war. No doubt, precisely as you say, we do need alittle more severity hereabouts, and would gain by adopting morehuman methods. Rudigernus, now?--yes, Rudigernus is ratherunanswerable, and I concede it frankly. So do you come home and havesupper with me, Emperor Jurgen, and we will talk over these things."

  Then Jurgen went off arm in arm with Grandfather Satan, and Jurgen'serudition and sturdy common-sense were forevermore established amongthe older and more solid element in Hell. And Satan followed Jurgen'ssuggestions, and the threatened rebellion was satisfactorilydiscouraged, by tearing into very small fragments anybody whogrumbled about anything. So that all the subjects of Satan wentabout smiling broadly all the time at the thought of what mightbefall them if they seemed dejected. Thus was Hell a happierlooking place because of Jurgen's coming.