Craving Constellations

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  I could hear Trix and Dragon talking, and I decided to be a little sneaky and eavesdrop on their conversation. I was curious what they had to talk about even though I probably shouldn’t have been. Trix could talk to a tree for hours and never run out of things to say. I crept out to the hallway and stood out of sight next to Trix’s doorway.

  “Today, Auntie Vera came over and brought a bunch of Mama’s stuff. She said Mama’s ass was too big to fit into her jeans.”

  “Don’t say ass, Trix. Your mama would flip if she heard you.”

  “Okay, I won’t say ass. Did you know that we have flowers outside? They’re in the yard. I picked Mama some before our dance party.”

  “That what you were doin’ tonight? Havin’ a dance party?”

  “Yup. Me and Mama have dance parties all the time. Mama’s a good dancer.”

  “I saw you singin’. You like that music?”

  “YEAH! That’s The Lumineers. They have lots of good music. I like Michael Jackson, too, but Mama says he’s dead. He’s got good music for dancing though.”

  “Oh yeah? I’ll have to check him out then.” I heard a smile in Dragon’s voice. “All right, little warrior, it’s time for you to go to sleep. You want Mama to come in and kiss you good night?”

  “Yeah.” I heard Trix yawn. “Can you sing me a song first? Mama always sings me a song before I go to sleep.”

  “I don’t know any kid songs—”

  “That’s okay! You can sing anything. Mama sings all sorts of stuff.”

  “You really want me to sing? Not a good singer, little warrior.”

  Trix didn’t say anything, and I could imagine her snuggled up in bed, nodding her head. There were a few beats of silence before I heard Dragon start to sing. I covered my mouth with my hand to hide a giggle and listened closely to him. It took me a second to recognize what he was singing. His voice was rough, and I could tell he was a little embarrassed even though his only audience was a four-year-old. It crashed into me like a freight train, and I held my hands to my mouth for a completely different reason as the song choice sank in.

  He continued onto the second verse, and I heard Trix whisper, “‘Walk the Line’…Johnny Cash. Good choice, Papa.”

  In that moment, all of my fears and apprehension disappeared as my heart swelled with emotion. I knew what I needed to know. We were his. It was as terrifying and as simple as that.

  I heard him coming toward the door, and I rushed to my room, trying to pretend I hadn’t just eavesdropped on his moment with Trix. I spun around when I heard him right behind me. His eyebrows were raised to his hairline, and he was smirking at me. He knew I’d listened.

  “Trix wants her mama to come give her a kiss,” he told me, searching my eyes. “See, not takin’ your place, baby. I’m just new and exciting.”

  “What are you talking about?” I shook my head like he was crazy and started walking toward the door nonchalantly.

  Before I could pass him, he stepped into my space and leaned down close as his hand reached up to the side of my face. God, I loved when he did that.

  “Baby, I saw your face earlier. Nobody’s takin’ your place. I don’t want that place. I want my place. With you and with her. Okay?”

  I just nodded.

  He spoke so softly, and his hand was so tender on my face that I was frozen. It was like he’d put me in a trance.

  “Go put our girl to bed, yeah?” His eyes darkened, and a wicked smile formed on his lips. “I got plans for us tonight.”

  His words jolted me out of the fog he’d put me in, and I snorted. “Chill out there, stud muffin. You’re not getting any. Did you forget you got the shit beat out of you today?”

  “None of the boys hit me in the jewels, baby. I woulda killed ’em if they did. You’re so worried, you can do all the work,” he said with a grin.

  “Keep dreaming. I’m going to kiss Trix.” I walked out the door and glanced back at him. “I’ll help you with your clothes when I get back.”

  “Fuck yeah, you will,” he mumbled as he glanced down at the cell phone he’d pulled out of his pocket.

  I found myself shaking my head at him for what seemed like the eighty-fifth time tonight. It was either that or laugh. I wasn’t sure how we had gotten to this point—this domestic bliss, putting the kids to bed, sleeping together point. I knew I should be fighting it. Things were moving too quickly. I was keeping secrets, and all of this was going to blow up in my face one way or another. But I just couldn’t stop myself from being glad that he was here. He made me feel safe and wanted. It was a heady feeling.

  When Brenna went to kiss Trix good night, I popped a couple of pills Doc had sent home with me. I had forgotten that I even had them until Grease texted me to remind me that Doc said to take two. I had a pretty high tolerance for any drugs. I thought it was probably because I’d built it up over the years. Most shit I’d dealt with didn’t require anything but bourbon to soothe the aches though. Today was the exception.

  If I were going to sleep, I would have just dealt with the pain. It felt a little like a badge of honor or some shit like that. It was nice to have this shit off my shoulders, like I could finally have Brenna because I’d paid my dues. The pain was temporary, but it meant that no one was going to be in my way with Brenna. She was mine. She’d been mine for five fuckin’ years, and now, if I wanted to be a douche, I could climb to the top of the clubhouse and shout it from the rooftop. Like I said, if I was going to sleep, I’d welcome the pain. But I wasn’t going to sleep. I was going to wait for Brenna to get her ass back in here, and then I was going to taste every inch that I’d missed for five years. For that, I needed some fuckin’ pain relief.

  When she finally walked in, she seemed preoccupied. She was looking at the floor, and her eyebrows were practically meeting at the top of her nose. I sat there, watching her for a minute, and when she didn’t look up, I caught her attention.

  “Trix asleep?”

  I wasn’t starting shit if Trix was awake. I loved my baby girl, but she’d proven more than once that she had no sense of timing. She’d be knocking on the door right as things were getting good if she were still awake.

  “Yeah,” she sighed quietly as she watched me from the doorway.

  “Shut the door, baby,” I told her, but she didn’t move.

  She just stood there, looking at me, like she couldn’t make up her mind. She finally nodded as if the decision was made, and she turned and shut the door. Before she could step away from it, I told her to lock it. Her eyes went wide and dark before she cleared her throat to speak.

  “I can’t. Lock it, I mean. There’s no lock.”

  She sort of stuttered when she was nervous, and for some reason, I found it sexy as hell.

  “We’ll fix that shit tomorrow,” I told her, and my voice sounded about ten times deeper than normal. “Wedge that shoe under it, like you did earlier. We’ll hear her if she’s trying to get in.”

  She nodded again as she stuffed the shoe under the door as far as it would go. She was stalling, shoving that shoe around, crouched in front of the door. She looked ridiculous in a big U of O T-shirt and the long-ass skirt she was wearing when I’d gotten home tonight. I didn’t even think she realized what she had on. It was the weirdest fuckin’ outfit, but the way it shifted around her, skimming her skin and swishing around her hips, made my dick twitch. I let her stall for a minute more before I called her to me.

  “Need help getting this shirt off, Brenna,” I told her even though I really didn’t.

  Whatever Doc gave me in that little plastic bag had me feeling no pain at this point. When I got back from Trix’s room a bit ago, my chest was throbbing. I was glad that I was able to sit with Trix for a bit, but fuck, sitting on her tiny-ass bed had my bruised muscles screaming.

  Brenna came over to help me with my clothes, and I was taken aback by how gorgeous she was. It never got old. It surprised me every time I looked at her. She used to have this confidence about her. She knew sh
e was pretty, but she wasn’t a bitch about it. Now? It was like she didn’t see herself. Richards had done a fuckin’ number on her. For a minute, when she’d knocked Kendra out, I thought I’d seen the old Brenna again, but she’d immediately turned back into the Stepford wife. I was looking forward to fuckin’ the Stepford wife right out of her, and if that didn’t work, I’d try something else.

  She unsnapped my buttons from top to bottom, the opposite of how she’d put it on me an hour ago. Her hands were shaking, and I didn’t know what the fuck to do to make her less nervous, so I just stood there. She licked her lips as she pushed the shirt off my shoulders, and I wiggled my shoulders a little and let it fall to the floor. Yep, these pills from Doc worked fuckin’ great. I was feeling no pain.

  As she reached for the button on my jeans, I stopped her and pushed her chin up to look at me. For the past couple of minutes, she’d been avoiding my eyes, and I wasn’t sure why. I couldn’t read her face, but she seemed really fuckin’ nervous, more nervous than I’d originally thought, Fuck it. It’d be better to just get it over with the first time, right? Like ripping off a Band-Aid. It wasn’t like we hadn’t done this before. She wasn’t a goddamn virgin.

  Before she knew what I was doing, I leaned down and pushed her skirt to the floor, so she was standing in a puddle of fabric. Next, I pulled her oversized T-shirt over her head. Her eyes were wide, and her breathing was shallow as she looked up at me. She must’ve remembered my reaction from earlier because she didn’t try to cover herself. She just looked me straight in the eye and kept her hands loosely by her sides.

  Fuck me. I had to readjust myself in my jeans as I took her in. Her hips were wider than I remembered; her tits were bigger, too. I noticed both before, but seeing them naked was a whole different thing. When I’d had her before, her body was toned, firm, and round. I’d loved it. But her body now was unbelievable. She was all fuckin’ lush with her rounded thighs, scarred-up belly, and bigger tits. I was having a hard time deciding where I wanted to go first when she made a distressed noise deep in her throat. I glanced up to catch her eye and noticed that her face was as red as a fuckin’ tomato, and her eyes were starting to water.

  “I know it’s not like it used to be. It’s all stretched out and gross—”

  I cut her off from saying another word by leaning forward and sucking one of her nipples into my mouth—hard. Her hands flew up and grabbed on to my hair as I licked her and sucked her like I couldn’t get enough, which was pretty close to the truth. Her skin was so soft, especially where her scars were, and I ran my nose up and down her belly, licking and nipping at her scars as I went. I didn’t know why she had such a fuckin’ problem with her body. She needed to get that shit outta her head.

  It blew my mind that Trix had been in there, and I’d missed it. She was so tiny. I couldn’t even imagine it, but I bet she was gorgeous. Fuck, she was always gorgeous. She had a scar that was different than the others, covered by her tattoo. It was a raised line that tilted slightly up at the sides like a smile. C-section scar. I didn’t know she’d had one, but we hadn’t talked much about Trix’s birth. Fuck, if she’d had a C-section, that meant that nothing had stretched her. There was a good chance she’d be as tight as the last time I had her. The thought of her wrapping around my cock with that tight pussy just about sent me through the roof. I stood up quickly, and fuck, those drugs Doc gave me were strong. I swayed for a second, and Brenna wrapped her arms around me tightly. She opened her mouth to say something, but I didn’t give her a chance. I grabbed her hand and sat. Then, I lay back on the bed.

  “Take off my jeans,” I told her.

  I was past having any sort of tact. I wouldn’t say please. I wasn’t fuckin’ asking. I wondered for a second if she was going to bitch at me, but the minute she registered what I’d said, her eyes dilated, and she was tearing at my jeans. She got the button and zipper down, and I tried to raise my hips, but searing pain sliced through my abs, and I dropped them back to the bed. She was looking at me like she wasn’t sure about what we were doing. I looked like a fuckin’ mess. Like a finger painting of a seriously fucked-up kid with blacks and purples and blues covering my front.

  “Dragon, this is a bad idea. Look at you. You can barely move. I really don’t see this going well—”

  I cut her off. If she didn’t get on my dick soon, I was going to go fuckin’ nuts. “You’re doin’ all the work, baby. Take. Off. My. Jeans. I’m not waiting another fuckin’ minute to be inside you.”

  She moved her lips to the side, not biting her lip, but sort of distorting her mouth. “Okay,” she whispered, and I could see she was shaking.

  She wasn’t scared. I’d seen her scared expression too many times since she’d been back, and this wasn’t it. She was as impatient as I was. So impatient, she was shaking. Fuck. Me.

  I got my hands underneath myself and pushed back up, my abs and chest screaming. The minute I stood in front of her, she reached down and pushed my pants to the floor. She ended up kneeling at my feet, and she pulled the jeans away. She sat there for a second and then swept her eyes from my feet to my face, pausing for a second at my dick. The minute I met her eyes, I knew what she wanted. I remembered this. Brenna wasn’t aggressive. I knew it from the first time I kissed her when she whimpered and moaned until I kissed her how she needed it. Now, she was kneeling at my feet, and I knew what she wanted. Shit, I hoped I wouldn’t fuckin’ pass out and topple both of us to the floor. I reached out and ran my fingers through her hair a couple of times. I fuckin’ loved her hair. On my third way through, I grasped it tightly and pulled her up and forward. The minute I did, she started making the noises that haunted me for five fuckin’ years. I wasn’t sure how long I was going to last.

  “Open,” I growled and she moved her eyes back to my dick.

  She reached up and wrapped her hands around the backs of my thighs, so they were brushing the undersides of my ass. God, her hands were soft. When my dick was almost touching her chin, she tilted her head down just a fraction and took me in completely until I could feel the back of her throat. I held her there until she looked back up at me.

  “That’s right, baby,” I told her as I slid out and back in, brushing my thumb across her cheek, my eyes never leaving hers. “Take me deep, Brenna. Swallow.” Fuck, that felt good.

  Her throat muscles massaged the end of my dick. I kept talking to her. Told her what to do and moved her head for her. The more I talked, the larger her pupils grew until they were almost covering the green in her eyes. She was fidgeting and squirming on the floor, and her nails were digging into the backs of my thighs. She was really whimpering now and growling deep in her throat. I wasn’t sure how much more I could fuckin’ take, and I was pretty sure she needed some relief.

  I pulled her head away from me and pushed her hair out of her face where it’d fallen since I let go. She was so fuckin’ sexy with her hair all wild, wearing nothing but a little pair of panties, her lips all red and swollen, and her eyes dazed.

  “Come on, baby.”

  I ignored the pain in my chest as I pulled her up until she stood in front of me. She was breathing really hard and searching my face like she was confused.

  “Not coming in your mouth, Brenna. I’m coming when you’re riding my dick with that sweet little pussy. Been waiting a long time.”

  Her breath stuttered, and I knew I had her. Looked like I just needed to keep talking. If she changed her mind at this point, I might kill someone. My dick was so fuckin’ hard that it felt like it was going to burst through the skin.

  “Get up on the bed, Brenna.”

  I crawled up the bed behind her and lay down flat on my back about a foot from the headboard with my head on a pillow. “Come here, baby,” I called to her, and she gently moved up the bed until she was kneeling next to my hip.

  “I’m not sure where to touch you,” she whispered with a smile. “This is not at all how I imagined this.”

  “You not getting what you need?” I ask
ed her, irritated. Fuck, I just got the shit beat out of me for her, and she was complaining. She’d been quiet this whole time, and when she decided to speak, she irritated the shit outta me.

  “Baby, that’s not what I mean,” she whispered. “I want to touch you. I’m just afraid I’m going to hurt you, that’s all.”

  She was looking down at her knees on the bed, and I knew it was another one of those times when I needed to actually tell her what to do. She was waiting on me. My irritation vanished.

  “Climb on,” I rasped at her.

  My voice was doing all sorts of fucked-up shit tonight. No other woman had ever gotten to me like this one did. When she started to climb over my thighs, I shook my head at her.

  “Up here, Brenna. Put your knees outside my shoulders.”

  She blushed, and it was cute as hell. Who knew a woman her age could still blush at shit I told her to do in bed? Once she was above my face, her blush had moved all the way down to cover her collarbone. She’d braced one hand against the headboard and the other was covering most of her face in embarrassment.

  “What are you embarrassed about?” I tried to ask her without laughing.

  She was just cute as fuck straddling my face, completely fuckin’ mortified. She must have heard the laugh in my voice because she started to scowl.

  “I haven’t done this in freaking years, and I’m sitting on your damn face! Gimme a break!”

  “The douche bag didn’t eat you out?” What?

  “Uh, no. He didn’t.”

  “Ever?” I was completely confused. He had to have fucked her. I got that much from when he showed up at the clubhouse.

  “He said it was…” She finished her sentence on a mumble; her hand once again covering her face.

  “Said it was what?” I asked her. She was not getting out of this.

  “He said it was gross. He never did it,” she told me, and her voice was trembling.