Craving Constellations

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  Trix and I continued with our regular routine even though most of the club’s kids returned to school at the end of the summer. I decided to homeschool Trix for preschool that year. We’d had too many changes and upheavals as it was. I didn’t want to add to the things she would have to tell her therapist as an adult.

  Thankfully, the weather cooperated, so we were able to spend most of our time outside, which left us both with golden tans. I’d actually never had a tan before. I’d either burned or stayed pale, but I guessed Dragon was on to something when he’d slathered us with sunblock this summer.

  I missed Dragon the worst at night after Trix had gone to sleep and the house was quiet. I missed his hands on me, and the scruff of his beard rubbing against the back of my neck as I fell asleep. I missed falling into bed, exhausted, after he’d worn me out with a sweaty round of sex. I missed falling asleep with the window open and his hot body keeping me warm. I missed it all.

  My belly grew, and Trix helped me rub lotion on it every night, laughing as we drew faces with the white lotion. I wanted her to feel like she was a part of things, so I included her in anything I could when it came to her little brother or sister. We both felt the hole in our lives, but just like every other time we’d been alone, we just grew closer. We played games, watched movies, and shopped for baby things. It was a relaxing way to spend my time while I healed and grew round.

  Dragon’s ex, Kendra, never showed up at the club again. The boys had feelers out all over the West Coast, but nobody had heard from her. We weren’t sure if Tony had dumped her somewhere or if she’d just skipped town, but her whereabouts were the last on my list of worries. I had enough on my plate.

  Pop never came home.

  I’d gotten the full story from Vera after the lawyer left, the day he’d told me Tony was dead. Apparently, Tony was found in a luxury hotel suite, his throat slit by the steak knife that had come with his room service dinner. The security cameras in the hotel hadn’t caught a glimpse of anyone near Tony’s hotel room the night he was killed. There was no forced entry, and there were no prints to be found because it was such a high-traffic area. The murder case was still an open investigation, but the police had no leads. It was as if he’d slit his own throat.

  Only a few of us knew the truth, and we weren’t talking.

  Nobody had seen Pop since the day he’d dropped Trix off with Vera after they’d visited me at the hospital. I was worried. It wasn’t like Pop to just take off with no word. Slider didn’t seem to have the same concerns though. I finally asked him about it, a few days after I’d had the wires taken off my jaw.

  “Brenna, your pop left that life behind him when he came here. That kinda shit…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “It leaves marks on a man, even if he feels it’s justified. He’ll be back when he gets here,” he told me as he started to walk away.

  “Yeah, but where is he?” I asked in frustration.

  “Your man has a hard day. What’s he want when he gets home, Brenna?” he asked me with his eyebrows raised in question.

  “Oh,” I answered him faintly.

  “Yeah.” He nodded. “He’s got a woman near Salem. I’ve met her a couple times…got some weird-ass fuckin’ hippie name and long-ass dreadlocks. Nice broad though…he’ll be here when he gets here.”

  “His room…why’s it yellow?” I asked, the picture becoming clearer.

  “Yup. That was her doing. Said it would help his aura. Whatever the fuck that means,” he told me and then walked out, leaving me standing in the middle of the clubhouse.

  For the first two months without Dragon, I was weepy and lonely. I missed him, and I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t see me. Did he not miss me as much as I missed him? Did he decide I was just too much trouble? Did he regret filing the papers for Trix? My mind spun ’round and ’round, each scenario worse than the last. I was a mess. I used the baby as my excuse every time Trix saw me crying for no reason.

  “I’m okay, Trix. Sometimes, when mommies are making babies, it just makes them cry a lot,” I told her.

  Dragon sent a message home with Casper after a visit one Sunday after he’d been gone almost two months. He loved me and missed me. He loved the babies. He’d be home soon.

  I cried for two days.

  Once I recovered from Dragon’s message, my attitude changed. With each day my belly grew, so did my anger until I was afraid I’d explode. How dare he tell me I couldn’t visit him! What an asshole! I’d just had the shit beat out of me, my Pop freaking assassinated my ex-husband, and my jaw was wired shut during the first queasy month of pregnancy, and he couldn’t even see me? I was livid. My indignation got me through the last month of Dragon’s incarceration. It was ironic, really. The anger I was finally feeling made the days pass quickly.

  When it was almost time for him to come home, I cleaned the house from top to bottom. I didn’t know if it was because I wanted him to come home to a clean house or because I had way too much nervous energy. The entire place freaking sparkled when I was through with it. I also went with Vera and bought all new bras and underwear—frilly, lacy, silky pieces of nothing, which I knew he’d love. I’d only fit into them for another month before I had to start shopping in the maternity section. I even went to a salon and got my hair dyed back to its original bright red hue.

  My anger hadn’t abated. I could still feel the fire in my gut every time I thought of Dragon, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t counting the days until he got back. I was almost giddy when the day finally arrived.

  I refused to go with Grease when he went to pick up Dragon. I was still pissed enough that he was going to have to come to me. The asshole.

  I was pissed at him, but I still helped set up the food for his welcome-home party. It was sort of a tradition to have a welcoming party for the brothers as they got out of jail. A little weird, sure, but it was their thing, so I didn’t judge it.

  Vera and I spent all day shopping for food and beer, dragging Casper and Curly with us to load anything heavy into Slider’s huge pickup. The sheer amount of food we needed made our shopping trip take forever. By the time we headed back to the clubhouse, I thought the boys were going to fall asleep from exhaustion on the back of their bikes.

  The wonderful thing about having an extended family meant I was never lacking babysitters, so Trix was off to stay the night with one of the old ladies. I knew it was selfish of me to send her away on Dragon’s first night home, but I honestly didn’t care. We needed one night that was just for us. I didn’t even tell her that he was coming home yet, and I couldn’t wait to see the look on her face when we went to pick her up the next day.

  By the time Grease left at about four o’clock, my stomach was in knots. My hands were shaky, and I frantically checked the food and the plates and the toilet paper in the bathrooms. I couldn’t stop moving. I was a nervous wreck.

  My belly wasn’t huge. I was only about four months along, but it was already making itself known through my clothes. He knew I was pregnant, but I wondered if he would be surprised when he saw me. I felt like I had changed completely in the three months he’d been gone.

  When the time finally came and I heard the bikes roar into the forecourt, a sense of complete calm settled into my bones. When he walked through the door, I started toward him, noting the leanness of his face as he searched for me in the crowd. When his eyes finally found me, they lit up, and a huge smile spread across his face. I didn’t smile back. I just kept walking toward him, my hips swaying. I knew I looked good. Vera and I had bought a welcome-home outfit that I’d known he would love, and my larger boobs gave me killer cleavage. By the time I reached him, his smile had turned into a frown, and he was looking at me in confusion.

  “Baby, what’s goin’ on?” he asked me, completely unaware of the looks everyone was giving us.

  “Welcome home, Dragon,” I told him, my face completely blank. “I washed all your bedding in your club room and made sure everything was clean before you got back.
I hope you enjoy it.” I nodded once and then turned as if to walk out.

  “The fuck are you talkin’ about, Brenna?” he asked me and grabbed my arm. The look on his face had changed from confused to pissed.

  “You didn’t want to see me for three months?” I asked him. “Well, now, I don’t want to see you!” And then, I tried to walk away again.

  “Stop right where you are!” he called after me, but I kept moving.

  I knew he’d follow me. I knew we’d make up. But I was going to make him freaking work for it. My attitude was solid until he came up behind me at the edge of the forecourt and wrapped his hands around my waist, spreading his fingers over the small mound of my belly.

  “Baby…” he whispered, moving my hair away from my neck with his chin. “You know I wanted to see you. I thought about you every goddamn second. Wonderin’ if you were all right, wonderin’ if our babies were doin’ okay.”

  He started kissing my neck, and tears began to roll down my face, but my back stayed straight.

  “Then, why didn’t you let me come see you?” I asked him in a wobbly voice.

  “Because, baby, I don’t want you seeing me in there. Wearin’ a fuckin’ jumpsuit, fuckin’ tennis shoes with no laces. I’m your man. I don’t want you ever seein’ me as anything else,” he told me as he walked around me and tilted my face up to his. “You can be pissed all you want, Brenna. But don’t ever tell me again that I won’t be sleepin’ in our bed. Got me?” he asked, and the dominance in his voice made me feel like I was coming home.

  “I got you,” I whimpered back.

  His hands on my body and his face close to mine after so long made me feel like I was going to spontaneously combust. I hoped that he would always affect me that way.

  “That’s right, baby. You got me,” he whispered back as he took my mouth in a hard kiss. “God, baby. I was goin’ crazy without you,” he told me when we finally stopped kissing, and he started dragging me through the tall grass toward our house.

  “Dragon!” I laughed up at him. “We can’t leave! You have a welcome-home party going on!”

  “Baby, any of those boys inside won’t expect us back for a couple hours. Neither will their women,” he answered me, never veering from his course.

  I reached forward to run my nails down the back of his arm, and it stopped him in his tracks about ten yards from the house.

  “Brenna, you keep doing shit like that, and we ain’t gonna make it in the house,” he groaned.

  Before I knew what he was doing, he’d reached down and lifted me up, so my legs wrapped around his waist, and the little skirt I was wearing was pushed to the top of my thighs.

  “Fuck, Brenna. You can’t be wearing a skirt like that with no underwear,” he ground out as he squeezed my ass in his hands.

  “Just being prepared.” I kissed him lightly on the lips. “Now, take me in the house.”

  We stumbled our way to the house, and he had to put me down to fumble with the front door lock. My hands were all over him—unbuttoning his jeans, sliding under his shirt to trace his abs, scratching lightly down his back. By the time we made it into the bedroom, I was on fire for him.

  “Damn,” he mumbled once he’d stripped me naked and laid me on the bed. “Look at you, Little Mama. All fuckin’ ripe and swollen.”

  I felt my face flush at his words. He’d seen me so many times before, but I was still nervous like it was the first time. Three months was a long time.

  “I’m going to get a lot bigger,” I whispered in warning as he pulled his shirt over his head. “In about two more months, it’s not going to be so attractive.”

  He smirked at me as he pulled off his boots and jeans. “That right? Your smile gonna change? Your hair? The way you respond to me in bed? The way you take care of my kids? Any of that gonna change?”

  I shook my head slowly as he crawled up the bed and laid his body on top of mine. “You could gain fifty fuckin’ pounds, all that in your ass, and I’d still think you’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen,” he whispered before he leaned down and kissed me right above my left breast. “I love you, woman.”

  “Love you, too,” I replied with a smile as I pulled the rubber band out of his hair and ran my fingers through it.

  “Now, kiss your man,” he ordered in a gruff voice.

  I kissed him and whimpered as one of his hands pinched my nipple gently before exploring the roundness of my belly.

  “Everything okay in here?” He lifted his head and asked me gently.

  “Yeah, honey. Everything in there is perfect,” I reassured him, and that must have been the opening he was looking for.

  After a quietly grumbled, “Good,” he leaned back on his knees and draped my thighs over his legs. He sat there for a minute, watching me, taking in my rosy lips and nipples and sliding his gaze down between my legs.

  “Ah, baby. Look at how wet you are for me. Fuckin’ drippin’,” he groaned, his voice taking on the sandpaper quality that I’d come to expect when we were in bed.

  He dipped his hand between my legs, and before I could prepare for it, he slid one finger inside. My back arched off the bed as I let out a wail that would’ve embarrassed me if I had any idea what I was doing. It had been so long since I’d felt him.

  He added another finger, watching my face as he did so, and I found myself begging him incoherently while he told me to slow down. I couldn’t slow down, and I didn’t understand why he would want to either. He’d had the same dry spell as me! I was needy, digging my nails into anything I could reach, and he finally lost patience with me.

  “Brenna!” he barked, pulling me out of the spell I’d been under. “Slow the fuck down! You want my dick? I’ll give it to you! But I can’t do that when you’re fuckin’ outta control! One of us has gotta keep our head, and the second I get inside you, I’m gonna fuckin’ lose it!”

  His breath was bellowing out in big gusts, and I finally realized why he’d been teasing me.

  “You’re not going to hurt the baby.” I curled up, so I could put my hand against the side of his face. “Come inside,” I whispered.

  He turned his head and kissed the palm of my hand before laying me back on the bed, following me down, and sliding inside me with one smooth thrust.

  “Ah fuck, Brenna!” he groaned into my ear as he started to move. “Not gonna last long, baby. You feel so fuckin’ good. Shit.”

  He was right. He didn’t last long, but I still got mine.

  The second round was a lot slower, and I got two more.

  Eventually, we crawled out of bed and headed back to his party. He grabbed a tiny pair of jean shorts for me to wear, and when I complained about not being able to button them, he made me wear them with a rubber band holding them together. I was pretty sure he just wanted me to wear something that showed off my small belly. He was trying to play it cool, but I could tell he was proud as hell that I was pregnant.

  As we walked back to the clubhouse, I tried to imagine what our lives would have been like if I’d told him when I was pregnant with Trix and Draco. Five years ago, we’d been in completely different places in our lives. He’d been newly patched into the club, and I’d been running as fast as I could. Who knows if we would have been able to make it work?

  I had no doubts now. We’d been through more than most couples dealt with in their entire lives, and we’d survived. I couldn’t picture the rest of my life anywhere but by his side, raising our babies, and ignoring the sideways looks we’d get from the outside world.

  Brenna and I were walking back to the clubhouse the night of my party when a car came up the drive, swerving and spitting gravel. We were pretty close to the doorway of the club, so I called out to the boys inside as I pulled Brenna behind me.

  I didn’t recognize the car as it pulled to a stop about fifty feet away from us, but the chick who climbed out looked familiar. It was starting to get dark outside, but I could see her face just fine, and she was pissed. She was tiny, even smaller than
Brenna, and she had pitch-black hair that was cut to her chin in front but shorter in the back. I glanced down her body, but I couldn’t see much as she yelled and raised one of her arms around, waving what looked like a pistol in the air.

  Before I could push Brenna toward the door, brothers came rushing out in a wave into the yard, taking in the scene quickly. I felt Brenna jerk behind me as the woman looked at us and pointed her gun our way.

  “You fucking dick!” she screamed. “Where the fuck is my brother?”

  I was about to yell back at her that I didn’t know what the fuck she was talking about when Grease took a step forward, so we were standing almost shoulder-to-shoulder.

  “The fuck are you doing here, Callie? You’re outta your goddamn mind!” he yelled back, walking toward her.

  “What did you do with my brother?” she yelled again, retreating a little every time Grease took a step forward until her back was against the side of her car.

  I could feel Brenna shaking behind me with every step closer that Grease got to the woman with the weapon.

  “Your brother’s fine. Now, put that fuckin’ thing away before you get your ass shot,” Grease told her calmly as he reached her and pulled the weapon from her hand. “Fuckin’ idiot. What did you think you were gonna do with a fuckin’ Taser in a clubhouse surrounded by armed men?” he asked as he dropped the black thing to the ground.

  All the boys in the forecourt breathed a sigh of relief. None of us wanted to take out a woman, but nobody moved.

  As soon as the Taser hit the ground, she went batshit fuckin’ crazy. She was swinging her fists and her legs, intent on hitting Grease anywhere she could reach. He grabbed her around the waist, but she didn’t stop. I could see her trying to bite him, and I winced as she got a hold of a good chunk in his shoulder. That had to fuckin’ hurt.

  I couldn’t understand what she was yelling about, but I could hear Grease just fine, and the way he was talkin’ to her made me wonder where the fuck I’d seen her before.

  “It’s okay, baby. He’s fine. He’s fine. It’s okay. Shhh,” he told her softly as her struggles finally ceased, and she went limp in his arms, her mouth falling off his shoulder where her teeth marks had caused blood to run down his chest. “Fuck, baby, what were you fuckin’ thinkin’?”