Craving Constellations

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  I was halfway through my first cup and looking out the window when I felt Dragon’s hand fall heavy on my shoulder. Just as I set my cup down, he surprised me and spun me around to face him. His face was set in an angry mask as he took me in from head to toe.

  “The fuck, Brenna?” he rasped at me.

  I looked down at myself and then back up at him. “What?” I had no idea what in the world he could be so pissed about. My nightgown was pretty modest. I didn’t have coffee down the front of me. I knew there was no smudged makeup on my face from the night before.

  “He buy you this?” he questioned me as he plucked at the spaghetti strap of my nightgown.

  “He bought most of my clothes. What are you talking about?” I tried to pull away, but he grabbed my arms before I could get very far.

  He didn’t say anything else to me as he dragged me into the living room and started talking to Trix.

  “Little warrior, go on and play in your room for a little bit.”

  “I wanna play with my Legos!” she whined back at him.

  I didn’t know who this child was, but my Trix would have never whined about being sent out of a room.

  “You can play with those in a bit. Leave ’em out here, and go in your room. I gotta help your mama in the bathroom.”

  “Why do you have to help Mama in the bathroom? Mama doesn’t need help in the bathroom,” she prodded him with a dubious expression on her face.

  “She needs help with her hair.”

  “But why?” she asked again.

  I could feel my head darting back and forth between them, like I was watching a tennis match played by aliens. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing or hearing.

  “Trix,” he growled, “room. Now.”

  She must have finally understood that he meant business because she scrambled up and, with one last look at her new toy, she ran into her room.

  When Dragon started pulling me toward the bathroom, I tried to stall him. “She could’ve taken those Legos with her, you know.”

  He didn’t break his stride even though I was dragging my feet along the hardwood floor. “Don’t want her to choke or some shit while I’m dealin’ with you.”

  His comment made me laugh for a second, completely forgetting that I didn’t know why the hell he was dragging me into the bathroom.

  “She’s four. She’s not going to stick them in her mouth and choke on them.”

  His head whipped around toward me, and I could tell he was pissed I was laughing at him.

  “Well, seeing as how I haven’t seen her for more than a week her whole goddamn life, how’s I supposed to know that?”

  My jaw snapped shut as we stared at each other, and seconds later, he turned back around and dragged me into our tiny bathroom.

  “I don’t know what your problem is!” I tried desperately to put a little distance between us as he shut the door, but there wasn’t any place to go.

  “I fuck you, and you get up and shower and put on some shit that the douche bag fucking bought you?”

  “I-I—” I stuttered as I tried to find a reply to his question.

  “What the fuck did you do to your hair?” He wrapped his hands around the back of my neck and ran his fingers through the hair at my nape. “My fingers don’t even get fucking caught in it,” he grumbled to himself.

  He shook his head once to clear it, and before I could pull away from him to figure out what the hell was going on, he reached down to the straps on my tank top and jerked against them hard. My breath caught as both straps snapped, and my gown slid down my body to the floor. Then, he crowded me against the tub and reached down to turn the water on. As soon as he got it to the temperature he wanted, he took a step back and opened the bathroom door a crack.

  “Trix, how you doin’?” He stood there for a second, waiting for an answer I couldn’t hear over the roar of the shower. “I’m gonna help your mama take a shower. You stay in your room. I’ll be out in a minute!” Then, he shut the door and proceeded to undress.

  His bruises had darkened overnight and looked even more painful, but I could tell he was less sore by the way he was moving. I stood there with my arms wrapped across my chest until he was completely naked and pushing me toward the shower.

  “I took a shower last night! What the hell is your problem?” I griped at him as I climbed over the side of the tub.

  “Yeah, Brenna, what the fuck is that about? I pass out, and you run off to wash me off your body? Is that what you were doin’? Puttin’ on your Stepford wife armor before crawling back into bed with me? Laying against me so damn tight I can barely take a fuckin’ breath without moving you, yet you look like Tony fuckin’ Richards’s bitch?”

  I gasped at him calling me a bitch, but I didn’t want him thinking whatever it was he was thinking.

  “It’s not like that. I just…I was feeling a little out of control. I just needed a little control,” I mumbled, not meeting his eyes.

  He pulled me into the spray, and I relaxed into his arms, grateful he was holding me and we weren’t fighting.

  “I know, baby. I know you needed control. But with me, you aren’t gonna get it.”

  I stiffened, and he kept talking.

  “You gotta let go. I’m in control here. Not you. You don’t need to be. I’m not gonna control you. Not gonna boss you around or tell you what to fuckin’ wear. But I am in control of the situation. Always. That’s not somethin’ you need to be worrying about. Yeah?”

  “I’ll try,” I answered him, but I wasn’t convinced that his little scenario was going to work for me. I needed that control to keep from completely flying apart.

  “That’s all you can do. And, Brenna?”

  “Yeah?” I whispered, still trying to find some steady ground beneath my feet.

  “You throw out all the shit he bought you.”

  I started to shake my head, but he cut me off.

  “I’ll replace it. You need clothes; I buy them. You need shoes; I buy those, too. You need fuckin’ perfume; I will buy it. You got me?”

  “Yeah, I got you.”

  I was starting to relax because the whole time he was talking, he’d been getting my hair wet and then began running shampoo through it. He startled me when he grabbed a tight hold of my hair and pulled my face within an inch of his.

  “You do that shit to your hair again, I’ll blister your ass.” He waited a second then jerked my hair again before biting out, “You wear your hair fuckin’ curly for me.” Then, he slammed his mouth down on mine.

  I should have known that he knew what was going through my head. Five years ago, he’d seen right through me. Trying to hide my reasons for anything would be almost impossible, and it really freaked me out that any of my secrets could be ferreted so easily. My second of insight was quickly overpowered by lust as he let go of my hair with one of his hands and started sliding his soapy hand down the side of my body. I slid my hands into his hair and pulled the ponytail out, dropping it into the tub, so I could grip his hair with both hands. I was about to wrap one of my legs around his and climb him like a tree when a pounding on the bathroom door caught my attention.

  “Mama, I have to go potty!” I could hear Trix yelling from outside the door.

  I looked at Dragon in horror. “Please tell me you locked the door.”

  His eyes grew wide and panicked as he glanced down at his very impressive erection. “Shit!”

  After our close call with Trix that morning, Dragon and I got dressed and ready for the day. It was weird for me, being out here in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. I could only clean the house so many times without it turning into the compulsive cleaning that I was trying so hard to break myself from. I was going to bring Trix out back for a picnic, and I was hoping I could wear her out enough that she would take a nap that afternoon. I was so tired at the beginning of the day that I knew I’d be dragging ass by dinner time.

  Dragon had things to do at the club, so Vera and one of the recruits were
going to come over and hang out with Trix and me. I loved watching him get dressed and ready to go. I loved watching the way he moved. I’d read romance novels that described the men moving fluidly, but that was the opposite of Dragon. He moved quickly and with purpose. I watched in amusement as he pulled a brand new white undershirt out of a plastic package of three and slipped it on; it would be covered in grease by the time he got home tonight. It was so thin I could see hints of his tattoos through the fabric. Yum.

  As I sat there, eyeing him from the edge of the bed, he noticed me watching, and he started to chuckle.

  “Like what you see, baby?”

  “What?” I was still in the fog I’d drifted into when he’d dropped his towel.

  “You gonna get dressed, Brenna? Gotta say, baby, I like what you’re wearin’, but I won’t like it if Casper sees it when he gets here in ten minutes.”

  I could hear the amusement in his voice, and it snapped me out of my daydreaming.

  “Shit!” I started scrambling around the room, grabbing a bra and panties, while trying not to drop my towel.

  Before I could get anything on, Dragon was in my space, kissing me and pulling the towel from around my body.

  “Christ, woman. How do you look so damn good all the time? Wearing none a’that shit that other broads spend hours on, and you still look ten times better than any of ’em.”

  He kissed me one last time, squeezed my ass tightly with both hands, and sat down on the bed where I’d been just minutes before. I just stood there for a second, wondering what to do, but when I heard the roar of pipes, I rushed to get dressed. I didn’t have time to worry about Dragon watching me hop around the room, trying to pull my jean shorts on. When I was finally dressed, he pulled me between his thighs with his hands on each side of my waist.

  “I’m gonna take your old phone and trash it. I know that dick’s been calling you, and that shit’s gotta stop. You file for divorce yet?” he asked, watching me like a hawk.

  “Yeah, when we first got here. Vera helped me fill out the paperwork.”

  “Okay, there ain’t no reason for him to keep callin’. That phone I got you does all sorts of shit. I had Vera put in everyone’s phone numbers last night, so you should be good to go. It’s also got Internet if you want it since we don’t get that shit out here. You need to use it as a hot spot. You tell me, and I’ll set that shit up.”

  “Okay,” I whispered.

  He was taking care of me, and I loved it.

  “Okay.” He smiled back at me. “I’ll be home early. You see if Vera can take Trix overnight soon. My balls are probably fuckin’ purple after that shower this morning. If you woulda given me a boy, I coulda told him to piss out the damn window.” He chuckled. “We need some fuckin’ time to ourselves.”

  He leaned up and kissed me softly, still chuckling about the pissing-out-the-window comment and walked out of the bedroom. I was glad he was in a hurry, or he would have noticed that I hadn’t moved an inch since he mentioned giving him a boy. I was frozen solid, my mind racing with the memories I was desperately trying to beat back. I didn’t know how long I stood there after hearing his bike leave before Trix came running into the bedroom.

  “Mama! Auntie Vera is here!”

  “Okay, baby,” I answered and grabbed her hand as we walked toward the front of the house. I needed to get my shit together before Vera noticed anything was off.

  Our picnic was fantastic. Vera and I sat out on a blanket and watched Trix run around the backyard, picking flowers and spinning like a top. I loved the space we had out here; there were no houses for miles around, and as Trix got older, she’d be able to come out here and play without me having to watch her every second. The sun was high in the sky, and it was hot as hell when Trix started begging me to run through the sprinkler. Vera had the foresight to grab one when she’d went grocery shopping for me, and Trix had been playing with it and asking nonstop when she’d be able to use it. I finally gave the okay, and Vera helped Trix strip down to her underwear as I rounded the side of the house to get the hose.

  The recruit that had been keeping an eye on things was on the front porch steps, knees wide with his elbows resting on them, holding a phone. He glanced up when he heard me and quickly stood up as I rounded the house.

  “Hey, I don’t think we’ve actually met. I’m Brenna.” I gave a little wave.

  “Yeah, nice to meet you. Casper,” he told me with a nod of his head.

  “Casper?”

  The boys came up with stupid nicknames all the time, and they stuck. I knew this. But I couldn’t figure out why they would give this dark-skinned kid the name Casper.

  “Uh, yeah.”

  He took a few steps closer, and it clicked into place. His eyes were the lightest shade of blue I’d ever seen. They were almost white. When you matched them with his dark skin, he could have looked pretty freaky. But the way he was looking at me didn’t make me feel anything but comfortable.

  “Ah. Your eyes. I get it,” I said with a smile.

  The kid was handsome. If I were a few years younger, I would have been checking him out, but the life I’d lived the last five years left me feeling old enough to be his mother.

  “Yeah. Genetics are a funny thing. My mom was Hispanic, but my dad had red hair, almost like yours. My sister and I both got all of our mom’s features, but our eyes are like our dad’s. It’s pretty fucking weird since brown eyes are dominant.” He shook his head and grabbed his phone again as I started walking toward the hose at the side of the porch.

  “You can come out back with us if you want,” I called with my back to him. “We’ve got soda and stuff back there. Lunch. Plus, Trix is going to be running through the sprinkler like a maniac, which should be fun times.” I grabbed the hose and spun back around with a smile on my face that quickly disappeared by the look on his.

  “I need to bring you up to the gates. Some official is up there, and they’re not letting her through, but they said you need to get up there.” He looked at me worriedly.

  “What?” I couldn’t understand what was going on.

  “We have to go to the gates, Brenna. You want me to let Vera know?”

  He started to walk around back, but I stopped him.

  “No, I’ll just bring this hose back and let her know. No reason for Trix to miss out on the sprinkler.”

  I hurried around the house and found Trix with her head on Vera’s lap on the picnic blanket. Vera raised her finger to her lips to keep me quiet, but as soon as I got close, Trix popped up and started clapping her hands.

  “You little faker! I thought you were sleepin’!”

  Vera teased her as I set down the end of the hose. She was tickling Trix, making her scream and laugh, when I finally got her attention.

  “Vera, I have to go to the front gate,” I told her quietly. “One of the boys called Casper. They need me at the front. Can you keep Trix here?”

  “Sure, darlin’. No problem. You ridin’ with Casper?” she asked as I stood back up.

  “Yeah, he said he’d give me a ride.” My mind was racing with possibilities.

  “Dragon ain’t gonna like that.”

  “I can’t argue about this right now. I have to get up there.” I shook my head. “Give me a kiss, Trix. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  Once I got back to the front of the house, Casper fired up his bike, and we took off toward the gate. It only took us a couple of minutes to get there, and when I saw the group there, my stomach dropped.

  Dragon and Pop were arguing with some man in a cheap suit while a lady dressed in a matching suit stood by the side of a government-issued car. They seemed to be arguing about getting on to the compound as the lady watched with a scowl on her face.

  “Hey, what’s going on?” I called out, refusing to let my voice show my fear.

  “Are you Brenna Richards?” the lady asked me in a tone that made it clear she thought I was trash.

  Dragon growled as I answered her, “Yes, I am.
What’s this about?”

  “You’ve been served,” she told me as she handed over a manila envelope and started back toward the driver’s side of the car.

  I stood there, shaking, as I watched my pop say something to the man in the suit before he hurried to the passenger seat of the car.

  “Fuckin’ cunt. Couldn’t even let the man drive the fuckin’ car; she wants to have a dick so bad,” Dragon grumbled as he wrapped his arms around me.

  I couldn’t move. I just stood there, staring at the envelope like it was a snake ready to strike. I didn’t want to open it. I didn’t want to know what was inside.

  Dragon finally realized that I was shaken up, and he took the envelope from me as he set me on the back of his bike. “Casper! Goin’ home for the night. You’re off shift. Poet, you heading back with us?”

  I didn’t see or hear either of their answers because I had my face pressed tightly into the back of Dragon’s cut, trying to keep out the entire world.

  By the time we reached the house just a couple minutes later, I was desperate to read the papers in the envelope. I wasn’t sure why my feelings had changed so quickly, but I had to find out what was happening. I ripped the envelope out of Dragon’s hand the minute I climbed off his bike and tore it open. The sound that came from my throat when I realized what the papers entailed would have scared me if I were aware of it. I dropped to my knees in the gravel and started rocking, letting the pieces of paper flutter out around me. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t be doing this.

  “What the hell, Brenna?” Pop called from across the driveway.

  But I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t say anything because if I did, I was afraid I would start screaming and never stop. I just knelt there as Dragon dropped down beside me and started gathering the papers, all the while trying to hold me still.

  “Read this,” he ordered, handing my pop the stack of papers. “Find out what the fuck is going on right now.”

  He lifted me in his arms and cradled me tightly as I started wiggling. I could tell he thought I wanted him to put me down, but it was just the opposite. I wanted to crawl inside him. I wanted to take Trix and live inside him where Tony could never get to us—where we’d always be safe. I couldn’t get close enough. Faintly, I heard the sounds of Trix playing in the backyard, laughing at the top of her lungs, but I couldn’t even process it. I couldn’t process anything.